Helping Someone Quit an Addiction to Porn

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Encourage them on the path toward recovery with this guide

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How to Discuss a Porn Addiction

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Treatment

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What Is Pornography Addiction?

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Signs of Pornography Addiction

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Self-Care

If someone you love, especially a romantic partner, is grappling with a pornography addiction, it can put you in a really tough spot. Try to understand that it doesn't reflect on their feelings for you. Having a pornography addiction often carries a lot of guilt and shame, so create a safe space for them to talk about it. If you want to help them, the best thing you can do is show them that you support them and that you're not judging them. Read on to learn more about this behavioral addiction and how you can help someone overcome it.

Things You Should Know

Help someone addicted to pornography by making a plan for them to quit, talking to them about it, and holding them accountable for steps they make to quit.
If someone has a pornography addiction, they compulsively view pornography, have no control over that behavior, and don't stop despite negative consequences.
Signs of pornography addiction include a lack of control over watching porn, spending a lot of time watching porn, and an inability to stop watching porn.

Section 1 of 5:

How to Discuss a Porn Addiction

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1
Talk to the person privately about their pornography problem. Choose a private area where the two of you can talk without distractions. Let them know that you aren't criticizing or judging them and listen actively if they're willing to open up to you about it.^{[1]XResearch source}
- For example, you might say, "I've noticed that you spend a lot of time online looking at porn lately. There's nothing wrong with looking at porn, but it seems like you're a little off balance. Would you like to talk about it?"
- Tell the person that you care for them and you just want what's best for them. You might also mention that they should never feel too guilty or ashamed to talk to you about it.
- If the person adamantly refuses that they have a problem and doesn't believe they need to do anything about it, reassure them that you're there for them if they change their mind.
- Look for patterns and triggers for their behavior. Helping them to disrupt these patterns could possibly help them have a healthier relationship with porn, if not eliminate it completely from their life.^{[2]XResearch source} Keep in mind that the person might not be aware that they have a problem. If the person has already mentioned to you that they believe their pornography viewing is a problem, on the other hand, you can help them by gently pointing out these patterns.
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Make a plan to help the person cut back or stop viewing porn. Based on the person's viewing patterns, think of activities that would be a replacement for watching pornography. Include options for the person to taper off their viewing before they eliminate it from their life completely—quitting something cold turkey can be extremely difficult.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Include ways to limit the behavior in your plan as well. For example, you might look at blocking or filtering apps for their electronic devices.
- Accountability is important. Think about ways you can help them here—look at monitoring apps that will send you reports so you can evaluate their progress.
- You don't necessarily have to do this on your own! Talk to a therapist or counselor who specializes in sex or porn addiction and they can give you some tips.
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Share your plan with the person if they're open to it. If the person agrees with you that their pornography viewing is a problem and they want to cut back or quit, that's a great thing. They've taken the first step on the road to recovery, which is to admit that they have a problem.^{[4]XResearch source}
- Talk about the plan together. If there's anything they disagree with, ask them what they think might work better.
- If they don't think they have a problem or they aren't interested in your plan, don't push it. Just tell them that you're available any time they want to talk about it and leave it at that. Remember, you can't force someone to change if they're not ready to.

Section 2 of 5:

