Download ArticleDownload ArticleThis article was co-authored by Elvina Lui, MFT. Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.
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You love your girlfriend and want to make it work. But sometimes, love isn’t all you need. Relationships take work and effort. If you’re not willing to put those in, you may be single before you know it. You can increase your chances of maintaining your relationship with your girlfriend by spending quality time together, prioritizing communication, and practicing the art of compromise.
Steps
Work on the relationship each day. It’s usually the little things that show your partner you appreciate her. Attempt to do something each day that shows her you care. Making dinner, leaving a nice note, buying flowers, or telling her you appreciate what she does will make her feel special and show that you really appreciate it.- Going to a couple’s counselor or workshop once a year or so is also a good way to keep your relationship healthy. You may not think you need it, but you may be surprised how much closer it brings you. Additionally, reading a relationship book together can also help you to maintain your relationship.[1]
Know when to spend time apart. The saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is true, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Having a day or two to yourself each week helps you to better appreciate one another, and gives you a chance to miss each other. It also gives you an opportunity to reconnect with yourself and become a better partner.- A good rule of thumb for alone time is to take a day for yourself between every couple of days you spend together.[2]
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Have mutual interests. Nothing forges a stronger bond between you and your partner like shared passions. If you spend your leisure time always doing separate activities, your relationship may suffer. Even if you and your girlfriend are like night and day, try to find at least one interest that connects you and do it together often.- Try to plan a standing weekly date with your girlfriend doing something you both enjoy. Of course, this may translate to binge-watching House of Cards on Netflix. If that works for you, that's cool. But try to do something outside the house sometimes, if possible.
- For instance, you might work out together in the gym, go for a hike on weekends, visit local art galleries or museums, read the same book, or join a couple’s social group.
EXPERT TIPElvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.Relationship Expert
Elvina Lui, MFT
Relationship Expert"Lasting bonds also come from working towards a common dream," adds Elvina Lui, Marriage and Family Therapist. "As you two grow closer and learn of each other's dreams, if you integrate your efforts and direction, your bond will become even stronger. The simplest example would the the dream to start a family together, where the two of you are integral parts of each other's dreams — this would make you irreplaceable. This also applies to financial goals like owning property together and saving for retirement, those would be joint goals that involve teamwork."
Learn what she likes during intimacy. A physical connection is huge in relationships. So is taking the time to learn each other’s likes and dislikes when it comes to being intimate. Paying attention and trying to please her shows that you care and want to make her happy.- Notice what your girlfriend responds to and do more of that. You might also ask, “What kinds of things turn you on?” or something of that nature.
- Establish enthusiastic consent with your girlfriend by asking "Do you like that?" or "Is this okay?" If she responds favorably, keep it coming. If she says no, or seems ambivalent, stop.
- Have an attitude of acceptance and communication when it comes to sexual activity. Openly share what you like and don't like, and encourage her to do the same.
Talk about what you need. You may be afraid to vocalize what you want from your girlfriend. As a result, you can become resentful when she doesn’t fulfill your needs. Take the guesswork out by simply talking to her about your desires and encourage her to do the same.- State your needs using non-defensive "I" statements, like "I need you to trust me. I feel like you don't respect my privacy. I would appreciate it if you didn't go through my phone."[3]
Know when to listen. Especially in arguments, it’s important to listen to what your girlfriend has to say. Let her speak her mind before you jump in. Showing this type of respect is important in a relationship, and shows her you care about how she thinks and feels.- This isn’t to say you shouldn’t defend yourself. But allow her to get her feelings off of her chest before you state your point. Your sign of respect might encourage her to do the same for you.[4]
Give your support. Blunt is best when it comes to sharing how you feel about your girlfriend. Let her know that you are very happy to be her partner. Tell her daily how much she means to you and don’t forget to compliment her.- Encourage her to reach her dreams and do what you can to support her while she is. Applaud her successes, and bolster her confidence when she is struggling.
- Be present at important events and occasions to cheer her on.
- If she's sad and down, cheer her up by being there for her, listening actively and not judging her.
Avoid using hurtful words. Try not to say something hurtful that you will regret. It may be difficult for you not to, especially when you are extremely angry. Just remember, fighting is normal and healthy in relationships. Name-calling and using degrading words, however, are not.- Walk away from the argument if you feel you are about to say something hurtful. Simply tell her you need to take a break for a moment and go cool down. Doing so could help to keep your relationship intact.[5]
Realize that you can’t change her, and you shouldn’t want to. You are with your girlfriend because your list of “likes” about her is longer than your list of “dislikes.” If you want to make the relationship work, however, you’ll need to accept those dislikes. This could mean a lot of compromise on your part.- However, this doesn’t mean you should let go of your non-negotiables. Simply try to come up with an agreement that you can both live with. For instance, she may have her nose in her smart phone all night while you just want to spend quality time. Suggest that you set a designated time aside—for instance, one hour—where you both turn off your phones.[6]
Examine your expectations. You may have gone into the relationship thinking it was going to be your way or the highway. Or, you may have had other unrealistic expectations of how things were going to be. You’ll need to assess which is more important: trying to obtain these potentially far-fetched ideals, or compromising to something that works for the both of you.[7]
Ask yourself if the compromises are fair. Determine if the compromise you are asking of or are asked by your girlfriend is actually fair. Some compromises are more like demands and can ruin a relationship. If you believe the compromise you are asked to do is unfair, let her know. You shouldn’t have to give up what makes you you, and vice versa.- The only compromises that you should ask of your girlfriend and she should ask of you are ones that make you better and grow as a couple. Compromises that make you feel bad about yourself and negatively affect your life are typically unfair to ask of one another.[8]
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201107/10-truths-keep-your-relationship-healthy
- ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.com/uloop/how-to-keep-your-friends-_b_2947992.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200410/relationship-rules
- ↑ https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/relationship-advice-and-romance/11016984/Relationship-advice-five-experts-reveal-the-secrets-to-long-term-love.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200410/relationship-rules
- ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/compromise-relationships-_b_1292239.html
- ↑ https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/a4767/compromise-as-a-couple/
- ↑ https://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/12/29/o.compromise.good.bad/
About This Article
With regular attention and communication, you can maintain a healthy relationship with your girlfriend. Try to do small things for your girlfriend every day, like complimenting her, giving her a massage, and helping her out with an errand, to show her that you care. Spend quality time together at least a couple of times a week if you can, doing things like baking, going for a hike, or binge watching your favorite TV shows. You should also keep her updated on how you’re feeling, and encourage her to share her emotions with you so you understand each other. Inevitably, there will be times where you disagree on things, but if you look for a compromise together, you’ll get past the disagreements and find a comfortable middle ground. For more tips from our Relationship co-author, including how to maintain intimacy as a couple, read on!
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