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This article was co-authored by Elvina Lui, MFT. Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.
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Having a relationship end can be a painful experience, particularly when your thoughts continually drift back to your ex. Whether your relationship just ended or you're still struggling to get past the hurt months later, you may feel that these constant thoughts are preventing you from moving on. However, a 2018 study suggests reframing your ex negatively, accepting your feelings, and distracting yourself from painful feelings can all be effective ways to eventually stop thinking about your ex and move on from the relationship.[1] By following the right techniques, you can accept that the relationship is over and finally stop thinking about your ex.
Steps
Grieve. The ending of a relationship can often feel similar to the death of a loved one. It's okay to mourn this loss.[2]- Painful emotions cannot simply be swept under the rug. In fact, you will find it much easier to move past your hurt if you confront your emotions without judgement.[3]
- Trying to suppress your thoughts will only make them stronger. You may even begin to dream about your ex if you don't allow yourself to experience your thoughts and emotions.[4]
- Cry if you want. It feels better when you let all that out, instead of keeping it bottled up inside you forever.
Talk with someone you trust. Sometimes you just need someone to listen rather than offer advice. Even if you cannot understand why it happened, talking about it can help you accept that the relationship is over.[5]- If you don't feel comfortable talking to a loved one about the breakup, consider seeing a therapist or joining an online support group.
- It might also help to have an imaginary conversation with your ex about all of your pent-up grievances. This will allow you to talk through all of your feelings without actually having to have contact with your ex, and may help you find closure.[6]
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Let go of anger. If you're obsessing about the terrible things you ex did to you, you will never be able to move on! No matter how angry you are, it's important to stop ruminating on these negative thoughts.[7]- When dealing with recurring thoughts, it's helpful to confront them head-on. Think about why you are having the thought, how the thought may be distorted or untrue, and what kind of negative effect the thought is having on you in the moment. The more you acknowledge your ruminations, the easier it will be to let go of them.
Be honest with yourself. After a breakup, people are often dishonest with themselves about the quality of the relationship or the reasons why it ended. It's important to carefully consider how happy you really were in the relationship and what caused the breakup. This will allow you to move past idealizing what might not have been a great relationship in the first place.[8]- It will also help to ask yourself what your role was in causing the breakup, as this might help you let go of some anger.
Get the help you need. A breakup can have seriously negative effects on your mental and physical well-being, especially if you find that you're still dwelling on it months later. Breakups have been associated with weakened immune systems and an increased risk of illness. People who have not gotten over a breakup within 16 weeks can even experience physical changes in their brains that reduce their motivation, concentration, and emotions. It is critical to get professional help before your physical health begins to suffer.[9]- A therapist can help by listening to you, encouraging you to confront your feelings, and teaching you new ways to do with your pain.
Remind yourself to let go. There are a variety of behavioral techniques you can try to stop obsessive thoughts about your ex. All of these techniques rely on your ability to recognize when a thought about your ex enters your mind and to take a specific action to stop that thought from coming back. Remember that these techniques are to be used for obsessive thoughts only! If you have not yet dealt with your feelings and taken the time to grieve, you should not try to suppress your thoughts.- You can try wearing a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it each time you think about your ex.
- You can write down the thoughts you are having about your ex on a piece of paper and then throw it away.
- You can try a visualization exercise, which requires you to visualize a specific scene whenever a thought of your ex occurs to you. For example, you could think of a stop sign in order to remind yourself that you need to stop what you are doing. If you do this consistently, the association should become automatic.
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Avoid contact with your ex. Even if you think you want to be friends with your ex, it's important to give yourself some time away from him or her. You must fully heal before you can begin spending time with your ex again.- If you don't allow for any healing time, you may continue to think of your ex as your partner because your bond as a couple will not have been broken.
- Take a moment to think about why you want to be friends. If it's because you're scared about living your life without your ex, you may be using it as a way to avoid dealing with the grief of the breakup.
- Most people do not end up being friends with their exes. Don't feel bad if it just doesn't feel right, even after you've had your time to grieve.
Get rid of shared belongings. If you find yourself thinking about your ex whenever you look at the watch he got you for Christmas or the DVD collection you bought together, it might be time to part with these things.[10]- If you don't want to throw items away, consider donating them to charity.
- Remove any pictures of your ex from your house.
- If you lived together and you can't get rid of all of your shared belongings, it might help to revitalize your space with some new energy by changing the paint color or reorganizing the furniture. This will help it feel like your own place instead of the place you shared with your ex.
Avoid checking up on your ex. You will never be able to stop thinking about your ex if you are getting status updates about him or her on your phone all the time. Even if things did not end with animosity, it may be a good idea to unfriend your ex on social media. Similarly, it's a good idea to stop driving past your ex's house on your way to work or asking your mutual friends about how your ex is doing. [11]- Reader Poll: We asked 279 How.com.vn readers about how they use social media after a breakup, and 48% of them said that they block their ex and make their profile private. [Take Poll]
Alter your daily routine. People often develop a routine with their significant others, and following the same routine after you break up can emphasize feelings of loneliness and trigger thoughts about them. Create a new routine all your own. Instead of making your signature Saturday breakfast, try taking a walk and trying out a new cafe.
