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This article was co-authored by Tami Claytor. Tami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach, Image Consultant, and the Owner of Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting in New York, New York. With over 20 years of experience, Tami specializes in teaching etiquette classes to individuals, students, companies, and community organizations. Tami has spent decades studying cultures through her extensive travels across five continents and has created cultural diversity workshops to promote social justice and cross-cultural awareness. She holds a BA in Economics with a concentration in International Relations from Clark University. Tami studied at the Ophelia DeVore School of Charm and the Fashion Institute of Technology, where she earned her Image Consultant Certification.
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While apologizing in person often conveys more sincerity, there are times when a formal, written apology might be your only option or could otherwise be the preferred method. To write an apology letter, you'll need to address your error early in the letter, acknowledge the other party's hurt feelings, and accept full responsibility for your part in the matter. In many cases, you'll also need to offer a solution that will fix any underlying issues related to the original problem. If you want to make sure that your apology is effective and doesn't cause even more hurt, aim for both clarity and sincerity while you write.
Steps
Sample Apology Letters
State what your letter is about. It’s a good idea to begin by letting them know that this letter is an apology. This will give them the chance to put themselves, emotionally, in the right place to read the rest of your letter. You don’t want them to be confused about why you’re writing or what you’re going to say.[1]- Say something like: “I wanted to write you a letter to apologize for what i did”.
State your mistake and be nice about it. Now that you’ve acknowledged that you’re apologizing, say what you’re apologizing for and why it was incorrect. Be very exact and descriptive don't leave any thing out. By fully putting it out there in the open, the person that you’re apologizing to will know that you do really understand what you did.[2]- Say something like: “What I did last weekend was horribly inappropriate, disrespectful, and wildly selfish. Your wedding is supposed to be all about your happiness and celebrating your love. By proposing to Jessica, I turned that focus on to me. I tried to steal your moment and that was wrong.”[3]
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Acknowledge how much you have hurt them.[4] Acknowledge that they have been hurt and that you understand just how hurtful it was. This is usually a good time to also mention that you never intended for them to be hurt.[5]- Say something like: “Jacob told me that my actions ruined not only your experience of your wedding, but also are now making your honeymoon less than the incredible experience that it should be. I hope you understand that that was never my intention. I wanted you to be able to look back on this time and remember only happy things but I have ruined that with my selfish actions. I've robbed you of those happy memories. While I can't truly know how this feels to you, I can certainly understand that what I did was one of the worst things I could possibly have done to you.”
Express your gratitude. If you want to, though it is not required, you can acknowledge all the hard work and good things that they've done for you in the past. This shows them that you appreciate them and can help show that you really do feel bad about what you've done.- Say something like: “This is an especially terrible thing for me to have done to you after how warmly you have accepted me into your family. You have not only shown your incredible, beautiful love to my brother, but you have also shown me support and kindness that I never could have possibly expected. To hurt you in this way was an insult to all the things that you have done for me and I hate myself for that.”
Accept responsibility. This is one of the most important parts of an apology but can be the hardest to say. Even if the other person did make some mistakes, acknowledgement of that does not belong in this letter. What you do need to do is admit your responsibility for your mistake openly and without reservation.[6] You might have had good reasons for doing what you did but that shouldn't keep you from saying that your actions caused someone to get hurt.[7]- Say something like: “I would try to offer an explanation for what I did, but there are no excuses. My intentions, though good, don't matter here: only my poor choices. I absolutely take responsibility for my selfish actions and the terrible pain I have caused you.”
- Don't make excuses for your actions but you can explain your reasoning very carefully. If you really feel like it's needed or would make the situation better, you can explain why you made the choice that you made. This should be done only if you think understanding your choices would give the person you hurt some comfort.
