30 Things Your Partner Shouldn’t Say to You & How to Deal If They Do

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These statements are major relationship red flags

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IN THIS ARTICLE

1“This is all your fault.”

2“I don’t have time for this.”

3“What’s wrong with you?”

4“What do you actually do all day?”

5“I see you haven’t completed this task yet.”

6“You’re overreacting.”

7“Remember what happened last time?”

8“Stop being so needy.”

9“You’re crazy!”

10“I told you so.”

11“You always…” or “You never…”

12“You’re lying.”

13“I don’t care.”

14“That’s it, I’m done!”

15“Are you that stupid?”

16“Don’t wear that.”

17“You just don’t turn me on.”

18“You’re not the same person you used to be.”

19“Grow up!”

20“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

21“Shut up!”

22“This is why your ex left you.”

23“What have you ever done for me?”

24“I’m so angry I could slap you!”

25“I hate you.”

26“I wish you were more like…”

27“If you loved me, you would do this for me.”

28“Your friend looked hot today.”

29“This is just how I am.”

30“You complete me.”

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As you try to build a strong and healthy relationship with your partner, what you don’t say can be just as crucial as what you do. There are some things your partner should never say to you (and vice versa) because the wrong words said in anger can really end up damaging a relationship. That’s why we’re here to help you recognize when your partner crosses the line. Read on for a comprehensive list of things your partner shouldn’t say to you, plus tips on addressing and dealing with the problem.

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1

“This is all your fault.”

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1. 
   Your partner shouldn’t make you believe you’re to blame for everything. Relationships are a two-way street; nothing is ever only your fault, and your partner is out of line if they try to place all the responsibility on your shoulders. Sure, you’ll make mistakes sometimes, but so will they, and both of you are equally responsible for maintaining your relationship in the long term.

   • If your partner starts pointing fingers, refuse to play the blame game with them. Remind them that you both need to accept your mistakes and solve problems together, not argue about who messed up more.
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2

“I don’t have time for this.”

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1. 
   In healthy relationships, both partners must listen to one another. Shrugging you off by saying, “I don’t have time for this,” won’t help your partner understand your needs and may make you feel unsupported and alone. In fact, if your partner claims they don’t have time to listen to your concerns, it may feel like they just don’t have time for a relationship with you, period.

   • Your partner may say this as a defensive mechanism if they feel attacked or pressured. Make sure you approach them respectfully when you’re addressing a problem, so they’ll be more open to a discussion.

3

“What’s wrong with you?”

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1. 
   Disparaging comments can negatively affect your self-confidence. Watch out for cruel remarks like “You can’t do anything right” or “Why do you always mess things up?” By doubting your abilities, your partner may be trying to undermine your confidence and make you feel bad about yourself. Remember: you deserve to feel supported by your partner, not more insecure when you’re around them.

   • Let your partner know that their words were hurtful and that it’s not okay to say things like that to you. Set a boundary as soon as possible by asking your partner not to insult your abilities.
   • For example, you could say, “I feel very hurt when you call my abilities into question like that. I do my best to support you and need you to do the same for me. Please don’t say things like that to me in the future.”
   • Find ways to boost your self-confidence, including making time for self-care and positive affirmations every day. Don’t let anyone, even your partner, make you feel like there’s something wrong with you.
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4

“What do you actually do all day?”

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1. 
   Your career isn’t an excuse for your partner to belittle you. Whether you’re a homemaker, an artist, or a lawyer, your profession is valid—so watch out for unkind remarks like “Get a real job” or “What did you even do today?” It isn’t your partner’s responsibility to question your career choices, and if you’re happy with your job or career path, they don’t get to make you feel bad about it.

   • The next time your partner asks this question, be prepared! Make a list of everything you do in a day, and read them off one by one. Better yet, give the list to your partner and tell them to read it the next time they wonder what you do.

5

“I see you haven’t completed this task yet.”

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1. 
   Too many complaints can flood a relationship with negativity. Does it ever feel like your partner has a lot of negative things to say but nothing positive to add to the conversation? Having a valid concern or complaint is okay, but a healthy relationship should still have more positive moments than negative ones. If your partner is constantly complaining, it can take a toll on the relationship.

