Download ArticleA comprehensive guide to talking clearly and effectively with your partner
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This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
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Your relationship may have started out strong, but over time relationships require work to keep them going. One of the best things you can do to improve your relationship with your girlfriend is to work on communication skills. Learning how to communicate better with your partner will help you both open up to one another and feel closer to each other, no matter what stage your relationship is in.
Things You Should Know
- Ask questions often! The best way to stay on the same page is to ask your partner about their concerns, troubles, or even just how their day went.
- Rephrase your partner's words and ask them if you understood them correctly. Making sure you grasp any issues is key to working through problems.
- Be open and honest with your partner. Hiding your feelings makes it harder for the 2 of you to understand each other, but honest talks help establish where you stand.
Steps
Ask questions.[1] Asking questions is one of the best ways to improve conversation with your partner. You should ask each other questions every day about how work went, how you both are feeling, and other day-to-day "updates" about one another's lives. You should also ask questions to clarify something that was said, or to dig deeper and get your partner to open up more.[2]- Use prodding questions. Start out with larger, more general topics, and work your way down to more specific revelations.
- You might start by asking your girlfriend how her day was, then ask about an incident that was unpleasant or a happy moment at work.
- Once your girlfriend starts to talk about the specifics of her day, you can try applying the things she says to other conversations you've had. For example, you might ask, "That's happened before, hasn't it?" or "Wow, I can't believe that happened after _____ told you something different last week."
- Ask your girlfriend how she feels about the events she describes. Let her know you care, and offer her your support.
Rephrase to reflect. A big problem in relationship communication is one partner not feeling heard or understood. Rephrasing what your girlfriend just said in your own words shows that you are listening to and processing everything she's saying. It can also be a useful way to help mentally ground yourself in the conversation if you find that your thoughts are racing and you're having a hard time focusing on what's being said.[3]- Use a natural conversational tone. If your partner interprets your rephrasing as mocking, the conversation can go bad very quickly.
- Try to limit your use of rephrasing. If done too often it can be distracting or irritating.
- Put your girlfriend's words into your own words when you rephrase them. This shows that you're processing everything she says, and not simply repeating it word for word.
- You might try using a transitional phrase to begin your rephrasing. For example, try saying something like, "So what you're saying is..." or "I think I understand where you're coming from. You're saying ________. Is that right?"
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Look for nonverbal signals. Body language often speaks just as loudly as words. The way that you and your girlfriend position yourselves during the conversation can send signals that may be unintentional, or may reflect your subconscious mood. Try not to read too obsessively into your partner's body language, but if it seems like there is a problem, try asking her if she's upset and let her know that you noticed her body language.[4]- If your girlfriend crosses her arms, she may be feeling defensive, distant, or emotionally closed off from you.
- Avoiding eye contact may indicate a lack of interest in what you're saying, shame over something that was said or done, or feeling distracted or uncommunicative.
- Turning the body away during a conversation may suggest that your partner feels disinterested, frustrated, or emotionally closed off.
- A loud, aggressive tone might indicate that the conversation has escalated or is about to escalate, and emotions are running high. Your girlfriend may also feel that you're not hearing her or understanding her.
- Some body language positions are incidental, so don't "accuse" your girlfriend of secretly being upset or closed off. Ask in a caring way by saying something like, "I noticed your body language seems to suggest that you're upset, but your words are contradicting that. Is something on your mind?"
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Be open and honest.[5] Being honest means not lying to or misleading your girlfriend, which should be easy enough. But being open requires you to make yourself vulnerable on some level, which many people struggle with. If being open and honest doesn't come naturally to you, you'll need to work on it with your partner for the sake of your relationship.[6]- Open, honest communication is the foundation of a strong relationship. If you cannot be open and honest with one another, you will inevitably encounter problems down the line.
- Tell your girlfriend the full truth. Don't hold back or withhold your feelings, because she may be upset if she finds out about it.
- If you're struggling with being open, let your partner know about the problem and try to explain the reasons why. If she knows you struggle with it, she can be extra supportive, and may learn to ask you prompting questions or request elaborations.
