This article was co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 1,767,551 times.
Worrying that your husband is being unfaithful feels awful, and sometimes you just need to know the truth once and for all. If you're tired of wondering and ready to take action, this article is for you. Keep reading for common signs of infidelity to look for, plus steps you can take to find out whether or not your husband is being faithful.
Constant excuses. If you and your husband spent most of your free time together, and he's suddenly never around for suspicious reasons, then he may be spending his time with another lady. If he's always having a "guy's night," spending every night late at work, or has suddenly found a passion for a new sport and is spending all of his free time at the gym, then he may be using these excuses to get away with his mistress.[1]XResearch source
Of course, he could genuinely have picked up a love for a new sport, or he may really have to stay late at work every night, but if he's never done either of these things before and has shown several other suspicious signs, then it may mean that he's cheating.
2
Changes in how he speaks to you. Several things that your man can say may indicate that he is cheating on you. Here are some things to look out for:
If he used to compliment you all the time, but never compliments you anymore, it may be because he is thinking of someone else.
If he wasn't much of a sweet talker before, but is always suddenly complementing you, he may be doing it to compensate for being with someone else.
If he just sounds different, using words you've never heard before, laughing in a new way, or just phrasing his words differently, he may have picked this up from another lady.
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3
Changes in his sex drive. There are two changes to look for here. The more obvious one is that if your man is seeing someone else, he may not be excited about sex anymore. If your sex life has been dwindling for a while, then not having much sex doesn’t mean your man is cheating, but if he used to be excited about getting into bed with you and isn’t anymore, it may be a sign that he’s getting it elsewhere.[2]XResearch source
Another change you may notice is that suddenly your man has an insatiable sexual appetite. This may mean that his sex drive has become more intense because he’s sleeping with another lady.
See what he’s like in bed. Is he suddenly much more adventurous than before? Has he always stuck to the same routine and is he now trying to spice things up every time you get into bed? He may be getting his moves from another woman.
You should also see if he’s suddenly shy with his body around you and doesn’t want you to see him with his shirt off. If he only wants to have sex in the dark, then it may be because he does not feel right about sharing his body with two women.
4
Changes in his behavior towards. He may be much nicer to you because he feels guilty for being unfaithful. If he’s been distant or uncommunicative, or if he just isn’t a very demonstrative person, but he’s suddenly being very kind and sweet, and always telling you nice things, then it may be because he’s trying to compensate for seeing someone on the side.
But then again, he could just be being nicer because you are going through a rough patch and he is trying to make it up to you.
If he suddenly brings you flowers, chocolate, and sweet cards, he could just be trying to be bringing back that loving feeling. Alternatively, he may be compensating for cheating.
5
Changes in his helpfulness around the house. If your husband is not normally too handy around the house, but now he’s doing the dishes, doing the grocery shopping, or even doing the cooking, then something may be up. He’s certainly trying to compensate for something, and it may be cheating.
But again, maybe he’s just trying to be nice suddenly, or wants something else from you as a result. Still, when he completely changes his household habits, you should be on the alert.
6
Changes to his mood. If your man is usually moody and is suddenly walking on sunshine, or if he’s normally stable and now goes through erratic ups and downs, then something may be up. If he’s grinning ear to ear and looking off into the distance like he’s thinking of someone else, then his good mood may have nothing to do with you.
Also, look out if he storms home and looks upset, and then tries to blame it on work or something that never made him upset before.
If you see his mood change after he takes a “quick phone call” or reads a text, then another woman may be the reason.
7
Guarding his phone. If he used to leave his phone out on the table for hours, or if he was the type of man who would leave the house and forget his phone all the time, but suddenly he and his phone are inseparable, then something may be up. If he never leaves his phone out anymore, panics when he can’t find his phone, and doesn’t check his texts around you or just acts every shady around his phone, then you may have reason to worry.
If he suddenly put a password on his phone but never cared for privacy before, then something may be up.
If he steps out to take a phone call and comes back looking either upset, excited, or apologetic, you may start to wonder who’s on the other line.
If you walk in when he’s on the phone and he abruptly ends the conversation, then he may be talking to another woman.
If he used to be diligent about answering his phone, and now you can go hours without getting in touch with him, then he may be spending that time with another woman.
If he shuts off his phone for hours and he never used to do that, it is not a good sign.