   • Try using the 5:1 Ratio rule, a concept from relationship researcher John Gottman. For every negative feeling or interaction in the relationship, there must be 5 (or more) positive ones.
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6

“You’re overreacting.”

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1. 
   Undermining someone’s emotions can make them feel invalid. Does your partner say things like, “Don’t get so defensive,” “You’re too sensitive,” or “You’re overreacting”? They may be trying to calm you down when you’re upset, but dismissing your feelings like that will likely only confuse and frustrate you. Your partner should let you vent, not tell you how to react to something.

   • Point out how statements like “You’re overreacting” make you feel. If your partner knows how dismissive they sound, they may try to communicate differently in the future.
   • If your partner doesn’t see a problem with their behavior, don’t let them write you off as “defensive” or “sensitive.” Explain that your feelings are valid, and you need them to listen to you, even if they disagree.
   • For example, try saying, “I don’t think I’m overreacting, and I need you to hear me out right now, even if you don’t think it’s a big deal.”

7

“Remember what happened last time?”

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1. 
   Continually bringing up past mistakes only creates hurt and resentment. Does your partner keep finding ways to remind you of old mistakes or arguments? All that really does is rub your face in all of your old regrets and, ultimately, hurt your feelings. It’s definitely not a good way for your partner to get what they want or resolve a current problem.

   • Ask your partner to leave the past in the rearview mirror, and explain why you feel upset when they mention something you thought was already resolved.
   • Remember: it’s okay to bring up an ongoing issue and reference examples that happened in the past, but it’s best to do that when you and your partner are both calm and ready to have a respectful discussion.
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8

“Stop being so needy.”

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1. 
   Criticism is not the best way for your partner to resolve issues. Whether you’re truly acting overly clingy or your behavior is totally normal, statements like, “You’re too needy” or “Stop being so clingy” are a poor way for your partner to express themselves. If they have a problem, they need to talk it out with you—not attack you with critical remarks.

   • If your partner claims you’re too needy, it might be time to talk with them and get on the same page about how much affection and quality time each of you expects from the relationship.
   • Lead by example and show your partner that talking things out is much more productive than criticism. Remind them that the next time they feel frustrated about something, it’s okay to come and talk to you about it.

9

“You’re crazy!”

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1. 
   Your partner may be gaslighting you into doubting yourself. Even if they disagree with you, a partner shouldn’t make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. Remarks like, “You’re crazy,” “You’re paranoid,” or “You’re making that up” can be a form of gaslighting, which is a manipulative tactic intended to make you doubt your perception of reality and a common sign of a toxic relationship.

   • To deal with a gaslighting partner, stick to your guns. Maintain that your version of events is true and accurate, and refute their claims with clear, specific examples of the problem to prove you’re not “crazy” or “paranoid.”
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10

“I told you so.”

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1. 
   A partner saying “I told you so” can make you feel foolish or inferior. Being right can sometimes feel pretty satisfying, but rubbing it in is petty behavior. Statements like “I told you so” or “I guess I was right, then” imply that your partner is more focused on being right than solving problems or supporting you. Plus, if they did actually “tell you so,” you’re already aware—they don’t have to make you feel bad by saying it.

   • If your partner says, “I told you so,” do your best to redirect the conversation and get it back on track. You could say something like, “Yes, you did. So, as I was saying…”
   • Of course, if this is a frequent problem, try talking to your partner about it when both of you are calm and in a good headspace for a discussion.
   • You could say, “I know you didn’t know this when you said it earlier, but hearing I told you so makes me feel hurt and embarrassed.”

11

“You always…” or “You never…”

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1. 
   Speaking in absolutes is a hurtful way to exaggerate an issue. Look out for statements like “You’re always late” or “You never do the dishes.” Your partner may be trying to express a concern, but they’re not doing it constructively. Using absolutes like “always” and “never” can sound incredibly accusatory, like they’re attacking your character rather than discussing relationship issues.

   • Ask your partner to be more specific with their concerns, and don’t be afraid to use concrete examples to dispute their words, either.
   • For example, you could say, “Actually, I did the dishes last week. Are you saying you’d like me to do them again today?”
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12

“You’re lying.”

