14 Ways to Talk to Someone Who Doesn't Carry the Conversation

Avoid one-sided interactions and draw out shy people with these tips

Some people can carry on a conversation with ease, but for others, chatting doesn’t come as naturally. When you’re interacting with someone shy or who you don’t know very well, how do you keep the convo alive? This article is for you: whether you’re at a work function, at school, or at a dinner party, we’ve got all the tips you need to chat with someone who doesn’t carry the conversation, from initiating the interaction to getting them to open up. Keep reading to learn more!

Things You Should Know

When talking to someone who doesn’t carry a conversation, try to stick to topics common to you both, such as mutual friends or the event you’re both at.
Ask open-ended questions to draw them out—for instance, instead of, “Did you have a nice weekend?” ask, “What did you do over the weekend?”
Once you do get them to open up, be sure to listen attentively to what they have to say to encourage them to carry the conversation with you.

1

Ask open-ended questions.

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Questions without “yes” or “no” answers will draw them out. Whether you know this person already or you are talking with someone new, show your interest in the other person and encourage them to participate more in the conversation. The best way to do this is by asking questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. Try to phrase your questions in such a way that it elicits a more detailed response. For example:^{[1]XResearch source}
- Instead of asking, “Did you have a nice weekend?” try saying, “What did you do this weekend?”
- Instead of asking, “I like this appetizer, do you?” try saying, “If this was your event, what would you put on the menu?”
- Instead of asking, “Have we met before?” try saying, “I think we met at Jake’s birthday party a few months ago, what have you been up to since then?”

2

Comment on a topic common to both of you.

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It’s easier to talk about topics you’re both familiar with. As you ease into speaking with one another, focus on things that you both have in common at the moment, like the room you are in, the event you are attending, or the neighborhood where it is located.^{[2]XExpert SourceKevin Wang
Social Events SpecialistExpert Interview. 15 July 2022.} You can offer up information about yourself at this time, making yourself seem more open and interested. For example:^{[3]XResearch source}
- “I went to college with Gina in Iowa. How do you know the hosts?”
- “I’ve always been interested in marketing strategies. What brings you to this event?”
- “I don’t live around here, but this neighborhood is so pretty. Do you know this area well?”

3

Offer them sincere compliments.

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Compliments are a great way to relax someone and draw them out. Start by identifying something about them that you admire, whether it’s an article of clothing, their hairstyle, or something you know about them—such as that they aced that last big math test—and comment on it. Once they acknowledge the compliment, continue the conversation by asking them more about the thing you’ve commented on. It’s a tried and true way to make new friends, as long as you’re sincere.^{[4]XResearch source}
- “I just love vintage jewelry! There’s got to be a story behind that necklace.”
- “I can never manage to get my hair to do that. How long does it take you to get that ‘do?”
- “That test was such a bear! How did you manage to pass, let alone ace it?”

4

Use humor to break the ice.

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Adding a splash of humor can help you both loosen up. If the person you’re talking to is uncomfortable chatting with people they don’t know well, try telling a joke to help them feel relaxed. Laughing is a great way to alleviate nerves and help everyone feel more calm and confident. It’s also a great way to bond with someone you don’t know well!^{[5]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}
- You can break the ice with a joke, like “What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!” or center your humor on your immediate surroundings. Try to keep your humor lighthearted, and avoid mean-spirited jokes—especially humor at their expense.
- Keep in mind that laughter may not be appropriate for every occasion or conversation topic, and that it’s shared laughter that brings two people together: if your conversation partner doesn’t seem to be enjoying your humor, try to reel it in.

5

Thread the conversation from one topic to another.

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Threading can help you identify promising conversation topics. Threading is a technique that involves dissecting each statement a person makes into parts, and then choosing a part to follow up with to keep the conversation going. This will help you to respond to their comments without coming across as interrogative. For example:
- If a person says, “I just got back from a work trip and I’m really tired,” you could ask them about their job and about where they traveled.
- Choose one of these threads and respond with a question or an anecdote like, “I used to have to travel for work a lot, which could be cool, but was definitely exhausting. Where did you go?” or “What kind of job do you have? Do you enjoy it?”

6

Prepare some talking points beforehand.

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Having topics planned out can help you initiate conversation. Whether you’re going to a specific event where you will have to speak with people or you just want to be prepared to talk with anyone throughout the day, it can be very helpful to have some talking points ready. These talking points can help you initiate a conversation and keep the conversation going if the person you are talking to is not a good conversationalist. ^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- Before you go out for the day, read up on current events in the paper or online, and make note of interesting stories.

7

Maintain eye contact.

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Looking at someone while they talk shows them that you respect them. It also shows that you’re listening to them and engaged in the conversation. If the person you’re speaking with already has trouble carrying a conversation, they may feel uncomfortable speaking with you if you look like you don’t care.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Avoid looking beyond the person to other people walking by—stay present, focused, and respectful.
- At the same time, try not to stare too intensely at the person you’re speaking to! Keep the eye contact warm and inviting.

