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This article was written by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP and by How.com.vn staff writer, Annabelle Reyes. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.
There are 15 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 9,186 times.
Being cheated on is a traumatic experience, and this shock to your system can leave you reeling. Why did the infidelity occur? Will you be able to get through this with your partner? What will happen if the relationship ends? If you’re struggling with overthinking after infidelity, you’re not alone, and it’s completely normal to feel hurt. Whether you decide to work through things with your partner or end the relationship, we’ve compiled all the information you need to stop overthinking after infidelity. Keep reading to learn about why you're overthinking and how to fight it, so you can move forward and heal.
This article is based on an interview with our clinical therapist and adjunct professor, Rebecca Tenzer, owner of Astute Counseling Services. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Being cheated on is a traumatic experience that can negatively impact your mental health. It can increase stress, anxiety, and overthinking.
- You can combat overthinking by practicing mindfulness, cultivating self-compassion, and prioritizing self-care.
- If you choose to stay in the relationship, you can put a stop to overthinking by scheduling check-ins with your partner, working on communication, and seeing a couples therapist.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
How to Stop Overthinking After Infidelity
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Work on self-compassion. Self-compassion involves recognizing when you’re struggling and being kind to yourself in those moments.[1] This can help you ruminate less, decrease resentment, and improve emotional resilience, so you can bounce back after this tough experience.[2]- Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love.
- Imagine your best friend going through what you’re going through. What kind words would you say to them? Now direct these words of compassion toward yourself.[3]
- Remember, you deserve the same kindness you would show to others!
- Befriend the part of yourself that’s overthinking, rather than fighting it.
- Think of this as a chance to get to know yourself better, so that you can address your emotional needs.
- Allow yourself to feel your negative emotions without judgment. Being cheated on is a painful experience, and it will take time to heal.
- Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love.
Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness involves focusing on what you’re feeling in the present moment without judging yourself.[4] It’s harder to worry about the future or ruminate on the past when you’re truly living in the moment, which is why mindfulness can be such a powerful tool to fight overthinking.[5] Try out mindfulness meditation to get started with a mindful lifestyle.- Sit down in a quiet place and focus on what you’re experiencing.
- Feel the flow of your breath, and let any thoughts that come up pass without judgment.[6]
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Prioritize self-care. Infidelity can take a heavy toll on your physical and mental health.[7] Incorporate self-care into your routine to show yourself some kindness during this tough time. If you have a favorite hobby, like reading, hiking, or playing an instrument, incorporate these things into your schedule. If you’re feeling tired or run-down, have a cozy night in, or treat yourself to a spa day.
Build your self-worth. Infidelity can make you question your identity and worry that you weren’t enough for your partner.[8] Remember, infidelity can happen for all sorts of reasons, and many of them have nothing to do with how your partner feels about you. Major life changes, stressful periods, and mental health issues can all contribute to a partner's infidelity, even if your relationship is strong.[9]- Try reciting positive affirmations to rebuild your self-esteem.
- Repeat phrases like “I am worthy” or “I deserve love” to combat any negative thoughts and build yourself up.
Break free from “What ifs.” After being cheated on, it’s normal to struggle with never ending “what ifs.” Unchecked, these thoughts can leave you in an anxiety spiral, so it’s important to challenge them. Every time your brain hits you with a “what if,” stop the spiral with an “if then” statement.[10] These responses will remind you that, even in the worst-case scenario, it’s possible to move forward.- Worry: “What if time passes, and I still can’t forgive my partner?”
- Response: “If that happens, then I’ll look into couples counselors to see if they can help.”
- Worry: “What if my partner cheats again?”
- Response: “If that happens, then I’ll either work through it with my partner, or I’ll end things. Either way, I’ll be okay.”
- Worry: “What if the relationship ends?”
- Response: “If that happens, then I’ll take time to heal and move on, and in the future, I’ll find the right match for me.”
- Worry: “What if time passes, and I still can’t forgive my partner?”
Schedule a “worry period.” When you’re overthinking, it can feel like it’s taking over your life. To combat this, schedule a 30-minute window to be your daily “worry period.” During this time, let yourself feel all your anxieties, and write them down. Then go through your list and pick out the worries that you can problem-solve.- If anxieties come up at different times throughout the day, try not to engage, and remind yourself that you’ll have time to go over them during your worry period.[11]
- This can help you get some control so that your anxious thoughts don’t dominate your day.
Use healthy distractions. Overthinking is complicated, and simply telling yourself to stop doesn’t usually work. Healthy distractions can help you occupy your mind with other things, so that you have less room for overthinking.[12] Spend time with friends or family, go out for some exercise, or watch a movie to help shift your attention away from your anxious thoughts.
