This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
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If you have been in a moderate to long marriage, you might need to rekindle the flame with your wife. During the dating phase, couples are strongly sensitive to feelings of love and the various methods needed to gain that love. Once married, however, there are many factors that slowly pull that focus towards other responsibilities like work, maintaining a house, and taking care of children. Love comes in many forms, so finding the one that your wife cherishes is important to getting her to fall in love with you once again.
Compliment her. Make your wife feel good by giving her compliments or praise. Think of the compliments you gave her when you first started dating. Tell her those same compliments and how they still make you love her even more.
Start the day by giving your wife a compliment. Let her know at the start of the day how beautiful she is and how lucky you are to have her.
Be persistent. If she refuses your compliment or she undercuts your compliment because she doesn’t think you are sincere, be persistent. Tell her again and look into to her eyes, then give her a hug to let her know that you are serious.
An indirect way to compliment your wife is to stop ogling other women. A harmless glance never hurt anybody, but if you stare or make a comment it will hurt your wife’s feelings. Keep your focus on your wife; she will appreciate it.
Brag about her to other people. If she hears you she will adore you. Or somebody will eventually tell her what you said and she will appreciate it.
2
Pamper her. This does not mean you need to go out and buy expensive jewelry, clothes, or a hand bag; rather, something thoughtful like a surprise back rub, a hot bath with rose petals, or a bouquet of flowers sent to her work.[1]XResearch source
Buy her a cozy robe she can wrap herself up in after a hot bath or shower.
Give her some time alone to relax and do what she wants to do around the house.
Cook her favorite dinner. All she has to do is show up and sit at the table. You do the rest.
Get her some plush slippers to wear around the house.
Prepare a picnic all by yourself and pick a scenic location.
Good smelling toiletries are always a hit. Give her some bath goodies and prepare a hot bath with rose petals. Then, have her cozy robe and plush slippers ready when she gets out.
Chocolate, of course, almost always works.
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3
Write a love letter. Women love to receive original love letters from the person they care most about and, in today’s world, a love letter is very rare indeed. Sending “I am thinking about you” texts, tweets, or emails are nice, but putting something down on paper and placing it in an envelope with her name on it is something special. She will certainly consider this a thoughtful gift.
Write down your most romantic thoughts and memories on nice letter paper. Make it smell good by spraying a small amount of her favorite scent or your aftershave or cologne on the paper. Be romantic and write a letter for every week of the year.
Don’t copy something you found on the internet. Make sure your letter is original and sincere by expressing your appreciation and clearly describing your feelings as you write down your thoughts. This will personalize your letter.
Try poetry. Even if you never wrote a poem before, she will certainly appreciate your effort.
4
Plan a romantic date. This does not mean the typical, and perhaps boring, dinner and a movie. Instead, try something novel, inspirational, or adventurous that provides a lasting and romantic memory for life.
Try something spontaneous and adventurous like arriving at the airport with no bags or destination and jump on a plane to somewhere you never been before.
Do something inspirational, like participating in a new activity together. Try making pottery, go ice skating, or take a class on how to give a sensual massage.
Seek out something novel, like a hot air balloon ride, horseback riding, or rock climbing.
5
Take a trip down memory lane. The nice thing about long marriages is that you create a lot of good memories. Don’t let those memories get stuck in a photo album or in reminiscing – relive them. Treat your wife like she is your girlfriend all over again.
Take a trip back to where you first met. Kiss her and compliment her like you did when you were trying to win her over. Visit the restaurant where you had your first date or go to the movie theater where you watched your first movie together.
Sit down and watch your wedding video again. Tell her how beautiful she was on that special day and how she is still beautiful to this day.
6
Focus on the quality of sex. People often get caught up on how many times a week they have sex or become so busy with their job, kids, and other responsibilities that sex becomes more of an act that an intimate encounter. Try to take one day a week to slow things down and become deeply intimate with your wife by spending quality time in the bedroom together. Show her that making love to her is still something that is important.[2]XResearch source
There is no actual “right amount of sex” for a married couple to have. Focus on quality rather than quantity if you are trying to get your wife to love you again. Concentrate on all the special actions that demonstrate to your wife that you are “making love” rather than “having sex.”
Although it’s nice to have candles lit after a hot bath with soft music playing in the background for a romantic encounter, quality does not necessarily mean romantic. Quality sex should be intimate and a show your desire to show your wife that you truly love her.
