How to Show Your Spouse That You Truly Love Them

In the excitement of a new romance, it seems easy and natural to communicate your love for the other person. After marriage, however, many couples settle into a routine in which one or both partners feel as though they are taken for granted. Don't let another day go by without reinforcing your love for your spouse. Follow these steps to show your partner how much you really love them.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Allen Wagner. Check out the full interview here.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Showing Love Through Actions

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1
Start off small. Small things can make a big difference if you put a little thought and feeling into it. Your wife or husband ultimately wants to know that, at the end of the day, you're thinking of them.^{[1]XResearch source} All of the following can be done for little or no money.
- Suggest an after-dinner walk through the neighborhood.
- Turn one room into a dance floor and ask your spouse for a dance.
- Camp out in your own back yard.
- Read to your spouse in bed (with or without comic commentary).
- Go to the gym together (some couples swear that sex afterwards is great).
- Talk about ideas for a romantic vacation and store the details for safekeeping.
2
Progressively get bigger. It's nice to mix up the small, more mundane actions with bigger, more meaningful ones. These ones take a little more work and may cost (some, although not very much) money, but they'll be worth it when your spouse screams with excitement or wriggles with joy.
- Make a video montage of your wedding night.
- Reach out to your in-laws and plan a surprise birthday party.
- Recreate your first date, first kiss, or first run-in.
- Write and record your spouse a love song (can be sincere or tongue-in-cheek).
- Create a storybook fictionalizing the beginning of your relationship.
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3
Show your love through thoughtful actions. They can be simple things, like drawing a bath, giving a massage, doing the dishes, or writing a poem. Choose an action that you know your partner will appreciate. Remember, denying yourself never means doing things begrudgingly. If you show affection, but drag your feet along the way, you may as well not be doing it.
- Buy something for him/her when you know that they specifically want it. If he wants a Craftsman set of tools, or she wants a Fendi handbag, they might be upset at your well-meaning attempts to get them or make them something similar.
- Make something for them when you're trying to show effort. It doesn't take much effort to buy your spouse what you know they want, but it sure takes effort thinking of a poem, writing it down, and setting it in a frame. This shows real commitment.
- Numerous small gestures are easier than one big one. In case you thought you could wing it and make up for all your normal neglect, sorry: It's much easier to do small things for your spouse at regular intervals than it is busting out a grand gesture every blue moon. Practice small and steady.
4
Spend time being present with your partner. (This is often the least used, but the most powerful form of loving.) Turn off the phone, the TV, computer, and the radio and sit together allowing yourselves to experience each other. Being present with your husband or wife obviously provides the opportunity to serve him or her, so be available to love your spouse.^{[2]XExpert SourceAllen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 6 March 2019.}
- Go on a date at least once a month. Children, busy schedules, and apathy can all get in the way, but you both should shoot to be alone for dinner or the movies at least once a month. These moments can really help reignite the marital flame.
- When in doubt, ask questions. People love talking about themselves, and your spouse is no different. Pepper them with great "how," "what" or "when" questions instead of simple "yes/no" questions. Great conversations rely on great questions. Become a connoisseur.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Really get to know their past. Some spouses are surprised to learn, after many years, everyday details about their partner's past. Showing a concerted interest in their past shows them that you really care about who they are. Don't lie, tell the truth admitting to your mistakes shows you trust each other and accept your past.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Showing Love Through Words

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1
Speak your love. Clear communication will let your partner know how much you love them. Speaking from your experience is a way of sharing yourself so that your partner can hear it. You might say, "My heart goes pitter patter when you walk into the room" or "I think about you throughout my day, and each time I do, I smile." Say whatever is true for you.^{[4]XExpert SourceAllen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 6 March 2019.}
- Praise your spouse's talents and accomplishments. Figure out, if you haven't already, the ways in which your partner thinks they're unique or distinguished. Spend your time reinforcing those traits. If your husband fancies himself an intellectual, praise him for his smarts; if your wife fancies herself a fashionista, praise her for her style.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Get used to talking about feelings. Don't shy away from talking about what emotions you're going through. Dialogue about the emotions your partner is having. Share even inconsequential things that happened during your day, as it will make your partner feel more intimately involved in your life.^{[6]XResearch source}
2
Speak the truth. Telling your partner the truth is a loving thing to do because it shows trust and respect. The truth doesn't have to be positive to be meaningful. It just needs to be true. Show your spouse unconditional love, but not unconditional acceptance. Always be willing to accept correction from your spouse too. This helps each of you develop and grow as better people and strengthen your relationship not build your relationship on a fantasy or falsehoods.
- Don't raise your voice, used loaded words, or generalize using words like "always" and "constantly." These can make the truth sting more than it needs to.
- Don't be caught up into the cultural notion that to love is to never seek to help someone better himself or herself. Trust that your significant other actually wants you to tell them the truth. You should strive to encourage each other keep coming up with ways to better yourselves and your relationship.
- Use gracious words to point out your spouse's weaknesses and offer constructive suggestions on how to improve these things. If your spouse is especially sensitive, balance out criticism with praise.So they see what they need to improve, don't just lie and say they're perfect they way they are, point out what they need to improve, help them become better in a positive way.
3
Find out your partner's preferred Love Language. Do they know you love them when you speak words of love? Or maybe they feel loved by your acts of service? Some people feel loved by receiving little gifts, and others by loving touches. Real love is not based on your preference but your partner's.^{[7]XExpert SourceAllen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 6 March 2019.}
- Things that men might consider about women: A little physical affection goes a long way. Guys don't often show physical affection, and sometimes a little gesture like a kiss on the neck or a spontaneous embrace is just what she needs. Don't think of it as reassurance; think of it as reaching out.
- Things that women might consider about men: Men sometimes think of physical affection as unnecessary or even clingy. That's not to say that you can't show your love; just be aware that to him it's not as important. Give your spouse time to voice his emotions, and don't punish him if he can't.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Showing Love Through Trust

