How to Earn His or Her Trust Back

Successful relationships aren't free of hardship. If you have betrayed your partner's trust, you may be able to salvage the relationship by earning trust back. Show your partner you are committed and want to mend the relationship. With time and attention, you can gradually reestablish trust.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Acknowledging your Betrayal

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1
Take responsibility for your behavior, and admit what you did. Lying will only further erode trust and create more stress for you. If you are dishonest, you will continue to worry about being caught. Be honest and forthright to prevent potential future betrayal and delay the process of regaining trust.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Being forthcoming will also allow you to explain your behavior in the best possible way. Your partner may assume the worst and others may exaggerate what happened, so take control of your story.
2
Put yourself in their shoes to avoid becoming defensive. Your partner will likely be upset, and may use negative language. Even if you know you did something wrong, this may cause you to become defensive of deflect blame. It is important to remember your partner is in great pain, and they need to express that.^{[2]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source} When you start to feel the urge to defend yourself, imagine how you would feel if your partner betrayed your trust. This will help you to recognize your partner's communication as an expression of pain, rather than an attack.^{[3]XExpert SourceAmy Wong
Leadership & Transformational CoachExpert Interview. 30 April 2020.}
- Nothing you do will ever justify abuse. If your partner becomes physically aggressive, verbally abusive, or threatens you in any way, you should leave the situation immediately and seek help.^{[4]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
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3
Listen actively to your partner. Show your partner you care about their thoughts and feelings by restating and reflecting what they communicate to you. Restate their communication by paraphrasing. Then, reflect by stating the emotion they are expressing.^{[5]XResearch source}
- For example, if your partner says "You said you'd be there, but you weren't. You knew how important this was to me!" then you could say "I realize I wasn't there for you, and that I disappointed you."
4
Validate their feelings. It is very important your partner feel heard and understood. Your betrayal represents a disregard for your partner's well-being. Demonstrate you care by describing how your behavior likely affected your partner.^{[6]XResearch source} For example, "My behavior was hurtful and violated your trust."
- Try to avoid using the phrase "I know," when talking about others' feelings. While not meant to offend, some people may interpret it as patronizing.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Apologizing to your Partner

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1
Explain your motivation to behave the way you did. What drove you to betray your partner? You are responsible for your actions, but understanding the emotion underlying your behavior may trigger your partner's empathy and will help you avoid similar situations in the future. Describe how you felt and then describe your behavior. For example, "I felt insecure in our relationship and sought attention from others."
- Use "I" statements to avoid inadvertently making your partner feel like you are blaming them.
2
Plan to behave differently in the future. It is key to help your partner see how you will avoid hurting them in the future. Identify what led to the behavior and ways you could have avoided the situation. For instance, if your behavior was influenced by a certain person, commit to avoiding being alone with them. This may involve making sure you have your partner or another friend accompany you to events the person is likely to attend, and leaving if you find yourself alone with the person.
- Communicating and resolving your issues with your partner should always be included in the plan.
3
Be sincere. Express genuine regret and remorse for betraying your partner. Your partner is more likely to trust you if they believe you will act to avoid future unpleasant emotions as a result of your behavior.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Avoid making promises you can't or don't intend to keep. Failure to follow through on promises may make earlier apologies seem insincere.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Proving Yourself