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Be social. Surrounding yourself with friends and loved ones will help keep your mind on all of the positive aspects of your life, and off of your ex. It's also important to commit yourself to the hobbies and activities that you most enjoy, especially if your ex kept you from pursuing them.[12]- If your social life revolved around your ex, it's important to get out there and make new friends. Try joining clubs or participating in volunteer activities to meet new people.
- If you relied on your ex for emotional support, try relying on someone other than a romantic partner for this kind of support, like a best friend or a sibling. You might be surprised to discover just how much support you really have![13]
- Staying busy really will help you move on faster. If you find yourself thinking obsessively about your ex when you are at home alone, come up with something to do, whether it's having dinner with a friend, visiting a museum by yourself, or going for a walk.[14]
Think about your future. You may have planned a future with your ex, and if you did, it's understandable that everything might feel uncertain now. Try to focus on the positives by reminding yourself of all of the great things you can and will accomplish in the future without your ex.[15]- Try to enjoy your present-day life as well. Even though you may want to be in a relationship, there are lots of benefits to being single too, so try to enjoy it while it lasts.
Focus on taking care of yourself. In order to boost your mood, it's important to practice healthy habits. Make sure you exercise regularly and get plenty of sleep. Committing yourself to a healthy lifestyle will not only make you feel good, but it may just offer you the escape you need from thoughts about your ex.[16]- Meditating might help you regain your positivity and let go of the stress associated with your breakup.
Find new love when you're ready. There's no golden rule for when you should start dating again after a breakup, so do whatever you feel is right for you. Avoid jumping into a new relationship just because you don't want to be alone, but don't be afraid to put yourself out there either![17]- Some people struggle with continuing to think about their exes even though they are in new, healthy relationships. If this is the case for you, it will do no good to simply try to suppress those thoughts. Instead, actively replace the thought with a memory of a time when you felt a lot of love for your current partner. Love is a strong emotion that can help you resist the temptation to contact your ex.[18]
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Expert Q&A
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- QuestionDo you recommend removing reminders of a partner from your home?
Elvina Lui, MFTElvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model.
Relationship ExpertIf you're asking yourself this question, you are not done grieving the loss, because if you were done grieving, you would have boxed up or even disposed of the items. It takes time, but one day you'll be ready to put their things away. I don't think it should be or can be rushed. What's the use of forcing yourself to put the this away if you're not ready? It just hurts more, it is more sad for you to rush yourself.
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Tips
- Healing after a breakup takes time, so be patient with yourself.Thanks
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Warnings
- Though emotions after a breakup can be very powerful, never threaten your ex either verbally or physically, or threaten to harm yourself to make them feel guilty.Thanks
- If your feelings of hurt and anger after a breakup become all consuming and lead to thoughts of suicide, immediately talk with someone or seek professional help from a therapist or counselor. Suicide hotlines operate 24 hours a day.[19]Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-37800-001
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200811/the-art-now-six-steps-living-in-the-moment
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mental-mishaps/201505/how-stop-thinking-about-someone
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-true-love/200909/relationship-advice-breaking-hurts-real-and-how-recover-faster
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-dance-connection/201403/the-real-reason-you-cant-stop-hating-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/naked-truth/201510/why-can-t-i-get-over-my-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-true-love/200909/relationship-advice-breaking-hurts-real-and-how-recover-faster
- ↑ http://www.womansdivorce.com/get-over-your-ex.html
- ↑ http://www.womansdivorce.com/get-over-your-ex.html
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dating-decisions/201209/how-get-over-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201103/10-tips-survive-break
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-true-love/200909/relationship-advice-breaking-hurts-real-and-how-recover-faster
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201305/10-things-remember-after-break
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mental-mishaps/201505/how-stop-thinking-about-someone
- ↑ http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
About This Article
Relationship Expert
This article was co-authored by Elvina Lui, MFT. Elvina Lui is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationship counseling based in the San Francisco Bay Area. Elvina received her Masters in Counseling from Western Seminary in 2007 and trained under the Asian Family Institute in San Francisco and the New Life Community Services in Santa Cruz. She has over 13 years of counseling experience and is trained in the harm reduction model. This article has been viewed 795,142 times.
Co-authors: 57
Updated: April 19, 2024
Views: 795,142
Categories: Featured Articles | Former Relationships
Article SummaryX
It can be really hard to stop thinking about your ex, especially after a painful breakup. To help yourself move on, take time to grieve and let yourself experience your emotions. It’s normal to have those feelings, but do your best to let them pass without ruminating or obsessing over them. If you find yourself focusing on negative thoughts or emotions too much, gently remind yourself to let go. You might find it helpful to write them down on a piece of paper, then throw the paper away. Or try a visualization exercise, like picturing someone holding up a stop sign every time you focus on your anger about your ex. It can also help to talk to someone you trust, whether it’s a friend, a family member, or a therapist. They can offer advice or just listen when you need to vent. While you’re recovering from your breakup, get rid of reminders of your ex. For example, block or unfollow them on social media and delete their number from your phone. Put away or get rid of pictures, gifts, and shared belongings that remind you of them. Focusing on distractions can also be a great way to move on from your ex, so look for things to do that you enjoy, like spending time with friends or working on hobbies. Don’t forget to take care of yourself by eating well, exercising, and getting plenty of sleep. For more tips from our Relationship co-author, like how to start looking for new love after a break-up, keep reading!
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