Lean on your loved ones. You might feel like isolating yourself after a romantic betrayal, but it’s important to lean on your support system during this difficult time.[13] Spend time with friends or family, and if you feel comfortable, talk to them about what happened. Processing this situation with the people you trust can be helpful and healing.[14]- If you’re struggling with daily tasks, ask your support system for practical help, too.
- Friends or family members can bring over takeout, drop off groceries, or help you tidy up your home.
- Remember, everyone needs support sometimes, and your loved ones will want to be there for you!
Take a pause. If you’re overthinking about whether or not to leave your relationship, you don’t have to make any big choices right away. If you try to rush these decisions before you’re ready, you might end up acting out of fear or anger, rather than thinking about what you actually want.[15] Give yourself a few days to process and accept this new reality before making any major calls.- If you live with your partner, take you might want to take some space. Ask a friend or family member if you can stay with them for a few days, or spend some time at a hotel.
Get closure if you need it. You might be overthinking because you don’t know the full story. Sometimes, when you don’t have the details, you can get stuck obsessing over what could have happened. Ask for the the clarifications you need to understand your new reality and move forward.[16]- The date and time of the infidelity, the setting, and the identity of the person your partner cheated with are all details that might help you process the situation.
- Remember, getting clarity doesn’t mean endlessly rehashing things with your partner. Repetitive interrogation can be damaging for you both. [17]
- Have the conversation to get the closure you need, but don’t endlessly revisit it.
Schedule check-ins. If you choose to stay with your partner after infidelity, the cheating could become a constant topic of conversation. This isn’t healthy for either of you. Constantly rehashing the situation can increase anxiety and overthinking. To combat this, schedule a regular check-in to talk about the infidelity, and try to avoid the topic outside of this scheduled time.[18]- This allows you both space to talk about the infidelity without letting it take over all your conversations.
Work on communication. If you stay with your partner and still struggle with overthinking, communication problems might be to blame. Not validating each other’s emotions or lacking empathy for each other can lead to disconnection and overthinking. Work on communication skills to strengthen your relationship and move forward together.- Practice active listening to show each other that you’re paying attention.
- Use engaged body language and react to what your partner is saying. Face each other and make eye contact.
- Take turns talking, and try not to interrupt while your partner is speaking.
- Schedule a general relationship check-in on a weekly basis. During this time, answer these questions together:
- How are we feeling about our relationship today?
- Is there any unfinished business from the past week we need to discuss?
- How can I make you feel more loved in the coming week?
- Practice active listening to show each other that you’re paying attention.
Discuss your boundaries together. Each couple defines exclusivity in their own way. For some, this means not engaging in physically intimate acts with other people. For others, texting and DMing count as cheating. After infidelity, your boundaries around exclusivity might change. Things you used to be comfortable with might make you overthink now. Tell your partner how you're feeling to avoid any misunderstandings.- Maybe you were okay with your partner grabbing coffee with an ex before the cheating, but now, it makes you uncomfortable.
- Express this new boundary to your partner so you're on the same page.
Build empathy. If you decide to stay with your partner, empathy can help you both move forward.[19] Cultivating empathy isn’t about excusing their behavior—you didn’t deserve to be hurt, and their infidelity was not acceptable. It’s more about seeing each other as vulnerable, imperfect and human, so that you can have grace for each other and heal.- Remember, it’s totally normal for this process to take time, and you don’t need to rush things.
- Be patient and gentle with yourself as you work on understanding your partner’s point of view.
See a professional. Whether or not you decide to stay in the relationship, consider seeing a therapist to help you work through your feelings. If the relationship ends, individual therapy can help you process your emotions and move on.[20] If you stay in the relationship, couples therapy can help you work through things together and provide a third party to mediate difficult conversations.- Ask a trusted friend or family member for a referral if they work with a therapist, or check out online directories to choose the right therapist for you.[21]
- Take your time researching and contacting potential therapists before making your choice. It can take some time to find the right match!
- Alterntively, some spiritual people find that their religion ca help them get through the pain of infidelity. If you think that could be the case for you, reach out to a leader or advisor within your church or religion to talk things through.
- Reader Poll: We asked 722 How.com.vn readers who’ve dealt with cheating, and 72% of them agreed that turning to God and religion is a helpful way to cope with your feelings after discovering an affair. [Take Poll]
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Section 2 of 3:
Why You’re Overthinking After Infidelity
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Your mental health took a hit. Research suggests that infidelity can cause increased anxiety, depression, and stress.[22] Overthinking is, unfortunately, a common symptom of all three.[23] This overthinking can cause more anxiety and stress, which in turn causes even more overthinking, trapping you in a difficult and painful cycle.- There are two categories of overthinking: ruminating and worrying.