8
More time spent online. If he stays up late on the computer after you’ve gone to bed suddenly, or if he abruptly shuts his computer when you walk in, it’s a bad sign.[3]XResearch source
If you see him on the computer, and his face suddenly lights up, as if he’s talking to a crush, then it may mean he's cheating.
If he does not go on the computer when you are in the room, then he may not want you to see what is on the screen.
Look for a change in your man’s grooming habits. If your man was never an obsessive shaver or hair-cutter and now he’s always shaving his face, maintaining his hair, and checking himself out in the mirror, then he may be getting ready for another woman.
You should also check to see if he’s starting to shower more often, especially if he does it right when he comes home. This may be because he wants to wash another lady’s scent off of him as soon as possible.
2
See if he’s paying more attention to his body. If your man never cared much about his physique before, but he’s suddenly going to the gym every day, running, or lifting weights in the basement, this may mean that he’s trying to get his body in shape for another lady.[4]XResearch source
Of course, you should consider other factors: maybe he is having a mid-life crisis and wants to look good again, or maybe he just became motivated to care more about his body.
You should also look out to see if he is suddenly obsessed with his diet. This could also indicate that he is paying a lot of attention to his body for another woman.
3
See if he smells different. This is a big red flag. If your man smells different suddenly, it may be because his body chemistry has changed from being with another woman. And if he just smells like perfume, girly lotion, or anything else feminine, then this definitely says that he’s been spending time with another woman.[5]XResearch source
4
Notice his body language. Your husband's body language can also say a lot about whether he is cheating on you. Even if he says the right things, his body could betray him. Here are some signs that something has changed for him:
Note the amount of eye contact he gives you. If he used to always look into your eyes when you spoke but now always looks away, he may be doing it out of guilt.
Note a lack of affection. If he used to kiss you, hug you, put his arm around you, and let you know how much he cared through his touches but never touches you any more, then something may be up.
See if he turns away from you when you are talking. If he crosses his arms, turns away from you, and does not face you with his body, then he may be retreating because he is uncomfortable.
Notice if he shows you affection when you are alone, but not when you go out. If he is all over you when you are home but he is distant the second you step out the door, it may be because he is afraid his mistress will catch him with another woman.
Look through his things. Though looking through your husband's things is a quick way to break his trust, if you are sure he is cheating and want concrete evidence, you can try this maneuver. If you really want to know if he's cheating, here are some places to look:
His phone. If he's savvy, you won't be able to find evidence of him cheating on your phone. But if he's not, you can look for an exchange with a woman you've never heard of. He may even not have plugged his mistress' number in his phone -- look for texts and calls to unidentified numbers.
Search his computer. If you really want to know if he is cheating, check out his email or Facebook messages. You can wait for him to step away from his computer when he is logged into email. If he also has started meticulously deleting his emails, that can be a sign that he is hiding something from you.
Search through his stuff. Go through his suitcase, desk, wallet, or even the pockets of his pants for clues.
Check his bank statements. Look out for any time he has spent large sums of money at a restaurant you have never heard of. Check out the dates and think about where he said he was; if he said he was working late one night but spent a lot of money on a fancy dinner right then, which is a reason to worry.
Spot subtle red flags early."My husband fit so many signs here, from increased grooming to mood shifts after "work calls." Identifying clues like that let me address issues openly before his emotional affair went further. We're now rebuilding trust in counseling." - Alese H.
Uncover digital deception."I had suspicions when my spouse began guarding his devices. Tips on checking his search history showed flirty messages he denied sending. Though painful, concrete proof was what I needed to confront him honestly and start the healing process." - Sandra K.
Validate inner doubt with facts."When my husband called me "crazy" for questioning his fidelity, I started to doubt myself, even though deep down, I knew something was wrong. Learning tangible signs here, like less eye contact, validated what I felt internally, giving me the courage to face the truth." - Nancy B.
Care for the family despite hardship."As a teen who found texts confirming my dad's affair, I struggled with protecting my younger siblings from the fallout. Grounding advice reminded me we still need a Dad in our lives. By confronting the issue with care, I aim to heal our family." - Sarah T.
Have a story our readers should hear? Share it with 1 billion+ annual How.com.vn users. Tell us your story here.
2
Follow him. If you are afraid to ask if he is cheating or have not found enough evidence, you can try following him to see where he really goes. Again, this is another way to lose his trust very quickly. Here are some ways to pull this off:
Don't follow him in your own car. Borrow a friend's car so he does not notice that you are behind him.
