How to Practice Active Listening: Tips & Examples

Master the art of active listening to improve your relationships

Active listening is the most effective way of listening and engaging in conversation. When someone actively listens, they put their undivided attention on the speaker, show interest, and listen for intent or emotion.^{[1]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source} All of this not only benefits the listener, but it also benefits the speaker, helping them feel heard and seen. So, how can you fully engage in a conversation and actively listen? Follow the steps and tips below to become an active listener in any situation.

1

Get rid of distractions.

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Give the other person your full attention to show respect. When you’re about to have a conversation, put your phone away, turn off the TV, and avoid looking around the room. Set aside anything you’re working on, so you’re not tempted to fidget or lose focus. If you’re in a loud room, see if you can move to somewhere that’s a little quieter so you can avoid the background noise.^{[2]XTrustworthy SourceCenters for Disease Control and PreventionMain public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human ServicesGo to source}
- This also goes for mental distractions, such as fixating on the speaker’s mannerisms or daydreaming.
- It’s still okay to have quick, casual conversations from across the room, but put down what you’re doing and face the person speaking if you’re talking for a long time.

2

Maintain eye contact.

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Look at the person speaking so they know you’re attention’s on them. It’s okay to look away every now and then, but try to keep most of your focus on the other person’s face. That way, you’ll build a deeper connection and give your undivided attention to them.^{[3]XTrustworthy SourceCenters for Disease Control and PreventionMain public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human ServicesGo to source}
- We know it can be hard to make eye contact if you’re shy or uncertain, so try focusing on the space between their eyebrows or mouth. You can even practice making eye contact with yourself in a mirror.^{[4]XResearch source}
- In some cultures, prolonged eye contact is considered taboo and rude. Learn the customs of who you’re speaking to so you don’t make them feel uncomfortable.

3

Lean in toward the person.

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If you slouch and cross your arms, you may come across as uninterested. Instead, lean closer to the person speaking so you’re more attentive and can hear them better. Keep your arms at your side to help you look more open and accepting of what they have to say.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Stay aware of your body language throughout the conversation and correct your posture if you realize you’re closed off.

4

Smile and nod.

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Encourage the other person to keep speaking with facial expressions. Be mindful of your facial expressions so you don’t accidentally make it seem like you’re disapproving or disgusted by what’s being said. Instead, offer a kind smile and nod along with what's being said to show you understand and/or are interested. With a little bit of encouragement, you’ll make the speaker feel more comfortable about opening up and truly saying what’s on their mind.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Make sure your facial expressions match the tone of the conversation. For example, you probably shouldn’t smile when discussing relationship issues or another difficult topic.

5

Give short verbal affirmations.

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Saying something like “mmhmm” or “I understand” keeps you engaged. If there’s a brief pause, let the person know you’re listening to them with a short, positive phrase. Be mindful not to speak over the person or interrupt them. The other person will get that you’re understanding them and feel comfortable going deeper into the conversation. Other things you can try saying include:^{[7]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- “Okay.”
- “Go on.”
- “Oh?”
- “Then what happened?”

6

Stop thinking of what to say next.

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Thinking about your side of the conversation distracts you more. Rather than waiting for your turn to talk, shut out those thoughts until the person is done speaking. Listen completely to the other person until they don’t have anything else to say so you can fully reflect on how they feel about the topic.^{[8]XResearch source}
- Try not to get fixated on how you’ll respond to a minor thing the person says. Instead, listen to their entire side of the conversation so you can understand where they’re coming from.

7

Let them finish without interruption.

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Avoid cutting the other person off so you don’t seem rude. Even though you may want to point out something the person says in the moment, hold the thought until they explain everything. If they pause in the middle of a sentence, let them collect their thoughts and finish rather than interjecting. When it’s your turn in the conversation, consider everything they said before bringing up your points.^{[9]XResearch source}
- Try not to rush the other person. Let them go through the details they want to go over since it might be important to how they’re feeling.

8

Ask open-ended questions for clarification.