Offer a solution that will lead to change. Just saying that you're sorry isn't really enough. What really gives an apology some punch is finding a way to solve the problem in the future. This is better, even, than just saying that it will never happen again. When you offer a plan for change and how you're going to go about it, this shows the person that you're really serious about making the situation better.[8]- Say something like: “But just being sorry isn't enough. You deserve better. When you come home, Jessica and I would love to throw a big welcome-home party in your honor. This will be the party to end all parties and it will be 100% devoted to celebrating the incredible love you share with my brother. If you would rather not do this, that's fine: I just want to find some way to help you create the incredible, happy memories that I took away from you. ”
State a desire to have better interactions in the future. You shouldn't just outright ask for forgiveness. This places demands, whether you intend it or not, on a person whom you have already wronged. It is better to express what you really want, which is for the two of you to interact in a better way in the future.[9]- Say something like: “I can’t expect your forgiveness, though I certainly hope for it. All I can say is that I truly want things to be okay between us. I want you to feel okay and eventually even happy when you're around me. I want to earn back the wonderful relationship that we had. Hopefully, in the future, we can find a way to move past this and create happier times together.”
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Don't promise change unless you are 100% sure you can deliver. This is very important. If you made a mistake that you feel you are likely to repeat or that stems from inherent differences in personality or values, you do not want to promise them that you will change. This is because you will likely make the mistake again and future apologies, for anything really, will ring hollow.[10]
Watch what language you use. Apologizing is a skill. We naturally don't want to do it and will fight against it a lot of the time. This is why, if you want to apologize correctly, you'll want to be careful about your language. Some phrases and words sound like an apology but actually make the situation worse because they show that you really aren't sorry. It's easy to use these words by accident, so be conscious as you're writing your letter. Examples include:[11]- "Mistakes were made..."
- "If" statements like "I'm sorry if your feelings got hurt" or "If you felt bad about this..."
- "I'm sorry that you felt that way."
Be sincere and genuine.[12] When you apologize, you need to be sincere and genuine about it. If you can't be, in some cases it might be better to wait until you really are sorry before apologizing. When you write your letter, skip the form language and cliches. Don't just copy some letter that you find on the internet. You want what you say to be specific to your situation so that the person you're apologizing to knows that you really understand what happened and why it was bad.[13]
Keep expectations and assumptions out of your letter. You don't want your letter to sound demanding, rude, or create further insult. You don't want to try to or appear to try to guilt someone into forgiveness. You don't want to make assumptions about how they feel or why they're upset, because you might end up showing how little you understand about what happened. With all of the language you use, it's better to take a tone that is humble and leaves them feeling in control of the situation. This sort of language is most likely to help them forgive you.[14]
Wait a day or two before mailing it. If possible, wait a few days before sending your letter. You want to be able to read it when you're a little more emotionally removed from what you wrote.
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Choose the best way to start the letter. With an apology, you'll want to start your letter with the usual "Dear,....." It is better not to get flowery with your language at the start of the letter and to keep the salutation as basic as possible.[15]
End your letter gracefully. If you don't know how else to end your letter, default to the basic "Sincerely..." However, you can also get a little more creative if you want to keep the letter sounding less like a basic letter. Try phrases like "I sincerely thank you for hearing me out" or "Again, I deeply apologize for the problems my actions caused, and I hope I can work to make it right."
Account for a formal apology. If you're writing an apology letter in a professional or formal setting, then you're going to need to be sure that the letter looks formal. Aside from having it nicely printed, you should also add things like the date, your name, the name of your organization, your written signature, and other formatting associated with a formal letter as needed.[16]- You'll also need to adjust the syntax of your letter to sound formal and better fit the situation.
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Expert Q&A
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- QuestionHow do you apologize professionally?
Tami ClaytorTami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach, Image Consultant, and the Owner of Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting in New York, New York. With over 20 years of experience, Tami specializes in teaching etiquette classes to individuals, students, companies, and community organizations. Tami has spent decades studying cultures through her extensive travels across five continents and has created cultural diversity workshops to promote social justice and cross-cultural awareness. She holds a BA in Economics with a concentration in International Relations from Clark University. Tami studied at the Ophelia DeVore School of Charm and the Fashion Institute of Technology, where she earned her Image Consultant Certification.
