Download ArticleUse these tactics to uncover the truth about your marriage
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This article was written by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and by How.com.vn staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
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You've noticed your spouse is acting different lately and something feels off between you. As painful as it is, you've started to suspect they might be cheating on you. If you believe your spouse is cheating, the best thing you can do is confront them about it directly.[1] But if you'd like to have a little evidence first, read on to find out how to legally spy on your spouse.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed psychotherapist, Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Look for chats, photos, or other files on your spouse's phone or computer. The browser history and previous GPS destinations can help too.
- Make an unannounced visit to your spouse at work if you suspect they're cheating on you with someone they work with.
- Talk to your spouse about your suspicions and any evidence you find. Lean on your friends and family for support as you plan your next steps.
Steps
Check your spouse's phone for clues. If you can get your hands on your spouse's phone, you can poke around in their text apps and messages to see who they're talking to. But keep in mind that if they are cheating, they probably won't leave the evidence right out in the open. You still might be able to find something that at least points you in one direction and gives you more of an idea of where to look next.[2]- For example, if you see that your spouse is making a lot of calls to a phone number that isn't listed in their contacts, that could be someone they're trying to keep secret. Copy the phone number so you can do a reverse lookup and see whose number it is.
- As tempting as it can be, don't install trackers or spyware on your spouse's phone. Since it's their personal property, it's illegal for you to track activity on it without their consent—even if you're technically paying for the phone.
- If your spouse is cheating on you, it's probably going to be next to impossible to even get their phone. They're likely going to keep it on them at all times—they might even take it with them to the bathroom.[3]
Analyze your spouse's social media activity. Changes in social media activity might indicate that they're using social media to hide something. This might include frequently logging out of their account, opening a new account, suddenly using a different email address, or changing their passwords.[4]- For example, if they suddenly log out of their account the second you walk in the room, they might be having a conversation they don't want you to know about.
- If they suddenly have new profile pictures, that could indicate something's going on as well—especially if they've switched from a family photo to a photo of them alone.
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Pull up your spouse's browser history and saved passwords. If you have a shared computer at home, it's highly unlikely you'll find anything there—but check the browser history and saved passwords for clues to your spouse's online activity. Look at the domains with saved passwords and see if any of them are suspicious. You might also note passwords saved on social media sites under multiple email addresses or user names.[5]- Open your browser and type a single letter into the search bar and see what comes up. Browsers suggest sites you've frequently visited. For example, you might type in "a" and see if "ashley madison" (a notorious cheating platform) appears as a suggestion.
Check previous destinations in your spouse's GPS app. When someone is trying to hide an affair, they often meet the person in a remote or isolated place far away from anywhere they usually frequent. If your spouse's GPS shows that they've been frequently traveling to an unusual or out-of-the-way spot, that could be an indication that they're trying to hide an affair.[6]- Most people don't think to clear their GPS history, so this can be a great way to figure out where your spouse has been.
- Write down the addresses so you can look them up and see what's located there. Then, you can ask your spouse about it.
- If you bring this up, keep it innocent. For example, if it's a restaurant, you might say, "Have you ever been to Luigi's Italian Deli? I've heard good things about it." Then, see what they say and go from there.
Go through files on your cloud service. If you have a shared cloud service, your spouse might be keeping files related to their affair on the cloud. You'll likely need to comb through layers of folders to find what you're looking for. Pay attention to folders with seemingly random or vague titles, such as "junk," "misc.," or even "untitled."[7]- If a folder is password-protected, that's a pretty good sign that it contains something your spouse doesn't want you to see.
- Ask your spouse about any password-protected folders. For example, you might say, "I was looking for last year's tax returns on the cloud and found this password-protected folder. What's that for?"
Open the computer's trash folder. Most people don't empty the trash every time they dump a file there, so you might be able to use this habit to your advantage. If your spouse had photos or other files related to their affair that they deleted, they'll show up in the trash folder until they're permanently deleted.[8]- If you do find something there, it's fairly easy to play this off as something you innocently stumbled upon: "I accidentally deleted a letter I was writing, and when I was pulling it out of the trash folder I found this."
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Make a surprise visit to your spouse at work. Cheating spouses frequently hide affairs by claiming they have to work late or that they have a looming deadline on a big project. But in reality, they might not even be at work at all.[9]- This gives you an opportunity to play the kind, caring spouse. For example, if your spouse says they're working late, you might bring a home-cooked dinner to their office to surprise them.
- If they work near a place you visit often, such as the gym, you might stop by randomly and just say that you happened to be in the neighborhood and thought you'd say hi.
