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This article was co-authored by Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Michelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.
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A good apology can really make a big difference when you and your girlfriend are in a fight, but how exactly should you go about apologizing to her? There are actually a lot of different approaches you can take. The most important thing is that your apology feels genuine and acknowledges what you did wrong. Don’t worry—coming up with a good apology isn’t hard, and we’re here to help you out! Below you’ll find examples of what you can say and some tips on how to apologize in the best way to really show you’re sorry.
Steps
Think about your apology and really get to the bottom of the problem. Anyone can say they are sorry, but not everyone can mean it and back it up with a solution.[1] Be aware that your girlfriend might expect you to think about your actions and/or words for a while before apologizing to her. Before you issue your apology, have solid answers about:[2]- Why you did what you did, or said what you said, to upset her.
- What aspect of your personality that comes from.
- How you plan on fixing it so that neither you nor your girlfriend will have to go through the pain again.
Start off with a simple, blunt "I'm sorry." Don't hem or haw, or try to apologize without actually saying "sorry." Your girlfriend probably wants to hear those exact words, so be prepared to say them up front.[3]- Reader Poll: We asked 490 How.com.vn readers about the most effective ways to heal a relationship after a tough argument with a partner, and 82% agreed that apologizing and taking accountability for your actions are key. [Take Poll]
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If she asks you to leave, tell her you want to apologize. Tell her you really want to fix the problem and get your relationship back on track. Don't yell or talk over her; you may frighten or upset her and make things worse.[4]- If she seems really upset and doesn't want to handle your apology right now, leave. Ask her if you can give her a call in a couple days.
Calmly explain to her the reasons behind your actions. If you thought about the problem (Step 1), you should have a pretty good idea about what and why you did wrong, and how you can fix it in the future.[5]- Example: "I know I owe you an apology. I shouldn't have lied to you or your parents about my age. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but I didn't want you or them to not trust me because I'm older. I really care about you and your parents, so I plan on apologizing to them directly. I understand if you or they are still mad at me after this."
- Example: "I shouldn't have looked at Stacy the way I did. I know that she's your friend, and I'd never do anything to jeopardize my relationship with you or your relationship with her. I don't have an excuse for my actions, only an explanation: lots of guys look at girls. Now that I know it really bothers you, I'll try my hardest not to make the same mistake again."
- Example: "I apologize for calling you that name — I'm not even going to repeat it. It was wrong and degrading. I recognize that. I shouldn't have gotten worked up, and I shouldn't have let that slip. I realize that you might change your opinion of me based on that, so I'm going to try to do everything in my power to make it up to you."
Give her time to respond.[6] Let her ask you all the questions she needs an answer for. Respond truthfully. A couple of things to keep in mind as you let her grill you:[7]- Don't shift the blame.[8] Even if you're not the only one who's at fault, it's not a good idea to blame her. Your apology won't work if you do that.
- Let her express how angry, disappointed, or upset she is.[9] Don't try to convince her not to be; she has a right to. It'll make her feel better.
- Don't try to show her affection at this point — it's probably still a little too early. That means no kisses, hugs, or hand holding unless she starts it.
Tell her you'll give her time if she needs it. Reiterate your apology again briefly and walk away if she wants time alone. Respect the way she wants to do things.[10]
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After you've given the verbal apology a try, use other methods if she still hasn't forgiven you. Sometimes, you'll need to give her several apologies before she accepts that you're truly sorry. That's okay; the more thought and effort you put into your apology, the likelier she is to forgive you.
Write a letter of apology. Give it to her in a romantic way, such as hidden in a nice bouquet, or delivered personally by one of her best friends. The letter can say something like this:[11]- Example: "I know that a letter can't fully make up for what I did. I also know that a letter won't fully capture how I feel and what I have to say. What I do know is that I messed up. I can't imagine not being with you. You're who I dream of when I go to bed, and who I think of when I wake up in the morning. You're everything. Nothing I do now will make up for what I did, but I can tell you that I'll never make that mistake again. I promise from the very bottom of my heart."