Helping Someone Treat Pornography Addiction

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Volunteer to be an accountability partner. An accountability partner gets reports on a regular basis about how much time the addicted person is spending online and what they were doing there. If the person addicted to porn happens to be your live-in romantic partner, you're probably their ideal accountability partner. But even if you're just a close friend, you can still help them out.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Look for a filtering or blocking app that automatically generates reports and sends them to you. This works great for accountability because the person can't manipulate the reports.
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Set filters and screen limits on electronic devices. If the person is trying to quit porn entirely, install an app or browser extension that will block pornographic content. You can also set the preferences in search engines to block adult content.^{[6]XResearch source}
- On the other hand, if the person is trying to cut down before they quit entirely, a screen time limit app can help them keep track of time so they're not looking at porn for hours on end. Most smartphones come with these apps pre-installed.
- If the person regularly gets pornography-related emails, encourage them to consider changing their email address so they don't have to see those anymore.
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Help the person identify their triggers so they can avoid them. People who have a porn addiction typically have specific situations or feelings that make them want to watch porn. Talk to them and help them make a list of these triggers. Then, together you can brainstorm ways to avoid those situations. If a trigger is unavoidable, you can help them think of things they could do instead to take their mind off the idea of wanting to watch porn.^{[7]XResearch source}
- For example, if the person wants to watch porn every time they sit down at the computer in the bedroom, you might move the computer out of the bedroom and into the living room.
- For some porn addicts, the trigger might also be simply that they're trying to fill a void in their life. If they figure out what they're not happy with or what they're trying to cover up with pornography, they can work on that and eliminate the source of the problem.
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Give the person a journal for reflecting and tracking their progress. Journaling is a great way for the person to reflect on the role of porn in their life and keep track of how often they watch porn and for how long. As they start moving away from pornography, they can look back and see how far they've come and how much they've added to their life by cutting back or eliminating it.^{[8]XResearch source}
- They can also use their journal to write about their feelings and identify triggers that potentially cause them to want to watch porn so they can avoid those triggers or find ways to deal with them in a healthier way.
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Suggest healthy and rewarding activities to replace porn. The idea here is for the person to stay active and busy so that they don't necessarily have time for porn. Plan activities to do with them so that they're not alone and can be accountable for what they're doing. If people are expecting them to show up, they'll be less likely to bail on the activity in favor of watching porn. You might also suggest new hobbies or clubs that are aligned with their interests.^{[9]XResearch source}
- Getting active also triggers the person's brain to produce dopamine and other feel-good chemicals, which can help them if they feel down or depressed after quitting pornography, which is a common thing.
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Encourage them to meditate to find better focus and control. Studies have shown that meditation is helpful for sex addicts, and could be helpful for porn addicts too. When someone meditates, they learn to live more in the moment and identify their thoughts and feelings, which can help them control their craving for pornography.^{[10]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- A regular meditation practice can also reduce the symptoms of depression and anxiety the person might experience when you quit viewing porn after being addicted to it.
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Offer to take them to a support group. Support groups help addicts realize that they're not alone in their struggle to control their pornography usage. When they talk to other people who are going through similar circumstances, they can support each other and share recovery tricks and tips. It also helps them feel less guilt and shame about their problem. Here are some support groups you can try:^{[11]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
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Suggest talking to a therapist or counselor. Ultimately, a therapist or counselor who specializes in treating pornography or sex addiction can give the person the best tools they need to overcome their addiction. Cognitive behavioral therapy, in particular, is a strong method for overcoming behavioral addictions.^{[12]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- Because it can be shameful to admit to a porn addiction, many therapists offer virtual treatment programs that allow the person to get help from the comfort of their own home.^{[13]XResearch source}

Section 3 of 5:

What Is Pornography Addiction?

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Pornography addiction refers to compulsive pornography viewing. This is a type of behavioral addiction, like a gambling addiction or a shopping addiction. When someone has a pornography addiction, they watch porn compulsively and are unable to stop or control that behavior, even if it results in negative consequences.^{[14]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- Some people disagree with using the word "addiction" to describe behavioral addictions. But it is an addiction in the sense that using pornography triggers a rush of dopamine.
- Over time, the porn addict's brain stops producing dopamine in response to normal, everyday things so they are forced to turn to porn for that dopamine rush.

Section 4 of 5:

Signs of Pornography Addiction

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1
Lack of control over watching porn Someone who has a porn addiction doesn't really have any control over the compulsive behavior. They might find themselves watching porn without even realizing it or actively thinking about it. They might also find that they get distracted by porn instead of doing something they should be doing.^{[15]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- This lack of control is one of the "4 Cs" of behavioral addiction. The other 3 Cs are compulsive behavior, behavior that continues despite negative consequences, and behavior that you crave.^{[16]XResearch source}
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Spending a lot of time watching porn Like a drug or alcohol addict, a porn addict ends up engaging in the behavior as much as possible. They might even start taking greater risks with their porn viewing, such as watching it on their phone in public when there are people around. Basically, if they're addicted to that behavior, they will take every chance they get to watch porn.^{[17]XResearch source}
- Another aspect of this is that when they start watching porn, they lose track of time. For example, they might only intend to watch for 20 minutes, but then suddenly realize that two hours have passed and they're late for some prior commitment.
- They might also find that their tolerance increases so that they feel like they need to watch more porn, or more explicit porn, to continue to get the same results.^{[18]XResearch source}
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Trying to stop or cut down and failing Someone who knows that they have a problem with porn might've tried to cut back or quit before without success. A lot of people with behavioral addictions try to quit unsuccessfully several times before they finally end up quitting for good.^{[19]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- This inability to quit or cut down is connected to the lack of control that the person has over their porn-viewing habit.
- Relapses are also quite common and nothing to be ashamed of. Ending a behavioral addiction can be difficult, but a slip-up doesn't mean the addiction is impossible to end. The person just has to forgive themselves and recommit to their quit plan.
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Canceling plans or neglecting responsibilities to watch porn People who are addicted to porn start to believe that watching porn is more important than anything else they might need to do. Their brains are going to get more dopamine from watching porn than from doing other things and they've prioritized that dopamine rush.^{[20]XResearch source}
- For example, they might be late to work because they stayed up late watching porn or were watching porn in the morning before work and lost track of time.
- Neglecting to do housework or other chores and letting things fall by the wayside in favor of watching porn is another sign that the person might be addicted to porn.
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Feelings of guilt or shame about porn-viewing Someone who is addicted to pornography often feels ashamed or guilty about it. Pornography is generally considered a shameful thing by mainstream society and this contributes to those feelings. This is especially likely with people who come from conservative or religious families.^{[21]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- They might also feel guilty because they've neglected other responsibilities so they can watch porn.
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Lying or being secretive about watching porn This goes hand in hand with feeling guilty or ashamed. Someone who is addicted to pornography will likely try to hide their porn-viewing habits from other people, especially people in their family or people they think might judge them if they knew.^{[22]XResearch source}
- For example, the person might have a secret username or email address they use for porn sites, or clear the browser cache after they're done watching porn online.
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Continuing to watch porn despite negative consequences Even if bad things happen as a result of their porn viewing, a person who's addicted to porn can't or doesn't want to stop the behavior. They might try to stop, but their attempt isn't successful or they decide that it's too difficult to quit and not worth the effort.^{[23]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- People who are addicted to pornography frequently end up having relationship difficulties. They might even have a significant other leave them because of their pornography-watching habit.
- There can be physical negative consequences as well, particularly for people with penises. Erectile dysfunction is a common symptom of pornography addiction.
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Being preoccupied with pornographic material Someone who is addicted to porn typically thinks about porn all the time, even when they're not watching it. They might also feel a craving for porn when they're not watching it and feel as though they'd rather be watching porn than doing whatever they're doing.
- Porn addicts might also become preoccupied or obsessed with a particular actor or pornographic film studio.

Section 5 of 5:

Self-Care

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1
Set healthy boundaries with the person so you don't enable them. While you want to help the person, you also don't want to do anything that would enable their compulsive behavior to continue. Setting boundaries and enforcing those boundaries show that you love the person and are holding them accountable for their actions. This is especially important if the person refuses to admit that they have a problem and doesn't want to seek help.^{[24]XResearch source}
- For example, you might say, "I am installing filtering software and will no longer let you watch porn on our shared devices."
- Let the person know that you're not trying to control them or control their behavior by setting these boundaries, you're just trying to protect yourself.
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Take care of yourself while you support the person. You'll have a hard time providing someone emotional support if you're not looking after your own mental health at the same time. Loving someone who is struggling with a behavioral addiction can be a very draining thing, so make sure you're getting enough sleep and taking time to recharge.^{[25]XResearch source}
- Journaling about the process can help you come to terms with their addiction so that you don't feel guilty about it yourself.
- Exercise regularly to help manage the stress you might be feeling.^{[26]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- Don't be afraid to reach out to a therapist or counselor if you're having problems dealing with the person's addictive behavior.