How to Get Back at a Guy for Hurting You

If a guy hurts you, you may want to hurt him back. There may be a biological basis for revenge, as people tend to feel pleasure when fantasizing about seeking revenge.^{[1]XResearch source} If you're struggling to manage your feelings, you may want to do some small things to get back at a guy. However, try to keep your emotions in check. Being vindictive or aggressive will only create more conflict. The best way to get back on someone who hurt you is to work on yourself. Work on getting in shape and moving forward. If your ex sees you don't need him to be happy, that will be revenge enough.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Seeking Petty Revenge

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1
Post an unflattering picture of your ex on social media. You do not want to post anything incriminating or very embarrassing. However, an unflattering photo can be a great way to make your ex squirm a little.
- Go through old pictures you have of your ex. Does he look heavier in certain pictures? Do you have any where he's making a weird face? Find a few extremely unflattering photos.
- Post them to a social media site where you know he will see them. If you're still Facebook friends, for example, you can tag him in the photos so he'll get a notification about it.
2
Sign him up for spam email. If you have his email address, sign him up to receive spam. Do not use services that will attempt to get his personal information. You do not want to do anything illegal. However, you can find spam sites that are simply annoying. You could sign him up for a daily horoscope, for example.
- You can also give out his emails to stores he would not be interested in. If your favorite makeup store asks for your email, give them your ex's address. This will spam his inbox with irrelevant promotions.
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3
Flirt with some of his friends. If you still see him at social events, try flirting a little with his friends. This may make him feel jealous or insecure. Strike up a conversation with a friend of his and behave flirtatiously. Casually brush the friend's arm, for example, while smiling and making eye contact.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Be careful not to lead his friends on, however. It can be fun to get a little flirty, but you do not want someone to think you're interested in a relationship when you're not.
4
Try some prank phone calls. Prank phone calls can be a fun and relatively harmless way to annoy your ex. Have a friend call him and pretend to be a credit card company inquiring about a late payment. You can also pretend to be a utility company threatening to shut off services.
- Try to stay quiet while your friend is making the call. If your ex hears you giggling in the background, he may figure out it's you.
5
Embarrass him in front of a new romantic interest. If you see your ex is on a date, do something to embarrass him. You can go up to him and loudly ask him about something embarrassing he left at your apartment, for example. You could also pretend to politely introduce yourself and work in an embarrassing anecdote about your ex.
- Do not be mean to the new girl, however. Remember, your ex hurt you and not her. You do not want to take out your anger on someone who does not deserve it.
6
Ignore him. This is a simple way to hurt your ex back. If he tries to contact you or maintain a friendship, you should simply ignore him. Do not return texts, emails, or phone calls. This will send a message that you're mad and have not forgiven him for mistreating you.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Consider deleting him on social media. Many people feel stung if they find they've been de-friended or un-followed.
7
Make sure the guy understands why you're angry. You may not feel better after seeking revenge if the guy doesn't understand why you're mad. The aim of revenge is to make someone see how they hurt you. Try to make this apparent so you actually feel better after getting back at the guy.^{[4]XResearch source}
- There are many ways to make the guy understand why you're lashing out. You could tell him directly. For example, "I'm not returning your texts because of how you treated me."
- If you're not on speaking terms, you could try posting something on social media you will know he will see.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Living Well

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1
Consider whether this is the right move. Do you really need to seek revenge? Before you take any action, carefully consider your motivations. What will you gain through trying to get back at this person?^{[5]XResearch source}
- Revenge can actually increase anger rather than decreasing it. If you end up hurting your ex back, you may feel guilty, sad, or empty afterwards.
- Wait and consider your actions for awhile before lashing out. Make sure you know everything about the situation to make sure revenge is warranted. Think long and hard about whether you'll actually feel happier if you get back on the guy.
- Try to accept your urge for revenge is natural. However, remember that the anticipation may feel better than carrying out the act. You may be better off fantasizing about revenge than actually indulging in it.
2
Start working out. If you're your best self in the wake of a breakup, this is a great means to revenge. You want your ex to feel like you only got better after he left. Start a workout regimen so you can look and feel better.
- Pick a form of exercise you enjoy that you're likely to stick to. If you love riding your bike, for example, start taking long bike rides a few times a week.
- Be careful getting into a new workout routine. Always talk to a doctor before starting a new program, and ease into any form of physical activity. You want to avoid strain.
3
Take care of yourself. If you're reeling from heartbreak, this is important. You should accept what you're feeling and take some steps to cope with your own pain.^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}
- Allow yourself to experience and deal with your emotions. If you need to feel pain, do so. If you need to cry, have a good, long cry.
- Do things that make you happy. Go out and see a movie with friends. Go visit your family.
- Sometimes, being happy can be a form of revenge in and of itself. Imagine your ex seeing happy social media posts of you thriving without him. That may hurt him more than any directly vindictive action on your part.
4
Focus on the present. Live in the now rather than the past. Remember, you can't undo the past. You can, however, work on making the most of the present.^{[7]XResearch source}
- It's natural to focus on the pain now and again. When you feel yourself doing so, find a way to gently pull yourself back into the present moment. Think to yourself, "That was then and this is now. I want to move forward."
- Think about all the good things in your life. Focus on your hobbies, your career, and your social life. Do not get sidetracked by petty thoughts.
5
Consider forgiveness. After awhile of healing, you may want to think about forgiveness. Forgiving the person who hurt you may help you find closure.^{[8]XResearch source}
- You don't have to agree with what the guy did to forgive him. You can simply acknowledge that negative actions do not make him a bad person overall. Think to yourself, "This guy made a mistake, like we all do. I'm ready to let it go."
- Remember, forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. It actually takes a lot of strength of character to forgive someone for hurting you.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Confronting the Guy Who Hurt You

