Can 20-Year Age Gap Relationships Really Work?

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Is age just a number, or is dating outside your generation a big deal?

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The Stigma Explained

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Changing Cultural Views

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What to Consider

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Are age gaps OK?

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Expert Interview

You see it in Hollywood all the time: a 20-year-old on the arm of a 50-year-old (usually, it’s a young woman with an older man). There’s a stigma attached to age gap relationships—especially when it’s a younger man dating or marrying an older woman. But while age can be an issue in a relationship, is a large age difference always problematic? Not necessarily—but there are some things to consider. We’ll walk you through the reason for the taboo, the changing cultural views on large age gaps between partners, and the effect an age gap can have on your relationship, below.

Things You Should Know

There’s a stigma behind relationships with 20-year age gaps, but society’s views on age gaps have changed a lot over the decades.
You may run into some problems dating someone older or younger, such as not having the same frame of reference or dealing with a power imbalance.
Ultimately, all relationships come with their share of concerns regardless of age, and as long as all parties consent to dating, there’s no reason the relationship can’t work.

Section 1 of 4:

The Stigma Behind Age Gaps in Relationships

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Couples with a large age difference may be viewed as “taboo.” “Daddy/mommy issues,” “cradle robber,” “gold digger”—you’ve probably heard these terms thrown around in reference to a person dating someone significantly older or younger than them (usually, an older man dating or marrying a younger woman). Studies suggest most people's distrust of age gap relationships is rooted in perceived inequity: most people's impulse is to assume the relationship is transactional or even abusive in some way. ^{[1]XResearch source}
- While a large age gap does lend itself to a more toxic dynamic, as the older partner usually has more power than the younger partner, age gap relationships aren't inherently dysfunctional.
- Much of the Western discourse around age gap stigma is centered on heterosexual couples and gender dynamics, though age gaps certainly exist in same-sex relationships as well.
  - In fact, research suggests large age gaps may be more prevalent in homosexual couples than in heterosexual couples.^{[2]XResearch source}
- Most heterosexual couples have age gaps of about 3 years, with the man usually being the older partner.^{[3]XResearch source}

Section 2 of 4:

Changing Cultural Views on Age Gaps in Relationships

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Men dating young women used to be more widely accepted. While it’s not uncommon for older men to date younger women nowadays, society has become more aware of potential power imbalances in the relationship. In the past, however, it was more readily accepted that men were evolutionarily drawn to younger women for their fertility, and that women were drawn to older men, who tended to have more resources with which to take care of her and her children.^{[4]XResearch source}
- In recent years, as the nature of relationships has changed, men dating younger women—particularly when the woman is in her teens or 20s and the man is in middle age or older—has been viewed by some as unilaterally problematic or an abuse of power, but this view may discount an adult woman’s agency and ability to choose to date an older man.
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Older women dating young men is more socially acceptable than it used to be, but it’s still stigmatized. What’s the male version of a “cougar”? Who knows: while men dating younger women used to be more acceptable, older women dating men was considered less appropriate—and still is by many people, just less than it once was. As gender roles and cultural expectations for what a “successful relationship” entails have grown more relaxed, society has become more open-minded regarding older women dating younger men.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Even as society has become more aware of the potential for power dynamics to affect age gap relationships, that awareness mostly extends to older men dating younger women.
- Women in general are less likely to be viewed as “powerful” or as capable of “abusing” a man, even if he’s much younger.^{[6]XResearch source} Though this is a false dichotomy, it doesn’t mean that a relationship between an older woman and a younger man can’t work.
- In fact, according to one study, women in relationships with men 10 or more years younger than them reported being more content in their relationships.^{[7]XResearch source}

Section 3 of 4:

What to Consider when Dating Someone Much Older or Younger

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A large age gap in a relationship may pose a power imbalance. In a relationship in which one partner is significantly older than the other, the older person will usually have more life experience, and often more financial stability as well. This can create a power imbalance if both parties aren’t aware of it.^{[8]XResearch source}
- The older partner may want (even subconsciously) to exert some level of control over their younger partner, and the younger person may even appreciate being cared for for a time.
- However, the imbalance is almost guaranteed to damage the dynamic if both parties don’t actively work to maintain their own independence and respect one another’s agency.
- Some people will claim there’s always a power imbalance in an age gap relationship—but truthfully, there’s potential for power imbalance in any romantic relationship regardless of the couple’s ages. Sometimes, the power even shifts from one partner to the other throughout the relationship.
- Keep in mind that the difference between 18 and 38 is a lot more extreme than between 38 and 58, even though they're both technically 20-year gaps. Though the legal age of majority may indicate it's "OK" for a middle-aged person to date a teenager, the younger partner's relative lack of life experience and their less formed sense of self may make the relationship more prone to a power imbalance.
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Some people just won’t understand—and they may even tell you so. The stigma around age gaps is changing, but there are still a number of people who have strong feelings about dating someone much older or younger. Your family and close friends may have legitimate concerns about the healthiness of the relationship, and while you may choose to calmly address these concerns, ultimately, the only thing that matters is that everyone involved in the relationship is happy. Still, it can be hard to ignore outside opinions and societal pressures.
- One commonly held belief about May-December relationships is that young women dating older men have "daddy issues," but studies indicate this is false: women who date significantly older men generally display the same attachment style as women who date men their own age.^{[9]XResearch source}
- If you’re in or considering an age gap relationship, consider setting strong boundaries with people about what comments they can and cannot make. Over time, friends who might disapprove of your relationship may come around anyway.
- Many couples in May-December romances use 3 strategies to manage stigma:^{[10]XResearch source}
  - Passing: One person intentionally works to look and act older or younger to "match" their partner.
  - Lampooning: The couple deflects judgment by making jokes about their age gap.
  - Dismissing: The couple simply ignores outside opinions and judgments as if they don't exist.
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You and your partner have different frames of reference. You grew up on Spongebob Squarepants and quote it on the daily—but your partner was already well into adulthood when the show came out and never understands what you’re talking about. Or they try to tell you about their experience at Woodstock and you think they’re referring to the little yellow bird from Charlie Brown. You’ll never date someone who understands all your references, but being from different generations can make it hard to relate to one another sometimes.
- Also consider that if there’s a big age gap, your significant other may find it difficult to relate to your circle of friends and vice versa, so if it’s important that your significant other be able to mesh with your friend group, know that this may be tricky.
- This doesn’t mean the relationship can’t work. While you may not have certain cultural experiences in common, there are plenty of other ways for you both to bond—and you can save your Spongebob references for buddies your age.
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You may have different priorities. When you’re dating someone way older or younger, you’re likely to be at different stages in your life. They may be just graduating college and looking to jumpstart their career, while you may be entering middle age and considering retirement. This doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, and a difference in age doesn’t guarantee incompatible priorities, but it’s a potential factor for couples with a large age gap.
- If you’re dating someone way older than you, it’s possible they’ll have already passed and won't wish to repeat a lot of milestones that may or may not be important for you to experience, like getting married or having children.
- Be sure to really ask yourselves what you want and need from the relationship at the start, and to communicate expectations as soon as you can—just as you would when dating someone your age. It’s never safe to assume you and your partner are on the same page about what you’re looking for in a relationship, regardless of age.
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The older partner may experience more health concerns. Depending on the ages of the people in the relationship, the older partner may start to deal with some age-related health concerns—and if not, they may be considering their mortality more seriously than their younger partner is prepared to do. This doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, but it may contribute to a difference in priorities between the partners.
- Mortality is a concern in all couples, even young couples of the same age, but it might be brought to the foreground in a couple where one partner is nearing old age.

Section 4 of 4:

Is it OK to date someone 20 years older or younger?

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Ultimately, it’s up to both partners, as long as they’re able to consent. There are some big hurdles to the success of an age gap relationship with a big age gap. While these hurdles may make the relationship tricky to navigate at times, they don’t have to prevent you from having a happy and healthy life together. All relationships, no matter the age difference, require the following traits in order to thrive:^{[11]XResearch source}
- Good communication: Just as you would in any relationship, regularly check in with your partner to communicate your feelings and expectations, and listen to their feelings as well.
- Honesty and accountability: Each partner must accept responsibility for their actions and remain open and transparent with one another.
- Compromise: A large age gap may make it easier for the older partner to have the upper hand in the relationship, but relationships aren't about control: they're about mutual respect, trust, and negotiation. Both partners must have an equal voice.
- Intimacy: Both partners must respect one another's boundaries while cultivating intimacy, whether it's emotional or physical intimacy or both.
- Personal integrity: Each partner maintains their own sense of self and independence in the relationship. This is a concern for all couples, regardless of age, but it may be particularly relevant to couples in which one partner is significantly younger than the other and perhaps less mature.

Attract and Date an Older Man with this Expert Series

There's nothing wrong with an age gap in an adult relationship as long as both people are on the same page. Learn how to attract and date the man of your dreams with this expert series.