Place a GPS tracker in your spouse's car. These little devices can be hidden from view and will track the vehicle so you'll always know where your spouse is driving. Be careful, though—only do this if your name is also on the title of the vehicle.[10]- If your name is on the title, you also own the vehicle and have a right to track it. But if the vehicle is solely in your spouse's name, tracking it is likely illegal.
Analyze phone bills and bank statements. This literal paper trail can help you uncover clues about your spouse's infidelity. Request paper bills and statements, then go through them line by line. Highlight anything that's unfamiliar to you. Keep in mind that a spouse trying to hide an affair will likely take measures to keep evidence out of joint accounts.[11]- For example, your spouse might open a new credit card in their name only or buy a prepaid mobile phone. Frequent cash withdrawals could also be suspicious.
- Cross-reference the suspicious charges with the dates and times that your spouse was mysteriously or unusually absent. That can help you uncover a pattern.
- For example, you might notice a charge to a local restaurant that's too high to be a single diner, charged on a day your spouse claimed they were working late.
- Be careful opening statements that aren't addressed to you—that's illegal. If your name isn't on the bill, you technically can't open it. But if your spouse just leaves it out on a table in plain sight, it's fair game.
Go through the dirty laundry. Your spouse's laundry can provide a lot of clues if you're trying to catch them cheating. Clothing that smells like strange cologne or perfume is a good indicator, as are any questionable stains or makeup smears.[12]- Did your spouse recently buy new underwear without saying anything to you about it? That could be a sign that they're cheating as well.
Chat up your spouse's friends. Cheaters often use their friends as excuses. If your spouse seems to be going out with their friends a lot more than they used to, text a friend and ask about it. You don't have to mention that you suspect your spouse is cheating—just ask how their evening was.[13]- For example, you might say, "That was a long poker game last night—who won?" If your spouse wasn't playing poker as they said and the friend isn't in the loop, they might reveal at least a piece of the truth.
- Be careful hitting up your spouse's friends randomly. If you never talk to them, they'll be suspicious if you start texting them out of the blue. It helps to have a cover reason, such as planning a surprise party for your spouse.
Hire a private investigator. If you still haven't found any clues but you're convinced your spouse is cheating on you, a private investigator can get to the bottom of the situation for you. Even better, they're licensed and follow local laws so you can keep your own nose clean.[14]- Most private investigators are hired by businesses or attorneys. If you've gotten to the point where you're ready to hire a private investigator, consider hiring an attorney as well.
- Some private investigators do take on personal matters for private individuals, but they tend to be fairly selective. It might take some digging to find someone reputable who's willing to take your case.
- Check into the background of any investigator you hire and ask for references. Make sure anyone you hire has a good reputation and experience with cases like yours.
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Create a fake profile on social media. Choose the platform your spouse is most active on—that means you'll have the best chance of interacting with them. Include enough details to make your fake profile believable, with photos you think your spouse will find attractive. Make sure you open the account using a new email address that your spouse doesn't know about.[15]- It's never a good idea to steal someone else's photos. If possible, enlist the help of a friend your spouse doesn't know.
- If you have to, opt for no face shots. When you interact with your spouse under your fake profile, you can tell them that you're married and have to be discreet (which isn't even a lie).
Follow your spouse's profile with your fake profile. When your profile's set up and seems authentic enough, it's time to follow your spouse. Don't worry about sending a message at this stage—just get yourself on their radar.[16]- You have to be patient in the beginning and establish your profile, otherwise, your spouse will likely assume it's a fake and ignore it or even block it.
- To make it even more believable, you might also follow a few of your spouse's friends that they don't interact with a lot, like old school buddies. Your spouse might infer that you're just someone from back then who they don't remember.
Interact with your spouse frequently and flirtatiously. Start commenting on your spouse's posts and photos. Don't be too over-the-top—you don't want to draw the attention of anyone else. A few well-placed compliments should do the trick. Make sure you "like" everything they post, no matter how mundane. Then, check to see if they're liking your (fake profile) posts as well.[17]- This stage could last a few weeks, depending on how active your spouse is on social media. You don't want to push the envelope too quickly. You want them to be interested in you.
- Keep in mind that this isn't likely to work if your spouse is involved in an affair with someone they know. They might not take the bait if they're not pursuing random encounters.
Start a private text conversation using the fake profile. If they're not responding to your comments to the extent you'd like, you might get them talking if you slip into their DMs. Be careful not to do this when you're both in the same house together, though—you don't want them to catch you![18]- You might want to enlist a friend to help you out with the chatting, especially if you're at home together a lot. That way, your fake profile can be available more often.