7
Keep yourself clean. Practice good health and hygiene. Your wife will be proud to be at your side if you take pride in your appearance. She will probably appreciate it if you stay in good shape. Take a shower every day, wear clean clothes, and brush your teeth and hair.
This also means to clean up after yourself. Throw dirty clothes in the hamper and clean up the sink when you are finished shaving.
Mind your manners. Living with somebody for a long time gives comfort and security that should not be taken advantage of. Use manners when you have a bodily function, such as saying, "Excuse me" when you burp or pass gas.
Assist with household chores. If you live in a relationship where your wife is the primary house cleaner, take some time and pitch in. The extra time you save her that day will allow her to do something else she enjoys. She will also appreciate your consideration in taking an active role in keeping your home clean and tidy.
Household chores could also mean taking care of children. Brushing teeth, going to the toilet, combing hair, getting dressed, and eating breakfast is a time-consuming process. If you can pitch in or take the responsibility away from your wife a couple days of a week, she will appreciate both the time you save her and your interest in the kids.
If feeding, grooming, and taking the dog for a walk is not usually your responsibility, go ahead and take care of the dog or other pets once in a while. It will make both your wife and the pooch happy.
A few nights a week, wash the dishes and silverware or even better, polish them. Try doing the same with the laundry, washing and ironing so she doesn't have to.
2
Take notice of her work. Let your wife know how much you appreciate all the work she does around the house. There is little enjoyment in household chores, running the children all over town, and going grocery shopping, often while working another job as well. If you do not participate in any of these responsibilities, then let your wife know how impressed you are with her abilities to multitask.
Acknowledging your wife’s hard work is important because there are few, if any, awards, salary increases, or promotions for the jobs she does around the house. She deserves the credit for keeping the family moving forward.
Recognize your wife’s contributions by telling her she is the reason why you call this a “home” and not a "house.” This will prove to her that you appreciate how she puts her heart, love, and skill into making this your home.
3
Notice the little things. Little things can make big things happen. Take notice if your wife gets a haircut, wears new jewelry, or changes a routine meal with new ingredients. She will be happy that you care enough to notice when she does something different.
Other little things you can do is hold your wife’s hand if you are out taking a walk or put your arm around her when you are sitting together in front of the television. These little “love messages” let your wife know you still care and that you are happy that she is with you.
Don’t forget to say “Thank you!” Remember, just because you are married does not mean that she is still not a woman, or human being. Saying thank you shows appreciation for all the hard work.
Listen to her. Communication is absolutely essential to a long and prosperous marriage. Listening is one of the most important tools for understanding your wife’s ideas, decisions, and interests. Be an active listener the next time she wants to talk about her favorite things, really listen to her; she will appreciate it. Besides, listening shows her that you are serious about what she has to say and not taking her for granted.[3]XTrustworthy SourceUS Department of StateOfficial website of the U.S. Department of StateGo to source
During a general conversation make eye contact, give her your undivided attention, and acknowledge what she is talking about.
Listening demonstrates that you are trying to understand her on a deeper level. Remember when you first dated and how you were so interested in everything she had to say? Try to rekindle that and get her excited about you again. Be empathetic to what she has to say.
Show you're really focusing on her with body language and verbal confirmations, such as leaning in slightly when she's speaking, maintaining eye contact, nodding, holding hands, saying, "Yes," or, "I agree," and asking questions when she pauses.
2
Show loyalty. Loyalty is similar to trust in that they are the foundations to any happy and long-lasting marriage. Betray either and it will be nearly impossible to regain them. Be faithful to your wife emotionally and physically; she needs both.
Being loyal is important in proving that you will be there for your wife both emotionally and physically whenever she needs you. When a crisis occurs, she knows that you will be there to support her with kind words and helpful actions.
Loyalty means that you keep your promises. Don’t do anything that will discredit your words or disappoint your wife.
Respect your wife’s weaknesses and discretely compensate for those weaknesses, as she likely compensates for yours. Loyalty is not shaming or getting angry at her because of them.
Say only kind things about your wife to others. It is okay to share frustrations with a trusted friend, but never shame your wife. A loyal spouse does not badmouth his or her wife behind her back.
