How to Enjoy Phone Sex

Phone sex can be a fantastic way to connect with your partner, whether you're in a long distance relationship or just want to spice things up. If you’re not used to it, it can feel a little strange or even ridiculous to talk dirty to someone over the telephone. With time and practice though, phone sex can be a lot of fun. It might even help you become more comfortable with yourself, and it could help you and your partner bond too.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Preparing for the Phone Date

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1
Plan your phone date wisely. Try to plan your phone date so that you have at least an hour beforehand to relax and get in the right mindset. If your phone date starts minutes after you’ve rushed in the door from a stressful day at school or work, you will likely find it difficult to get in the mood.
- In addition, be sure to give yourself enough time for the call: aim for double what you think you’ll need. If you think you’ll need one hour, plan for two!
2
Cross things off your to-do list. It can be difficult to relax if you’re stressed out about doing the laundry, washing the dishes, or working on that report that’s due in a few days. Give yourself some time before your phone date to work on the things that are stressing you out.
- Finishing some chores before your phone date starts can help you feel as though you’ve earned the break, making it easier to relax and enjoy the call.^{[1]XResearch source}
- If you know you’ll be exhausted at the end of the day it might not be wise to try to do your chores before your phone date. In this case, set aside time before your chores for your romantic encounter.^{[2]XResearch source}
3
Address your inhibitions. Try to figure out exactly what it is about phone sex that you find difficult to deal with. Maybe you don’t feel sexy or you hate the sound of your voice. Or maybe you have trouble articulating your desires. Whatever it is that’s holding you back from enjoying phone sex, it’s likely holding you back in other parts of your life too, so it's worthwhile to address it!
- Releasing inhibitions has a lot to do with self confidence. To build your self confidence, try exercising regularly and keeping a journal in which you write at least 5 good things about yourself each day.
- If you really struggle with finding yourself attractive and imagining that your partner could have desire for you, try focusing on what you find attractive in your partner. What arouses you about him/her?
- Instead of focusing on the ways in which you feel unattractive, focus on the ways in which your partner turns you on.^{[3]XResearch source}
4
Let go of your doubts. If you’re relatively new to phone sex, you might doubt whether you have the ability to be a good partner. You might wonder whether phone sex can be sexy at all. Maybe you’re worried that you’ll start laughing, or that you’ll say something wrong and your partner will laugh at you. Whatever your doubts are, you need to let them go.
- One way to let go of doubts is to write them all down. As you write them down, consider some solutions — for example, if you’re worried that you won’t know what to say, think up some things you could say in advance. Simply describing a previous romantic encounter with your partner could be a great start.
- You may also find it helpful to discuss your doubts with your partner. That way, you can brainstorm ideas for easing your doubts together.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Getting in the Mood

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1
Relax. Having phone sex is similar to having actual sex — you’ll enjoy yourself more if you’re not tense and worried. If you’re feeling nervous about your phone date, do some things to relax you and take your mind off of it:
- Have a bath. Play soft music, light candles, use some epsom salts in the water to soften your skin. This might also help you get in the mood.
- Play loud music and dance around your room. Don’t watch yourself dance in the mirror — just move around freely and enjoy the way it feels to move. Dance silly, dance sexy — do whatever makes you feel good and relaxed.
- Watch some fun videos online — cute animals and funny videos are great relaxation aids.
Shower or have a bath, put on some perfume or cologne, and dress in something that you feel good in. Do your hair and, if you wear makeup, put a little on.
3
Set the scene. Ensure that you're somewhere private (not at work, school, or some other public location) where you feel comfortable to let go — this will likely be your bedroom or, if you live alone, your living room. Tidy up the room and lay out some blankets and pillows so that you have somewhere nice to sit/lie while you talk on the phone. Light some candles and play some soft music.
- If you play soft music, make sure it’s quiet enough that you can hear your partner. Instrumentals are probably best so that you don’t have to compete with other people speaking/singing in the background.
- As you set the scene, start thinking about what you’d like to say or do to your partner. If you can't think of anything, remember romantic times you haven’t had with your partner in the past, and think about how you’d describe them to him/her.
4
Start feeling sexy. Try to be ready 30 to 60 minutes before the date; use this time to do things that help you get in the mood:
- If you have a camera phone, you can even take a photo of yourself and send it to your partner with a flirty message like “ready for our date!” or “can’t wait to hear your voice!”
- Give yourself a sensual massage. Massage your neck, back, shoulders, thighs, or even your erogenous zones to start getting in the mood before your date begins.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Getting out of Your Head