Depending on the girl, try a public apology. Be careful, because some girls hate other people knowing all about their relationship. Use your discretion before a public apology. Consider this, too: she might feel like you are using public pressure to force her to forgive you, as in "Oh, how could Sarah not take him back? Look how sweet he is to her!" It might ultimately be better to keep these things between you as a couple.- Go for the straightforward public apology. Just go up to her when she's with a group of friends, have something prepared, and bare your heart. Look her deeply in the eyes when you apologise, and focus your attention solely on her.
- If you're feeling really creative, try using a flash mob to apologize to her. Flash mobs require a lot of work and preparation, so be sure it will work if you do decide to pull it off.
Leave flowers, chocolates, or stuffed animals at her home or workplace. Girls love these three things. Be sure to write a short message to her; flowers and chocolates without a message apologizing again takes a lot of the emotion out of it. Remember, you want emotion!
Write a song apologizing and post it on YouTube. Songs about missing people, having wronged people, or just songs about guilt and shame would work too. Of course, any song that has significance to you as a couple would be nice. You could try changing some of the lyrics to fit the situation.- Alternately, make her a mix. A mix is a little less personal, but with the right care and thought, it can help you get your message across. Pick both songs you know she loves and songs you think she hasn't heard.
Write a poem apologizing to her. Leave it for her, or record yourself saying it on her answering machine. Make it heartfelt and very emotional if you can.
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Sample Apology Letter
Expert Q&A
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- QuestionHow do I avoid conflict with my girlfriend?
Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MAMichelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.
Relationship CoachWe're human beings. Any two people you put in a room together long enough are going to experience some kind of conflict. It's undoubtedly going to happen. Try to use the experience of conflict as an opportunity to create a stronger, more positive relationship. - QuestionHow do you make sure your apology feels sincere?Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MAMichelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.
Relationship CoachBe able to tolerate the other person's wave of hurt coming your way, whatever that may look like. Sit with their reaction and continue to stay apologetic. - QuestionMy girlfriend said she no longer has feelings for me. I really love her. What can I do?
Community AnswerIf she said she no longer has feelings for you, start by asking her why. If she seems confident in her answer, you should probably move on. You can’t really change how someone feels.
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Tips
- Persistence is key, but you need to know when she wants you to back off for a while.[12]Thanks
- Try to make it special, because you want her to understand that you care for her.Thanks
- Remember, the sooner you do it the better. If you really messed up, she is likely to be very upset, and you want to fix that as soon as possible.Thanks
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Warnings
- Don't get caught in a cycle of apologizing for everything just to make all calm again. Your issues as a couple will eventually build up and you will probably end up resenting each other.Thanks
- There are never any guarantees! But remember that at the end of the day, you just want to make sure she understands how you feel.Thanks
- Ask yourself why you want to apologize and whether you actually mean it, as this will determine your method.Thanks
- Put no pressure on your girlfriend to make a decision and no communication for a few days, give her space!Thanks
- Not everything requires an apology just because your girlfriend got upset. Think long and hard about your conduct - and hers.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/201801/how-apologize-reals
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-dance-connection/201409/the-9-rules-true-apologies
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-dance-connection/201409/the-9-rules-true-apologies
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-dance-connection/201409/the-9-rules-true-apologies
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/201801/how-apologize-reals
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201811/the-art-the-apology
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201811/the-art-the-apology
About This Article
Relationship Coach
This article was co-authored by Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Michelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University. This article has been viewed 1,647,232 times.
Co-authors: 50
Updated: March 4, 2024
Views: 1,647,232
Categories: Making Apologies
Article SummaryX
If you need to apologize to your girlfriend, say “I’m sorry,” and calmly explain what it is you did wrong. If she’s still upset, don’t get angry. Instead, ask her if you can call in a couple days, then give her some space so she can calm down. Keep in mind that you may have to apologize several times before she accepts that you’re truly sorry. If she isn’t talking to you, or won’t respond to your calls and texts, try writing her a letter to explain how much you regret what you did. For an added touch, have the letter delivered to her house with a bouquet of flowers. To learn how to write an apology poem, read on!
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