How to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

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Everything you need to know to raise your EQ

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What is emotional intelligence?

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How to Develop Emotional Intelligence

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Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to recognize, understand, and express your own emotions, as well as to perceive and respond to the emotions of others.^{[1]XResearch source} These skills help you manage your stress levels and communicate effectively with the people around you, which can enhance your life both personally and professionally. In fact, research connects higher EQ levels with better performances at work and school, more satisfying social relationships, and improved mental health.^{[2]XResearch source} If you want to learn how to develop emotional intelligence, look no further! We’ll explain what emotional intelligence is and provide a list of helpful tips to increase it.

Things You Should Know

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your emotions, as well as the ability to perceive and respond to the emotions of others.
Ways to improve EQ include recognizing and noting your feelings, practicing mindfulness, building empathy, and working on regulating emotions.
Higher EQ levels are linked to improved performance at work or school, better relationships with others, and an increased ability to manage stressful situations.

Section 1 of 2:

What is emotional intelligence?

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1
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your emotions. It also involves being able to perceive and respond to the emotions of others.^{[3]XResearch source} These skills are essential for managing stressful situations, achieving personal or professional goals, and having successful relationships with the people around you.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Emotional intelligence is also called EQ, (emotional quotient) because it can be thought of as the emotional version of IQ (intelligence quotient).
- EQ isn’t a fixed trait—you can grow and develop it over time.^{[5]XResearch source}
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Emotional intelligence consists of 5 key components. These components are self-awareness, self-control, self-motivation, empathy, and social skills.^{[6]XResearch source} Understanding these 5 components can help you improve your emotional intelligence.
- Self-awareness: The ability to identify and understand your own emotions and how they affect your life experiences.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Self-control: The ability to manage and regulate your own mood, emotions, impulses, and behaviors.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Self-motivation: The desire to seek out challenging new experiences and the ability to delay gratification in order to achieve your goals.^{[9]XResearch source}
- Empathy: The ability to sense other people’s emotions and imagine what they might be thinking or feeling.^{[10]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}
- Social Skills: The set of abilities we use to communicate with, influence, and motivate the people around us.^{[11]XResearch source}

Section 2 of 2:

