Download ArticleFigure out if the guy you’re seeing actually likes you or if he’s using you for something else
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This article was written by Cher Gopman and by How.com.vn staff writer, Hannah Madden. Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.
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Are you worried that the guy you’re seeing isn’t into you for the right reasons? Maybe he’s evasive when it comes to talking about your relationship status, or maybe he doesn’t act like you two have a future together. Figuring out if you’re dating a player can help you decide if you want to keep him around or cut him loose. Keep reading to get signs from the experts that a guy is playing with your feelings.
This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach, Cher Gopman, founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- If he doesn’t want to meet your friends (or have you meet his), he might see this as a short-term fling.
- If he’s constantly “too busy” for you but hangs out with other people, he may be playing you.
- Try asking him about the relationship to see where you stand. If he brushes off the question, he’s likely not serious about you.
- If you think your guy is playing you, ask him about his intentions. Consider breaking things off if he’s not looking for a relationship.
Steps
See if he’ll only hang out with you in certain parts of town. When you two are together, does he generally stick to the same area? He might be worried that you’ll have some awkward run-ins with other dates if you two go elsewhere.[1] If you want to know for sure, casually mention visiting a new restaurant, movie theater, or park in a different area of town, then gauge his reaction.- If he’s really playing you, then he’ll act flustered or annoyed that you suggested somewhere else.
- Ask yourself if he’s always the one who decides where you should go. Of course, he may just want to take charge for other reasons, but this could be a giveaway that he wants to steer you away from places where you’re likely to run into some of his other dates.
- The same is true if he only wants to hang out late at night. Usually, this means he’s only after a booty call, and not a real relationship.
See if he’s reluctant to meet your friends or to have you meet his.[2] If your guy never wants to meet your friends, it may be because he doesn’t want to make the relationship a serious commitment. If he doesn’t want you to meet his friends, it may be for the same reason, with the additional worry that his friends may say something about the other people he’s seeing. Whether he’s seeing someone else or not, if you’ve been together for a while and he’s shown no interest in wanting to meet your friends or have you meet his, then it’s a red flag.[3]- If he doesn’t want to become a bigger part of your life, then it’s likely because he doesn’t want things to get too serious. He might also be worried that you’ll find out he likes someone else.
- That said, if you try to rush him into meeting your friends, or even your family, after just a few weeks of dating, then you may be moving too fast. He may have legitimate reasons for taking things slow, like wanting to make sure he knows where things stand, or giving his friends some time to get used to the idea of him having a new partner.
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Examine his behavior when he runs into you in public. If things are great when you and your guy are alone and he suddenly gives you the cold shoulder when you run into him at the mall or outside a restaurant, then something is definitely up. Either he’s acting weird because he’s seeing another person and doesn’t want to be seen with you, or because he doesn’t want his friends or anyone else to think he’s dating you. Either way, this is be a cause for concern.- If he really cares for you, then he’ll be excited to see you and maybe even show you some affection. Of course, he doesn’t have to be as affectionate in public as he would be in private, but he will act like he really wants to see you. [4]
- Read his body language for signs that he likes you. Does he make eye contact and move toward you? If so, then that’s a good sign. But if he stands away from you, crosses his arms over his chest, and keeps looking around instead of looking at you, then this means that he’s trying to keep his distance.
See if he’s reluctant to be affectionate with you in public. If you two go out on a date but he acts like you’re brother and sister, ask yourself why. If he’s playing you, then he doesn’t want the world to know that he’s seeing you, either because he’s also seeing someone else or he just wants to keep his options open. Though not all guys are into holding hands, for example, if he really cares for you, he’ll want to give you some sort of affection.[5]- You don’t want to put the pressure on him to be affectionate in public too early, but if you’ve gone on several dates and he still stands a foot away from you any time you’re out together, then this may be a cause for concern.