Reflect before you speak.[7] Many people are in such a hurry to get all their thoughts/feelings out in the open that they fail to pause and reflect on what's being said. This is true of both speaking your mind in general, as well as speaking in response to something your girlfriend has said.[8]- Think carefully about what it is you want to say before you speak.
- Be aware of what you're feeling when you talk to your girlfriend.
- Speak as clearly and directly as possible.
- If you're responding to something your partner said, give her a second to make sure she's finished talking. Then take a brief second to process what she's said and think about how to best articulate your response.
Communicate respectfully. You should always strive to be as respectful as possible in every conversation you have with your girlfriend. Respect may be an obvious requirement for many people, but it's important to be aware of your words, your tone, the subtext of your conversation, and your body language to always convey mutual respect for one another.[9]- Take responsibility for what you say and do during a conversation, even if it escalates to an argument.
- You should both fully express your thoughts and feelings, but you need to do so respectfully.
- Validate your partner's feelings. Try to understand why your girlfriend feels the way she does, and at the very least respect the fact that she feels that way.
- Convey a respectful posture. Don't slouch, avoid eye contact, or do other tasks while listening to your girlfriend. Face her and give her your full attention.
- Be respectful in any responses you give. Don't interrupt your girlfriend, and never say that she's wrong to feel a certain way.
- If there's any kind of misunderstanding between you, don't get mad or upset. Instead, you should calmly ask questions and try to get your girlfriend to clarify what she means.
Focus on "I" statements.[10] When emotions rise, especially during a fight or after you've been hurt somehow, it's easy to slip into declarative statements (such as "You are a liar and you hurt my feelings."). But psychologists agree that using "I" statements are far more effective and cause less tension. Using an "I" statement simply means framing your hurt feelings as a way that you feel, rather than as an accusation or an absolute about your partner.[11] A good "I" statement should include the following components:- A statement of emotion ("I feel _____")
- A fair and unemotional description of the behavior causing you to feel the way you feel ("I feel _____ when you ______")
- An explanation of why the behavior or conditions at hand cause you to feel the way you do ("I feel ____ when you _____, because it _________")
Don't rush things. If you haven't been dating for a long time, or if you are new to sharing your feelings in general, it's best to take things slowly. You should still work on communicating with one another every day, but you and your partner should have a frank conversation about how comfortable you are with divulging your personal thoughts/feelings, and what kind of time frame you might need to get to that point.[12]- Don't rush into deep, troubling, or difficult conversations. Let them come naturally when you're both ready to talk about such things.
- Don't rush your partner, and don't let her rush you.
- Go by what you are both comfortable with, and know that any effort at improving communication will help strengthen your relationship.
Use self-disclosure statements. Self-disclosure statements can be very useful in a relationship, especially if you're new to sharing your feelings or talking about deeply personal things. They're a way for you to reveal yourself incrementally but candidly to your partner, with the assumption that she will talk about herself as well.[13] Try building off of the following self-disclosing cues to get started:- I am a person who _____.
- One thing I wish people knew about me is _______.
- When I try to express intimate feelings, _____________.
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Try out different communication styles. There are many different ways of communicating, and there are no absolute right or wrong methods. However, some methods can be more productive than others for some people, and it may take some experimentation to find a style of communication that works best for both of you.[14]- Try being expressive. Let your partner know how you feel, and ask her how she feels.
- Use task- or fact-oriented communication. Some people are more comfortable conveying facts instead of emotions, like saying, "I feel like I'm not making enough money at my job" instead of saying, "I'm sad and I'm worried about my finances."
- Be assertive. Assertive communication involves the clear and direct communication of your feelings, opinions, and needs, without infringing on the rights of your partner.
- Avoid passive communication. This communication style involves a failure to assert yourself or express your thoughts/feelings/needs, and can be very damaging to the relationship.
- Minimize emotion before talking about important things. Take a few minutes to calm down before discussing anything significant so that your emotions do not direct the conversation, but make sure you do acknowledge the way you and your partner feel.