How to Develop Emotional Intelligence

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1
Identify and make note of your emotional reactions throughout the day. The ability to recognize and name your own emotions is an important indicator of a high EQ.^{[12]XExpert SourceJennifer Butler, MSW
Love & Empowerment CoachExpert Interview. 31 July 2020.} Try starting a journal to keep track of your emotions and reflect on their causes.^{[13]XResearch source} This will help you practice the skill of identifying your feelings and connecting them to the events that triggered them, so you can better manage your emotions in the future.
- For example, say you’re at work and you get cut off during a meeting. What emotions arose when this happens, and how did you respond?
- Maybe you felt embarrassed, which led you to be quiet for the rest of the meeting. Or, maybe you felt angry and stomped out of the room.
- Writing about the emotion and its cause will help you identify your triggers so you can be prepared for them if they come up again.
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Pay attention to your body. Instead of ignoring the physical manifestations of your emotions, start listening to them. Our minds and bodies are not separate, and they affect each other deeply. You can raise your EQ by learning how to read physical cues that clue you into what emotions you're feeling.^{[14]XResearch source} This essentially raises your self-awareness, which is a key component of EQ. For example:
- Stress might feel like a knot in your stomach, a tight chest, or quick breathing.^{[15]XTrustworthy SourceCleveland ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}
- Sadness might feel like teary eyes or fatigue.^{[16]XResearch source}
- Joy, pleasure or nervousness might feel like butterflies in your stomach, a racing heart or increased energy.
3
Practice Mindfulness. Practicing mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment and being intensely aware of your thoughts, sensations, and surroundings.^{[17]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source} This helps you become more aware of your emotions while fostering a non-judgmental attitude toward them, which can help you raise your EQ.^{[18]XResearch source} To get started with a mindful lifestyle, try practicing mindfulness meditation.
- Sit down in a quiet place and focus on the sensations you’re experiencing.
- Feel the flow of your breath, and let any thoughts that come up pass without judgment.^{[19]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}
4
Learn to manage your emotions. Once you’re able to accurately recognize and name your own emotions, it’s important to work on regulating and controlling them in order to raise your EQ.^{[20]XResearch source} Some helpful tools for managing your emotions include performing breathing exercises, taking a pause, and reframing.
- Deep breathing exercises can help calm stress and anxiety in emotionally-charged situations.
  - Start by taking a slow, deep breath through your nose, letting the air flow all the way down into your belly. Then, let the air flow out through your mouth, and repeat.
  - You might find it helpful to mentally count to 5 as you breathe in and then count to 5 again as you exhale in order to keep a steady pace.^{[21]XTrustworthy SourceNational Health Service (UK)Public healthcare system of the UKGo to source}
- Taking a pause in the middle of a conflict or argument can help you avoid any impulsive emotional reactions. If you start to feel the tension rising, step away from the situation to cool off.
- Reframing involves shifting your perspective to focus on the positive in a situation, rather than the negative, which can help you manage difficult emotions.^{[22]XTrustworthy SourceJohns Hopkins MedicineOfficial resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins HospitalGo to source}
  - For example, if you’re feeling stressed about a new responsibility at work, try to think of it as an opportunity to learn and grow.
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Work on your willpower. Self-control is one of the five major components of emotional intelligence, and willpower is key to self-control. Willpower involves resisting short-term temptation and gratification in order to focus on long-term goals. Researchers suggest that willpower is like a muscle, which means that it can get stronger over time with consistent, healthy exercise.^{[23]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source}
- For example, if your goal is to build a better relationship with your parents, willpower would involve controlling the impulse to lash out over small, day-to-day annoyances in order to work toward this long-term goal.
- Practicing mindfulness, setting clear goals, and avoiding tempting situations are helpful ways to build more willpower.^{[24]XResearch source}
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Practice self-compassion. Self-compassion involves recognizing when you’re struggling and being kind to yourself in those moments.^{[25]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Medical SchoolHarvard Medical School's Educational Site for the PublicGo to source} It has many benefits, like lowering levels of anxiety and depression and improving your overall well-being.^{[26]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Medical SchoolHarvard Medical School's Educational Site for the PublicGo to source} Research also shows that self-compassionate people tend to be more compassionate and empathetic toward others, which is a key aspect of emotional intelligence.^{[27]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}
- Try to treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love.
- Imagine your best friend going through what you’re going through. What kind words would you say to them?
- Now direct these words of compassion toward yourself.^{[28]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Medical SchoolHarvard Medical School's Educational Site for the PublicGo to source}
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Build your empathy. Empathy involves being able to recognize how other people are feeling and share in their emotions.^{[29]XResearch source} It’s essentially the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes. Developing empathy is a surefire way to increase your emotional intelligence and improve your relationships with others. Here are some ways to cultivate it:
- When you see someone experience a strong emotion, ask yourself, “How would I react in the same situation?” Actively imagine how they must feel, and think about what might alleviate their hardship.
- Read more fiction. Studies show that reading literary fiction improves the ability to recognize and understand other people’s emotions.^{[30]XResearch source} This means that reading more may help increase your empathy.
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Work on your listening skills. Truly listening to others while they speak helps you pick up on their emotions and respond to them, which is a key aspect of emotional intelligence.^{[31]XResearch source} Work on your active listening skills in order to be a good listener. Active listening skills include using engaged body language, summarizing and repeating what the other person said, asking thoughtful questions, and making sure you take equal turns talking.^{[32]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good in ActionAn initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful lifeGo to source}
- Examples of engaged body language include making eye contact, facing the person you’re talking to, nodding your head, and reacting with animated facial expressions.^{[33]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good in ActionAn initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful lifeGo to source}
- Try incorporating details from what the other person has said into your response.^{[34]XResearch source} This shows that you’ve been paying attention to what they’ve said. For example:
  - “It sounds like you were frustrated because your sister didn’t make it to your birthday party. Did you guys end up working things out?”
  - “So what happened after you left the grocery store? Were you able to find what you needed for the recipe somewhere else?”
  - “It’s so wild that you ran into your friend from high school. Did you have a good time catching up?”
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Put yourself out there socially. Getting out of your comfort zone and making an effort to be more social can help you practice and hone your social skills. This is key to building more emotional intelligence. Social connection also leads to better emotional and physical health and promotes well-being.^{[35]XTrustworthy SourceCenters for Disease Control and PreventionMain public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human ServicesGo to source}
- If you tend to be more introverted, challenge yourself to accept invitations to social outings that you might typically decline.
- It can be scary to step outside your comfort zone, but increased social connection can have a positive impact on your life, from less stress and anxiety to better quality sleep.^{[36]XTrustworthy SourceCenters for Disease Control and PreventionMain public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human ServicesGo to source}

Expert Q&A

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How can I improve my emotional self-control?
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Answer
If you disagree when someone gives their opinion, try to remember that it's not a personal attack on you and everyone thinks differently. You shouldn't get upset because it has nothing to do with how they view you.
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