How to Have a Good Relationship with Your Girlfriend

While the idea of "love at first sight" dominates popular movies and media, building a long lasting and meaningful relationship usually takes more work than just seeing each other. Maintaining a healthy relationship over an extended period of time requires honest and open communication, compromise, and a willingness for both people to grow together. If you've struggled with maintaining a good relationship with your girlfriend in the past, you should evaluate how you look at relationships and take the proper steps to become a better boyfriend.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Communicating Effectively

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1
Have honest and open conversations.^{[1]XExpert SourceElvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 15 March 2019.} Talking to your girlfriend face-to-face is an excellent way to gain a better understanding of her. Sometimes you can't pick up on things like voice intonation or sarcasm through text message, and you can't look at her body language when you're talking to her over the phone. Set some time aside to speak with her openly and honestly about anything. It could be small-talk about how your day went, or it can be deeper and more meaningful conversations about what makes you both happy.
- You can start the conversation by saying something like, "Hey I wanted to talk to you about where we are going in the relationship. Do you have time right now?"
- Talking about things that you feel vulnerable about will encourage your girlfriend to do the same. This can bring you both closer together.^{[2]XResearch source} For example, you could talk about your first childhood memories, a favorite family traditions, worst fears, or lifelong dreams.
2
Practice active listening. Active listening engages both people deeper in a conversation and will make your girlfriend appreciate you more. To practice active listening, concentrate on what she is saying without interrupting. Do not judge her or criticize her if she tells you something embarrassing, because it could prevent her from telling you things in the future. Paraphrase things that she says and ask specific questions about what she is talking about. Try to give advice that helps her and is in her best interests if she seems like she wants it.^{[3]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good in ActionAn initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful lifeGo to source}
- To paraphrase, say something like "So what you're saying is that she was acting immature."
- Sometimes people just want someone to talk to and not to receive advice or judgment. Wait for her to ask you for your opinion before trying to help.
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3
Pay attention to the nonverbal communication you both share. Talking to someone is not the only form of communication that exists in a relationship. Nonverbal communication is also incredibly important. If you pay attention to your girlfriend's body language, you'll be able to determine how they feel at the moment. Crossed arms may mean they feel defensive or closed off and may mean that they aren't interested in what you have to say, or the subject matter is hard to talk about.
- Once you can evaluate your girlfriend's body language, you can notice when she's feeling uncomfortable or angry.
- If your girlfriend doesn't say anything, but she's exhibiting negative body language, ask her if something is wrong.
- Make sure that you aren't giving off any negative signals with the way your body is positioned.
4
Don't get personal when you get angry.^{[4]XExpert SourceElvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 15 March 2019.} There's a tendency for some people to bring up negative times from the past or to intentionally hurt their girlfriend's feelings during an argument. Stay on track when you're communicating with your girlfriend and avoid being critical of things that have already happened. Do not intentionally hurt their feelings because it can create a negative atmosphere for the relationship and it can become emotionally abusive.
- Work on deescalating conflict within your relationship before it gets out of hand or jumps to a different, unrelated issue.
5
Don't yell or scream when you have fights. Managing your anger during a disagreement or argument is an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship. Avoid escalating confrontations and avoid yelling at her. When people are aggressive, they tend to get defensive responses from their significant others. If your girlfriend is the one yelling or screaming, do not match her energy. Keep your voice civil and try to bring the conversation down. Escalating the anger during a disagreement could make a conversation spiral out of control and can damage the relationship over the long run.
- When someone shouts or screams at you, your limbic system is engaged and will affect your amygdala which houses emotional responses in your brain.^{[5]XResearch source}
- When you notice yourself beginning to get angry, take a break from the conversation and walk away.
- You can say something like "I'm super angry right now, and I just need to get some fresh air. I'm going to take a walk and then we can talk about this when I get home."
6
Follow other fair fighting rules. Sometimes a fight is unavoidable. When this happens, then best thing to do is to engage in the argument in a civil manner. Along with not yelling or screaming at each other, some things to avoid to ensure a fair fight include:^{[6]XResearch source}
- Degrading language or name calling.
- Casting blame.
- Using physical force.
- Threatening divorce.
- Making assumptions or judgments about your spouse.
- Bringing up past issues or piling on lots of complaints at once.
- Interrupting your partner or talking over them.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Building Love

