This article was co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and by How.com.vn staff writer, Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
There are 11 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 46,525 times.
A sexless marriage can take a toll on your relationship if it bothers you or your partner. You might feel alone, but it’s really common for couples to go through dry spells or to lose intimacy.[1]XResearch source You can rekindle your relationship and regain intimacy, but it’s also okay to leave if you feel like your relationship is over. We’ll help you figure out whether or not it’s time to walk away from your sexless marriage. Additionally, we’ll explain the causes of a sexless marriage and what you can do to save your marriage.
Things You Should Know
While dry spells are normal in relationships, there is no obligation to stay in a relationship that isn't making you happy anymore.
Walk away if your problems go beyond lack of sex (criticism, contempt, lost trust, etc.) and one or both of you is unwilling to work on the relationship.
If you're both still willing to try, prioritize regular time together to experiment, communicate, and be intimate. You may also consider couples' therapy.
Steps
1
Is it okay to get divorced over a sexless marriage?
It's 100% okay to get a divorce, but dry spells are normal. On the one hand, you don’t have to stay in a relationship that isn’t making you happy anymore. If you've tried to rekindle intimacy and nothing has worked, you might decide to walk away. Lack of physical intimacy is a common reason for divorce, so do what feels right to you. At the same time, this could just be a temporary issue.[2]XResearch source
Every couple decides how much sex is right for them. There's no "normal" amount of sex to have with your partner. You and your partner could just be happy having less sex, and that's okay.
Talking to a therapist can help you figure out if you want to work on your relationship or walk away.
You have more problems than lack of sex. Not having sex can be a big problem if you’re not satisfied. But that’s not the only thing that can drive you apart. If you have other issues, it might be time to reconsider your relationship. Aside from lack of intimacy, here are some common issues that lead to breakups:[3]XResearch source
Criticism
Contempt for each other
Refusing to take responsibility
Feeling unloved
Lost trust
Infidelity
Abuse
2
Your partner won’t work on your issues. All couples have problems from time to time. When something comes up, you and your partner need to talk to each other and find a compromise. If your partner refuses to acknowledge the problem, you could find yourself at a standstill.[4]XResearch source If this happens, you might decide to walk away from the relationship.
Tell your partner what you need from them. Say, “I want us to talk to a counselor because I’m worried our relationship is in danger,” or “Our lack of intimacy really bothers me, and I want us to figure out how to make things better.”
3
You’ve changed as people. It’s totally normal for people to change over time. Ideally, both partners will learn and grow together. Sometimes, that doesn’t quite work out, and people grow apart.[5]XResearch source To see if this might be your problem, compare who you and your partner were when you got married to who you are now.
You might have a problem if your partner has started abusing you or you have different values. Similarly, you might decide to leave if your partner violates one of your personal deal breakers.
4
You don’t enjoy sex with each other. When you got married, you probably had a hot-and-heavy spark between you. Over time, that can fade away, and sometimes you realize that you aren’t actually compatible in the bedroom. That’s okay! If it bothers you, though, it might be best for you to focus on your needs and leave the relationship.[6]XTrustworthy SourceJohns Hopkins MedicineOfficial resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins HospitalGo to source
This can happen when one of you has a fetish the other one doesn’t feel comfortable fulfilling. Similarly, you may just not have a good rhythm or may not fit well together.
5
One or both of you have cheated. You can totally overcome infidelity in your relationship. At the same time, you might decide you aren’t interested in repairing your marriage and you’d rather move on. Make the decision that’s right for you because your happiness is what’s important.[7]XResearch source
If you want to work on your relationship, seeing a counselor is super important. They can help you communicate about what led to the affair and how to improve your relationship going forward.
6
Your partner is controlling you with sex. It’s never okay to weaponize sex in your relationship. Withholding sex can be a manipulative tactic, as well as a sign that your partner is holding in anger.[8]XResearch source If you feel like your partner is doing this, talk to them about it so they’re aware of the problem. After the talk, you might decide to end things if they don’t change.
“I feel like you turn me down for sex because you’re mad at me. Can we talk about this?”
“When you push me away, it makes me feel like you’re trying to get back at me. Can we discuss that?”
“I feel like you stop having sex with me when I don’t do what you want. Are you willing to talk about it?”
7
Working with a counselor didn’t help. Couples counseling can usually help you improve your relationship. However, it doesn’t work for everyone.[9]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source If things aren’t changing, you might decide it’s time to move on.
Your therapist can actually help you decide if it’s time to end your relationship. Talk to them about how you’re feeling. Say, “Do you think it makes sense to keep trying?” or “I wanted to get your advice about potentially separating.”
A decline in emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy often declines when your emotional connection fades. Reconnect with your partner by talking more and having fun together.[10]XTrustworthy SourceJohns Hopkins MedicineOfficial resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins HospitalGo to source
2
Different sexual needs. Some people have a really high libido, while others have a low libido. There’s nothing wrong with having a different libido than your partner. If this is the case for you, learn how to cope with different libidos so you’re both happy.[11]XResearch source
3
Stress and responsibilities. Life gets really hectic, and you might find yourself exhausted. Things like money trouble and an imbalance in household responsibilities can also drain your libido.[12]XResearch source Try taking time to de stress.