Watch for signs that he’s being hot and cold. If he’s all loving, sweet, kind, and wanting to kiss you one minute and then the next, he acts like he barely knows who you are, then this may be because he’s playing with you. Maybe he’s in the mood to hang out with you on certain days, while he thinks he has better things to do on others. Whether this means he’d rather hang with another date or spend time with his buddies, if he’s always hot and cold, then he’s definitely playing with you.[6]- Think about it: does he often leave you feeling confused about what he really feels about you or where you stand with him? If so, then this may be because he’s playing with your emotions.[7]
See if he would never give up a night with his friends for you. If the guy is playing with you, then he’ll never think that you come first with him. He would always spend a night out with his buddies, but when it comes to you, he’ll only hang out with you on certain times, when you suspect that his friends might be busy or that he has nothing else on his social calendar. If he really likes you, then he’ll think of you as a priority, not as social sloppy seconds. If you want to know if he’s playing with you, see if he’ll ever give up a night with his friends for a nice evening with you.[8]- If the guy is serious about you, then he’ll be excited about hanging out with you instead of his friends, at least some of the time. Though you don’t want him to give up his other friends or his social life for you completely, if he makes no compromises for you at all, then it may be because he’s playing with you.
Watch for shady behavior on his phone. One dead giveaway that a guy is playing with you is that he’s very secretive when it comes to his phone. If he’s always checking his phone and then texting away from your direction, stepping out to take calls a lot without telling you who called, or goes hours without picking up his phone with no explanation, then it may be because he’s playing you.[9] The same goes if you two aren’t connected on social media or if he’s blocked you from seeing his social media accounts.- Think about it: does he ever leave his phone out, even for a second, or is it always stuck in his pocket? Though you don’t want to snoop through it, if you can tell that he’s freaked out even about the idea of you seeing who is calling or texting him, then you may have a problem.
- Another thing you can look out for is if he turns off his phone completely when he’s hanging out with you. Though this may be a sweet gesture to give you his full attention, it may also be his way of warding off other partners who might be calling him when you’re together.
- If you don’t trust your partner, it’s unlikely that this relationship can work out long-term. Keep that in mind as you decide whether or not to continue things with him.[10]
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Watch for excuses that he’s too busy for you. If you’ve heard him tell you how busy he is again and again, saying that he doesn’t have 10 free minutes for anyone, and then you heard that he spent his night out with a bunch of friends, that’s a red flag. The truth of the matter is that if a guy really wants to hang out with you, he’ll find the time to do it. It’s different if he’s actually super busy, but if you know he’s hanging out with others, that’s a red flag.[11]- He might also take a long time to respond to your texts, or blow you off when you call. If so, he’s likely trying to signal that he’s not that into you.[12]
Listen to his compliments to see if they’re only about your body. When a guy only wants to be sexual with you, he’s likely not paying that much attention to your personality. He might still compliment you, but they’ll likely be about your appearance or how hot you are. If that’s the case, it’s a sign that he’s not taking things too seriously.[13]- Try asking him what he likes about you. If he can only name physical features of yours and nothing about you as a person, that’s a red flag.
See if he’s reluctant to commit to anything more than 2 weeks in the future. If your guy tries to change the subject any time you try to talk about the future, even if you’re only talking about your holiday plans which are a month away, then this may be a sign that he’s playing you. If he’s serious about you, then he’ll want to see you as a part of his future and he won’t back off when you bring it up.[14]- Of course, if you’ve been dating for 3 weeks and start talking about your wedding, it’s natural that he’ll freak out. But if you just bring up what you’ll both be doing a month from now, then he’ll have no reason to worry if he cares for you.
- Listen to how he talks about you and the relationship. If he never, ever brings up the future or includes you in his future plans, then he may be playing you.
Ask him if he’s told his friends about you. If you finally meet his friends or run into his friends and they say something like, “I didn’t know he had a new date…” or just look surprised by your presence, then this is because the guy didn’t think your relationship was serious enough for him to bring it up to his friends. If he cares about you and you’ve been seeing each other for a while, then he’ll be excited about the relationship and will want his friends to know who you are.[15]- If he’s sweet to you when it’s just the two of you, but is more buddy buddy or even distant around his friends, then he may just like to flirt with you without wanting anything serious.
- Of course, some guys like to act tough in front of their friends, and he may not shower you with kisses when you meet them. But if he’s never even told them about you, then he may just be playing you.
See if he’s reluctant to call you his partner. If you consider him your boyfriend while you’ve never heard the word “partner” or “girlfriend” come out of his mouth, then this may be because he doesn’t think the relationship is as serious as you think it is. If he introduces you to people as his friend or even seems like he’s not feeling it when you call him your boyfriend, then it may be because he’s playing you.[16]- Sometimes, words do speak louder than actions. If he refuses to call you his partner even though you’ve been dating for a while, then there must be a reason behind it.