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1
Write down your thoughts. Sometimes, letting someone know why and how they hurt you can make you feel like you got back at them. If possible, let your ex know you want to talk. A productive confrontation may make you feel better. Prior to the conversation, try to write down your thoughts.^{[9]XResearch source}
- Write down how you feel and why. Try to find the best way to articulate how you were hurt.
- Focus on what you expect to get out of the situation. Do you want an apology? Do you want your ex to understand how he hurt you and feel bad?
2
Release expectations. Expectations can skew how you behave. When you're hurt and angry, it can be especially difficult to control your emotions. If you go into the conversation expecting your ex to react a particular way, you may find yourself becoming angry or frustrated if things unfold differently.^{[10]XResearch source}
- You want the conversation to flow naturally. You do not want to react with surprise or frustration if things unfold slightly different than you imagined.
- Go into the conversation acknowledging you're uncertain what will occur. This way, you'll be better equipped to handle unexpected turns.
3
Use "I"-statements. "I"-statements are statements phrased in a way to reduce blame. They put focus on your feelings over an outside judgement of the situation. An "I"-statement has three parts. It begins with, "If feel..." after which you immediately state your feeling. From there, you state the action that led to that feeling. Lastly, you explain why you felt the way you did.^{[11]XResearch source}
- For example, you may be inclined to say something like, "It was incredibly hurtful that you lied to me about needing time to yourself. You immediately started dating someone else. You could have just told me you weren't interested in me romantically."
- Rephrase the above sentiment using an "I"-statement. For example, "I felt incredibly hurt when you told me you didn't want to be in a relationship and then had a new girlfriend in a week because I wish you have been honest with me."
4
Ask for an apology. An apology can really help make you feel better. It lessens the need for revenge and helps you forgive someone who hurt you. End the talk by politely asking for an apology.^{[12]XResearch source}
- You can end the conversation by saying something like, "I know you maybe don't think you did anything wrong, but I need you to apologize."
- You will feel a lot better getting your feelings out and receiving an apology. Once your feelings are vindicated, you may be better equipped to move on.

Expert Q&A

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Question
What support can I get if I can't move on?
Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.
Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
In certain situations, seeking the guidance of a therapist to explore your emotions and the challenges you've encountered can be a valuable option. It's a prudent choice to connect with others when you find yourself grappling with conflicting emotions. Don't hesitate to seek assistance. Above all, keep in mind that the current phase of your life is just one chapter, and there are numerous chapters yet to unfold. Channel your time and energy into personal development. Embrace the opportunity to reflect on lessons learned from past relationships, using these insights as tools to enrich your future friendships and relationships.
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How can I support a friend that can't move on?
Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.
Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
For certain individuals, a breakup isn't just an end; it's a profound part of their identity. Such individuals may grapple with a range of intricate emotions. It's crucial to understand that a breakup is akin to any other personal loss, with the possibility of navigating through stages of grief and loss—be it denial, bargaining, anger, or depression. Alternatively, they might find themselves fixated on a particular stage, unable to progress. It's important to acknowledge and validate the emotions your friend is experiencing. As a supportive friend, engage in active listening, reflect on the conversation, and offer assistance. The journey may feel overwhelming at times, but it's essential to recognize that your friend possesses the strength to move forward.
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Tips

Revenge is not necessarily healthy. While you can do small things to make yourself feel better, focus on being healthy and moving forward. It isn't worth it to obsess over someone who was not nice to you.
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The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of How.com.vn readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on How.com.vn, please submit it in the field below.

When you feel the urge to text or call him, write down what you want to say instead. Getting the thoughts out on paper can provide some release. But contacting him directly probably won't make him regret hurting you.
Surround yourself with people who support and care about you. Let them pamper and affirm you a bit if needed. But don't overindulge behaviors you'll later regret.
If kids are involved, keep communication to only what's essential for the kids' wellbeing. Make it clear the relationship is over outside of co-parenting duties.
When confronting him, stick to "I feel" statements about how certain actions made you feel. This reduces accusatory tone. Then ask for the apology you deserve.

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