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1
Remember that actions often speak louder than words. Don't just say something, do something. It sometimes bothers your spouse when you consistently say you'll do something, but never get around to doing it. When your words don't have any initiative behind them, they start losing some of their oomph and your spouse may start trusting you less.
- Don't make excuses. Excuses may be real for you, but they sound like excuses to your spouse. Don't bring your past "mistakes" into your new relationship, this is also seen as an excuse, no matter what the situation, abuse, hurt, financial suffering, don't bring it up. Anything can be over come and worked through with time talk to your partner about this, than leave it in the past, don't keep using it as a crutch hold in your future. Man or woman up, admit when you make a mistake, and try to make it better next time. Your spouse will notice.
2
Trust that your partner acknowledges your efforts. Love is not a competition: It's not about getting your due or being "even" with your spouse. Trust that your partner realizes how lucky s/he is to have you.
- Don't always ask for validation. Validation is important, but learn to get by without it, even if you desperately want it. You may have just gotten your wife an amazing gift, and for whatever reason, she's not especially grateful; trust that she appreciates your effort and the present, and don't dwell on the lack of validation.
- Trust your partner to be by him/herself. Unless there's a history of infidelity, trust your partner to make responsible, loving decisions in your absence. If they're out for beers with friends, or at a bachelorette party, trust them. They'll be surprisingly likely to honor your trust if you actually extend it.
3
Remember what love is. Love is an act of the will, not a warm feeling or a clever expression of experience. Although love is different for every person, and every person shows it differently, love often requires you to deny yourself and seek to meet your beloved's needs.
- Think about the last time your spouse made you smile. What did s/he do to make you feel like you were the luckiest person in the world? Is there anything that you can do that might make them feel the same way back to you?
- Go the extra mile for them. The modern world has made us busy; we're constantly doing stuff, and we never seem to have enough time to do it. Can you go out of your way to help your spouse do something that they need to do, that they dislike doing, or merely something they'd appreciate?^{[8]XResearch source}
  - Get the oil changed in her car; press or iron his shirts before a big day at work or an interview; help in the kitchen so the two of you can enjoy the evening together.
  - Buy a gift certificate and urge her to go shopping with her girlfriends; help do the lawn, clean the gutters, or prune the trees.

Become a Better Lover with this Expert Series

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Expert Q&A

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Question
How do I connect more with my wife?
Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.
Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
Skip the typical norms of conversation whenever you decompress at the end of the day. Instead of going for the typical, "How was your day," make a strong effort to actually engage in meaningful conversation.
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Question
How can I show my spouse I love them in little ways?
Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.
Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
Give them random, thoughtful reminders that you care about them. This could be something as simple as texting them to say, "I just drove by that restaurant where we had our first date!" Something like that really shows the other person that they're on your mind.
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Question
What does it mean to express your love?
Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.
Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
This just refers to your ability to demonstrate love. In my mind, it's basically your ability to be open to the other person’s thoughts. It's about being open to compromise, and connection. I think if you want to show somebody that you love them, sometimes it’s understanding why certain things have meaning for your partner and finding that beautiful, even if it’s not something that interests you.
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Tips

Take your partner out to different places such as out for dinners, movies, picnics,or vacation. Don't go to places you went with your exes this may be awkward for both of you. Go to new places, learn new things. Learning new things together helps build the relationship and helps you learn about each other.
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For men, attend to details whenever your wife gets dressed up for any event by picking out anything new and praise it. When you are shopping with her, show her some of the available options (according to her taste) and if you don't like what she picks up, never express your dislike.
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Remember, service and love are inherently connected. Whatever you know your partners needs, that is what you should be doing to love him or her. The moment you start insisting on your way or doing what you want, you stop showing love to your spouse. A marriage or relationship isn't just about you, love is a partnership, you put your partner's needs first. You should want to take care of them, protect them and ensure their happiness above all else.
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