Find out if he’s flirting with other people. If you want to know if he’s playing you, then see how he talks to the other people he knows. Sure, he may be polite and not interested when he talks to other people if you’re standing right next to him, but if you see him talking to a cute person out of the corner of your eye from the other side of the room and he’s being incredibly flirtatious, then this may be because he’s playing you.[17]- If he really likes you, then he’ll find no need to talk to other people in a flirtatious way. Sure, he can still talk to them and he doesn’t have to ignore everyone but you, but if you can tell from the way he talks to other people that he wants more from them than just friendship, then he may be playing you.
- Though you don’t want to spy on him or get too obsessive, if one of your friends is at a party where he’s talking to other people, ask your friend what it was like. Though your friend can’t be too obvious about watching him, you may get a better read on the situation this way than you would if you were in the room yourself.
Watch out for tons of excuses. He may be so smooth and so convincing that you don’t even notice that he’s completely lying to you. He may tell you about his grandmother getting sick, his dog needing to go to the vet, or about how he forgot your date because he “overslept.” Sure, things happen, but if you find that he has a perfect excuse for every little reason why he’s disappointed you, then he may be playing you.[18]- If you’ve heard the excuse “my phone died” more than twice, then chances are, this is not the real reason he didn’t call you back.
- If he seems extra sweet and apologetic when he gives you these excuses, then it may be because he’s covering up the fact that he’s lying.
Look for signs of nervousness when you ask him about his night. Another way to see if he’s playing you is to simply ask him how his night went if he told you he was staying in or hanging out with his friends. While you don’t need to ask about every little detail of the night, just ask a few questions about what happened, like what movie he watched or which bar he went to. If he’s nervous, he might start stuttering or fidgeting.- Though you don’t want to interrogate him, if you just ask a few questions without making a big deal about it, you may even be able to catch him in a lie.
- Ask him while you’re doing something else, like scrolling through your phone, so he doesn’t see that you’re really trying to figure him out.
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Ask him what his intentions are. If you want to know if a guy is playing you, the easiest way can be to ask him. Though you may not want to know if he’s cheating on you, you can just ask him where you stand with him. If he’s not feeling it as much as you are, then you’re better off knowing sooner rather than later. Simply find some time to be alone and ask him what his thoughts are about you and your future together. [19]- Though this may not be easy, this is far better than wondering for months. You’ll have a definitive answer, once and for all. And if he’s obviously lying, then you’ll be able to see that, too.
- If you’re really feeling bold, you can just flat-out ask him if he’s cheating. Point to some shady behavior that has led you to feel this way.
- If you’re looking for a long-term relationship and he isn’t, then it’s time to end the relationship.
Ask your friends what they think. Though it’s best to just ask him yourself, you can also get some great feedback from your friends, too. They’ve been watching the situation unfold and may have a sense of what the relationship is like from the outside. They may even have a better sense of whether or not he’s playing you because they might have seen him with people without you and may have a different impression.- Tell your friends to be honest with you and not lie just to spare your feelings.
- They can investigate a bit if you really want them to. If it won’t look too obvious, you can have one of your friends casually show up in a place where your guy is likely to be and to keep an eye on him to see how he is with other people. Of course, if he thinks you’ve sent a spy in his direction, he’ll be on his best behavior.
Show up at his place when he doesn’t expect it. Pop in an hour earlier than you said you’d be there to see if there’s a different woman there or if he’s suspiciously cleaning everything up. You can also just drop by because you’re “in the area” at a time when he’s supposed to be studying or home working to bring him some coffee or a treat. When you show up, see if he’s happy to see you or if he seems nervous, like he’s hiding something—or someone.[20]- Of course, if it’s totally absurd that you would show up at his house out of the blue, then he’ll be on to you. But if you’ve come over there before and it hasn’t been a big deal, just try to make it seem natural.
Snoop through his things—if you’re okay with breaking his trust. Though snooping through your guy’s things won’t win you any trust points, if you’re desperate and feel pretty sure that you want to cheat on him, try looking through his phone or his email. Or, look through his room for suspicious items like female clothing that is obviously not yours. Snooping is a last resort, so only do it if you feel like you really need answers and nothing else is working.[21]- The problem with snooping is that even if you’ve found evidence, you’ll have to admit that you’ve been going through the guy’s things if you want to call him out. This will likely make him angry at you, and will take the focus off the real situation. Don’t use this method unless you’re ready to end the relationship, since he may be angry enough to break things off.