- Ruminating involves going over the past over and over again, while worrying involves making negative predictions about the future.[24]
You’ve gone through something traumatic. Infidelity is a major shock to your system. It instantly takes away all the comfort and safety you felt in your relationship, ripping the rug out from under you. As a result, you could develop symptoms consistent with PTSD, such as flashbacks, nightmares, and obsessing over the situation.[25]- You might also experience hyper-vigilance. This means that you become overly sensitive to future threats that could cause you more pain (whether they're real or imagined).[26]
- This causes you to overthink people’s actions and become more distrustful.
- Hyper-vigilance is a natural response to having your trust broken. However, the distrust you’re feeling might be misplaced, so it's important to work through it.
- It can also keep you from meaningful connections with your current or future partner.[27]
- You might also experience hyper-vigilance. This means that you become overly sensitive to future threats that could cause you more pain (whether they're real or imagined).[26]
You’re grieving. Whether or not you stay with your partner, you're experiencing loss. If you leave, the infidelity causes the loss of your relationship. If you stay together, the infidelity causes the loss of the version of the relationship you had before. It’s completely normal to feel grief over these losses, and this grief can cause you to ruminate on the past.[28]- You might be stuck wondering where things went wrong, or trying to figure out if there were signs that you missed.
- On the other hand, you could be thinking about your happy memories together and feeling sad that things aren’t the same anymore.
It made you question your self-worth. Being cheated on can cause you to question your identity, and as a result, your self-worth can take a hit. It can make you doubt your attractiveness, or your value as a romantic partner.[29] Unchecked, this doubt can ramp up, causing you to hyper-fixate and obsess on your insecurities.
You’re going through a love withdrawal. Love triggers a release of feel-good chemicals such as dopamine, which causes a euphoric feeling similar to a drug-induced high. If that love gets cut off suddenly, it can feel like a withdrawal.[30] Infidelity causes an interruption in the flow of love and dopamine you’ve grown used to, so it’s completely normal to have some emotional whiplash. This shock to your system can increase anxiety and overthinking.
It brought up old wounds. Infidelity can be even more damaging if you’ve suffered betrayals in the past. It could make you think that you'll always be unlucky in love, or that there’s something about you that invites infidelity. It could also drag up unresolved pain from childhood. Research shows that, when a child deals with unpredictability early in life, they can struggle with anxiety and distrust in adulthood.[31] Your partner’s infidelity could reopen these wounds, leading to overthinking, anxiety, and stress.
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Section 3 of 3:
The Bottom Line
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Infidelity is painful, but healing is possible. This isn’t a quick process, and it shouldn’t be rushed. If you decide to stay in the relationship and work things through with your partner, it will take time to rebuild trust. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you navigate this new territory. With some time, effort, and empathy for each other, you can get back to solid ground.
Healing requires effort on both ends. It’s important to work on your own healing after being cheated on, but your partner also needs to take active steps to regain your trust. If your partner isn’t putting in that effort, or if they’re reverting to their old ways, ending the relationship might be the best way for you to move forward.- Remember, you deserve to feel safe and affirmed in your romantic relationship!
- Leaving someone you love can be heartbreaking, but sometimes it’s necessary for your health and personal growth.
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- Because friends and family members can be protective, they'll likely be angry at your partner for hurting you.Thanks
- As a result, they might encourage you to end the relationship before you're ready to make a decision.Thanks
- Remember, the choice of whether or not to leave is 100% yours, and it's healthy to take your time. At the end of the day, this decision is about your future, not theirs!Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/the-power-of-self-compassion.
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_mindfulness_helps_us_forgive_betrayal
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/the-power-of-self-compassion
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201602/6-tips-stop-overthinking
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/meditation/in-depth/meditation/art-20045858
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/getting-over-the-hurt-of-an-affair
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/202002/if-youve-been-cheated-read
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-stop-overthinking/
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-stop-overthinking/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201602/6-tips-stop-overthinking
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/surviving_betrayal
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/getting-over-the-hurt-of-an-affair
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/getting-over-the-hurt-of-an-affair
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-about-trauma/202205/the-steps-can-repair-relationship-after-affair
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-about-trauma/202205/the-steps-can-repair-relationship-after-affair
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/surviving_betrayal
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_mindfulness_helps_us_forgive_betrayal
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/getting-over-the-hurt-of-an-affair
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/finding-good-therapist
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/long-term-psychological-effects-of-infidelity
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-stop-overthinking/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201602/6-tips-stop-overthinking
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/long-term-psychological-effects-of-infidelity
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/surviving_betrayal
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/surviving_betrayal
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/getting-over-the-hurt-of-an-affair
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/surviving_betrayal
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/long-term-psychological-effects-of-infidelity
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/surviving_betrayal
About This Article
Clinical Therapist
This article was written by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP and by How.com.vn staff writer, Annabelle Reyes. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers. This article has been viewed 9,186 times.
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Co-authors: 4
Updated: March 25, 2024
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Categories: Dating | Cheating Spouses
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