8

Mirror their body language.

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Put them at ease by mimicking their movements. If the person you’re trying to engage is sitting relaxed on a chair and you’re standing over them, they may feel ill at ease. Adopting the same body language and position of the person you’re talking to may make them feel more comfortable and safe.^{[8]XResearch source}
- After adopting the same body language, start to slightly open up your body language a bit: face them a little and relax your posture, and they may start to open up more too.

9

Display engaged body language.

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Open body language will make you appear calm, confident, and inviting. If you haven't met before, introduce yourself. If you've already met, be warm in your greeting. As you begin the conversation, try to be inviting and exude confidence. If you seem at ease with making conversation, this will help put the other person at ease as well.^{[9]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Avoid defensive body language like crossing your arms, and always smile openly and make eye contact with the person.

10

Avoid sensitive topics.

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Stick to topics you’ll both be comfortable talking about. Talking about subjects they can’t or don’t want to add to might make them feel uncomfortable or uninformed. Instead, focus your open-ended questions on more universal topics like their family, their interests, their travels, and their work. While you may be able to delve into more substantial subjects if the conversation progresses that way, it’s almost always good advice to avoid the following subjects when you first start talking to someone:^{[10]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source}
- Religion
- Politics
- Money
- Family problems
- Health problems
- Sex

11

Take turns asking questions.

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Even if they’re shy, try not to let the convo become one-sided. If the person you’re talking to starts to warm up a little bit and participates in the conversation more, be sure to allow them to reciprocate by asking you some questions.^{[11]XExpert SourceKevin Wang
Social Events SpecialistExpert Interview. 15 July 2022.} Be open and willing to answer any questions they may have for you: they may feel encouraged to keep up the conversation.^{[12]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good in ActionAn initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful lifeGo to source}
- When it’s your turn to ask them a question, avoid firing question after question at them as it could come across like you’re interviewing or interrogating them.

12

Involve others in the conversation.

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Opening the convo up can take some of the pressure off the other person. If you’re struggling to draw them out a bit, involve someone nearby in your interaction. This may help the person you’re trying to carry on a conversation with may feel more relaxed and less like there’s a spotlight shining on them. It may also give them more time to think of things to contribute to the discussion.
- Just be careful not to shift all your attention to the new person or people, or the first person could feel rejected or excluded. Be sure to glance at them occasionally and keep your body angled slightly towards them so they know they’re still involved in the discussion.

13

Listen carefully and give positive feedback.

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To be a good conversationalist, you must be a good listener. As you carry the conversation and encourage the other person to talk, be sure that you’re listening attentively to what they say when they do speak up.^{[13]XExpert SourceKelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship CoachExpert Interview. 11 June 2020.} When they respond, give them positive feedback so that they are encouraged to continue joining in. For example:
- “That’s so interesting! You’re full of great stories.”
- “Wow, where did you learn so much about that topic?”
- “That book sounds great! I’ve been meaning to learn more about that subject, so I’ll check it out.”

14

End the conversation positively.

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Wrap things up by telling them what a pleasure it was to chat with them. When it's time for you to part ways, let the person know that you enjoyed talking with them. If they struggle to talk to others, they may feel encouraged by knowing that you liked talking with them. If you want to, exchange contact information and say you’d enjoy talking again, but only do this if you’re sincere about it. Try to say something complimentary as you leave, and be sincere when you say it. For example:
- “I have to go find my table, but it was really nice meeting you. Thank you for keeping me company in this line!”
- “I enjoyed chatting with you, and I look forward to seeing you at the next conference!”
- “I really enjoyed meeting you, and I will definitely look up that article you mentioned.”

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I'm always the one carrying the conversation with this one friend. I feel weird that she doesn't ask me any questions. What should I do?
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Try holding back slightly when speaking with her. Be polite and give her the opportunity to either carry the conversation or navigate the conversation to something she is more interested in.
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How do I talk to someone I like, but don't talk to? And they seem really shy/uninterested?
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Begin by saying "hi" or by greeting them in a polite manner, then ask them questions that reveal more things about them. This will make them open up to you. Do not sound really clingy or intrusive, make the conversation sound as if it is coming out naturally.
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What can I say to a person who will not respond to me due to the fact that they are mad at me?
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Sincerely apologize for your actions, and give that person time to process their feelings.
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Tips

Avoid saying things like, “Well aren’t you quiet!” or “I don't bite!” when speaking with someone who is a reluctant conversationalist. It may make them feel a little awkward, or even insulted.
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Try to avoid interrupting a person when they are talking. It could make it seem like you want to carry the conversation on your own and may deter the other person from participating.
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Some people might just not be in the mood to chat, and that’s OK. If the person still isn't interested after you've made a few attempts to engage them, gracefully push off with a “Nice to see you” or an “I'm sorry I caught you at a bad time.”
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