4
Lack of confidence. Your body changes as you age and as you adjust to married life. It’s normal to feel less sexy than you did before.[13]XResearch source When this happens, improving your confidence can help.
5
Trouble communicating. Good communication is essential for a strong relationship, but it’s hard for a lot of people. Opening up about your thoughts and feelings will bring you closer together, but keeping quiet will drive you apart.[14]XTrustworthy SourceJohns Hopkins MedicineOfficial resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins HospitalGo to source
6
Sexual dysfunction. There are lots of reasons why you or your partner could experience issues like erectile dysfunction or pain during sex. If this is the problem in your relationship, your doctor might be able to help. This is a common experience, and your sex life can get better.[15]XResearch source
7
Pregnancy and parenting. Pregnancy takes a huge toll on your body, and both partners can struggle with the stress of having a baby. Similarly, parenting is super demanding, and it’s hard to have sex with children in the next room. At the same time, it’s important to have alone time for just yourself.[16]XResearch source
8
Medication or illness. Low libido can be caused by some medical conditions and treatments. In some cases, your doctor can help you find ways to raise your libido.[17]XResearch source
9
Depression or grief. Both depression and grief can drain all of your energy and make you lose interest in activities you normally like, including sex. Your libido may return to normal in time as you feel better. Go ahead and talk to your doctor, though, because they can help.[18]XResearch source
Attend couples counseling to get professional advice. Your therapist can help you learn to communicate better, which allows you to discuss your sexual needs. Additionally, they’ll help you understand your problems and suggest ways to fix them. Ask your partner if they’ll go to therapy with you to help improve your relationship.[19]XResearch source
“Lately, I’ve noticed our relationship is on the decline. I was hoping you’d go to counseling with me so we can repair it.”
“I’ve really missed the intimacy we used to have. Would you be willing to go to couple’s counseling with me to help reignite our spark?”
2
Send each other flirty texts. Sexting helps build sexual tension between you, and it gets you both in the frame of mind for intimacy. When you’re apart, tell each other what you hope to do when you see each other later. You could also send a suggestive photo or use innuendo.
“I can’t wait to get my hands on you later.”
“I’m just picturing you getting out of the shower this morning.”
“Do you like my new underwear?”
“You’re making it so hard to focus on work.”
3
Go on dates. When you’re married, it’s easy to let dating fall by the wayside. Most couples experience this, but it’s really easy to get back in the swing of things. Schedule regular date nights so you and your partner can reconnect and have fun together. Tell each other about your lives and what you’re interested in right now. You’ll grow closer, and it’ll help you have more desire for each other.[20]XTrustworthy SourceJohns Hopkins MedicineOfficial resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins HospitalGo to source
Enjoying time with each other builds emotional intimacy, which helps improve your physical intimacy. Focus on learning more about each other because it'll bring you closer together.
4
Talk to each other about your sexual interests. You can’t pleasure each other if you don’t know what you each like.[21]XTrustworthy SourceJohns Hopkins MedicineOfficial resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins HospitalGo to source That being said, you may feel uncomfortable discussing sex, even with your partner. If that’s the case, try talking in the dark or exchanging written notes.
“I want you to put whipped cream on me.”
“I like to give foot massages before sex.”
“I want to try bondage.”
5
Schedule sex. It might not sound romantic, but planning your sexcapades can be super sexy. It allows you time to anticipate the encounter, which builds tension, and gives you more time for the deed. Work with your partner to create a schedule that works for both of you.[22]XResearch source
You might make every Saturday night your “sex” night.
If you have kids, you might schedule sex on a day when all of your kids are busy with an activity or when it’s most convenient to get a sitter.
6
Experiment in the bedroom. Every relationship eventually becomes predictable. Trying new things can help you break out of your routine and spice things up.[23]XResearch source Make a list of things you both want to try, then start checking things off. You could try:
Role playing.
Bondage.
Filming yourself.
Feeding each other strawberries or chocolates.
Whipped cream.
Using toys.
Switching your positions.
7
Bond over new routines. Just being near each other helps build emotional intimacy, so make a point to spend time together. Everyday routines like cooking or running errands are a great time to bond. Just do things together.[24]XResearch source
Go for a walk after dinner.
Cook together.
Fold the laundry together.
Go grocery shopping together.
Take a shower together.
8
Work on your self-esteem. You’re such a catch, but it’s easy to forget that. Building your self-confidence improves your sex life because it can raise your libido.[25]XResearch source Start doing things that make you feel sexier so you feel better about yourself.[26]XTrustworthy SourceJohns Hopkins MedicineOfficial resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins HospitalGo to source You might:
All marriages go through an occasional dip. If you're feeling disconnected from your partner, use this expert series to assess the situation clearly and even rekindle your love life.
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
Spend more time together talking and having fun. Really focus on learning more about each other, even if you've been together for a while. Enjoying your time together will bring you closer emotionally, which can lead to more physical intimacy. At the same time, don't pressure them to be intimate because it'll make them pull away more.