3
Establish mutual goals. Setting long-term goals is an important part of planning for a long-term relationship. As long as you and your wife are consistently working towards achieving goals together, there is a good possibility that you will stay together for the long-term. Do you want to move to a larger house or build an addition onto your current home? Do you want to take a vacation somewhere exotic? Sometimes those goals get lost when times get busy. Sit down with your wife and reestablish the goals you want to achieve over both the short and long haul.[4]XResearch source
Try thinking about and then writing down your goals separately. Once you are finished get together with your wife and compare notes. Are there any that are the same or similar? Make them your “together goals.”
Redefining goals with your wife will establish the direction you take in the upcoming years. This demonstrates to her that you care about your marriage’s success and proves to her that you are planning for a long life together.
When you share serious long-term goals with your wife, you will give a sense of maturity and security. Something that will make her care deeply about you.
Celebrate success. As you accomplish your goals over time – celebrate them. This is something you achieved together as a couple and a milestone should be rewarded and celebrated.
4
Provide a sense of security. Security can mean many things: physical, financial, and emotional. This does not mean getting a gym pass to gain muscle to protect your wife at the bar; rather, it means to reaffirm your love for her by supporting and being there for her when she needs you.
Invest time and interest in your wife and children. This will make your wife feel more secure about your relationship and provides good family teamwork in all that you do.
Provide security for your wife by being assertive. Communicating with your wife assertively will make both of you feel more satisfied and fulfilled by enhancing your emotional honesty, expressing your feelings clearly, seeking your wife’s opinion, and telling her you needs in non-threatening way.
5
Be morally strong. Show your wife that you will be there for both good times and bad. Being a pillar of strength will go a long ways in securing a long future with your wife. Protect her and don’t allow other people to say derogatory things about her. Instead, make her feel protected and safe.
Be understanding when your wife goes through a rough patch at work or at home. Make sure you give her a big hug, tell her you love her, and let her know that everything will be alright. Taking the time to do this will help her to fall back in love with you.
Also, be kind to others. Women love to see their spouse be generous, patient, and understanding. When you do this to other people it will generate a warm spot in her heart for you.
6
Give her space. Everybody needs space, even your wife. She is probably taking on the dual roles of caring for the home and working a full-time job. Give her some space by taking the kids out all day and giving her the freedom to do whatever she wants, even if it is just lying around the house all day watching television.
Encourage your wife to have a “ladies night out” with her friends to relax and have fun without the worries of everyday life.
Encourage her to pursue a hobby that will let her concentrate on something other than family all of the time.
7
Seek love and happiness through therapy. Whether you have serious issues to resolve or just need a third person to talk to about your daily marriage life, couples therapy, or marriage counseling, is a good way to recognize and resolve any type of conflict in your relationship. Therapy is a good way to communicate with your wife and to show her that you take even the smallest of issues seriously.
Counseling is a proactive step to strengthen bonds and gain a better understanding of your spouse at any time, not just when you are in crisis.
Therapy can train you to use skills needed to solidify your marriage, such as open communication, problem-solving, and how to discuss differences of opinion.
Attending counseling sessions will help you to analyze both the good and bad of your relationship and identify the sources of conflict.
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This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011. This article has been viewed 415,936 times.
Hitting a rut in your marriage can be tough, but if you want to make your wife fall in love with you again, there are a few changes you can make. Pay attention to the small details, like if she styles her hair differently or wears a new top, and compliment her on those things. That way, she’ll see that you still appreciate her. Don’t forget to acknowledge the hard work she does and let her know that you're grateful. You should also make an effort to do romantic things, like cooking her dinner, taking her on a date, and writing her a love letter. At the same time, giver her space to do her own things so you don’t overwhelm her. For more tips from our co-author, including how to improve your communication with your wife, read on.
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 415,936 times.
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Brent Berger
May 12, 2017
"Start by reminiscing about what brought you close initially, and establish what the "glue" is in the relationship. The mutual dreams and aspirations that were goals need to be reinstated or updated and worked toward in order to renew commitments to one another."..." more
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Co-authors: 26
Updated: January 23, 2024
Views: 415,936
Brent Berger
May 12, 2017
"Start by reminiscing about what brought you close initially, and establish what the "glue" is in the relationship. The mutual dreams and aspirations that were goals need to be reinstated or updated and worked toward in order to renew commitments to one another."..." more
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Apr 18, 2017
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Compliment her. Make your wife feel good by giving her compliments or praise. Think of the compliments you gave her when you first started dating. Tell her those same compliments and how they still make you love her even more.
