Apologizing to a Girl Over Text: 11 Effective Ways

Learn how to craft a sincere and genuine apology text

There’s no worse feeling in the world than hurting someone you care about. If you said or did something to upset a girl in your life, and you’re hoping to send her an apology via text, you’ve come to the right place. Saying sorry over text can be tricky, but it’s not impossible if you go about it the right way. Here are all the tips you need to send a sincere, genuine apology text to a girl, whether she’s a friend, coworker, family member, or your girlfriend.

This article is based on an interview with our matchmaker and dating coach, Courtney Quinlan, owner of Midwest Matchmaking. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

When apologizing to a girl over text, start by acknowledging your mistake and saying that you’re genuinely sorry.
Take full responsibility, and avoid shifting blame or minimizing your actions. Express genuine remorse for hurting her.
Back your apology up with actions and improvements to your behavior. Say sorry again in-person the next time you see her.

1

Put yourself in her shoes.

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Before you start writing your text, try to see where she’s coming from. Take some time to empathize with her and think about how you might feel if you were in her position. When you truly understand how she’s feeling, you’ll be better able to figure out what to say in your apology text.^{[1]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}
- For instance, if you forgot her birthday, try imagining how it would make you feel if she forgot about yours.
- Or, if you made her a promise you didn’t follow through on, think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed.

2

Say sorry and be specific about what you did wrong.

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Start by acknowledging what you did and genuinely apologizing for it. No need to beat around the bush—come right out and tell her that you messed up, and that you’re truly sorry.^{[2]XExpert SourcePatti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating CoachExpert Interview. 12 January 2021.} Name the specific thing you did wrong, rather than using vague language. This shows that you’ve reflected on your behavior and understand why it wasn’t okay.^{[3]XResearch source}
- For example, text her something like, “I’m so sorry that I was late to our date. You deserve more than that, and I want you to know that I respect your time.”
- This apology comes across as more genuine than something like “I’m so sorry for screwing up. I’ll do better,” which is too vague and impersonal.

3

Elaborate on why you were wrong.

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Give details to show you understand the seriousness of your actions. Mistakes are oftentimes more complex than one wrong word or act. Explore all of the reasons your behavior negatively affected her, and demonstrate your understanding of how you hurt her. This will help her see that you’re truly remorseful for your actions.^{[4]XResearch source}
- For instance, if you didn’t notice or mention her new haircut, and it hurt her feelings, you could text something like:
- “I know you were trying something new, and you wanted to see what I thought about it. It takes guts to take a chance like that, and it’s really not okay that I didn’t acknowledge it at all. I’m so sorry, and I think your haircut is beautiful.”

4

Briefly provide context to your behavior.

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Provide any relevant information to explain what went wrong. Context may help her understand why you made the mistake, which could help her forgive you. Be careful, however, not to deflect blame or make things about yourself. Simply explain what happened to give her a full picture of the situation.^{[5]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Medical SchoolHarvard Medical School's Educational Site for the PublicGo to source}
- If you’re apologizing for being late to a date, for instance, you could text something like:
- “I’m really sorry I didn’t make it to our date on time. There was a car accident on the freeway that held me up. I should have left earlier, or at the very least called to let you know I was running late.”

5

Take full responsibility for your actions.

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Own up to your mistakes, and avoid making excuses. Acknowledge what you did, and don’t try to shift the blame or justify your behavior.^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Medical SchoolHarvard Medical School's Educational Site for the PublicGo to source} If you’re honest and willing to accept that what you did was wrong, she may be more willing to accept your apology.^{[7]XTrustworthy SourceAssociation for Psychological ScienceNonprofit organization devoted promoting trustworthy research and education in the psychological sciencesGo to source}
- Your text could say something like, “I’m so sorry I stayed out late last night without letting you know where I was. My behavior was not okay at all, and I take full responsibility for it.”
- When you’re willing to own your mistakes, she may admit to hers as well. For instance, if she yelled at you for missing her calls, she may apologize for this.

6

Use active language, not conditional language.

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Say you’re sorry that you did something, not if you did something. Conditional language shifts the blame away from you and minimizes your behavior, which can make your apology seem insincere.^{[8]XResearch source} For example, instead of texting “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings,” text “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.” Here’s a few more examples:
- What not to say: “I’m sorry if it seemed like I was ignoring you, but I was just busy.”
  - Instead, text something like: “I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to answer your calls. I should have let you know I wasn’t going to be around for a few hours, so you didn’t worry.”
- What not to say: “I’m sorry if I offended you. It wasn’t my intention to.”
  - Instead, text something like: “I’m sorry for what I said. It was offensive and not okay. I’ll do whatever I can to make it up to you.”