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Encourage the person to speak more so you can understand them better. Open-ended questions also show that you were listening to their points and are genuinely interested in understanding them. So, ask open-ended questions like:^{[10]XResearch source}
- “What did you mean by that?”
- “What are some of the other possibilities?”
- “How else could you explain this?”
- “What alternatives have you considered?”
- Be cautious using “why” questions since they might make the other person more defensive. For example, the question “Why would you think that?” could sound like you’re questioning how they feel.^{[11]XResearch source}
Expert Answer
Q
What is an example of a non-helpful response?
Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
EXPERT ADVICE
Answer from Paul Chernyak, LPC:
An example of a non-helpful response is going off topic when it's your turn to speak or thinking about what you plan to say next while neglecting what the other person is saying at the moment.

9

Restate their points in your own words.

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Repeat things that they’ve said to ensure you’re hearing them correctly. It’s okay if you don’t understand them completely since they’ll be able to correct you while you’re summarizing what they said.^{[12]XTrustworthy SourceCenters for Disease Control and PreventionMain public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human ServicesGo to source}
- For example, you could say, “Let me see if I’m clear about this. You’re upset because I didn’t wash the dishes this morning. Is that correct?”
- As another example, you could say, “So you’re feeling angry because I made plans this weekend without asking you. Am I understanding that right?”

10

Validate the other person’s feelings.

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Express empathy for them to show you really care. It takes a lot of courage to open up and talk through things, so let the person know you understand their emotions. Don’t get defensive or try to question them; instead, let them know that their feelings are valid and justified. It doesn’t matter if you fully agree with them, but it still makes the person feel like you care and shows that you listened to what they told you.^{[13]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good in ActionAn initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful lifeGo to source}
- For example, you could say, “I completely understand why that situation frustrated you.”
- As another example, you might tell them, “I sense that you’re upset, and that makes complete sense.”

11

Avoid giving advice.

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The other person might not be asking for a solution to their problem. Rather than trying to solve the issue the person is going through, just be there to listen and validate their experiences. You don’t need to tell them about a similar experience you’ve been through or offer any help if they aren’t looking for it. Before giving any advice, make sure you understand their perspective completely and ask them if they’re looking for helpful responses.^{[14]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good in ActionAn initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful lifeGo to source}
- For example, you could say, “I understand what you’re saying. Is there anything I can do to help, or do you just want to vent?”

12

Avoid being judgmental.

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Let the other person speak their mind so you hear their perspective. Even if you don’t fully agree with the person, don’t let your personal prejudices get in the way of what they’re saying. Rather than rudely putting the speaker down or asserting your opinions, keep an open mind and try to picture things from their point of view. Focus on their perspective of the topic and let them describe their thoughts.^{[15]XResearch source}
- Let go of any assumptions you have on the topic and approach the conversation with curiosity. That way, you can be exposed to new points of view you haven’t considered before.^{[16]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- Check the person’s body language for any underlying emotions they might be feeling. For example, if the person thought you promised to do chores around the house in the morning and you didn’t do them, they might feel a little upset.

Expert Q&A

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Question
What does it mean to actively listen?
Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 13 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009.
Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
Expert Answer
Active listening involves really focusing on the speaker and internalizing what they're saying. If you find yourself preparing a response before the other person has finished speaking, you aren't actively listening.
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Question
Which of the following are ways you can listen for clues?
Community Answer
All of these strategies help you "read between the lines" and get to the meat of what a person is really trying to say. Watch body language, listen to tone of voice, and paraphrase to help clarify what the other person is saying.
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What if a person isn't being very open with you, how would you get a conversation going?
Lala Montgomery (Student)
Community Answer
Try to ask them some small questions first and keep going from there. As you talk, discuss your interests -- they might have the same ones!
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Tips

It’s okay if there’s silence or pauses in the conversation. Take that time to really reflect on what the person said before responding.^{[17]XResearch source}
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Warnings

Avoid making jokes or sarcastic comments while the other person is speaking since it can be distracting and take away from their emotions.^{[18]XResearch source}
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If someone doesn’t want to share information when you’re trying to dig deeper, don’t force them to talk. They might feel uncomfortable about the topic or want to keep it private.
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Try your best not to get defensive about what someone says. If you disagree with them, try to consider things from their perspective.^{[19]XResearch source}
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