This article was co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.
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Many people enjoy watching porn, unfortunately. It does not mean that those people are "bad" or somehow morally corrupt (unless the content in question is illegal in your country). But if porn makes you uncomfortable, knowing that your husband enjoys it can put a strain on your marriage. The best way to solve your problem is to communicate openly and honestly with your husband.[1]XExpert SourceRebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Clinical Therapist & Adjunct ProfessorExpert Interview. 2 October 2020. There are several steps you can take to find a solution to this issue.
Write down your main points. Maybe you have recently discovered that your husband looks at porn. Or perhaps this has been an ongoing issue in your relationship. Either way, its time to have an honest conversation about your feelings.[2]XResearch source
Prepare to have an open conversation about the problem. Your first step is to figure out your feelings.
Ask yourself why you object to his watching porn. Is it a religious issue for you? Or is it against your moral code?
Choose some words that describe how you are feeling. Be descriptive with words such as "frustrated", "worried" or "nervous".
Make a list of the things you want to say. This will help you to stay on track during the conversation and make sure that you make your points clear.
2
Choose the right time. Talking to your husband about his porn habit is an important conversation. You want to make sure that you allow yourselves time to deal with this tough topic. Take care to choose an appropriate time to have this talk.[3]XTrustworthy SourceUnderstoodNonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexiaGo to source
Try to avoid having this conversation late at night or early in the morning. You two will not be at your emotional best if you are tired.
Give him a heads up. Try saying, "I have something important to talk to you about. When is a good time for you?"
Don't rush the conversation. Choose a time when you know neither or you will be rushing out the door to work or being interrupted by the kids.
3
Be non-judgmental. You might have a serious aversion to porn. Those are your feelings, and that is okay. However, try not to base your talk with your husband purely on judgement.[4]XTrustworthy SourceUnderstoodNonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexiaGo to source
Try to use "I" statements. For example, you can say, "I feel very uncomfortable when you watch porn in our home."
These types of statements are more effective than "you" statements. Your husband will likely be defensive if you say something such as "When you watch porn, you make me mad."
Avoid eraser words. For example, try not to say, "I love you, but your porn habit is disgusting." Eraser words like "but" negate everything that was said before "but".
4
Ask questions. It is important that you let your husband know how you are feeling. However, don't forget that effective conversations allow both of the participants to talk. Make some effort to understand your husband's point of view.
Make it a point to ask for further information. Try saying, "So porn makes you feel excited. Is there another way you could achieve that same feeling?"
Ask for new information. Consider saying, "How do you see us resolving this issue?"
5
Listen carefully. Asking questions is an important part of having a constructive conversation. It is equally critical that you actually listen to the answers. Make it clear to your husband that you are listening carefully to his point of view.[6]XResearch source
Use non-verbal cues. You can indicate that you are listening by maintaining eye contact and making gestures such as nodding your head in understanding.
Try paraphrasing. You can say something like, "I hear you saying that this is a long-time habit. Is that right?"
Show respect. Allow your husband to finish his thoughts and sentences without interrupting.
Give yourselves time. Once you have had a constructive conversation about the topic, it is time to start working towards finding a solution. Don't expect that you will be able to resolve the situation overnight. This is a sensitive subject that might take a while to figure out.[7]XResearch source
Allow yourselves time to reflect. Remember that your first conversation on the subject does not have to result in resolution.
After talking to your husband, take a few days to think about how you feel. Were you able to effectively communicate? Do you feel at all better about the situation?
Start thinking about possible solutions. Write down any ideas that you have. Writing things down can help you to gain mental clarity.
2
Keep the lines of communication open. Once you have addressed the topic for the first time, make sure that you keep the discussion going.[8]XExpert SourceRebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Clinical Therapist & Adjunct ProfessorExpert Interview. 2 October 2020. You don't have to talk about it every day, but let your husband know that you still have things to talk about. Tell him that you would like to work together to find a solution.
It is possible that your discussion of porn led to an argument. That's normal. Many couples fight about what are called "hot button" issues.
Take some time to cool down. Say to your husband, "This conversation isn't productive right now. Let's walk away and take a little time to breathe."
