How to Become a Better Lover

Whether it's in the bed or out, a new relationship or an old one, everyone can stand to be a better lover. Your partner is worth it! Read the article below for some great tips and tricks and get on your way to a more exciting and fulfilling relationship.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Allen Wagner. Check out the full interview here.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Being Your Best

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1
Make intimacy a priority. It's easy to get caught up in our lives and feel too busy for intimacy, especially if we've been with someone for a while. However, relationships that leave one or both parties feeling unsatisfied just can't last.^{[1]XExpert SourceAllen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 6 March 2019.} Make time for intimacy to keep the fires burning strong.^{[2]XResearch source}
- If you have kids that are a bit older, tell them that you've both had a very long day and you're tired so you're going to go to bed.
- If you have younger kids, get them into bed at a fairly early hour.
- Avoid only being intimate very sporadically, like when you take trips or set aside a "date night" once or twice a year. This is not good for a relationship.
Make sure that everyone involved is happy and giving full consent before getting too serious. This is important for both men and women. If your partner is drunk enough to see giant purple mole-rats, you should not be getting intimate. Get a "yes", not an "I guess".^{[3]XResearch source}
Don't expect sex to be like it is in porn and don't expect your partner to look like a supermodel. And especially don't expect yourself to look one way or another. This will make you and them insecure and uncomfortable, reducing pleasure for everyone involved.
If you want to find out more about what feels good to your partner, do some research. Read romance novels written for that gender or read advice columns online to find out ideas of what feels good and what doesn't.
We don't mean lose weight or get bigger (insert body part): your partner is with you because they already think you're sexy. When we say be appealing, we mean have good hygiene. Wear decent clothes. That kind of thing. Weight is subjective but very few people are turned on by the smell of week-old sweat.
Watch how your partner reacts to things. If they respond well to something you do, do more of that! If they seem uncomfortable, stop! Look for the subtle cues they give you, like putting your hand in a certain place. You can even try mimicking the things that they do to you as oftentimes it is their way of asking for something in particular.^{[4]XResearch source}
Slow down everything about your intimate relationship. Build up to intimate acts slowly, by embracing the subtle art of The Make Out and other types of foreplay. You should slow down the act itself too! This extends and heightens pleasure for all involved parties.^{[5]XResearch source}
You do, of course, also need to get enjoyment from your intimate relationship, but focusing on your partner and making sure that they are satisfied and feeling amazing will go a long way towards improving the relationship and making them want to reciprocate.^{[6]XExpert SourceAllen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 6 March 2019.} Go out of your comfort zone.
We all know the few basic places our partners like to be touched, but don't forget to explore their whole body! People are sensitive in all sorts of places and to all sorts of different degrees. You may find that your partner goes nuts if you kiss them on the back of their knee! You never know!
Become the master of the kiss. Being a great kisser is important and being a bad one can be a real turn-off. Master the art of kissing before trying to master anything else!
Don't let your intimate relationship become a routine. Avoid using the same positioning or the same location or the same time of day. Making a routine takes away a lot of the romance and enjoyment for everyone. Break out of your mold and switch things up every now and again to keep your romance alive.^{[7]XExpert SourceAllen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 6 March 2019.}
Human sexuality, like most things with humans, is incredibly complex. Everyone is different. And because we are all different, the range for what is actually normal is incredibly large. Never close your mind to anything, because you may be surprised at how much you or your partner enjoy something you never considered before. Try things, and if you enjoy them, keep doing it!

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Advice for the Guys

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Really repetitive motions do not work in intimate situations. Her genitals are not an elevator button that you can just push repeatedly and hope to get results. The same can be said of her nipples. Think circular movements and variations in pressure, direction, and motion, and you'll be fine.
Men get stimulated with sensations on their penis, so you'd think that women would be stimulated by sensations in their vagina, right? Unfortunately, it's not that simple! Most women don't get a whole lot of pleasure from just vaginal stimulation alone. Wikipedia the clitoris.^{[8]XResearch source}
When you're dealing with sensitive parts, be gentle unless she specifically asks otherwise. Nibbles and pinches here and there can feel amazing for some women but not all, and you don't want to get smacked.
Guys, you know you love it when she makes all of those little moaning sounds. It lets you know how much she's enjoying it, right? But did you know that she likes to hear you make sounds too (for the same reasons)? Maybe not so much with the grunting, cause it can get a little cave-manish, but say things like, "Oh, that feels so good..."^{[9]XResearch source}
No, really, turn up the heat. Women have a harder time feeling as much pleasure when they are cold, studies have shown. Get under a toasty warm blanket or crank up the thermostat if she really seems to be having trouble and you've tried everything else.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Advice for the Ladies