Etiquette CoachSay something like, "I sincerely apologize for hurting your feelings last night at dinner. That was not my intention. I meant to communicate my frustration about our discussion at work, but I wasn't able to phrase my thoughts in a clear, productive way. I'm not trying to make any excuses—I know that I hurt you, and I hope that you can forgive me." - QuestionWhat is the most important part of an apology?Tami ClaytorTami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach, Image Consultant, and the Owner of Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting in New York, New York. With over 20 years of experience, Tami specializes in teaching etiquette classes to individuals, students, companies, and community organizations. Tami has spent decades studying cultures through her extensive travels across five continents and has created cultural diversity workshops to promote social justice and cross-cultural awareness. She holds a BA in Economics with a concentration in International Relations from Clark University. Tami studied at the Ophelia DeVore School of Charm and the Fashion Institute of Technology, where she earned her Image Consultant Certification.
Etiquette CoachTaking ownership! Saying "I'm sorry if I offended you" doesn't accomplish anything, since you're pushing responsibility to the recipient. Instead, take ownership for what was said and how it hurt the other person. - QuestionShould I decorate the letter or keep it simple?
Community AnswerYou should keep it simple and professional. You don't want it to look like a joke or like you are not taking the apology seriously.
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Tips
- Simply say what you mean and mean what you say. Sincerity is key. If you make a promise, stick to it.Thanks
- You may have to bury your pride when you apologize. Pride gets you nothing; good relations can often become priceless.Thanks
- Make sure that your letter is not too short. Just two or three sentences will not do the trick here. Show the person that you put time and effort into this letter.Thanks
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Warnings
- Don't add anything that makes the person feel bad. They will not take the letter to heart, and probably won't forgive you.Thanks
- Remember that sorry doesn't magically fix everything. If the other person decides not to forgive you, move on and know that you tried.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://gallaudet.edu/student-success/tutorial-center/english-center/writing/how-to-write-letters/how-to-write-apologies/
- ↑ Tami Claytor. Etiquette Coach. Expert Interview. 16 February 2022.
- ↑ https://news.osu.edu/the-6-elements-of-an-effective-apology-according-to-science/
- ↑ Tami Claytor. Etiquette Coach. Expert Interview. 16 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.grammarly.com/blog/apology-letter/
- ↑ Tami Claytor. Etiquette Coach. Expert Interview. 16 February 2022.
- ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/making_an_effective_apology
- ↑ https://www.yourdictionary.com/articles/write-apology-letter
- ↑ https://www.grammarly.com/blog/apology-letter/
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/making_peace_through_apology
- ↑ https://www.plainlanguage.gov/resources/content-types/writing-effective-letters/
- ↑ Tami Claytor. Etiquette Coach. Expert Interview. 16 February 2022.
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-art-of-a-heartfelt-apology-2021041322366
- ↑ https://knowledge.wharton.upenn.edu/article/honest-apologies-can-help-leaders-organizations-rebound/
- ↑ https://www.yourdictionary.com/articles/write-apology-letter
- ↑ https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/subject_specific_writing/professional_technical_writing/basic_business_letters/index.html
About This Article
Etiquette Coach
This article was co-authored by Tami Claytor. Tami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach, Image Consultant, and the Owner of Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting in New York, New York. With over 20 years of experience, Tami specializes in teaching etiquette classes to individuals, students, companies, and community organizations. Tami has spent decades studying cultures through her extensive travels across five continents and has created cultural diversity workshops to promote social justice and cross-cultural awareness. She holds a BA in Economics with a concentration in International Relations from Clark University. Tami studied at the Ophelia DeVore School of Charm and the Fashion Institute of Technology, where she earned her Image Consultant Certification. This article has been viewed 2,096,089 times.
Co-authors: 66
Updated: April 12, 2024
Views: 2,096,089
Categories: Letter Writing
Article SummaryX
To write an apology letter, start by explaining right away that you're writing to apologize so the recipient isn't confused. Then, go on to explain what you're apologizing for and acknowledge that what you did was wrong. Let the person know that you understand how your actions have affected them, and accept responsibility for what happened. When you're writing your letter, avoid making excuses for what you did or your apology may not seem sincere. Finish your letter by offering to make things right in any way you can. If you want to learn more, like how to correct your actions with promises that you can keep, continue reading the article!
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