Make it clear that the discussion is not over. You can say, "This topic is important to me, so let's revisit it tomorrow after we've both had time to gather our thoughts."
Compromises can often be very useful in resolving marital issues. They can make each party feel like the other is helping to contribute to a solution.
Figure out if you could handle a phased reduction of the porn viewing. For example, maybe you could say, "Are you willing to start by reducing the amount of porn you look at?"
If you are willing to compromise, your husband will likely be willing to work with you. Eventually, you will likely be able to reach your goal of no porn.
4
Revitalize your sex life. Many men say that they like to look at porn because it excites them. That does not mean that you are not attractive or that he does not enjoy having sex with you. It just means that sometimes he is looking for something different.[10]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Medical SchoolHarvard Medical School's Educational Site for the PublicGo to source
Try making some changes to your sex life. Maybe you have been stuck in a rut lately.
Make an effort to have sex at unusual times and in different places. For example, you could approach your husband in his morning shower.
Talk to one another about your sexual desires. You can explain what you want and listen to what would make your husband happy.
5
Make intimacy a priority. Intimacy is an important component of a healthy marriage. There are different types of intimacy. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are two examples.[11]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Medical SchoolHarvard Medical School's Educational Site for the PublicGo to source
Become emotionally intimate with your husband. This means being able to tell each other anything. Make it clear that no topic is off the table.
Try saying, "I understand that sometimes you have an urge to look at porn. I want you to know that you can talk to me about how you are feeling."
Connect on a physical level. Physical intimacy is not just about intercourse.
Be physically intimate by taking time to kiss and hug each day. Touch each other affectionately and do small things like hold hands.
Take a self-assessment. In a perfect world, your husband would agree to immediately stop looking at porn. However, the situation is likely more nuanced than that. As you go through the process of resolving the situation, check in with you how are doing.[12]XResearch source
Ask yourself how you are feeling about the progress you've made. Are you feeling good about the possibility of a compromise?
How could you make the situation better? Do you want to have another conversation with your husband?
Take steps to make yourself feel in control. Remind yourself that you are actively working on finding a solution.
2
Acknowledge your feelings. Finding a solution could be a lengthy process. You might find yourself feeling more emotional than usual. Remind yourself that that is normal. Allow yourself to feel a range of emotions.[13]XResearch source
You might go from feeling hopeful to frustrated in the span of one day. That's okay.
Don't judge your feelings. Simply acknowledge them and move on.
Consider keeping a journal. Writing down how you feel can be very cathartic. It can also help you track patterns in your emotions.
3
Consider therapy. When one partner wants to watch porn and the other doesn't, that can be a very tricky situation. Consider talking to an expert. Marriage counseling can be very useful in helping couples work through sensitive issues.[14]XResearch source
Find the right counselor. Ask your general physician to make a recommendation.
Read online reviews. Look for a licensed therapist who specializes in relationship issues.
Ask for a consultation. You want to make sure that you like the therapists approach and demeanor.
4
Get some advice. Trying to get your husband to stop looking at porn can be a frustrating situation. Remember that you don't have to go through this alone. You could seek individual counseling.
You can also seek out alternate sources of support. Perhaps you have a spiritual adviser like a priest or minister who could offer you some guidance.
Lean on friends and family. It's fine if you don't want to give any details about your marital problems. But you can still say, "I'm going through a rough time, and I could use some extra care and attention."
Reinvigorate Your Sex Life with this Expert Series
All marriages go through an occasional dip. If you're feeling disconnected from your partner, use this expert series to assess the situation clearly and even rekindle your love life.
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.
Watching pornography is actually a healthy habit as long as it isn't used excessively. However, if you feel uncomfortable with your husband watching it, you should talk to him about how it makes you feel. While it may be hard for him to stop completely, you can come up with a compromise that ensures you're both happy.
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This article was co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers. This article has been viewed 861,237 times.
