How to Leave an Abusive Relationship with No Money

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1Seeking Advice and Support

2Finding Financial Empowerment Resources

3Gaining Financial Independence

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Getting out of an abusive relationship can seem impossible without money, but you have the power to leave and become financially independent. Your abuser might have told you that you’ll never get by on your own in an effort to maintain control. Don't let them keep you down! You deserve much more, and you’re capable of overcoming both the emotional and financial obstacles to leave your abuser. Remember that you’re not alone; you have a support system, and there are plenty of helpful resources at your disposal.

Steps

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Seeking Advice and Support

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1. 
   1
   Call emergency services if you’re in immediate danger. Get help immediately if your abuser is physically violent or has threatened you with violence. Get to a locked room or other secure place until the police arrive. When they arrive, describe the situation’s details, and ask for the responding officer’s name and badge number.

   • The responding officer will file an incident report. Get a copy at your local police station or see if you can download it online through their website.
   • If you’re hurt, go to a doctor or emergency room and ask them to document your injuries. Photographs and medical and police reports will help you file for a protective order, break a lease, and prove your abuser’s guilt in a criminal or civil case.
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   Contact a domestic violence hotline for advice about leaving. When you call, the domestic abuse advocate will ask if you’re in safe place to chat. They’ll ask about your particular situation and answer any questions you have about leaving an abuser. If your specific concerns are about money, they’ll provide tips on hiding money, if possible, and identify local resources for domestic abuse survivors.

   • If you live in the United States, call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
   • For an international directory, see https://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html.
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   Find a local shelter for survivors of domestic abuse. If you called a hotline, they can put you in touch with a nearby shelter. You could also search for one online. Staying in a shelter is a temporary fix, but it can get you out of danger and help you find your footing.

   • If you’re concerned that your abuser checks your phone and internet histories, delete hotline and shelter numbers, websites, and searches from your call log and internet history.
4. 
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   Talk to your loved ones about creating a safety plan. Reach out to your support system before leaving your abuser. Explain your situation to trusted friends and relatives, and ask for help. Ask to stay with a loved one, and for help with childcare, transportation, and for other essentials.

   • Try not feel afraid or anxious about asking for help. Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult, and it’s a lot for one person to bear. Whether you seek the support of your loved ones or a non-profit organization, remember that you are not alone.
   • If you don't live near your close friends or family, you can still stay at a shelter. They can help you develop a safety plan and put you in touch with job placement programs, affordable childcare, and other resources.
5. 
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   Get a restraining order if you're concerned for your safety. Visit your local courthouse and ask the clerk which forms you need to file a restraining order. They'll give you instructions on filling out the forms, then you'll have a court hearing to finalize the order.

   • Ask a friend or relative to go to the courthouse with you for moral support.
   • You don't need a lawyer to file a restraining order, and it doesn't cost any money.
   • Bring any documentation of the abuse to the hearing, including photographs and police or medical reports.
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   Seek counseling after leaving an abusive situation. Dealing with abuse and leaving the relationship are traumatic events. Healing takes time, and a counselor or therapist can help you cope with your experience.

   • A support group for survivors of abuse may also help. It's comforting to hear that you're not alone, and that others have gone through similar situations.
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Finding Financial Empowerment Resources

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1. 
   1
   Ask a local shelter about housing assistance and childcare programs. State and federal government resources can help you find affordable housing and, if necessary, childcare. Additionally, you may be able to get assistance buying groceries, clothing, and other necessities. Talk to a local domestic violence shelter or advocacy organization about your available options.

   • Steps for applying for assistance depend on your location; a shelter or advocacy organization can walk you the process.
   • Before you leave, do your best to gather vital documents, such as your ID or driver’s license, Social Security card, bank account information, and children’s birth certificates. You’ll need these when you apply for public assistance.
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   Find free educational resources for survivors of abuse. Managing finances can seem overwhelming, but try not to worry. Many domestic violence advocacy groups offer free financial literacy classes for survivors of abuse. Contact a local shelter or search the web for local workshops, classes, and online courses in personal finance.

   • Abusers often use money as a means of control, and you might not have much experience with budgeting, paying bills, and building credit. Since this is a common issue for survivors of abuse, there are plenty of educational resources at your disposal.
3. 
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   Get career planning assistance from a local shelter or organization. Many shelters and advocacy organizations offer job placement services for survivors. Career advisers can help you make a resume and search job listings. Your family and friends can also help you apply for jobs and gain employment.

   • If you don’t have a job or haven’t worked in a while, gaining employment might seem impossible. Keep a positive mindset, and try to take things one step at a time.
   • Think about any jobs you’ve held in the past and make a list of your skills. Search online for listings related to your skills, and ask family and friends if they know of any leads. An income is an important step toward financial independence, so be open to any and all opportunities.
   • If the first job you land isn’t glamorous, focus on meeting your needs in the present. Remind yourself that you’ll have more options in the future, but getting back on your feet is the priority right now.
4. 
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   Apply for grants that help survivors get back on their feet. You can find grant programs designed to cover costs such as rent, childcare, tuition, a new vehicle, food, utilities, and hygiene products. Application processes generally involve submitting financial information, an overview of your expenses, and a description of your situation. Search online, ask a nearby domestic violence organization about local grant programs, or look into the following grant programs:

   • Break the Silence’s Grants for Hope program: https://breakthesilencedv.org/.
   • Modest Needs: https://www.modestneeds.org.
   • Women’s Independence Scholarship Program: http://wispinc.org.
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Gaining Financial Independence

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1. 
   1
   Remind yourself that you are capable of gaining independence. Your abuser might have told you that you’ll never get a job or be able to handle your finances. Don’t let them take away your confidence. Remind yourself that you are smart, worthy, and talented.

