How to Stop Being Dependent on Someone Else

Maybe you always let your partner take the lead in your relationship, or maybe your social calendar seems to revolve around the same person. How are you supposed to feel more like yourself and less like somebody’s plus one? Don’t worry—we’ve got your back. Keep reading for plenty of tips and advice that will help you broaden your social horizons.

1

Widen your friend group.

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Expanding your social network helps you feel less dependent on a single person. Call up some friends or loved ones that you don’t see super often and see if they’d like to hang out. Focus on developing close, fruitful connections with multiple people; that way, your mental and emotional health won’t be tied with just 1 person.^{[1]XExpert SourceJulia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 11 August 2021.} Here are a few ways to meet new friends:^{[2]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Volunteering
- Going to public events
- Signing up for a class

2

Explore your own interests.

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Focusing on your passions can help you feel more independent. Think about your own personal interests—is there something you’ve always wanted to do? Try a variety of different hobbies and activities until you find something that you really enjoy.^{[3]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source} This way, you won’t need to depend on the same person to have a good time. Here are a few ideas to get you started:
- Training your dog
- Teaching yourself a new recipe
- Reading a new book
- Learning some new yoga moves
- Signing up for a hobby class

3

Make independent choices.

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Set your mind to something without asking someone else for advice. Dependency often stems from a fear of making the wrong choice or doing the wrong thing. Take baby steps as you slowly step out of your comfort zone—maybe you order dinner yourself instead of asking your partner what they want, or get ready for a night on the town without asking a friend to help choose your outfit. Here are a few other ideas to get you started:^{[4]XResearch source}
- Choose a movie to watch instead of asking for a second opinion.
- Do a solo hobby or activity that you enjoy.
- Make your own plans instead of relying on someone else.

4

Practice asserting yourself.

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Look for small ways you can speak up for yourself in your day-to-day life. Maybe you say “no” to a friend instead of automatically going with the flow, or tell your partner that you have other plans for the evening. Being assertive is all about being independent and drawing a clear line in the sand for other people to follow.^{[5]XResearch source} Here are a few ways you can practice:
- Telling your mom that she has to call you before heading over to your apartment
- Politely declining a friend who asks you to see a movie you’re not interested in
- Explaining to a co-worker that you can’t switch shifts due to prior plans

5

Set aside 10 minutes each day for self-reflection.

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Use self-reflection as an opportunity to get to know yourself better. Let your thoughts drift without criticizing them. What do you end up focusing on? How do you feel during these moments of solitude? The more you self-reflect, the more you’ll get to know your own dreams and personal values.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Journaling is a great way to practice self-reflection in a more hands-on way.^{[7]XResearch source}

6

Prioritize your own needs through self-care.

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Meet your own needs instead of expecting somebody else to meet them. Try developing a routine for yourself each day to help you nourish both your mental and physical health.^{[8]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Medical SchoolHarvard Medical School's Educational Site for the PublicGo to source} Here are a few self-care ideas that might come in handy:^{[9]XResearch source}
- Exercising regularly and eating healthy
- Meditating
- Spending time with friends
- Doing a fun, relaxing activity

7

Accept responsibility for your actions.

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Accepting responsibility promotes independence, while deflecting responsibility promotes dependence. When you deflect a problem to someone else, you’re essentially depending on them to make things better. Instead, focus on facing your problems head-on. You’re less likely to be dependent on others if you consistently take responsibility for any problems you run into.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Instead of blaming your teacher for a bad grade on your test, accept the responsibility that you may not have prepared enough for the exam.
- Instead of blaming your parents for grounding you, accept that you shouldn’t have broken curfew.
- Instead of blaming a friend for the fight you had, own the negative emotions that you had in the moment.

8

Build self-esteem with thought exercises.

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Dependency and low self-esteem are peas in a pod.^{[11]XResearch source} Low self-esteem is an internal issue that revolves how you think about and perceive yourself. Thought exercises are rooted in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and are designed to help you to conquer these negative thoughts and perceptions. Here are a few exercises to get you started:^{[12]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source}
- Hopeful Statements: Practice self-compassion by looking at the glass half-full. You might say, “Even though this week is really hard, I’m strong enough to deal with whatever comes my way.”
- Self-Forgiveness: Accept and forgive your mistakes instead of beating yourself up. Say something like, “I definitely messed up, but this mistake doesn’t define my worth as a human being.”
- Learning Experiences: Treat all negative events as an opportunity to learn and grow. Tell yourself, “Tonight definitely didn’t go the way that I planned, but I won’t let it bring me down. What can I do in the future to make things better?”
- Thought Challenging: Analyze your negative thoughts and perceptions using the facts of the situation. Do your feelings hold up against reality, or are they inaccurate?

9

Boost your emotional intelligence (EQ).

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Your EQ helps guide you away from emotional dependency.^{[13]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source} EQ is a technical term for your ability to have control over and understand your emotions in a healthy, productive way. According to mental health experts, the best way to increase your EQ is by:^{[14]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Staying on top of your emotions during tough situations
- Practicing mindfulness
- Paying closer attention to the nonverbal signals you give off
- Counteracting stressful situations with humor and laughter

10

Address your self-doubts head-on.

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Identify the source of your self-doubt and view it from a new perspective. As tough as it is, try thinking back to a time when someone made you feel like you weren’t enough. What did that person specifically say to you at that moment? Take that past comment and look at it from a new, more positive perspective. This technique is also known as therapeutically re-writing your history, and it’s a great way to reframe your past in a healthy, productive way.^{[15]XResearch source} Here are a few examples:
- Maybe your parents set the bar really high for you, and you felt like you had to constantly succeed to be worthy of their love attention. Remind yourself that every person has their own strengths and weaknesses and that your worth isn’t attached to your achievements.
- Maybe your childhood friend brushed you off in the past, and that experience made you feel like you weren’t worthy of other people’s attention. Try viewing this situation from a fresh perspective—maybe your friend was just busy at the time, or didn’t have the energy to hang out that day.

11

Visit a therapist if you're struggling.

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Therapy is a concrete way to face your dependency issues head-on. A therapist can help you figure out what’s really causing your dependency, and help guide you in a healthier direction with advice, treatment, and support.^{[16]XTrustworthy SourceCleveland ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source} While there’s no “one-size-fits-all” treatment for emotional dependency, some therapists might recommend:^{[17]XResearch source}
- Emotion-focused therapy
- EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy
- Personal growth therapy
- Hypnosis

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Tips

Don’t be afraid to get out and try new things. Experiment with what it's like to avoid things associated with that person.^{[18]XExpert SourceJulia Yacoob, PhD
Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 11 August 2021.}
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