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1. 
   Calling you a liar indicates a lack of trust in the relationship. Does your partner say things like “I don’t believe you” or “You’re a liar”? Trust is integral to any relationship; it’s hard to build a strong partnership without it. Trust issues can drive a wedge between you—and even if your partner really suspects you aren’t telling the truth, accusatory statements aren’t the way to express that.

   • Build up trust between you and your partner. Be honest, vulnerable, and willing to own up to your mistakes, and ask your partner to do the same. If you both put in the work, your trust will grow in time.

13

“I don’t care.”

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1. 
   Loving partners always care for one another’s needs, even in a conflict. If you feel like your partner doesn’t really care about you (and if they say things like “I don’t care” or “Whatever” to reinforce that), it can make you feel insecure about the strength of your relationship over time. Even during moments of frustration or anger, your partner shouldn’t make you feel like they don’t care anymore.

   • Tell your partner how their words make you feel. You could say something like, “I don’t know if you really meant it, but hearing that you don’t care about something I’m saying makes me feel upset and ignored.”
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14

“That’s it, I’m done!”

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1. 
   Threatening to leave isn’t a healthy way to make a point. During arguments, does your partner often make remarks like, “We’re over!” or “I can’t do this anymore”? It’s natural to get frustrated sometimes, even with loved ones, but threatening a breakup isn’t supposed to be a tool your partner uses to get their way. Couples should only discuss breaking up if they're truly serious about it.

   • Consider implementing a “no breakup talk” rule for arguments.
   • Let your partner know that the only time either of you should talk about breaking up is when you’re actually considering it—so, during arguments, both of you can find healthier ways to express your frustration.

15

“Are you that stupid?”

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1. 
   Your partner may be trying to discourage you from speaking up. If your partner says things like, “Are you really that stupid?” or “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” it’s just another way to undermine your thoughts and opinions. That kind of comment can make you afraid to say what you’re thinking in front of them or think you’re stupid (even though that’s not the case).

   • If your partner doesn’t seem aware of how hurtful their comment was, let them know. Tell them you’re not stupid and don’t appreciate comments that imply otherwise.
   • You could say something like, “I’m not stupid, and it hurts to hear that you think I am. If you don’t agree with me, please say so more respectfully in the future.”
   • Remember: a partner who values you, and the things you have to say, shouldn’t dismiss you like that.
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16

“Don’t wear that.”

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1. 
   Your partner should never control what you do or say. Giving advice to a partner is all well and good, but it crosses a line when one partner tells the other what to do outright. If your partner exhibits controlling behavior, saying things like “Don’t wear that, it looks bad,” or “Don’t hang out with her, I don’t like her,” that’s not actually helpful; it’s just taking away your ability to choose things for yourself.

   • Remind your partner that you’ll still make your own choices. You may ask for their opinion, but ultimately, you get to decide what to wear, who to spend time with, and so on.
   • If your partner has a concern, they should voice that concern and work towards a solution with you, not make demands.
   • For example, say your partner is jealous of someone and doesn’t like seeing you with them. A better way to express their thoughts would be, “I trust you, but I can’t help feeling anxious about this person’s intentions.”

17

“You just don’t turn me on.”

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1. 
   Hearing your partner judge you can really hurt your self-esteem. It’s natural for couples to go through highs and lows in their passion for one another; relationships are rarely static. However, that doesn’t mean it’s okay for your partner to say hurtful things like, “I’m not attracted to you,” or “You’re not doing it for me anymore.” It’s disrespectful, breaks trust in the relationship, and can make you feel inadequate.

   • It’s certainly possible to reignite the spark between you if both of you work at it. Have a talk to find out what caused the decrease in attraction. Then, work on bringing it back by making time for dates and more romantic one-on-one time.
   • Whether you stay with your partner or not, protecting your sense of self-worth and confidence is important. Be kind to yourself, and recite positive affirmations to remind yourself that you’re a desirable person.
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18

“You’re not the same person you used to be.”

