Download ArticleHow to recover from a breakup and feel like yourself again
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This article was co-authored by Amy Chan and by How.com.vn staff writer, Aly Rusciano. Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals in just 7 years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.
There are 12 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 1,247,469 times.
There’s no denying that breakups are painful. A big part of your life has changed; how can you ever move on? Getting over someone you loved may seem impossible, but there is hope. By processing your emotions and disconnecting from the relationship, you can focus on finding yourself again—coming back from the relationship stronger than ever! So, if you’re ready to move on and get over your ex, keep reading because we have the perfect advice for you.
Things You Should Know
- Keep yourself busy with exercise or hobbies to take your mind off your ex.
- Vent to someone you trust, like a close friend or family member. Getting your feelings off your chest can help you feel better emotionally.
- Get rid of things that remind you of your ex and unfollow them on social media to help yourself disconnect from the relationship.
Steps
Share your feelings with someone you trust. Talking about your feelings can help you process your emotions after a breakup. Sit down with a loved one or therapist and let everything out. Tell them about the breakup and explain how you’re feeling. Sometimes vocalizing your concerns and frustrations can help you feel better.[1]- Start the conversation with something like, “Hey. This breakup has been really hard. Do you mind if I vent a little?”
- Ask your trusted person for advice if you need it, but know that you don’t need to take any advice until you’re ready.
- Alternatively, write your feelings down in a letter. Then, tear the letter up, throw it away, or burn it. This can be a cathartic way to release negative energy and process what you’re experiencing.
- Know that feeling a slew of emotions after a breakup is okay. There isn’t a right or wrong way to feel—your emotions are valid.[2]
Examine the reasons why your ex isn’t right for you. After a breakup, it can be easy to idealize your ex. There’s nothing wrong with reminiscing on the good times you had together, but also focus on why the relationship didn’t work. Perhaps you’re better off as friends, or they showed a quality you couldn’t look past. Either way, reflect on why things ended to find closure.[3]- Take a moment to consider what you want in an ideal partner. What did your ex lack that you hope your next partner doesn’t?
- Think about what you’ve learned from the relationship. Maybe you need to work on setting boundaries or want to be more open with your next partner.
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Start a gratitude journal to identify what you’re thankful for. During a breakup, it can be easy to focus on the negatives. Take a deep breath, open a notebook or notes app, and jot down what you’re grateful for. Start with the simple things like your home, pet, and family. Then, get more specific. Writing 3 to 5 things you’re grateful for each day can help you feel more positive about life.[4]- Nothing is too small to write down. For instance, your morning cup of Joe, the way the sun shines through the clouds, or kisses from your puppy are all incredible things to be grateful for.
Move your body to counteract negative emotions. When you feel strong emotions like sadness, anger, and stress, your body can tense up. An easy way to release this negative energy is to shake your body. Start at your shoulders and slowly move down to your feet, shaking yourself as you go. As you do this, imagine the tension leaving your body.[5]- Go for a walk or run or do a strenuous workout to move your body even more.
Confront the belief that you won’t find love again. Breakups are undeniably painful, and, in the moment, you may start to think that you’ll never find the right person for you. Do your best to push these intrusive thoughts aside. Just because a relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean there’s no hope. Keep an open mind—you still have a future.[6]- Use positive affirmations to give yourself a confidence boost. Try saying something like “I am worthy of love” or “I am strong” in the mirror.
- Make a list of the people you admire who aren’t in a relationship—you don’t need to have a partner to be awesome!
- When you’re ready, don’t be afraid to reenter the dating scene. The more people you socialize and mingle with, the more likely you are to find your perfect match.
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Keep yourself busy for 2 to 3 weeks after a breakup. There’s no denying that going through a breakup is painful and frustrating. One simple way to help yourself move on and feel like yourself again is to stay busy. Pack your schedule with fun and uplifting activities to distract yourself—focus on activities that help you feel happy.[7]- Try spending 15 to 60 minutes each morning focusing on the day’s intentions by meditating or journaling.
- Sign up for a fitness class to move your body and meet new people.
- Schedule a spa or massage appointment after work or school.
- Make time each day to work on a new hobby, like diamond painting or embroidery.
- Invite your friends over for a game or movie night.
- Read a book you’ve always wanted to read.
- Keep in mind that distracting yourself shouldn’t be your only coping mechanism; it’s also important to reflect on and feel your emotions—you don’t have to live in them.
Stick to a routine to care for yourself after a breakup. More often than not, breakups can be jarring to your schedule, especially if you lived or worked closely with your ex. Creating a sense of structure can help you go through the movements of everyday life and focus on yourself. Make a routine that works for you and your goals, scheduling in plenty of time to do things you enjoy. For instance, take a look at this example schedule:[8]- 6 AM: Wake up.