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This article was co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and by How.com.vn staff writer, Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling. This article has been viewed 46,525 times.
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You have more problems than lack of sex. Not having sex can be a big problem if you’re not satisfied. But that’s not the only thing that can drive you apart. If you have other issues, it might be time to reconsider your relationship. Aside from lack of intimacy, here are some common issues that lead to breakups:[3]
Your partner won’t work on your issues. All couples have problems from time to time. When something comes up, you and your partner need to talk to each other and find a compromise. If your partner refuses to acknowledge the problem, you could find yourself at a standstill.[4] If this happens, you might decide to walk away from the relationship.
You’ve changed as people. It’s totally normal for people to change over time. Ideally, both partners will learn and grow together. Sometimes, that doesn’t quite work out, and people grow apart.[5] To see if this might be your problem, compare who you and your partner were when you got married to who you are now.
You don’t enjoy sex with each other. When you got married, you probably had a hot-and-heavy spark between you. Over time, that can fade away, and sometimes you realize that you aren’t actually compatible in the bedroom. That’s okay! If it bothers you, though, it might be best for you to focus on your needs and leave the relationship.[6]
One or both of you have cheated. You can totally overcome infidelity in your relationship. At the same time, you might decide you aren’t interested in repairing your marriage and you’d rather move on. Make the decision that’s right for you because your happiness is what’s important.[7]
Your partner is controlling you with sex. It’s never okay to weaponize sex in your relationship. Withholding sex can be a manipulative tactic, as well as a sign that your partner is holding in anger.[8] If you feel like your partner is doing this, talk to them about it so they’re aware of the problem. After the talk, you might decide to end things if they don’t change.
Working with a counselor didn’t help. Couples counseling can usually help you improve your relationship. However, it doesn’t work for everyone.[9] If things aren’t changing, you might decide it’s time to move on.
A decline in emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy often declines when your emotional connection fades. Reconnect with your partner by talking more and having fun together.[10]
Different sexual needs. Some people have a really high libido, while others have a low libido. There’s nothing wrong with having a different libido than your partner. If this is the case for you, learn how to cope with different libidos so you’re both happy.[11]
Lack of confidence. Your body changes as you age and as you adjust to married life. It’s normal to feel less sexy than you did before.[13] When this happens, improving your confidence can help.
Trouble communicating. Good communication is essential for a strong relationship, but it’s hard for a lot of people. Opening up about your thoughts and feelings will bring you closer together, but keeping quiet will drive you apart.[14]
Sexual dysfunction. There are lots of reasons why you or your partner could experience issues like erectile dysfunction or pain during sex. If this is the problem in your relationship, your doctor might be able to help. This is a common experience, and your sex life can get better.[15]
Pregnancy and parenting. Pregnancy takes a huge toll on your body, and both partners can struggle with the stress of having a baby. Similarly, parenting is super demanding, and it’s hard to have sex with children in the next room. At the same time, it’s important to have alone time for just yourself.[16]
Medication or illness. Low libido can be caused by some medical conditions and treatments. In some cases, your doctor can help you find ways to raise your libido.[17]
Depression or grief. Both depression and grief can drain all of your energy and make you lose interest in activities you normally like, including sex. Your libido may return to normal in time as you feel better. Go ahead and talk to your doctor, though, because they can help.[18]
Attend couples counseling to get professional advice. Your therapist can help you learn to communicate better, which allows you to discuss your sexual needs. Additionally, they’ll help you understand your problems and suggest ways to fix them. Ask your partner if they’ll go to therapy with you to help improve your relationship.[19]
Send each other flirty texts. Sexting helps build sexual tension between you, and it gets you both in the frame of mind for intimacy. When you’re apart, tell each other what you hope to do when you see each other later. You could also send a suggestive photo or use innuendo.
Go on dates. When you’re married, it’s easy to let dating fall by the wayside. Most couples experience this, but it’s really easy to get back in the swing of things. Schedule regular date nights so you and your partner can reconnect and have fun together. Tell each other about your lives and what you’re interested in right now. You’ll grow closer, and it’ll help you have more desire for each other.[20]
Talk to each other about your sexual interests. You can’t pleasure each other if you don’t know what you each like.[21] That being said, you may feel uncomfortable discussing sex, even with your partner. If that’s the case, try talking in the dark or exchanging written notes.
Schedule sex. It might not sound romantic, but planning your sexcapades can be super sexy. It allows you time to anticipate the encounter, which builds tension, and gives you more time for the deed. Work with your partner to create a schedule that works for both of you.[22]
Experiment in the bedroom. Every relationship eventually becomes predictable. Trying new things can help you break out of your routine and spice things up.[23] Make a list of things you both want to try, then start checking things off. You could try:
Bond over new routines. Just being near each other helps build emotional intimacy, so make a point to spend time together. Everyday routines like cooking or running errands are a great time to bond. Just do things together.[24]
Work on your self-esteem. You’re such a catch, but it’s easy to forget that. Building your self-confidence improves your sex life because it can raise your libido.[25] Start doing things that make you feel sexier so you feel better about yourself.[26] You might:
Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCDr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