- Watch your spouse for changes in their behavior that indicate they're trying to keep this fake profile a secret, such as keeping their phone close to them or logging out of their social media as soon as you enter the room.[19]
Confront your spouse about their interactions with the fake profile. When you think you have enough evidence, it's time to have a sit-down talk with your spouse about what's been going on. Start by telling them that you know they've been unfaithful, then mention the profile you constructed.[20]- Be prepared for them to be angry at you for setting them up. While it's certainly not illegal, it's not the most ethical way to catch someone cheating and they have the right to feel upset about it.
- They already know about the conversations they had with the fake profile, so you don't have to go into detail about that. But you might mention the suspicions that led you to create it in the first place.
- Present any evidence or other signs you noticed before you set up the profile to show that you had reason to believe they were cheating before you set up the profile to catch them.
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Talk to your spouse. Regardless of what you find, have a serious, sit-down conversation with your spouse. Level with them about your suspicions and be honest about the steps you took to try to catch them cheating. If you found any evidence, present it to them and give them a chance to explain their side of the story.[21]- Cheating doesn't always signify the end of a relationship. If you both can get honest and talk about what was missing in your relationship and what you want to change, it can also become a new beginning.
- Don't expect, though, that you will immediately be able to trust your spouse again. Building trust back takes time, so be patient.
Go to therapy individually and as a couple. If you didn't find any evidence of cheating and your spouse swears they're being faithful, it's still a good idea to go to therapy. Your suspicions indicate you have some serious trust issues that a professional can help you with. On the other hand, if your spouse was cheating, individual and couple's therapy can help the two of you find a way forward (whether that's together or separately).[22]- A good couple's counselor can help you work through the trauma of the situation and even re-establish trust.
- If your spouse did cheat, there's a lot of hurt and anger. A couple's counselor provides a safe space for you to work through those emotions.[23]
Consult an attorney if you're considering a divorce. If you're thinking about ending your marriage, get legal advice as soon as possible. Your attorney can help you navigate the separation so that you don't do anything that could potentially be used against you during divorce proceedings.[24]- Using unethical or illegal means to spy on your spouse—even if it turns out they actually were cheating—isn't a good look for you in front of a family court judge.
- If you were spying on or tracking your spouse, they could use that as grounds to get a restraining order against you. Be honest with your attorney about anything you did and they'll help you as much as they can.
Practice self-care to help the healing process. Cheating—even the suspicion of it—can take a real toll on your self-esteem. Build that back up by doing "esteemable" acts. Volunteer for a cause you're passionate about, join a community sports league, or start a new hobby. Something to reinvigorate your passion and love of life.[25]- Be kind and cultivate compassion toward yourself. If you've been cheated on, it's normal to feel as though you're unlovable—but that simply isn't true! Allow yourself time to grieve and take care of yourself physically and mentally. Remind yourself that you're worthy of love and respect.[26]
- Connect (or reconnect) with your friends and family. Build an environment around yourself that's full of support and love and conducive to your general well-being.[27]
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Expert Q&A
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- QuestionHow do you confront a cheating partner?
Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RDDr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness ExpertLicensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness ExpertExpert AnswerFinding out your partner has cheated can be a devastating and traumatizing experience that can leave you feeling betrayed, angry, and damaged. Here are a few tips on how to approach your partner. Ask them to explain themselves and why they betrayed your trust. Take a moment not to respond so your partner has a chance to explain their actions. Truly listen and do everything you can to stay calm. Express your feelings by stating directly how and why you feel hurt. Decide if trust can be rebuilt or to end the relationship. If you feel strongly that the trust is broken forever, sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away. - QuestionWhat should I do if my spouse is sleeping with people in my bedroom while I am at work?
Community AnswerI would divorce your spouse if they're regularly cheating on you. A one-time event could possibly be forgiven depending on the circumstances, but a regular pattern of behavior indicates a complete lack of respect and care for you. That's not the kind of person you should stay married to. - QuestionWhy is my boyfriend's phone always on silent?
Community AnswerThis does not always indicate cheating, as many people put their phone off for work, church, etc. Typically, you want to look for the change in behaviour. So if the phone is suddenly always on silent, that is something to look at more closely. Look for telltale signs such as placing the phone face down when not in use, or taking it with them when they leave a common area rather than leaving it out. Overall, look for changes in phone behaviour and increased vigilance in securing their phone.
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Tips
- Get close to your spouse after their return from a potential rendezvous. You might be able to smell unfamiliar scents on their clothing or catch a glimpse of makeup on their shirt collar.[28]Thanks
- Keep your ears open for slip-ups when they speak—especially if you suspect they've just been with the person (either on the phone or in person). For example, they might say the other person's name instead of yours.Thanks
Tips from our Readers 
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of How.com.vn readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on How.com.vn, please submit it in the field below.