   • Being without money is frightening, and it’s among the top reasons victims of abuse remain in abusive situations. Remember, you’re not alone, and your safety is important. You have a support system, and there are plenty of resources that can help you leave.
2. 
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   Hide a cash reserve with a trusted loved one, if possible. If your abusive partner regularly gives you money, such as for groceries, try to build a secure stash. Do your best to save up as much money as you can without them knowing. Keep your reserve at a loved one’s home or in a safe deposit box that your abuser doesn’t know about and can’t access.

   • For instance if they give you $100 to go food shopping, try to set aside $10 or so for your reserve. If they don’t give you cash, try getting small amounts of cash back when you make debit transactions.
3. 
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   Document the abuse, especially if you have to break a lease. If you rent, photographs, incident reports, and other evidence can help you avoid the severe financial penalties of breaking a lease. Laws vary by location, and you might have to give 30 days notice, but you likely have the legal right to break a lease if your safety is in jeopardy.

   • In the U.S., check your state’s housing laws related to domestic violence at https://www.womenslaw.org/.
   • You can also discuss the situation with your landlord. They might be understanding, and they’ll probably be eager to prevent violence and potential damage to their property.
4. 
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   Set up your own bank and credit accounts. Once you can safely do so, open accounts in your name that your abusive partner can’t access. Ensure any statements are mailed to a loved one’s address or to a secure email account.

   • If necessary, change any insurance or retirement accounts you hold that list the abuser as a beneficiary.
   • Both you and your abusive partner might need to be present to make changes to jointly held accounts. To handle this situation, a domestic violence advocacy group or shelter can put you in touch with a lawyer.
5. 
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   Create a household budget. Total your essential home and utility expenses, such as rent, electricity, and water. Add your phone bill, car payments, insurance, gas, and groceries. Identify any other bills, and cut out anything that isn’t absolutely essential.

   • Compare your expenses with your income. If you’re still on the job hunt, your budget will give you an idea of how much you need to stay afloat.
   • Seeing all of your expenses at once is stressful, and you might be wondering how you’ll make it work. You can do this! Staying at a shelter or with a loved one and getting financial assistance can minimize your expenses until you’ve found gainful employment.
6. 
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   Ask a loved one to co-sign a lease for you, if necessary. Securing a place to rent is difficult if you have no credit or a low credit score. See if a trusted friend or relative is willing to co-sign a lease or to be a roommate. Having a roommate can also cut your living expenses.

   • Remember that your loved one’s finances will be on the line if you can’t pay rent.
7. 
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   Rebuild your credit gradually. Over half of survivors say that dealing with bad or no credit is the biggest financial hurdle they faced after leaving an abuser. Building credit takes time, but it’s doable. Pay your rent on time, automate your bill payments, and open a secured credit card.

   • Secured credit cards require a refundable deposit of $200 to 300. They work like a standard credit card and will help you build credit, but they lower the risk for the bank. Be sure to make purchases that you can afford to pay off by the due date.
   • If you have credit accounts, keep them open and active. For instance, your credit score will take a major hit if you have $2,500 in debt, cancel a card with a $10,000 limit, and your available credit to debt ratio goes from $15,000/$2,500 to $5,000/$2,500.
   • Ask a reliable friend or relative with good credit to add you as an authorized user to their credit card. You don’t have to make any purchases, but being an authorized user on their account can build your credit.
   • If you’re in debt, pay the minimum balance on your accounts, and add any extra money you can spare toward the one with the smallest balance. Once that’s paid off, focus on the next smallest one, while still paying the minimum balance on the others. Continue until you’ve paid the balance on all of your accounts.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  How do you heal from emotional abuse?

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Expert Answer

  Create a journal of abusive incidents. Create a journal (and keep it in a safe place) and log all abusive incidences, registering dates, times, events, and threats made, if possible. Build a case against the abuser. Save any evidence of abuse, such as pictures of injuries, texts, and emails. Get emotional support. Have an emotional support system of friends and family. Share what is happening to you to close people. Go to the hospital for health emergencies. If you are injured, go to an emergency room and report what happened to you. Make sure that your visit and the incident is documented. Memorize emergency contacts. Make a list and memorize emergency contacts. Learn the phone numbers of trusted individuals, the police, a local shelter, and a domestic violence hotline. Create a safe escape plan. Prepare what you need to leave so that you can leave at a moment’s notice. Rehearse leaving quickly and safely during times when the abuser is not there. Reach out to organizations to gain confidence. Reach out to crisis hotlines, counseling, shelters, legal services, childcare and job training. By reaching out to these places today, you can gain greater confidence in leaving the abusive relationship when you’re ready.

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Tips

• Remember to take things one step at a time. Getting out of danger, looking for a job, finding a place to live, opening bank accounts, and researching resources can feel overwhelming. When something seems too big to handle, break it into smaller steps.
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• Leaving an abusive situation takes an emotional, physical, and mental toll, and it takes time to heal. Consider seeing a therapist or finding a support group for survivors.
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Warnings

• If you’re in immediate danger, call emergency services as soon as you can safely do so. If you believe your abuser will react violently when you leave, choose a time when they won’t be home or alert the police of your situation.
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