7

Express genuine remorse for what you did.

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Explain how badly you feel about hurting her. Be vulnerable and open up about the emotions you’re experiencing, whether they be remorse, regret, embarrassment, fear, or some combination of them all. Elaborating on your feelings will make your apology more genuine and effective.^{[9]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}
- For instance, if you said some unkind things in the heat of the moment during an argument, you could text her:
- “I’m so sorry for what I said. I’ve been sick to my stomach all day thinking about how it must have made you feel, and I'm scared of losing you. I’m so sorry I hurt you, and I wish I could take it all back.”

8

Give her space to express her feelings.

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After you send your apology text, give her a chance to respond. Try not to dominate the conversation or keep the focus solely on you. Ask her what she thinks about what you’ve said, and make room for her to share her feelings after you make your apology.^{[10]XExpert SourcePatti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating CoachExpert Interview. 12 January 2021.} Be sure to genuinely listen and make an effort to understand her perspective.
- For example, after you send your apology text, you could send a follow-up text that says:
- “How are you feeling about everything? Is there anything you want to talk more about?”

9

Tell her you want to make up for your mistakes.

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Let her know that you are taking action to improve your future behavior. “Actions speak louder than words,” says Courtney Quinlan, a matchmaker and dating coach with over 15 years of experience. “Know her love language, know what’s important to her, know her personality, and use that knowledge to work on getting her back,” she says.^{[11]XExpert SourceCourtney Quinlan
Matchmaker & Dating CoachExpert Interview. 27 August 2021.}
- For example, if her love language is quality time, you could text something like:
- “I’m so sorry I had to cancel our date at the last minute. If you’re free this weekend, I would love the chance to spend some time with you. You don’t have to do anything at all—I’ll make the reservations and plan everything out!”
- This will show her you’re ready and willing to do whatever it takes to fix any damage your mistakes have made.^{[12]XExpert SourceChristina Jay, NLP
  Matchmaker & Certified Life CoachExpert Interview. 11 February 2020.}

10

Remember that you’re asking her to forgive you.

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After you’ve apologized, admitted your mistakes, and tried to make amends, ask her if she’s willing to accept your apology and forgive you. She may need some time to think it over, and that’s okay. “If she needs her space, give her all the space she needs,” says Courtney Quinlan. Let her accept the apology in her own time, and on her own terms.^{[13]XExpert SourceCourtney Quinlan
Matchmaker & Dating CoachExpert Interview. 27 August 2021.}

11

Follow up in person.

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Repeat your apology the next time you see her. An apology text is a great start, especially if you’re worried about being able to express yourself verbally. It’s important to back this text up, however, with a sincere face-to-face apology at some point. Many people prefer an in-person apology, especially when you’re apologizing for a breach of trust, so this may be the final step to truly move forward.^{[14]XResearch source}
- When you see her in person, tell her you’re sorry again, and make sure you live up to any promises or commitments you made when you sent your apology text.^{[15]XExpert SourceChristina Jay, NLP
  Matchmaker & Certified Life CoachExpert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
- For instance, if you apologized for being late to a date and promised that it wouldn’t happen again, take extra care to be punctual when you see her next.

Expert Q&A

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How do you apologize for unintentionally hurting someone?
Patti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Patti Novak Williams is a Professional Matchmaker in Las Vegas, Nevada. With over 20 years of experience, Patti specializes in working with clients one on one to help them find love. She has helped match hundreds of couples, engagements, and marriages. Patti was the star of the critically acclaimed A&E series “Confessions of a Matchmaker.” She has been featured in the New York Times, the New York Daily News, the New York Post, and The Wall Street Journal, and has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, TODAY with Hoda and Kathy Lee, The Rachael Ray Show, CBS’ The Early Show, CNN, The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch, The Nate Berkus Show, and Fox’s The Morning Show With Mike & Juliet. Patti published a book in 2008 with Random House titled “Get Over Yourself!: How to Get Real, Get Serious, and Get Ready to Find True Love.”
Patti Novak Williams
Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Answer
If you unintentionally offended her, based on her reactions, the most natural forgiving thing is a provide a genuine apology such as “I'm so sorry. I did not mean to insult you or hurt your feelings.” It's an individual choice based on what happened and how she decides to handle and respond to it.
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Tips

If she doesn’t accept your apology over text, try talking to her in-person. Sometimes a face-to-face apology can be a better way to fix things.^{[16]XResearch source}
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If she asked you to give her some space to cool down, honor this boundary and wait a bit before texting your apology.
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