Focus on small talk. Small talk is tremendously helpful in any relationship, and it helps build a day-to-day level of communication within your relationship. You can reminisce or laugh about shared experiences, talk about what you each did that day, ask about plans for the weekend, or simply share observations that you find interesting or funny.[15]- Small talk about your day-to-day lives helps you and your girlfriend get closer and know each other more intimately.
- Ask your girlfriend to elaborate and give more details.
- Make sure that your follow-up questions convey a genuine interest in what your girlfriend says and do not come across as suspicious or distrustful.
Make time for communication. Many people with busy lives or different schedules find that the lines of communication get strained in a relationship. This can easily be remedied, though, if both partners make time for communication. Even if you have very hectic lives, it's important that you make some time for open, honest communication, the same way you make time for meals, sleep, or your daily commute.[16]- If having a rigid schedule helps you both maintain your day-to-day lives, try scheduling alone time. Set aside some alone time at least once every week to keep a healthy, open line of communication.
- Try to limit interruptions when you're talking with your girlfriend. Turn off the TV or radio, and silence/put away your cellphones so you won't be distracted.
- Talk to one another while doing day-to-day activities, like while driving in the car or doing chores around the house.
- Notice when your girlfriend acts troubled or otherwise seems to have something she wants to talk about. Ask if something is wrong, or if there's anything she'd like to talk about.
- Make sure your conversations convey commitment, trust, and intimacy from both of you.[17]
Consider seeking professional help. You might find that communication doesn't come easily in your relationship, or that the lines of communication have been strained by life events. There is nothing wrong with this, and it does not mean your relationship won't work—it simply means you might need to try a little harder. That's where a professional may be of service.[18]- A licensed couples therapist can help you and your girlfriend find ways to be more open and communicative.
- You may also work on being more honest, taking more of an interest in one another's lives, and finding more time to spend alone together.
- You can find therapists in your area by looking through the phone book, using a search engine online, or by consulting a therapy-based index like Psychology Today has on their website.[19]
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Expert Q&A
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- QuestionHow can I communicate better in a relationship?
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWKelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
PsychotherapistAlways be honest with your partner and listen to what they have to say. That way, you can reflect on what they said and respond appropriately.
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Tips
- Spend time together, no matter what else is going on in your lives.Thanks
- When you're together, make sure you talk to one another. Start out with small talk, which is very important, and work your way up to bigger, more important things going on in your lives.Thanks
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Warnings
- Don't expect your girlfriend to have the same level of comfort that you do in talking about your thoughts and feelings. Everyone is different, and every relationship is different, so be understanding and ask her to respect your feelings as well.Thanks
- If you notice your girlfriend getting annoyed, she may need a little space. Don't push her, and be respectful of her boundaries.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-couch/201501/6-surprising-ways-communicate-better-your-partner
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/14/9-steps-to-better-communication-today/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/14/9-steps-to-better-communication-today/
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/14/9-steps-to-better-communication-today/
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication#lp-h-0
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/good-communication-in-marriage-starts-with-respect/
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cui-bono/201211/are-i-statements-better-you-statements
- ↑ https://www.ccri.edu/advising/health_and_wellness/communication.html
- ↑ https://www.ccri.edu/advising/health_and_wellness/communication.html
- ↑ https://www.dartmouth.edu/~eap/library/comunic1.pdf
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-couch/201501/6-surprising-ways-communicate-better-your-partner
- ↑ https://www.dartmouth.edu/~eap/library/comunic1.pdf
- ↑ https://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/fy1277
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication#lp-h-5
- ↑ https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&utm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavF_Therapist
About This Article
Psychotherapist
This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida. This article has been viewed 287,147 times.
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Co-authors: 18
Updated: February 23, 2024
Views: 287,147
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The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 287,147 times.
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"This is great advice! Right now, I am in a relationship, but have been single for so long that I am pretty much an amateur. Lately, communication has been a major problem on both ends, but I feel like it is mostly my girlfriend's issue. I feel as if she is not always open with me when I want her to be and feel as if she does not talk to me as much as I want her to. Reading this article has helped me develop mentally about the situation and gain some optimism. "..." more
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