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Don't use your intimate relationship as a weapon in arguments and don't ever actually promise sex and then not deliver. This is cruel. It would be cruel if he did it to you and it's cruel if you do it to him. This also doesn't work in your favor, since it teaches him to associate sex with negative emotions and disappointment, which will really hurt your relationship long-term.
The major complaint that guys have about women is the classic "dead fish". Get yourself moving when you're being intimate. Guys need less work, but that doesn't mean they need no work. Keep your hands and legs moving, caressing him, when you're together and occasionally take some initiative and take control of the situation. You'll blow his mind.^{[10]XResearch source}
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Go all-natural. Take off all the makeup and go easy on the hairspray. Guys are attracted to your softness and they'll be much more turned on if they can get their fingers through you hair or kiss your cheek without getting a mouthful of powder. Gross!
- Ramp up the softness even further by shaving and moisturizing. We recommend a long-term Bag Balm regimen.
4
Let him try some fantasies. Guys watch porn. Almost all of them. And they think about sex a lot. This is just a fact of life. Because they do this, they get ideas, fantasies of things that really turn them on. If you want to make your man a happy man, let him act out some of those fantasies every now and again. Wear a school uniform. Play doctor. Talk to him about what he fantasizes about and then make it a reality. He'll never know what hit him.
- Just be sure that whatever fantasies you decide to play out, you're comfortable with what you're doing. Everyone should be happy!
- You can be nonjudgmental and still say no to a request. These things are not mutually exclusive.
- Reader Poll: We asked 302 How.com.vn readers and 62% agreed that making sure both partners are comfortable is the most important part of role-playing and exploring fantasies. [Take Poll]
Waking up to your soft body and warm kisses can be a great way to surprise your man. You can do this on a weekend morning or be really spontaneous and do it in the middle of the night (when you know you can sleep in in the morning). He'll enjoy the spontaneity and the break from the norm.^{[11]XResearch source}

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Away from the Bed

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The person to whom you intend to show affection must become your single point of attention. You will be a great lover if they feel they are the only person in the world when they are with you. That is the impression you are trying to make when you begin with focus.^{[12]XExpert SourceAllen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 6 March 2019.}
You must be upbeat when expressing your sentiments to them, whether about them personally, the situation, or the condition of the world at large. Be an uplifting presence that helps them see the better things around them, especially about themselves
Make sure to listen and see how the other person is responding to your attention at every step--the object here is to find the correct tempo that the other person is capable of hearing, seeing and fully feeling your expressions of affection. This is about them, not about you having a stage and acting out--you are always seeking to understand their experience of you so you can again make it even better.^{[13]XExpert SourceAllen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 6 March 2019.}
You must express optimistic sentiments with a passion that is infectious to them. Bring them a wave of positive emotions to carry them towards pleasures in themselves and the world around them and they will be yours forever.^{[14]XResearch source}
Life is way too hard and complicated. We often get totally sucked in to our problems and forget to see all the wonderful things in the world. But that's what our partner is there for: to remind us of the good things by making us laugh and helping us find the humor in tough situations. Be that person for your lover.
If you really love the one you're with, and you watch them closely enough, you'll come to realize that they have certain habits and ticks that you will come to adore. Most people only see these things after a long time in their relationships, but if you get a head start now, you will start acting more loving with your partner and feeling closer to him or her.^{[15]XResearch source}
One should learn to compromise. Being a lover means sharing. It's only fair that you do because love is about sharing, and growing. Treat others how you want to be treated.

Become a Better Lover with this Expert Series

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Ready to become the best lover you can be? We've put together this expert series to help you spice things up in the bedroom and foster romance in your relationship.

1

Become a Better Lover

2

Spice Things Up in the Bedroom

3

Make Love Last

4

11 Ways to Make a Woman Feel Loved and Secure

5

Be a Better Boyfriend

6

Become a Romantic Man

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Tips

Smile first, then ask...
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If you can become a master of self-awareness, you can become a master of other-awareness...and vice versa: it's easy and fun to do.
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If you truly enjoy helping other people feel good about themselves you can become the greatest lover...and all others, in turn, will truly love you.
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Warnings

If you try using these techniques to manipulate and harm other people you will experience greater suffering and self-loathing than you already do; but of course, this greater suffering could be what works best to shock you out of the petty existence you're imagining at the moment you try to manipulate and harm others.
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