Download ArticleDownload ArticleX
This article was co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and by How.com.vn staff writer, Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
There are 12 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 209,018 times.
Finding out your boyfriend watches porn can make you feel sad, angry, betrayed, and insecure. What you’re feeling is totally normal, and you’re not alone. There are several reasons why your boyfriend might be watching porn, and he may be open to changing his habits if that’s what you ultimately want. We’re here to help you figure out why your boyfriend might be watching porn. We’ll also offer some suggestions for how to talk to him about it.
Steps
Section 1 of 2:
Why does your boyfriend watch porn?
Download Article
He enjoys watching porn and doesn't think it's a big deal. It’s likely his decision to watch porn has nothing to do with you, and he still finds you really attractive. It’s totally normal to feel betrayed and to question if you’re enough for him. However, don’t let this trick you into thinking you’re not an attractive, amazing partner—you are.[1]He might want to put what he sees into practice with you.
He uses it to masturbate. It’s totally normal and healthy to masturbate.[4] Both you and your boyfriend need the space to masturbate when you feel like it. For some guys, watching porn is the easiest way to get off. He may even feel like he can’t masturbate without it.[5]- Respect your boyfriend’s need to masturbate because it’s totally normal and healthy for him to do it. At the same time, he may be open to doing it without porn.
- You might suggest that he use a suggestive photo or video of you to masturbate. Alternatively, you could try sexting.
Advertisement
He might feel lonely if you're in a long distance relationship. Even though you’re there for him, he may sometimes turn on porn to keep him company. For some people, porn creates a feeling of intimacy, which makes him feel fulfilled.[6]- If this is the case, you might be able to help him feel less lonely by spending more time with him on video calls or helping him find a new interest.
Sometimes this happens when couples live in different towns or countries, especially if it's a long way away.
He could have higher sexual needs than you do. It’s totally normal for partners to have different sexual needs. Your boyfriend might need sex more often than you do. Since his desire isn’t going away, he’s decided to use porn to meet his needs. He may think that he’s respecting your desire for less sex by masturbating.[7]
He may be addicted to porn if it’s interfering with his life or relationships. Watching porn doesn’t mean he’s addicted, but porn addiction does happen. Overcoming a porn addiction can be hard, but it’s possible with support. If you suspect your boyfriend might have a porn addiction, it’s best to see a couple’s counselor. Here are some signs he might be addicted to porn:[11]- He’s stopped having sex with you.
- He’s asking you to engage in scenarios he saw in porn.
- He’s neglecting his work and responsibilities.
- He turns to porn as a coping mechanism.
- He spends a lot of money on porn.
- He feels powerless to stop watching porn.
Advertisement
Section 2 of 2:
Talking to Your Boyfriend about Porn
Download Article
Choose a time when you’re feeling calm. Porn can really trigger a lot of emotions, so it’s totally normal to feel sad, angry, or betrayed. You have every right to feel that way, but it helps to cool down before you talk to him. He’ll be more receptive to what you have to say if you’re cool and collected. [12]- It might help to talk to a supportive friend before you talk to your boyfriend.
Bring up the topic of porn. Explain that you want to talk about how you both feel about porn. Talking about porn can feel awkward, but it’ll get easier.[13] You might say:- “I found porn in your browser history yesterday, and it surprised me. I was hoping we could discuss how often you’re looking at porn and why you feel drawn to it?”
- “Hey, I realize we’ve never talked about our porn habits. It’s been a while since I’ve watched any porn. How often do you watch it?”
- “I was shocked when I found porn on your phone yesterday because I thought you stopped watching it when we got together. I realize that I wasn’t being fair to you by making assumptions. Can we talk about this?”
- 3Tell your boyfriend why porn bothers you. Help him see things from your perspective. Be honest about how you feel so he understands why his porn usage upsets you.[14] You might say something like:
- “Finding out you watch porn just reminds me of my flaws. I can’t help but wonder if you want to see women with bigger breasts or no stretch marks.”
- “I felt really betrayed when I found out you watch porn. To me, that’s cheating because you’re going outside our relationship for sexual pleasure. Aren't you satisfied?”
- “I know a lot of people watch porn, but it makes me really uncomfortable.”