- 6:30 AM: Go for a morning walk or do a yoga flow.
- 7 AM: Eat breakfast and get ready for the day.
- 8 AM to 5 PM: Go to work or school.
- 6 PM: Grab dinner with friends.
- 7 PM: Do an evening workout, go to the gym, or attend a fitness class.
- 9 PM: Wind down for the night by watching a movie, reading, or knitting.
Engage in activities that make you feel good. Replacing the dopamine boost you got from the relationship may help you feel better post-breakup. Do at least 1 activity every day that makes you feel great. Pick things that are healthy for you and support your lifestyle goals. Here are some ideas:[9]- Exercise for at least 30 minutes daily.
- Take an art or cooking class.
- Join a recreational sports team.
- Get a pet if you want one.
- Join a writing or book club.
- Volunteer for a cause you care about.
Surround yourself with friends and family. Having a support system can make a big difference when you’re going through a breakup. Reach out to loved ones and ask if they have time to hang out. Talking about the breakup isn’t a necessity—something as simple as watching a movie or going shopping together can help you feel loved.[10]- Don’t be afraid to text a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Now is the perfect time to rekindle friendships and build your social circle.
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Reduce communication with your ex and go no-contact. Removing all forms of communication with your ex can help you move on faster. Not only is this a great way to give yourself space, but it also provides an opportunity to discover yourself outside of the relationship. Use the no contact rule for 1 to 2 months and avoid texting, calling, or DMing your ex.[11]- Let your ex know you need space for a designated time, so they won’t try contacting you repeatedly. Try sending a quick text saying something like, “Hey. I need to take some time for myself to process things. Maybe we can discuss things in a month, but I need space right now.”
- At the end of the no-contact timeframe, ask yourself if you’re ready to contact your ex again. If you’re not, that’s perfectly okay—do what’s best for you.
Get rid of physical reminders of your ex. Seeing things that remind you of your ex can be painful reminders of what could’ve been. Go through your living space and remove anything that makes you think of them. Take down photos, shove gifts into the closet, and store mementos away.[12]- Ask a friend or family member to hold onto the items if you don’t currently want them in your space. When the time is right, take back the items to store away or discard.
- If you know you’ll never want something of theirs again, consider donating it. A sweatshirt or blanket could make someone else’s day that much brighter.
Do a digital detox to avoid reminders of your ex. Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat can be full of reminders of your ex and past relationship. Spend some time off social media and/or do one or more of these things to digitally remove yourself from the relationship:[13]- Unfollow their social media pages.
- Delete your ex’s text or email messages.
- Block their phone number.
- Save your relationship photos to a folder you can access later, then delete them.
- Reader Poll: We asked 435 How.com.vn readers, and 54% of them agreed that the best way to handle social media after a breakup is by doing a 2-week digital detox. [Take Poll]
Focus on yourself instead of worrying about what your ex is doing. We know it may sound impossible, but worrying about your ex can cause you to spiral. Rather than focusing on what they might be doing, focus on you. Concentrate on a hobby and work on fixing your own needs.- Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” and then satisfy that need.
- When you catch yourself thinking about your ex, turn your attention to a hobby or interest, like learning to play guitar, working out, or beating a video game’s high score.
Say “no” to post-breakup hookups with your ex. It’s normal to feel tempted to meet up with your ex but doing so can actually make you feel worse. Sex may sound good in the moment, but it may stir up old emotions and reverse the emotional progress you’ve made. Block their number and set clear boundaries for yourself. A conversation may not even be ideal until you’ve fully processed and healed from the breakup.- Fill your friends or family members in on where you currently stand with your ex. This way, they can remind you of your boundaries if you ever feel tempted.
- If you know your ex will be somewhere you want to go, ask a friend to tag along with you for moral support.
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Focus on existing relationships and make new friends. Healthy friendships can help you become a stronger and more independent person. Plus, having a support system is always great in times of need, especially right after a breakup. Spend time with the people you care about most, work on reconnecting with old friends, and put yourself out there.[14]- Go to local events to meet new people from your community.
- Sign up for a fitness or art class to meet people with similar interests.
- Schedule regular check-ins with friends and family where you meet up for dinner or catch a movie.
Pursue interests you set aside during your relationship. In some relationships, partners may put aside hobbies or interests to focus on one another. One of the many benefits of not being in a committed relationship is that you can focus on these interests again! Regain a part of yourself you may have lost in the relationship by focusing on your happiness alone.[15]- For instance, you may have given up your gym membership because you never had time to go. Now is the time to renew it!
- Perhaps you stopped painting or doing photography because you were spending more time with your ex. Break out your equipment and dive back in.
