How to Cope With a Narcissistic Husband

A guide for improving your relationship with a self-absorbed spouse

No marriage is perfect, but if you’re married to someone with narcissistic tendencies, it can make your relationship all the more difficult. Thankfully, there are some steps you can take to deal with a self-absorbed husband to make your relationship a little easier to deal with and maybe even help you feel closer. Just keep in mind that not everyone with narcissistic traits has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and only a licensed therapist can diagnose clinical NPD.^{[1]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}

1

Take care of yourself.

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Take time for self-care to bolster your confidence, independence, and joy. Being married to someone who’s self-absorbed or manipulative can be draining. Protect your energy and boost your mental health by taking time to yourself regularly.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Dedicate time to your passions and hobbies, or cultivate new ones: learn to sew, take a dance class, start running, or start writing. Do something that makes you happy.

2

Set strong boundaries—and follow through.

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Establish boundaries with your husband and enforce them. Make it clear to your husband that you won’t tolerate disrespectful behavior from him. Tell him what you’ll do if he crosses your boundaries, and be sure to follow through so he knows you mean it.^{[3]XResearch source}
- For instance, if he regularly raises his voice to you during disagreements, say, “I won’t tolerate you yelling. If you raise your voice, I’ll leave the room, and we can continue the discussion later.”

3

Explain how you feel.

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Talk to your husband about his behavior. Begin an open and honest conversation with him, but try not to come off accusatory, as egoistic people may be more sensitive to criticism. Explain to him in a non-confrontational way that you are unhappy with the direction your relationship is headed.
- Tell him how his behavior makes you feel, rooting your feelings in “I” language. For instance, “I feel hurt when you insult me.”^{[4]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- Try not to yell angrily at your spouse. Openly discussing your hurt and fears is a more effective communication technique.^{[5]XResearch source}
- If he’s sensitive to criticism, start the conversation with flattery.^{[6]XResearch source} For instance, say, "You are such a great provider and strong presence in this relationship," and then go into your concerns carefully.
- Think about your husband's reactions and moods on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being the most upset and 1 being the most calm. Try to wait to confront him until he is at a 3 or lower to ensure he’s more amenable.

4

Try to understand the root of his behavior.

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Figure out where your husband is coming from. If his narcissistic tendencies are recent, try to find out what happened that made him start acting like this. Step into his shoes to figure out why he's hurting.^{[7]XResearch source}
- For example, if he's injured, or you've just gotten a recent job, he might feel like he isn't adequate enough. Thus, he may be trying to direct attention to himself.
- If your husband says, "My life isn't where I hoped it would be," respond with something like, "Maybe not, but we have a lot of good things. We can work on the things you aren't happy with."
- Ask questions to understand where he's coming from, and paraphrase what he tells you to show that you are listening when he talks.^{[8]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- Mirror what he says. If your husband says, "I feel that no one appreciates what I do," respond with, "I know exactly how that feels. That must be very difficult and hurtful."

5

Seek support from loved ones.

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Nourish your other relationships. Dealing with a narcissistic spouse can leave you feeling alone and discouraged. Reach out to friends and family for support when you need it—but also when you don't.
- Regularly spending time with people other than your spouse will help you feel more independent and elevate your self-esteem.^{[9]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- Consider establishing a weekly ritual hangout with your good friends—and uphold it, even if your husband tries to get you to stay home to be with him.

6

Motivate him with encouragement.

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Acknowledge good behavior with compliments or rewards. People with inflated egos often crave attention and recognition for their efforts. When your husband does something—even something small—to show his love or kindness, enthusiastically acknowledge his efforts.^{[10]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}
- For instance, if he helps you carry the groceries inside the house, say, “Thank you! I’m so lucky to have such a kind and thoughtful husband.”
- This doesn’t mean giving false praise. People with narcissistic tendencies may crave praise, even when it’s undeserved.
- Instead, give him real, genuine, effusive acknowledgement—when he deserves it. Over time, he may work harder to earn your praise.

7

Frame things to be about his benefit.

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Framing requests to be about what he wants may make him more open to them. Narcissism may make it hard for your husband to empathize with your needs and desires.^{[11]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source} Try to reframe requests so that they seem to benefit him or stroke his ego in some way.
- For instance, if you want to go to a friend's house for dinner, don't say, "I want to go eat dinner with Bob and Julie." Instead, say, "They really love you; they'd love to have you at dinner."
- Convince him that doing things for you reflects well on him. Say something like, "By helping me clean the garage, you show everyone how good you are at taking care of me."

8

Spend quality time together.

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Give him attention. Your husband is your partner and deserves to feel loved. Giving him attention does not mean feeding his ego. Spend time with him, tell him you love him, decide on activities to do after work or on weekends together to strengthen your bond.^{[12]XResearch source}
- Spend time together each night talking about your days. To make sure he listens to you, say, "We each can spend half an hour talking about our days," or suggest switching back and forth between stories.
- When choosing activities on the weekend, frame things where he is the center of attention. If you want to go to the movies, say, "I know you want to see that new movie, why don't we go see it?"

9

Be patient.

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Remember that large-scale behavior changes always take time. Managing narcissistic symptoms takes hard work and dedication.^{[13]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source} If your husband is committed to changing, realize it likely won't be instantaneous. Continue to be gentle, compassionate, understanding, and loving.
- Be honest as you assess his progress. Is he making an honest effort to change? Is he still treating you poorly? Is the relationship worth continuing to give so much of yourself to?

10

Consider couples counseling.

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Approach marriage counseling carefully. Couples counseling may help you both build a stronger connection.^{[14]XTrustworthy SourceUniversity of Rochester Medical CenterLeading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and researchGo to source} If your husband is resistant to therapy, emphasize that it’s for both of you, not just him: this may encourage him to agree to seek counseling with you.
- For example, say, "I'd like to see a therapist to figure out how we can communicate better and enjoy each other's company more. I want to work on our relationship so we can both get what we need." This keeps the tone non-accusatory.
- Try using "we" instead of "you" when confronting him. This gives the illusion of a shared responsibility and blame instead of making it seem like all his fault.^{[15]XResearch source}
- For instance, instead of saying, "You hurt me by being selfish," say, "We hurt each other because we sometimes think more about ourselves than each other."

11

Know if it’s best to end the relationship.

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If things don’t improve, consider if the relationship is worth it. Every marriage takes effort, and all couples go through difficult times. But if your husband doesn’t seem willing to try, know that reevaluating your marriage is an option, especially if his behavior towards you is in any way abusive.^{[16]XResearch source}
- If your husband is regularly dishonest, cruel, jealous, controlling, or manipulative, it can be hard to endure being with him.
- While it’s possible for someone with these tendencies to work through them with patience, hard work, and therapy, if your husband refuses to take responsibility for his treatment of you, it may be worth considering taking a break.
- Know that taking a break doesn’t mean you must go through with a separation or divorce, but if your partner consistently lies to you, puts you down, or mistreats you in any other way, your safety and well-being are paramount.

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Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is characterized by a sense of superiority, a need for praise, arrogance, and a lack of empathy, and can only be diagnosed by a licensed therapist.^{[17]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}
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Remember that not everyone with clinical NPD is toxic or abusive. In fact, many people with NPD are able to manage their symptoms through therapy and/or medication.^{[18]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}
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