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1. 
   Your partner may be rudely implying there’s something wrong with you. Comments like “You’ve changed” or “You’re not the same person” can sow a lot of doubt in your mind and make you feel like you’ve done something wrong. The truth is, you’re just being yourself. People change over time, and that’s not a bad thing. Your partner isn’t being fair if he or she expects you to remain exactly the same forever.

   • Remind your partner that change is a part of life. You don’t have to apologize for naturally growing as a person.
   • You could say, “What do you mean by that? I’ve definitely changed since we met, and so have you, but that’s only natural. Is there something specific bothering you?”

19

“Grow up!”

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1. 
   “Grow up” is a hurtful (and immature) way to attack your character. Adults rarely tell each other to “Grow up” or “Man up” unless they’re trying to be intentionally mean. If your partner says something like that to you, it’s likely a form of contempt—which essentially means your partner is trying to belittle you and put themselves in a position of superiority by implying you’re childish.

   • If your partner is upset, they should respectfully explain why rather than slinging insults. Ask them to have an honest (and mature) discussion about why they’re frustrated and what you can do to fix the issue.
   • You could say, “Being told to grow up makes me feel humiliated. I can see you’re frustrated, and I’m just trying to understand why.”
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20

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

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   Halfhearted apologies don’t convey any remorse or sincerity. If your partner wants to give a proper apology, they need to apologize for whatever you’re mad about—not the fact that you feel upset. By saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” they’re not taking ownership of their mistake, making it sound like they’re not actually sorry for upsetting you at all.

   • If your partner has done something to frustrate you, explain why their actions were upsetting and ask for a genuine apology; you’re not obligated to accept a halfhearted one.
   • For example, you could say, “It really hurt my feelings when you didn’t show up on time for dinner, and I need you to acknowledge that.”

21

“Shut up!”

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1. 
   “Shut up” is a rude and demeaning thing for a partner to say to you. If your partner says this, they really mean that they just don’t want to hear what you have to say—or care to know your thoughts and feelings. Even if your partner isn’t in the right mindset to talk at the moment, there are far more respectful ways to express that.

   • Call your partner out on their rudeness. Remind them that you’re happy to give them space when they need it, but “Shut up” is not an acceptable way to ask for it.
   • You could say, “Please don’t tell me to shut up. If you don’t want to talk right now, that’s fine; just tell me that and I will give you space.”
   • If your partner is really angry, you might give them time to cool off before confronting them about what they said. Don’t get upset or start shouting; just calmly discuss the situation with them.
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22

“This is why your ex left you.”

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1. 
   Your partner shouldn’t say needlessly hurtful things in anger. In most cases, a partner would only say something like, “That’s probably why your ex left,” if they truly wanted to hurt your feelings. Phrases like that definitely don’t help fix problems between you, and they aren’t constructive—so if you hear your partner say it, they’re most likely just being cruel out of anger or spite.

   • If your partner comments about your ex leaving you, make it clear that their remark was both cruel and totally unnecessary. You deserve a sincere apology from them, at the very least.
   • Try something like, “You know that breakup was painful for me, and hearing you bring it up makes me feel extremely hurt. If I’ve done something to upset you, please tell me about it without referencing my past relationships.”

23

“What have you ever done for me?”

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1. 
   A partner shouldn’t dismiss the effort you put into the relationship. By saying, “What have you ever done for me?” your partner is disregarding every nice thing you’ve ever done for them, from gifts to words of encouragement and support. They may just be saying that because they’re upset about something, but it’s still an unfair and insensitive thing to say.

   • Ask your partner to respectfully explain what they need from you in a given situation, rather than getting upset and acting like you never help them with anything.
   • You could say, “I’ve tried to be a supportive and helpful partner, and it hurts to hear that you don’t see that. If you need something specific from me, you can always tell me about it.”
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24

“I’m so angry I could slap you!”

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1. 
   Threatening physical violence is a huge red flag, no matter what. Even if you don’t think your partner is really capable of harming you physically, that doesn’t mean they should get away with threatening to do it out of anger during an argument. Think of it this way: physical violence is utterly unacceptable, so why should a threat be any different?