Pamper her. This does not mean you need to go out and buy expensive jewelry, clothes, or a hand bag; rather, something thoughtful like a surprise back rub, a hot bath with rose petals, or a bouquet of flowers sent to her work.[1]
Write a love letter. Women love to receive original love letters from the person they care most about and, in today’s world, a love letter is very rare indeed. Sending “I am thinking about you” texts, tweets, or emails are nice, but putting something down on paper and placing it in an envelope with her name on it is something special. She will certainly consider this a thoughtful gift.
Plan a romantic date. This does not mean the typical, and perhaps boring, dinner and a movie. Instead, try something novel, inspirational, or adventurous that provides a lasting and romantic memory for life.
Take a trip down memory lane. The nice thing about long marriages is that you create a lot of good memories. Don’t let those memories get stuck in a photo album or in reminiscing – relive them. Treat your wife like she is your girlfriend all over again.
Focus on the quality of sex. People often get caught up on how many times a week they have sex or become so busy with their job, kids, and other responsibilities that sex becomes more of an act that an intimate encounter. Try to take one day a week to slow things down and become deeply intimate with your wife by spending quality time in the bedroom together. Show her that making love to her is still something that is important.[2]
Keep yourself clean. Practice good health and hygiene. Your wife will be proud to be at your side if you take pride in your appearance. She will probably appreciate it if you stay in good shape. Take a shower every day, wear clean clothes, and brush your teeth and hair.
Assist with household chores. If you live in a relationship where your wife is the primary house cleaner, take some time and pitch in. The extra time you save her that day will allow her to do something else she enjoys. She will also appreciate your consideration in taking an active role in keeping your home clean and tidy.
Take notice of her work. Let your wife know how much you appreciate all the work she does around the house. There is little enjoyment in household chores, running the children all over town, and going grocery shopping, often while working another job as well. If you do not participate in any of these responsibilities, then let your wife know how impressed you are with her abilities to multitask.
Notice the little things. Little things can make big things happen. Take notice if your wife gets a haircut, wears new jewelry, or changes a routine meal with new ingredients. She will be happy that you care enough to notice when she does something different.
Listen to her. Communication is absolutely essential to a long and prosperous marriage. Listening is one of the most important tools for understanding your wife’s ideas, decisions, and interests. Be an active listener the next time she wants to talk about her favorite things, really listen to her; she will appreciate it. Besides, listening shows her that you are serious about what she has to say and not taking her for granted.[3]
Show loyalty. Loyalty is similar to trust in that they are the foundations to any happy and long-lasting marriage. Betray either and it will be nearly impossible to regain them. Be faithful to your wife emotionally and physically; she needs both.
Establish mutual goals. Setting long-term goals is an important part of planning for a long-term relationship. As long as you and your wife are consistently working towards achieving goals together, there is a good possibility that you will stay together for the long-term. Do you want to move to a larger house or build an addition onto your current home? Do you want to take a vacation somewhere exotic? Sometimes those goals get lost when times get busy. Sit down with your wife and reestablish the goals you want to achieve over both the short and long haul.[4]
Provide a sense of security. Security can mean many things: physical, financial, and emotional. This does not mean getting a gym pass to gain muscle to protect your wife at the bar; rather, it means to reaffirm your love for her by supporting and being there for her when she needs you.
Be morally strong. Show your wife that you will be there for both good times and bad. Being a pillar of strength will go a long ways in securing a long future with your wife. Protect her and don’t allow other people to say derogatory things about her. Instead, make her feel protected and safe.
Give her space. Everybody needs space, even your wife. She is probably taking on the dual roles of caring for the home and working a full-time job. Give her some space by taking the kids out all day and giving her the freedom to do whatever she wants, even if it is just lying around the house all day watching television.
Seek love and happiness through therapy. Whether you have serious issues to resolve or just need a third person to talk to about your daily marriage life, couples therapy, or marriage counseling, is a good way to recognize and resolve any type of conflict in your relationship. Therapy is a good way to communicate with your wife and to show her that you take even the smallest of issues seriously.
"Start by reminiscing about what brought you close initially, and establish what the "glue" is in the relationship. The mutual dreams and aspirations that were goals need to be reinstated or updated and worked toward in order to renew commitments to one another."..." more