- “I didn’t realize you needed porn to masturbate. Would you be open to trying something else? Is there anything you want me to do to satisfy you?”
Explain your preferences when it comes to watching porn. You have a right to set your own boundaries when it comes to watching porn. Discuss these boundaries with your partner to see if you can come to an agreement.[15] You could say:- “It really bothers me that you’re watching porn. Would you be open to changing your habits now that we’re in a relationship?”
- "I don't like you looking at other women, so I really want you to stop watching porn. It feels like you're cheating on me."
- “Since it bothers me so much, would you consider giving up porn for our relationship?”
- 5Listen to how he feels so you can come to a compromise. It’s important to understand your boyfriend’s perspective, so ask him to explain his side.[16] Try to find a solution that makes you both feel respected and heard in your relationship.
- He may refuse to stop, and that’s his choice. If he keeps using it, you may have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.
Advertisement
Expert Q&A
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
SubmitAdvertisement
Video
Tips
- If you feel comfortable, consider watching porn with your boyfriend. This may improve your sex life and could be a good compromise.[17]Thanks
- Your boyfriend is the only one who can truly tell you why he watches porn, so it’s helpful to have a conversation about it.Thanks
- You can’t force your boyfriend to change, but your feelings are important. Your relationship won’t work if you can’t find a compromise that makes you both happy.Thanks
Submit a Tip
All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
Advertisement
Warnings
- Experts are divided about whether or not porn has harmful effects. However, porn can make some people desire unrealistic sexual scenarios and can make some people dependent on porn for sexual satisfaction.[18] If this happens, working with a couple’s counselor can help.Thanks
- Porn can be a problem in your relationship if your boyfriend is lying to you about it or keeping secrets. Additionally, it might be an issue if he's choosing porn over sex with you.[19]Thanks
Advertisement
References
- ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/general/why-does-my-boyfriend-watch-porn-exploring-the-differences-in-healthy-sexuality-and-porn-addiction/
- ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/porn/men-women-and-understanding-pornography/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201707/pornography-and-broken-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-the-erotic-code/202005/masturbation-is-sexual-health
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/why-wont-my-bf-stop-watching-p
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201803/4-ways-porn-use-causes-problems
- ↑ https://thewell.northwell.edu/dear-doctor/porn-watching
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-intelligence/201707/husbands-watch-porn-wives-despair-why
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sexual-intelligence/201908/does-watching-porn-count-cheating
- ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/general/why-does-my-boyfriend-watch-porn-exploring-the-differences-in-healthy-sexuality-and-porn-addiction/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201707/pornography-and-broken-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201707/pornography-and-broken-relationships
- ↑ https://www.regain.us/advice/general/why-does-my-boyfriend-watch-porn-exploring-the-differences-in-healthy-sexuality-and-porn-addiction/
- ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.
- ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/porn/men-women-and-understanding-pornography/
- ↑ https://thewell.northwell.edu/dear-doctor/porn-watching
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hero/201603/is-porn-good-us-or-bad-us
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2011/05/does-watching-porn-affect-intimate-relationships-part-one-men#1
About This Article
Licensed Professional Counselor
This article was co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and by How.com.vn staff writer, Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling. This article has been viewed 209,018 times.
Co-authors: 8
Updated: March 4, 2024
Views: 209,018
Categories: Addictions
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 209,018 times.
Did this article help you?
⚠️ Disclaimer:
Content from Wiki How English language website. Text is available under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License; additional terms may apply.
Wiki How does not encourage the violation of any laws, and cannot be responsible for any violations of such laws, should you link to this domain, or use, reproduce, or republish the information contained herein.
- - A few of these subjects are frequently censored by educational, governmental, corporate, parental and other filtering schemes.
- - Some articles may contain names, images, artworks or descriptions of events that some cultures restrict access to
- - Please note: Wiki How does not give you opinion about the law, or advice about medical. If you need specific advice (for example, medical, legal, financial or risk management), please seek a professional who is licensed or knowledgeable in that area.
- - Readers should not judge the importance of topics based on their coverage on Wiki How, nor think a topic is important just because it is the subject of a Wiki article.
Advertisement
