How to Let Go of Anger

Anger is a natural response to being hurt, but over time, hanging onto anger can affect your body and mind. Fortunately, we're here to help you learn to release your anger and resentment so you can protect your own well-being.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Acknowledging Your Anger

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1
Understand anger. It's important to learn how to let go of your anger, not just for your psychological health, but also for your physical health. Part of letting go of anger involves forgiveness, and forgiveness can have a deterrent effect, making it less likely for people to hurt you again in the future.^{[1]XResearch source}
- When someone betrays or hurts you, it can have a negative effect on your health through increased anxiety and stress. This can negatively impact your cardiac,^{[2]XResearch source} immune, and nervous systems.^{[3]XResearch source}
2
Identify the problem.^{[4]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source} Figure out what, specifically, you feel hurt over. Only in identifying the loss or underlying problem can you begin to confront that issue and let go of it. It's also important to understand whether the other person knows that she has hurt you.^{[5]XExpert SourceCatherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed PsychologistExpert Interview. 29 December 2020.} This will impact how you begin reconciling.^{[6]XResearch source}
- For instance, if a spouse cheated on you or left you, you would understandably feel angry. The sense of loss you feel likely stems from the loss of being loved and being appreciated or respected. Furthermore, your spouse likely understands the way that she has hurt you.
- Alternatively, if a friend has an extra ticket to a concert and does not invite you, you may feel a loss of friendship and camaraderie that drives you to sorrow and anger. However, your friend may be unaware that your feelings were hurt.
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3
Let yourself grieve. Interpersonal conflict and resolution can be thought of as a grieving process. For example, when someone hurts you, it can feel as though you have lost that person. The stages of grief are helpful for understanding your emotions after you are hurt. They can also help you understand how your anger is a part of the grieving process and therefore, can help you let go of your anger.^{[7]XResearch source}
- If the hurt has to do with a breakup or other type of indefinite separation, then that loss may seem permanent. If the hurt has to do with being overlooked, forgotten, or otherwise disrespected then it can seem as though you lost that person temporarily by losing their attention or respect.
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Temporarily avoid the person who hurt you. Anger can get out of control when tension escalates between you and the person who hurt you.^{[8]XResearch source} Wait to interact until you've processed your grief and moved on to a more accepting stage.
- It's important that the other person move on the grieving process as well, so that anger is not directed at you when you interact. Even if the other person is the one that hurt you, she can still feel a sense of loss and regret.

Quiz

How.com.vn Quiz: Do I Have Anger Issues?

Anger: we all feel it sometimes, whether it's a flash of irritation or a period of boiling rage. On its own, it can be a perfectly valid, healthy, and understandable feeling—but it’s less than ideal if red-hot anger is becoming your default reaction to most events and situations. While only a licensed mental health professional can gauge if you have anger issues or not, it’s super easy (and important!) to keep tabs on how you’re thinking and feeling. Take this quiz to do a quick check-in with yourself.

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The person in front of you in line is taking a super long time. How are you feeling?

I’m totally cool! I’m sure they’ll be done soon.

It’s a little annoying, but it’s not the end of the world.

I can’t lie—I’m pretty frustrated.

I’m so done. Hurry it up, will you?!