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1
Do kind things for her. There's a difference between going outside of your means to provide gifts because you think that's what is expected, and doing kind things because you want to make your girlfriend happy. Doing nice things for your girlfriend doesn't always entail buying things either. It could be something as simple as taking out the trash for her, cleaning the dishes, or picking a flower on the side of the street to bring home for her. Keep her in mind as you go about your day and think of ways to make her have a happier and easier day.
- If you have limited money, don't make purchases for her and stress yourself out. Instead, think of free ways that you can show your appreciation.
- Some things you can do include, buying her flowers, cleaning her house, getting her tickets to a show she wanted to see, or sending her a nice text message.
2
Compliment her.^{[7]XExpert SourceElvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 15 March 2019.} While you don't need to constantly shower her with compliments, giving her at least one a day can make her feel better throughout the day. Make sure that the compliment is genuine and that you really mean it. Take time to notice different things like the outfit she picked out, the way she does her makeup or an accessory that she's picked out. Compliments also don't have to be purely physical. You can also compliment her on progress at her job, getting good grades at school, or if you've noticed personal growth.
- You can say something like, "I really like the way you did your hair today."
- To compliment her growth you can say something like, "I noticed that physics doesn't seem hard for you anymore. It's really awesome you've been able to improve this much."
3
Work as a team. It's okay to want to win. However, relationships are more about working with one another on a team rather than competing against one another. Think of your success as joint success and use it to motivate one another to reach your true potential. Instead of thinking of how you will personally benefit, think about how it will affect both of your lives as a whole.^{[8]XResearch source}
- While self-preservation and advancement are important to many people, realize that you're uncaring and unkind when you do things that will hurt the other person and benefit yourself.
- Motivate your girlfriend to do great things. Do not try to stifle her or prevent her from achieving her goals.
- Working as a team takes two people. If your girlfriend is unable to care about your dreams and aspirations, it may be time to find a new girlfriend.
4
Love and care for yourself. Before you can be in a strong and meaningful relationship with your girlfriend, you need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Get enough sleep, eat correctly, and take time for yourself. If you find yourself feeling resentful, overextended, or defensive, there's a good chance that you aren't taking care of yourself as much as you should.^{[9]XExpert SourceElvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 15 March 2019.} Take a step back and don't be afraid to say no to your girlfriend. If she truly cares about you, then she will understand that you are overwhelmed and need time to take care of yourself.
- If you routinely take care of other people's needs above your own, you may be exhibiting codependent behavior.^{[10]XResearch source}
- You can say something like, "I really like you and think you're wonderful, but I need time to get my business straight. It's been a while since I've taken time out for myself so I just need to get some things done for myself right now."
5
Gain her trust by being honest. Do not agree to things that you know won't happen or don't have a good likelihood of happening. Broken promises can severely hurt a relationship. More severe actions like being unfaithful can end a relationship, while other things like white lies could severely strain one. To avoid this, be honest and upfront, even if you think it will make you look bad.^{[11]XResearch source}
- For instance, if you are going to be late, give her a call and let her know what is holding you up.
- If you did something you aren't proud of or feel a certain way, it's best to let your girlfriend know sooner rather than later.
- If she doesn't trust you for previous actions, make a concerted effort to show her that it was a mistake and that you've changed.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Solidifying Your Relationship

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1
Be willing to compromise. Being hard headed and stuck in your ways can jeopardize the happiness in a relationship. Instead of sticking to your guns, be willing to hear the other person out. Think of what they are asking you to do and whether it will have a negative or positive influence on your life. Many times our partners just want what's best for us, so getting mad at them for wanting something to change for the better is not the right way to feel.^{[12]XResearch source}
- There are certain things that you shouldn't compromise on, like your physical or emotional needs.^{[13]XResearch source}
- Do not compromise your moral values for your girlfriend or you may end up resenting her.
- Work on compromise as a team so that you both can be happy.
2
Be the emotional support that she needs. When a situation is difficult, it's likely that your girlfriend is going to need more emotional support than she normally does. When she does need help or support, make sure that you are the person that's there for her. Instead of getting angry at her and making her feel even worse, make sure that you're supportive and understanding. Make sure that you offer to listen to her, and do not judge her. Try to make her feel better throughout the day by doing kind things.^{[14]XResearch source}
- If your girlfriend has done something that you don't approve of, instead of berating or criticizing her, try to understand why she did it in the first place.
- Supporting her does not mean enabling her to do self-destructive behavior.
3
Acknowledge and talk about the tough times.^{[15]XExpert SourceElvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 15 March 2019.} The first step in getting through the tough times is acknowledging that they exist. Do not ignore or minimize serious issues in your relationship if they are there. Sit down and have a hard conversation with your girlfriend about how things have been and your willingness to work on them.
- You may not like to talk about emotions, but it's important that you do for the good of the relationship.
- You can say something like, "I've noticed that ever since your Granny died that you've been pretty depressed. I'll always be here to talk, just let me know if you want to."
- If you've been open, honest, and nonjudgmental, there's a good likelihood that you'll be the first person that your girlfriend will turn to when things get tough.
- Even if you think something is insignificant, remember to try to understand your girlfriend's perspective.
4
See a relationship counselor if your relationship needs help. If your relationship has reached the point where you both can't get along, it may be time to seek professional assistance. Relationship counselors will be able to look at your relationship objectively and give you the tools and techniques that are required to rebuild it. Search online for psychologists or therapists that specialize in relationships and give them a call to make an appointment.^{[16]XResearch source}
- If you think the relationship is worth saving, you may need to go to counseling to break down emotional and social barriers.
- Before you see a counselor, try being a nicer, more loving and open partner.

Become a Better Lover with this Expert Series

Ready to become the best lover you can be? We've put together this expert series to help you spice things up in the bedroom and foster romance in your relationship.

1

Become a Better Lover

2

Spice Things Up in the Bedroom

3

Make Love Last

4

11 Ways to Make a Woman Feel Loved and Secure

5

Be a Better Boyfriend

6

Become a Romantic Man

Expert Q&A

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Question
How can I show my girlfriend that I love her?
Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.
Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
Make sure you keep open and honest conversations with her so you build your relationship on trust. Spend time together trying new activities so you can grow together.
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The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of How.com.vn readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on How.com.vn, please submit it in the field below.

Resist the urge to argue or challenge everything she says. If you shoot her down every time she suggests something or has an idea, she will shut down and stop feeling safe with you.
Listen to what she is saying. Even if you don't agree, it's important to hear her out.

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