Start a new passion project to refill your cup. Pick a goal you’ve always wanted to accomplish or something that’s interested you. Then, make a list of steps you can take to start working on it. Dedicate a block of time each day to work on your goal. Working on something you're passionate about for you and you alone can help you feel happier, fulfilled, and more independent.[16]- For instance, perhaps you’ve had a book idea brewing for years. Schedule time each day to start writing and work toward having your own printed book in your hands.
- Maybe you've always wanted to learn more about photography. Sign up for a photography course and complete an assignment each week until you pass.
Try new things to experience something different. Life is full of incredible opportunities, and who says you need to be in a relationship to experience them? Create a bucket list of everything you want to do in life. Then, spend each weekend doing one of your listed activities. Saying “yes” more often not only helps you feel empowered, but it also provides new and exciting life experiences.[17]- For example, maybe you’ve never tried Indian food before. Head to an authentic Indian restaurant one evening to finally try it.
- Sign up for a pottery class with your best friend if you’ve always wanted to mold clay by hand.
Visualize the future you want for yourself. Picture yourself in 1, 5, or 10 years from now. Where do you want to be? Think about how you want to live and what type of things you want to do. Then, write down what you hope to accomplish so you can start working toward those goals. Envisioning a life you love can help you move on from your ex and craft the perfect life for yourself.[18]- If thinking too far ahead is nerve-racking, ask yourself, “Who do I want to be tomorrow?” and then work from there.
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- QuestionDo I need my ex back after he hurt me twice?
Community AnswerNope. Unless he's working hard in therapy to understand and overcome the reason(s) he hurt you the first two times, he will likely only hurt you a third time if you get back together.
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Tips
- Don’t hesitate to chat with a therapist or counselor if you’re feeling anxious or depressed. Everyone needs a little extra help every once and a while.Thanks
- Avoid rushing into a new relationship right away. Take time to heal emotionally and focus on yourself before you start dating again.Thanks
- Keep in mind that there’s no set timeframe for getting over an ex. For instance, it could take as little as 3 months or up to 1 year.Thanks
Tips from our Readers 
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of How.com.vn readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on How.com.vn, please submit it in the field below.
- Lean on close friends and family, venting feelings or just enjoying their company. Focusing on these healthy connections builds your sense of self-worth.
- Make a conscious effort not to check their social media pages. Seeing glimpses into their life can stir up painful emotions and set back your healing.
- Establish a consistent self-care routine with favorite hobbies, adequate sleep, nutrition and exercise. Structured days foster emotional resilience.
- Assign symbolic meaning when removing lingering traces of your ex, like gaining closure. This mindset shift helps the process feel empowering.
- Celebrate and congratulate yourself for each accomplishment or milestone in moving forward. Progress takes time, so acknowledge small wins.
- When the doubt that you'll find love again arises, counter those thoughts with affirmations like "I am worthy of an amazing partner."
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References
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://mhanational.org/separation-and-divorce
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201603/is-your-brain-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-gratitude/201512/break-blues-13-thoughts-help-you-recover
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/exercise-and-stress/art-20044469
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/head-games/201806/3-ways-get-over-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/head-games/201806/3-ways-get-over-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/7-mistakes-you-need-avoid-after-breakup
- ↑ https://www.instyle.com/lifestyle/hump-day/no-contact-rule
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/7-mistakes-you-need-avoid-after-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201612/4-reasons-stay-out-contact-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/7-mistakes-you-need-avoid-after-breakup
- ↑ https://mhanational.org/separation-and-divorce
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/automatic-you/202302/one-question-to-ask-yourself-to-know-your-future
About This Article
Relationship Coach
This article was co-authored by Amy Chan and by How.com.vn staff writer, Aly Rusciano. Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals in just 7 years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times. This article has been viewed 1,247,469 times.
Co-authors: 110
Updated: April 29, 2024
Views: 1,247,469
Categories: Featured Articles | Former Relationships
Article SummaryX
If you’re struggling to get over your ex, focus on looking after yourself, finding ways to express your emotions, and getting rid of things that remind you of them. For example, treat yourself to nice things to help lift your spirits, like a special cup of coffee or a spa treatment. To distract yourself from the pain, choose an activity that helps you focus on the present, like a game night with friends. When you're ready, talk about your feelings with a close friend or family member you can trust, since sharing your emotions can help you manage them. Additionally, think about your ex’s bad qualities to help you realize that your relationship wasn’t meant to be. Physical signs of your ex, like photos or gifts, will only keep you living in the past, so throw them out or pack them away so they’re out of sight. For tips from our Relationship co-author on how to maintain good relationships with your friends while you’re going through a break-up, read on!
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