Keep a safe distance. Whether you are on foot or in a vehicle, don't get too close, or he'll spot you.
Check in on him when he is not expecting it. If he says he's working overtime or watching the game at a friend's house, "drop in" unexpectedly and see if he's really there. Just make sure you have a good excuse for why you just showed up.
3
Ask if he is cheating. After you have seen enough signs that he is not being faithful, it will be time to talk to your husband about it. Though the conversation will be painful, it's better not to delay it if you really want to have the truth. Here's how you can find a way to ask your husband if he's being unfaithful:
Ask him when he's not expecting it. As long as you are in a private place, you can have the conversation. Don't tell him you want to have a big talk, or he may know exactly what you have in mind and will already be prepared to make excuses.
Tell him that you want the truth. Remind him that he is not doing you any favors by being dishonest.
Show him that he is really hurting you. Let him see how upset the idea of him being unfaithful makes you.
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How can I catch my husband if he was found on Match.com?
Community Answer
Well, if you've caught him on Match.com, you already know that he's trying to cheat. I think that's all the proof you need.
Question
I've caught my husband cheating several times and he trivializes. I try to forgive because of my children, and he just tells me to "do your worst". What can I do?
Community Answer
He is using your forgiving and understanding nature to do whatever he pleases. Also, he may be hoping that you will indeed "do your worst" and leave him, so he can feel good about going to be with the other woman. If he has continually cheated, he is not likely to change. If you don't want to be married to a cheater, you should make plans to separate.
Question
After promising to stop, my husband continues to cheat on me. What should I do?
Community Answer
Leave him. You can do better with someone who will respect, love, and care about your feelings and well-being.
This article was co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling. This article has been viewed 1,767,551 times.
To find out if your husband is cheating, keep an eye on his phone in case he gets a suspicious message from someone you've never heard of. You can also check his Facebook if he leaves it logged in on a computer. If you're sure he's cheating and want evidence, consider following him in a friend's car to see where he's going. Alternatively, check in on him when he's working late or watching the game at a friend's house to catch him lying to you. When you've spotted signs that convince you he's cheating, ask him if he's been cheating on you to see how he reacts. For more tips, including how to work out if your husband's cheating from his habits, read on!
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 1,767,551 times.
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Feb 2, 2019
"When my husband called me "crazy" for questioning his fidelity, I started to doubt myself, even though deep down, I knew something was wrong. Learning tangible signs here, like less eye contact, validated what I felt internally, giving me the courage to face the truth."..." more
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Nancy B.
Feb 2, 2019
"When my husband called me "crazy" for questioning his fidelity, I started to doubt myself, even though deep down, I knew something was wrong. Learning tangible signs here, like less eye contact, validated what I felt internally, giving me the courage to face the truth."..." more
Sarah T.
Apr 29, 2021
"As a teen who found texts confirming my dad's affair, I struggled with protecting my younger siblings from the fallout. Grounding advice reminded me we still need a Dad in our lives. By confronting the issue with care, I aim to heal our family."..." more
Sandra K.
Apr 9, 2018
"I had suspicions when my spouse began guarding his devices. Tips on checking his search history showed flirty messages he denied sending. Though painful, concrete proof was what I needed to confront him honestly and start the healing process."..." more
Alese H.
Apr 12, 2017
"My husband fit so many signs here, from increased grooming to mood shifts after "work calls." Identifying clues like that let me address issues openly before his emotional affair went further. We're now rebuilding trust in counseling."..." more
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Apr 14, 2017
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Constant excuses. If you and your husband spent most of your free time together, and he's suddenly never around for suspicious reasons, then he may be spending his time with another lady. If he's always having a "guy's night," spending every night late at work, or has suddenly found a passion for a new sport and is spending all of his free time at the gym, then he may be using these excuses to get away with his mistress.[1]
Changes in how he speaks to you. Several things that your man can say may indicate that he is cheating on you. Here are some things to look out for:
Changes in his sex drive. There are two changes to look for here. The more obvious one is that if your man is seeing someone else, he may not be excited about sex anymore. If your sex life has been dwindling for a while, then not having much sex doesn’t mean your man is cheating, but if he used to be excited about getting into bed with you and isn’t anymore, it may be a sign that he’s getting it elsewhere.[2]
Changes in his behavior towards. He may be much nicer to you because he feels guilty for being unfaithful. If he’s been distant or uncommunicative, or if he just isn’t a very demonstrative person, but he’s suddenly being very kind and sweet, and always telling you nice things, then it may be because he’s trying to compensate for seeing someone on the side.