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Dealing with Your Anger

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1
Scream. There are times when a person feels so angry that he or she feels the desire to scream. If you are facing this sort of anger right now, pause your reading and go scream into a pillow. Screaming offers you a physical release. Studies have shown that crying it out can release toxins that are built up by stress.^{[9]XResearch source}
- As a word of caution, you should try to make sure that your scream is well-muffled by the sound of your pillow to avoid worrying any neighbors.
- Reader Poll: We asked 184 How.com.vn readers about the best way to deal with anger, and only 8% of them said visualizing a happy place. [Take Poll] If you feel angry, try screaming or taking deep breaths to calm yourself, instead.
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Metaphorically throw your anger away. If there are a lot of details about a given situation that make you upset, you can find something symbolic to represent these components of your anger before throwing those symbolic elements away. For example,
- You can collect stones alongside a river and throw them into the water after you have assigned a component of your anger to each one.^{[10]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
3
Replace resentment with compassion. Another way to put this would be to “walk in the other person's shoes.” Consider the reasons the offending party may have had for acting in a hurtful way. You might never completely understand another's motivations, nor may you agree with them upon identifying them, but it is easier to let go of anger towards someone after you spend a little time in her head.^{[11]XExpert SourceCatherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed PsychologistExpert Interview. 29 December 2020.}^{[12]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good in ActionAn initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful lifeGo to source}
- If possible, remind yourself that the other person didn't realize she was hurting you. If she did consciously hurt you, think about what led her to do so.
4
Determine if reconciliation is an option. Understand that forgiveness does not automatically lead to reconciliation. If you suspect that the party responsible for triggering your anger feels remorseful and wants to make amends, reconciliation might work out.^{[13]XResearch source}
- On the other hand, if the other party is not open to setting things right, or if the nature of the pain is such that you can never trust the other person again, reconciliation might not seem like an option.
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Forgive. Recognize that you alone can forgive. Completely letting go of anger means forgiving the person who has hurt you. However, forgiveness is not for everyone at all times.^{[14]XResearch source} Forced or feigned forgiveness is of little benefit to anyone, least of all yourself. It's important to thoroughly process your hurt, control your anger, and decide if/when forgiveness is right for you.
- Understand that forgiving someone may not prompt the other person to change her behavior. The purpose of forgiveness, in this sense, is to cleanse yourself of the anger and resentment building inside you. Forgiveness is for your own benefit and is an internal necessity, not an external one.
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Take responsibility for your own actions. There can be a lot of blame during the anger stage.^{[15]XResearch source} It's important to reflect on your own role in the situation and accept responsibility for whatever role you played. This doesn't mean that you can't acknowledge the poor treatment given to you by the other party. It simply means that if you did wrong, you should be honest about it, especially if you ever plan to reconcile.
- Accepting responsibility can start with eliminating negative emotions. One way to do this is to make a list of the 3 to 5 strongest negative emotions you feel, and think about how to substitute the negative emotion for a good one.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Processing Your Emotions

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1
Look for the positive. Examine any ways that your pain has helped you to grow as an individual. Look for benefits or unexpected positives and cling to them to help you cope. If you can't look at the good brought about from a hurtful situation, then look at other positives in your life and other things you can be thankful for.^{[16]XResearch source}
- Consider if your pain has put you onto a new path leading to good things that you may not have experienced had you missed that path completely.
2
Leave a positive influence on the world. You can let your anger spill out and affect those around you, but then you would only be spreading it and making those negative feelings stronger. By consciously deciding to spread a positive influence to others, you can transform the way you handle social interactions in a way that leads to less anger.^{[17]XResearch source}
- Surround yourself with positive people. Simply put, by exposing yourself to the optimism and positive thoughts expressed by other people, you introduce positive thinking back into your own life. As time progresses, you may even start to develop positive thoughts of your own to replace your anger.
3
Write a letter or a journal. If you keep a diary or journal, write about your anger as often as necessary to help you release it. If you do not have a journal, you can write an angry letter to the person who triggered your anger to get the feelings off your chest. Do not actually send the letter, though.^{[18]XExpert SourceCatherine Boswell, PhD
Licensed PsychologistExpert Interview. 29 December 2020.}
- Sending the letter is almost always a bad idea. It can easily be viewed as retaliation or be poorly received, which could escalate problems.^{[19]XResearch source} Even if you phrase it as politely as possible, the other party is likely to take it poorly, especially if she is suffering from low self-esteem or other personal pain.
4
Exercise or take up a hobby. Exercise provides you with a positive physical release for your anger. Choose a form of exercise that you enjoy. Take a walk in a scenic park, go for a refreshing swim, or shoot some hoops. The key is to take the energy you feel that could be channeled into anger and channel it into something more positive for yourself.^{[20]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Medical SchoolHarvard Medical School's Educational Site for the PublicGo to source}
- If you are not a big fan of exercise, you can start small by taking more walks, channeling your energy into picking up a new hobby, or doing something nice for your friends or family.
5
Turn to your faith or meditate. If you believe in God, pray for the strength and willingness to let go of your anger. When letting go of anger seems out of your ability to handle, petitioning for divine help can help soften your heart enough to let you release that anger for good. Whether you believe in any particular faith or not, meditation is a good way to stabilize your body, mind, and soul. There are many types of meditation you can try, so choose which is best for you and your needs.
- Consult with a religious leader at your center of worship or others who share your faith for support and guidance. Read from your faith's scriptural texts, or read spiritual books written on the matter of anger and forgiveness.
6
Avoid social functions as necessary. If someone who makes you angry will be at a social engagement and you want to avoid the temptation of getting into an argument or stirring up old feelings of resentment, there is nothing wrong with skipping that social event, even if others do not entirely understand why.
- At the same time, you should also avoid letting the person who makes you angry ruin your life. If the two of you share most of your friends, go out of your way to schedule time with your friends away from the offender's company.