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1
Curb your laughter. Laughing at the wrong time can throw a wrench into any sexual encounter, whether it be in person, online, or on the phone. If your concerns about laughing are making it difficult for you to enjoy phone sex, it may be best to tell your partner about it ahead of time.
- Example: “I am willing to try phone sex, but I’m worried that I’ll laugh and ruin everything. What should we do if I laugh?” Bringing it up to your partner in this way should help diminish some of the anxiety around it.
- If you and your partner are really comfortable with each other, then a bit of laughter won't ruin the sexual experience. Work on recognizing when you're going to have a laughing fit and then kicking it aside, even if you have to acknowledge it before moving on.
2
Fake it until you make it. If nothing is working and you’re really struggling to get into phone sex, try taking a step back and pretending that you’re someone who likes phone sex. Do this for at least a few minutes — that might be all it takes for you to actually feel turned on and have more fun with it.
- It may feel insincere at first, but once you’re more comfortable with pretending to have phone sex, you might find that you’re actually enjoying it; after that, it should come much more naturally to you without having to pretend.
3
Close your eyes and visualize. Another way to step outside of yourself during phone sex is to close your eyes and visualize what you and your partner are describing. This may help you step into the scene that you’re imagining and leave your doubts and inhibitions at the door.
- If you have trouble imagining your and your partner’s words, try developing your imagination by reading some erotica or watching love scenes in romantic films.
4
Find your phone sex personality. If being yourself just isn't working when it comes to phone sex, try pretending to be someone else completely. Having an alter ego can help you remove yourself from the experience. Just be sure to explain to your partner that this is what you’re doing, otherwise he/she might be confused if you lower your voice or refer to yourself by a different name!
- Maybe your alter ego has a lower voice and/or likes to talk dirty.
- Maybe your alter ego has desires that you never knew you had.
- You and your partner might even consider creating alter egos together — also known as role-playing.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Working with Your Partner

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1
Ensure that you're comfortable with your partner. If your partner is really pushing for phone sex and you’re having trouble giving him/her what he/she wants, ask yourself what you’re really uncomfortable with — is it the phone sex or your partner, or both?
- If it’s the phone sex that's the problem, you should be able to talk to your partner openly about your concerns, and together you can work through them. If your partner cares about you, he/she won't try to push you into do something you’re uncomfortable with.
- If you’re uncomfortable with your partner, maybe you’re just not ready to have phone sex with him/her yet. Maybe you’re not sure if you can trust him/her to keep your sessions private; or maybe you're worried that he/she will judge you. If this is the case, it’s okay to tell your partner that you’d like to wait until you feel more comfortable.
2
Talk to your partner.^{[4]XExpert SourceJacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual TherapistExpert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Let your partner know why it's hard for you to enjoy phone sex. If the reason is that you're uncomfortable with your partner, try to find a respectful and non-accusatory way of telling them that.
- You should be able to have an open and respectful conversation with your partner about any concerns you have. Ideally, your partner will put those concerns to rest!
3
Follow your partner's lead.^{[5]XResearch source} If your partner is more into phone sex than you are, you may be best served by following his/her lead. Instead of being the one to initiate the sexy talk, wait for him/her to ask what you're wearing, to tell you you're sexy, and to talk about what he/she is doing to you. Once you feel more comfortable, you can start talking and initiating more.
- If your partner knows you're nervous about the experience, then he/she should be okay with letting you follow his/her lead a bit more.
4
Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you're in the middle of what's supposed to be a hot and heavy phone session, don't be afraid to let your partner know when you can't think of something to say or when you need a bit more help.
- Try not to be too apologetic. Saying “sorry” or beating yourself up for not knowing what to say might ruin the mood. Just keep it light and fun. Asking for help isn't a big deal!
- You might even find a way to ask for help while remaining in the realm of romantic language -- for example, “I’m so turned on right now I can't think straight. Maybe you can guide me?”
- Other examples of things to say: "I can't think of what to do next...can you take over?" or “My mind just went blank. Keep going and I’ll think of something.”
5
Give yourselves time to get into a sexy groove. Even on the phone, foreplay is important: don’t go straight from saying hello to saying how turned on you are. Start with sexy small talk, then move on to what you’re wearing and how much you wish you were physically together before your conversation gets X-rated.
- Engaging in small talk before transitioning into the dirtier stuff will not only help you feel more comfortable, it’ll build anticipation and make your phone session that much steamier. Just be sure that your small talk is light-hearted — don’t rant about work or your upcoming school assignments.
- If your partner is moving faster than you, ask him/her to slow down until you're ready. You can say something like, "I'm just enjoying the sound of your voice right now. Can we wait a little longer before taking our clothes off?”
6
Don't be afraid to admit it if you just can't make it work. If you feel like you've tried everything and just can't make it work, tell your partner that phone sex is not for you. If your partner wanted you to do something in bed that you didn't want to do, you would tell him/her it wasn't your thing; having phone sex is no different.
- If your relationship is strong, in the end, it won't matter whether you enjoy phone sex or not.
- Don't beat yourself up for not being able to get in the mood for phone sex. There are other ways for you and your partner to have a sexy time together, such as talking dirty, stripteases, or role playing in the bedroom.

Rekindle Your Sex Life with this Expert Series

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Has sex gotten boring or predictable in your relationship? We've put together these expert articles to help you spice up your sex life.

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Could I be nude and masturbate during phone sex?
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Yes, and that's pretty common with phone sex.
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Is there an age minimum for it, and if so what is it?
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There is no age minimum by law, but consider what your parents might think if they found out and what others might think of you.
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Where can I find girls that are looking to for guys like me to have phone sex with?
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Most likely you would have to call a phone sex line and pay for that, unless you have a woman in your life that you already have a sexual relationship with.
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Tips

Remember that your partner can hear you, but he/she can't see you! You can do whatever you want, or pull as many faces as you like, and he/she won't know.
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If your phone has a mute button, you can always press “mute” if you’re about to have a laughing fit. That way, your partner won’t be able to hear you, although, if he/she has a sense of humor, he/she might just join in.
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