Changes in his helpfulness around the house. If your husband is not normally too handy around the house, but now he’s doing the dishes, doing the grocery shopping, or even doing the cooking, then something may be up. He’s certainly trying to compensate for something, and it may be cheating.
Changes to his mood. If your man is usually moody and is suddenly walking on sunshine, or if he’s normally stable and now goes through erratic ups and downs, then something may be up. If he’s grinning ear to ear and looking off into the distance like he’s thinking of someone else, then his good mood may have nothing to do with you.
Guarding his phone. If he used to leave his phone out on the table for hours, or if he was the type of man who would leave the house and forget his phone all the time, but suddenly he and his phone are inseparable, then something may be up. If he never leaves his phone out anymore, panics when he can’t find his phone, and doesn’t check his texts around you or just acts every shady around his phone, then you may have reason to worry.
More time spent online. If he stays up late on the computer after you’ve gone to bed suddenly, or if he abruptly shuts his computer when you walk in, it’s a bad sign.[3]
Look for a change in your man’s grooming habits. If your man was never an obsessive shaver or hair-cutter and now he’s always shaving his face, maintaining his hair, and checking himself out in the mirror, then he may be getting ready for another woman.
See if he’s paying more attention to his body. If your man never cared much about his physique before, but he’s suddenly going to the gym every day, running, or lifting weights in the basement, this may mean that he’s trying to get his body in shape for another lady.[4]
See if he smells different. This is a big red flag. If your man smells different suddenly, it may be because his body chemistry has changed from being with another woman. And if he just smells like perfume, girly lotion, or anything else feminine, then this definitely says that he’s been spending time with another woman.[5]
Notice his body language. Your husband's body language can also say a lot about whether he is cheating on you. Even if he says the right things, his body could betray him. Here are some signs that something has changed for him:
Look through his things. Though looking through your husband's things is a quick way to break his trust, if you are sure he is cheating and want concrete evidence, you can try this maneuver. If you really want to know if he's cheating, here are some places to look:
Spot subtle red flags early. "My husband fit so many signs here, from increased grooming to mood shifts after "work calls." Identifying clues like that let me address issues openly before his emotional affair went further. We're now rebuilding trust in counseling." - Alese H.
Uncover digital deception. "I had suspicions when my spouse began guarding his devices. Tips on checking his search history showed flirty messages he denied sending. Though painful, concrete proof was what I needed to confront him honestly and start the healing process." - Sandra K.
Validate inner doubt with facts. "When my husband called me "crazy" for questioning his fidelity, I started to doubt myself, even though deep down, I knew something was wrong. Learning tangible signs here, like less eye contact, validated what I felt internally, giving me the courage to face the truth." - Nancy B.
Care for the family despite hardship. "As a teen who found texts confirming my dad's affair, I struggled with protecting my younger siblings from the fallout. Grounding advice reminded me we still need a Dad in our lives. By confronting the issue with care, I aim to heal our family." - Sarah T.
Have a story our readers should hear? Share it with 1 billion+ annual How.com.vn users. Tell us your story here.
Follow him. If you are afraid to ask if he is cheating or have not found enough evidence, you can try following him to see where he really goes. Again, this is another way to lose his trust very quickly. Here are some ways to pull this off:
Ask if he is cheating. After you have seen enough signs that he is not being faithful, it will be time to talk to your husband about it. Though the conversation will be painful, it's better not to delay it if you really want to have the truth. Here's how you can find a way to ask your husband if he's being unfaithful:
Community AnswerWell, if you've caught him on Match.com, you already know that he's trying to cheat. I think that's all the proof you need.
Community AnswerHe is using your forgiving and understanding nature to do whatever he pleases. Also, he may be hoping that you will indeed "do your worst" and leave him, so he can feel good about going to be with the other woman. If he has continually cheated, he is not likely to change. If you don't want to be married to a cheater, you should make plans to separate.
"When my husband called me "crazy" for questioning his fidelity, I started to doubt myself, even though deep down, I knew something was wrong. Learning tangible signs here, like less eye contact, validated what I felt internally, giving me the courage to face the truth."..." more