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1
Communicate clearly with your partner. Poor communication likely contributed to the betrayal; one or both of you was not being open and honest. To ensure this is remedied, identify barriers to effective communication and ways to overcome them. This will show your partner you are committed to avoiding future betrayal.^{[8]XResearch source}
- If you or your partner is uncomfortable discussing emotions, agree to write letters to each other about emotional subjects.
- If you and your partner do not communicate frequently enough, schedule weekly dates to discuss your relationship.
- If you are struggling to identify why you and your partner are not communicating effectively, consider enlisting the help of a couples counselor. A counselor will be able to help you identify and solve communication problems.
2
Ask your partner what they need. You may be at a loss as to how to earn your partner's trust again. Ask your partner what you can do to help them move toward trust. This may mean communicating more regularly, spending more time together, going to counseling, being patient, or something else. Ask your partner to guide your behavior in order to build trust.
- For example, "What can I do to help you feel more secure in our relationship, and prove my faithfulness from now on?"
3
Call and/or text regularly. Contact throughout the day will demonstrate you are thinking about your partner. This will help ease concerns that you are acting without regard for him or her. Your partner is more likely to trust you if they feel connected to you.^{[9]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- A good way to maintain contact without being needy is to text funny photos or brief descriptions of funny interactions you have with others.
4
Plan activities to spend time together, without focusing on the betrayal. Once you have apologized and made a plan to behave differently, try not to dwell on the hurtful event(s). Refocus attention on the present by engaging in fun activities together.^{[10]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source} If you are spending more time with your partner, they will worry less about what you are doing when you are apart.
- Find a hobby you and your partner can enjoy together. This will increase the amount of time you spend together and can strengthen your bond.
5
Express gratitude for your partner. Show them how much you appreciate them, and how important the relationship is to you. When your partner feels valued, they will feel secure in the relationship.^{[11]XExpert SourceAmy Wong
Leadership & Transformational CoachExpert Interview. 30 April 2020.}
- Try leaving notes of appreciation in places you know your partner will see them.
- If you demonstrate appreciation with gifts, be careful your partner doesn't feel like you are trying to buy your way out of trouble.
- Help out around the house to show them you notice and appreciate how much they do.
6
Accept that it will take time. Be patient with your partner while he or she learns to trust you again. This is out of your hands, and trying to speed the process along may cause your partner to feel you are not respecting their feelings.^{[12]XResearch source}
- Instead of focusing on something you have no control over (time), focus on the things you can control, such as being reliable and consistent.^{[13]XResearch source}
- Show your partner you have made long-term changes; don't just do things for the short term and then fall back into old habits.^{[14]XResearch source}
- Reader Poll: We asked 299 How.com.vn readers who’ve betrayed a partner, and 62% of them agreed the biggest challenge in rebuilding trust is dealing with the emotional fallout and broken trust. [Take Poll]

Expert Q&A

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Question
Do you give trust or earn it?
Amy Wong
Life Coach
Amy Eliza Wong is a Leadership and Transformational Coach and the Founder of Always on Purpose, a private practice for individuals and executives looking for help in increasing personal well-being and success and in transforming work cultures, developing leaders, and improving retention. With over 20 years of experience, Amy coaches one-on-one and conducts workshops and keynotes for businesses, medical practices, non-profits, and universities. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy is a regular instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, holds an MA in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University, a certification in Transformational Life Coaching from Sofia University, and a certification in Conversational Intelligence from CreatingWE Institute.
Amy Wong
Life Coach
Expert Answer
Trust is just the state of feeling safe and comfortable. While you can certainly make a conscious effort to trust someone, it's really just a state of feeling. It isn't like you can voluntarily control that, though. It takes a lot of self awareness and empathy to trust.
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Question
How can I show people that I trust them?
Amy Wong
Life Coach
Amy Eliza Wong is a Leadership and Transformational Coach and the Founder of Always on Purpose, a private practice for individuals and executives looking for help in increasing personal well-being and success and in transforming work cultures, developing leaders, and improving retention. With over 20 years of experience, Amy coaches one-on-one and conducts workshops and keynotes for businesses, medical practices, non-profits, and universities. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy is a regular instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, holds an MA in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University, a certification in Transformational Life Coaching from Sofia University, and a certification in Conversational Intelligence from CreatingWE Institute.
Amy Wong
Life Coach
Expert Answer
The best thing you can do is try to remember that other people have their own complex histories, beliefs, feelings, and fears. When you can do that, you'll naturally be inclined to take their desires and beliefs into account. If other people feel valued, they'll grow to trust you.
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Question
Why is trust so important in a relationship?
Amy Wong
Life Coach
Amy Eliza Wong is a Leadership and Transformational Coach and the Founder of Always on Purpose, a private practice for individuals and executives looking for help in increasing personal well-being and success and in transforming work cultures, developing leaders, and improving retention. With over 20 years of experience, Amy coaches one-on-one and conducts workshops and keynotes for businesses, medical practices, non-profits, and universities. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy is a regular instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, holds an MA in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University, a certification in Transformational Life Coaching from Sofia University, and a certification in Conversational Intelligence from CreatingWE Institute.
Amy Wong
Life Coach
Expert Answer
We feel trust when we feel safe. So if you think of the opposite there, it's fear. This is why we're scared of tigers or sharks, for example; they're dangerous, and we want to avoid things that can hurt us. That's why it's important in a relationship. If two people don't trust one another, they're going to be in a constant state of fear and anxiety.
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