What to Say to a Narcissist to Shut Them Down

Kindly and effectively end an argument with a narcissistic person

Communicating with someone who displays narcissistic behaviors can be difficult, especially if they’re trying to start an argument. Showing compassion is the best way to avoid an explosive conversation—but how, exactly, can you do that? In this article, we’ll give you a comprehensive list of things to say so you can neutralize the situation right away and avoid a fight. Just keep in mind that a person with narcissistic traits doesn't necessarily have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and only a licensed mental health professional can diagnose NPD.^{[1]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}

1

“I understand why you feel that way.”

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Empathetic language can help them feel understood. Someone with clinically diagnosed NPD may believe that no one else can understand what they’re going through. By telling them that you see where they’re coming from, you’re telling them that they’re not all alone in this world. Try this if you think their feelings are justified, even if they are being a little dramatic.^{[2]XResearch source}
- “I’d probably react the same way if I was in your position.”
- “I get why you’re upset.”

2

“You may be right.”

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A neutral statement can disarm someone who’s emotional. When you’re talking with someone who’s behaving in a narcissistic way, it’s best to avoid making any statements for or against what they’re saying. Instead, say something non-committal that’s just enough to appease them. Hopefully, your lack of a reaction will be enough to get them to move on.^{[3]XResearch source}
- “That’s an interesting point.”
- “Hm, I never thought about it like that.”

3

“I think we got off track somehow.”

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Using “we” language shifts the blame to both of you. If there’s one thing that a person with narcissistic qualities can’t stand, it’s being blamed for something (even if it’s totally justified). By lumping yourself in with their behavior, they’re much more likely to be open to discussing things calmly.^{[4]XResearch source}
- “We might be misunderstanding each other.”
- “I think there’s been a miscommunication. Can we try again?”

4

“Let’s discuss this later.”

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Push off the discussion, but don’t make the other person feel cast aside. If they’re trying to rile you up in public or when you’re already stressed out, tell them you don’t want to talk right now. However, make sure you promise to circle back around to it later—that way, they know you’re taking their concerns seriously.^{[5]XResearch source}
- “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this right now.”
- “Let’s not have this discussion in front of everyone.”

5

“Does that seem reasonable to you?”

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Appeal to their sense of logic to get them to stand down. Sometimes, a clarifying question can get them to snap out of their sense of entitlement. If they’re asking you to do something that really isn’t a reasonable request, a direct question might just shut them down.^{[6]XResearch source}
- “Does your request sound fair to you?”
- “Would you do the same thing for me?”

6

“Are you asking me or telling me?”

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Make it clear that you don’t like to be bossed around. If someone in your life is demanding something of you, remind them with a gentle question that their behavior isn’t polite. Sometimes, people with narcissistic traits get so wrapped up in their own thoughts that they forget what’s socially acceptable and what isn’t.^{[7]XResearch source}
- “Please don’t order me around like that.”
- “Could you rephrase that, please?”

7

“Do I have any say in this?”

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Remind the person you’re talking to that you have needs, too. A lot of times, people with narcissistic traits struggle to remember that the people around them also have needs and wants.^{[8]XExpert SourceJay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical CounselorExpert Interview. 7 August 2020.} Let them know that you’d like to have some input by asking them a question about your own needs.^{[9]XResearch source}
- “Are you thinking about both of us, or just yourself?”
- “Can I make a suggestion?”
- Keep in mind that a lack of natural empathy is a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder. If someone has been clinically diagnosed with NPD, they’re likely not choosing to disrespect you—they genuinely may lack the ability to understand your feelings and perspective.^{[10]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}

8

“When you criticize me, it makes me feel upset.”

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Focus on how you feel to lower their defenses. One of the key symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder is a resistance to criticism.^{[11]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source} If you can shift the focus to yourself and not them, you may be able to have a more productive discussion.^{[12]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- “Please don’t yell at me in public. It makes me feel belittled.”
- “I feel hurt that you’d dismiss me like that.”

9

“You can’t speak to me that way.”

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Set a firm boundary, and don’t let them cross it. When you’re continually dealing with someone who displays narcissistic behaviors, it’s important to set boundaries for yourself. It will keep you from being taken advantage of, and it will make you feel better, too. If you’re being yelled at or called names, tell them that it’s unacceptable.^{[13]XResearch source}
- “What makes you think it’s okay to treat me like this?”
- “If you want me to be nice to you, you have to be nice to me, too.”

10

“If you keep this up, I’m leaving.”

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Set real, actionable consequences for their bad behavior. Following through on consequences shows that you’re a strong person who won’t stand for your boundaries being pushed. Don’t put up with anything that crosses your boundaries, and feel free to walk away if you’re disrespected.^{[14]XResearch source}
- “I won’t listen to you when you yell at me. Let’s talk when you can be respectful.”
- “If you raise your voice at me one more time, I’m ending this relationship.”

11

“...”

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Saying nothing may effectively stop this person in their tracks. Oftentimes, a person with narcissistic qualities will make inflammatory or rude comments to intentionally rile you up. If you can remain calm and avoid talking to them all together, you might be able to avoid a fight of any kind.^{[15]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Staying calm in the face of rude comments can be tough. Try taking deep breaths and counting to 10 before you respond.

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Tips

Avoid labeling anyone as a “narcissist,” especially if they haven’t been professionally diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. NPD is a legitimate mental health condition, and applying the term “narcissist” to anyone who acts selfishly or in a way you dislike only increases the stigma around the personality disorder and the people who fight to overcome it.
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