- If you’re looking through his phone, have an excuse ready in case he catches you. You can say that your phone died and that you were looking up the restaurant where you two were having dinner or that you needed to quickly check your email or something. Though this may not be too convincing, it may be better than nothing.
Try to catch him in a lie. If he’s mentioned that he hung out with his friends or brother the other night, when you see them, you can ask about how the boy’s night out went. If they look confused, then you may know that he lied. If he tells a story about how he had to stay home because his sister was having drama, you can ask him how she’s feeling a few days later. If he acts like he has no idea what you’re talking about, then it may be because he already forgot his own lie.[22]- You can even try asking him simple questions like which movie he saw if he went to the movies with his friends. If he looks embarrassed or clearly doesn’t know the answer, then you’ll know that he’s playing you.
Trust your gut, even if there’s no proof. Maybe he’s not seeing other people, but he still can be playing with you just because he’s not feeling it as much as you are.[23] As long as you know you’re not the one with jealousy issues and see that you have a real reason to be concerned, if you really think he might be playing you, then it’s time to cut him loose.[24]- When you’re with a guy who really cares for you and who is there for only you, you’ll know. You won’t spend hours calling him and wondering where he is and you won’t have to stoop as low as snooping through his things or following him because you’ll have no reason to do it. You’ll know that he’s there for you 100% and that will be an amazing feeling.
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Expert Q&A
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- QuestionHow can you tell if a boy really likes you?
Cher GopmanCher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.
Dating CoachYou know someone likes you by how they treat you, how they look at you, and how they talk about you and treat you around other people. People show affection in different ways, whether it be through hugs or doing things for you, but if someone likes you, they will be there for you and focused on you. - QuestionWhat do I do if I know my boyfriend is cheating on me, but the other girl he is dating is my best friend, and she is madly in love with him?
Community AnswerDump them both. Clearly he's not loyal and neither is she, what kind of friend falls in love with their best friend's boyfriend? And what kind of friend acts on it? You can't trust either of these people. - QuestionI have recently started talking to someone and I am unsure of where we stand. He is not very trusting and he tells me I need to earn my place as his girl. Should I continue?Community AnswerIf he is telling you that you have to EARN the spot of being his girl then you should probably move on. If he truly cared about you he would take you as you are and not expect any more from you. It would probably be in your best interest to look around for some other guys and date them, maybe he'll see what he's missing or you'll find someone better that is more worthy of you.
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- Dating a player is okay as long as you don’t want anything serious. However, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, it may be better to move on.[25]Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a50437/signs-he-just-likes-you-for-your-body/
- ↑ Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.
- ↑ https://www.vixendaily.com/love/enormous-signs-hes-not-serious-about-you/
- ↑ Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.
- ↑ https://www.today.com/health/my-boyfriend-won-t-touch-me-public-wbna29158047
- ↑ https://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/signs-hes-not-serious-about-you/4/
- ↑ Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a50437/signs-he-just-likes-you-for-your-body/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
- ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview. 10 September 2021.
- ↑ https://www.thisisinsider.com/signs-isnt-serious-about-you-2018-9
- ↑ Patti Novak Williams. Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 12 January 2021.
- ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
- ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
- ↑ Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a50437/signs-he-just-likes-you-for-your-body/
- ↑ https://www.insider.com/signs-isnt-serious-about-you-2018-9
- ↑ https://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/signs-hes-not-serious-about-you/
- ↑ Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.
- ↑ https://stylecaster.com/how-to-catch-a-cheater/
- ↑ https://stylecaster.com/how-to-catch-a-cheater/
- ↑ https://stylecaster.com/how-to-catch-a-cheater/
- ↑ Maya Diamond, MA. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 17 January 2019.
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a50437/signs-he-just-likes-you-for-your-body/
- ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer. Expert Interview. 10 September 2021.
About This Article
Dating Coach
This article was written by Cher Gopman and by How.com.vn staff writer, Hannah Madden. Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post. This article has been viewed 941,000 times.
Co-authors: 25
Updated: January 30, 2024
Views: 941,000
Categories: Relationship Issues
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 941,000 times.
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