- Check for unusual additions to their daily routine, like frequent "late nights at the office". A change in routine can signal deception. Casually ask about their day to see if details don't add up.
- Pay attention if their phone or computer use changes. Increased security or defensiveness about devices may indicate hiding something. But don't snoop; open communication works better.
- Intimacy doesn't just mean sex. Ensure regular quality time enjoying shared interests, talking deeply, or being affectionate. Disconnection can strain the relationship.
- Make your partner feel appreciated. Leave little love notes, give sincere compliments, do small favors. Feeling valued makes cheating less likely.
- Your own behavior matters too. Being controlling, inattentive, or frequently suspicious can damage trust. Work on your own issues as well.
- Honesty and respect should be mutual. If you still suspect cheating and can't move past it, couples counseling may help rebuild trust.
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Warnings
- Placing cameras or recording devices in your home to try to catch your spouse cheating is typically illegal because your spouse is not aware they're being recorded.[29]Thanks
- It's generally illegal to record your spouse's conversations with someone else. Even if you're only recording their side of the conversation that you would overhear anyway, they aren't having the conversation with you and didn't consent to be recorded.[30]Thanks
- It's also illegal to install a spy app on your spouse's phone that records their calls or other activity. This would be the same as recording them with a separate device.[31]Thanks
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References
- ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
- ↑ https://www.npr.org/2018/01/05/575876563/suspicious-spouses-monitor-partners-digitally-divorce-lawyers-say
- ↑ Michelle Jacoby. Matchmaker & Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 7 September 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202211/11-tactics-people-use-hide-affairs
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202211/11-tactics-people-use-hide-affairs
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/202201/11-ways-people-try-hide-their-infidelity
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202211/11-tactics-people-use-hide-affairs
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202211/11-tactics-people-use-hide-affairs
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/202201/11-ways-people-try-hide-their-infidelity
- ↑ https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2018/01/04/554564010/i-know-where-you-ve-been-digital-spying-and-divorce-in-the-smartphone-age
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/202201/11-ways-people-try-hide-their-infidelity
- ↑ https://www.slice.ca/10-ways-to-catch-a-cheater/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202211/11-tactics-people-use-hide-affairs
- ↑ https://www.peoples-law.org/using-private-investigation-service
- ↑ https://www.thewonderwomenproject.org/blog/how-to-catfish-your-boyfriend-and-find-out-the-truth/
- ↑ https://www.thewonderwomenproject.org/blog/how-to-catfish-your-boyfriend-and-find-out-the-truth/
- ↑ https://hernorm.com/how-to-catch-someone-cheating-on-instagram/
- ↑ https://hernorm.com/how-to-catch-someone-cheating-on-instagram/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201405/6-signs-your-partner-is-facebook-cheating
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.peoples-law.org/how-work-attorney
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
- ↑ https://www.slice.ca/10-ways-to-catch-a-cheater/
- ↑ https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/abuse-using-technology/ways-abusers-misuse-technology/electronic-surveillance-spying-2
- ↑ https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/abuse-using-technology/ways-abusers-misuse-technology/electronic-surveillance-spying-2
- ↑ https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/abuse-using-technology/ways-abusers-misuse-technology/electronic-surveillance-spying-2
About This Article
Psychotherapist
This article was written by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and by How.com.vn staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida. This article has been viewed 1,943,378 times.
Co-authors: 182
Updated: March 15, 2024
Views: 1,943,378
Categories: Featured Articles | Cheating Spouses
Medical Disclaimer
The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.
Article SummaryX
If you think your spouse may be cheating, you might be tempted to look through their computer history and cell phone. However, do your best to avoid this since this is a huge breach of trust with possible legal consequences. Instead, watch for changes in their behavior, like hostility or being disinterested in sex. This way, you’ll have a reason to confront your spouse and bring up your suspicions with them. If you get concrete proof that your spouse is cheating, or they admit it to you, reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor to help you navigate your feelings. While this can be a traumatic experience, try to find comfort in the fact that you’re no longer in the dark and you’re in control of where your relationship goes from here. For more tips, like how to catch your partner in the act, scroll down.
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Reader Success Stories
"Awesome article. Just spy smart and don't overdo it. I jacked my husbands iPhone 6s. I asked Siri what the time was. I clicked on the time and created my own password and then I was in. Where there's a will there's a way, what's done in the dark will be revealed."..." more
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