This article was reviewed by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and by How.com.vn staff writer, Johnathan Fuentes. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
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Codependency is a toxic relationship dynamic in which one person becomes another’s “caretaker” or “fixer.” While the word gets thrown around a lot, true codependency isn’t just “clinginess.” Instead, codependent people are often deeply caring, but have a “need to be needed.” In romantic relationships, they often sacrifice their own well-being in favor of taking care of their partner, creating an imbalanced relationship that harms both people. This article explores the signs and symptoms of codependency in detail. We’ll also give some examples of what healthy dependency looks like, and discuss how to get help if you’re struggling with codependency in your own life.
Things You Should Know
- Codependency is bad because it produces unhealthy, one-sided relationships in which one person neglects their own well-being and prioritizes someone else’s needs.
- Codependency can be detrimental to a person’s self-esteem. Codependent people have a “need to be needed” and derive their self-worth from others.
- In romantic relationships, codependency harms both partners, enabling one person’s bad behaviors while forcing the other to “clean up the mess.”
Steps
Signs of Codependency
- You feel obligated to take care of others. You have an overwhelming need to make others comfortable, or to help them manage their problems. You prioritize their comfort over your own. Seeing others happy makes you happy—but you never feel like you’ve done enough.[6]
- In romantic relationships, a codependent person may often become their partner’s “caretaker,” emotionally speaking.
- Being “needed” makes you feel worthy and validated. You want to be all-important to someone, even if it means making that person the center of your world. You worry that they might fall apart with you or be unable to take care of themself. Helping them, or rescuing them from their problems, gives you a sense of purpose.[7]
- On the other hand, feeling “unneeded” is heartbreaking. When someone declines your help or insists on being independent, you feel rejected.
- You neglect your own needs, desires, interests, and friendships. You rarely practice self-care or explore your own identity because you’re constantly putting others first. This could manifest in many ways. For instance, you might not get enough sleep because you spend most nights letting your best friend “vent” to you about their problems. Or you might forget to stay in touch with friends because you spend all your time with your romantic partner. [8]
- Neglecting yourself can cause you to lose touch with your identity. You might forget, for example, that you’re a good swimmer or a great cook because you neglect to do those things in favor of taking care of your partner.
- Prioritizing yourself makes you feel guilty. Putting yourself first makes you feel like you’re betraying or inconveniencing others. You may want to be more independent or have things your way, but asserting yourself makes you uncomfortable—or worse, it makes others in your life upset. Putting your needs aside helps you avoid this discomfort and gain approval from others.[9]
- In some cases, cultural differences can make it difficult to overcome codependency. Some cultures prioritize hospitality, graciousness, and putting others first, even at great personal cost.
- Depending on your culture and upbringing, you might feel extra pressure to make others comfortable, and to avoid confrontation.
Expert Q&A
Tips
Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about codependency, check out our in-depth interview with Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW.
References
- ↑ https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/codependency.shtml
- ↑ https://www.fitnyc.edu/files/pdfs/EAP_Codependency.pdf
- ↑ https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/codependency.shtml
- ↑ https://www.fitnyc.edu/files/pdfs/EAP_Codependency.pdf
- ↑ https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/codependency.shtml
- ↑ https://www.fitnyc.edu/files/pdfs/EAP_Codependency.pdf
- ↑ https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/codependency.shtml
- ↑ https://www.fitnyc.edu/files/pdfs/EAP_Codependency.pdf
- ↑ https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/codependency.shtml
- ↑ https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/healthy-relationships.shtml
- ↑ https://www.wcu.edu/experience/health-and-wellness/blog/posts/healthy-relationships.aspx
- ↑ https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/healthy-relationships.shtml
- ↑ https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/create-healthy-lifestyle/relationships/what-impacts-relationships
- ↑ https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/codependency.shtml
- ↑ http://students.aiu.edu/submissions/profiles/resources/onlineBook/B6B4j7_Handbook_of_Couples_Therapy.pdf
- ↑ https://www.jmu.edu/counselingctr/self-help/relationships/codependency.shtml
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