While many people watch porn, if it makes you uncomfortable or puts a strain on your marriage knowing that your husband enjoys it, you’ll want to have an honest conversation with him about it. Before talking to your husband, figure out why you object to his watching porn. For example, maybe it makes you feel less attractive or it conflicts with your religious beliefs. When talking to your husband, try to avoid judging him and instead focus on how his habit makes you feel. For example, use “I” statements, like “I feel uncomfortable when you watch porn in our house.” Make sure to also ask your husband questions, like “Why is it important to you to watch porn” so you can better understand his point of view. After you talk, work together to find a solution. For instance, maybe you could say “Are you willing to reduce the amount of porn you look at?” By compromising, your husband will likely be more willing to work with you. To learn how to keep the lines of communication with your husband open, keep reading!
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 861,237 times.
Reader Success Stories
Spencer Boldman
Feb 19, 2017
"This works awesomely. My husband and I are both men, and we usually like to have "fun" in bed, but he started looking at porn. So I talked to him, and now we both have a happy life."..." more
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Co-authors: 90
Updated: March 18, 2024
Views: 861,237
Spencer Boldman
Feb 19, 2017
"This works awesomely. My husband and I are both men, and we usually like to have "fun" in bed, but he started looking at porn. So I talked to him, and now we both have a happy life."..." more
Mary Smith
Apr 18, 2017
"I have been wanting to address this issue with my husband, but had no idea how to approach it in a constructive manner. This gives me a "roadmap" to follow."..." more
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Lucy Clay
Feb 28, 2017
"I really appreciate the balanced, no-drama perspective you offer on a very hot issue. Thank you for an awesome contribution to peace between lovers."..." more
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Write down your main points. Maybe you have recently discovered that your husband looks at porn. Or perhaps this has been an ongoing issue in your relationship. Either way, its time to have an honest conversation about your feelings.[2]
Choose the right time. Talking to your husband about his porn habit is an important conversation. You want to make sure that you allow yourselves time to deal with this tough topic. Take care to choose an appropriate time to have this talk.[3]
Be non-judgmental. You might have a serious aversion to porn. Those are your feelings, and that is okay. However, try not to base your talk with your husband purely on judgement.[4]
Ask questions. It is important that you let your husband know how you are feeling. However, don't forget that effective conversations allow both of the participants to talk. Make some effort to understand your husband's point of view.
Listen carefully. Asking questions is an important part of having a constructive conversation. It is equally critical that you actually listen to the answers. Make it clear to your husband that you are listening carefully to his point of view.[6]
Give yourselves time. Once you have had a constructive conversation about the topic, it is time to start working towards finding a solution. Don't expect that you will be able to resolve the situation overnight. This is a sensitive subject that might take a while to figure out.[7]
Keep the lines of communication open. Once you have addressed the topic for the first time, make sure that you keep the discussion going.[8] You don't have to talk about it every day, but let your husband know that you still have things to talk about. Tell him that you would like to work together to find a solution.
Look for a compromise. It might be very important to you that your husband immediately stops looking at porn. However, that might prove difficult for him to promise. Ask yourself whether you are willing to compromise.[9]
Revitalize your sex life. Many men say that they like to look at porn because it excites them. That does not mean that you are not attractive or that he does not enjoy having sex with you. It just means that sometimes he is looking for something different.[10]
Make intimacy a priority. Intimacy is an important component of a healthy marriage. There are different types of intimacy. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are two examples.[11]
Take a self-assessment. In a perfect world, your husband would agree to immediately stop looking at porn. However, the situation is likely more nuanced than that. As you go through the process of resolving the situation, check in with you how are doing.[12]
Acknowledge your feelings. Finding a solution could be a lengthy process. You might find yourself feeling more emotional than usual. Remind yourself that that is normal. Allow yourself to feel a range of emotions.[13]
Consider therapy. When one partner wants to watch porn and the other doesn't, that can be a very tricky situation. Consider talking to an expert. Marriage counseling can be very useful in helping couples work through sensitive issues.[14]
Get some advice. Trying to get your husband to stop looking at porn can be a frustrating situation. Remember that you don't have to go through this alone. You could seek individual counseling.
Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFPRebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.
"This works awesomely. My husband and I are both men, and we usually like to have "fun" in bed, but he started looking at porn. So I talked to him, and now we both have a happy life."..." more