   • If your partner threatens violence, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Getting out early is better than waiting for things to escalate the next time you argue.
   • Even if you feel like your partner was just venting frustration and you don’t want to leave, it’s important to set a clear and hard boundary. Tell them their words were unacceptable, and something like that can’t happen again.

25

“I hate you.”

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1. 
   Saying “I hate you” can spell the beginning of the end in a relationship. Saying things you don’t really mean in the heat of the moment is something that happens to everyone from time to time, but it’s hard to take back, “I don’t love you,” “I hate you,” or “I can’t stand you.” If your partner says something like that, even impulsively, it can create a lot of doubt about the relationship's future.

   • If your partner says something like that, explain to them that, even in moments of anger, it’s important only to say things they really mean.
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26

“I wish you were more like…”

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1. 
   Comparisons imply that your partner wants to change you in some way. The only person you’ll ever need to be is yourself. If your partner wants you to be someone else or change yourself to meet their expectations, that's unfair to you. By comparing you to others, no matter who it is, your partner is suggesting that one of you is better when they really should be celebrating the person you are.

   • Try explaining to your partner how their comparison comments make you feel and ask them to avoid comparing you to other people in the future.
   • Remember to be yourself no matter what. You’re worthy of love exactly as you are; if your current partner can’t see that, a future one will.

27

“If you loved me, you would do this for me.”

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1. 
   Guilt-tripping is a manipulative way for them to get what they want. By implying that you must somehow prove your love for them, your partner is trying to manipulate you into agreeing with them or doing what they say. In other words, they’re using your love as a tool to put pressure on you—and that’s not okay. You can love someone and still respectfully say “no” or disagree.

   • If this happens, stand your ground. Being in love doesn’t mean giving in to everything your partner says, so explain your reasons for saying no and remind your partner that lack of love is not the real issue.
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28

“Your friend looked hot today.”

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1. 
   Implying that they’re attracted to your friend is unnecessarily hurtful. Is talking about how cute your friends are the same as cheating? No, but it’s likely pretty upsetting nonetheless. A considerate partner should know better than to casually mention that they’re attracted to your friend, or anyone else, for that matter.

   • Remember that there’s a difference between saying, “Your friend is hot,” and offering someone a compliment.
   • For example, a compliment like, “Hey, I love the new haircut!” is totally fine, while a statement like, “Your friend is a total babe,” is definitely out-of-bounds.

29

“This is just how I am.”

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1. 
   Making excuses isn’t a productive way to deal with relationship issues. If you tell your partner about something that upsets you, and they say, “This is just how I am,” or “That’s how it is,” they’re really saying, “I don’t feel like fixing this problem or taking responsibility for it.” They’re essentially stonewalling you, shooting down your concerns and refusing to put the same amount of effort into the relationship as you.

   • For example, if you tell your partner, “I feel uneasy when I don’t hear from you for days at a time,” and they say, “That’s just how I am,” they’re not making any effort to understand your feelings or meet you halfway.
   • Strong relationships have a healthy give-and-take between partners. If your partner isn’t willing to listen to your concerns or compromise, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship.
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30

“You complete me.”

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1. 
   It’s unhealthy for one partner to be overly dependent on the other. You might think that “You complete me” is a sweet thing to say, but it implies that your partner relies on you for happiness a little too much. Essentially, it means they don’t feel like a complete person without a romantic partner, which isn’t a healthy outlook. Romance is beautiful, but it doesn’t “complete” anyone!

   • Remind your partner that they are a complete person no matter what, and so are you. Your relationship doesn’t define either of you.
   • If your partner has dependency issues, they might become overly attached—but it’s important for partners to have their own lives, too. Explain that you love them, but you also need to take time for yourself on a regular basis.

Expert Q&A

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• Question

  How can I improve my conversations with my partner?

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Expert Answer

  Before you say something, ask yourself 2 questions: "Is it true?" and "Is it kind?" Speaking to your partner isn't just about sharing the truth—it's also about speaking with kindness and gentleness. You have to think about how the person may perceive it. How sensitive are they? What are their weaknesses? Are they willing to listen? If you're able to answer "yes" to the "Is it true?" and "Is it kind?" questions, go ahead and say what you want to say.

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