How to Take It Slow in a Relationship to Make It Last

Experts give advice on slowing things down with your partner

When you’re first starting a new relationship, taking things slowly is a great way to protect your heart and meet the right person for you. Fortunately, there are tons of people out there (like you!) who want to take things slow and get to know their partner more to form a deep, intimate connection before committing. If you’re ready to set your boundaries and control the pace of your relationship, keep reading: we’ve got all the tips you’ll need to go slowly with your partner.

Things You Should Know

Set your boundaries early on, and be honest about what you’re comfortable with, like not labeling the relationship or waiting to have sex.
Learn more about your partner by asking fun questions, like, “What’s your happiest childhood memory?” or, “What are your career goals?”
Plan fun, casual dates, like picnics or bike rides, to avoid putting pressure on the relationship.

1

Find a partner with your same priorities.

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Choose a partner who wants to take things slow to avoid conflict. Your choice of partner is the most important factor in practically any relationship. However, when you're set on taking a relationship slowly, it's even more important than normal. Look for someone who can respect your choice to limit your intimacy.^{[1]XExpert SourceErika Kaplan
Relationship AdvisorExpert Interview. 1 October 2020.} This should be a person who isn't only focused on the physical aspects of a relationship. You want someone who's more interested in your thoughts than your body.^{[2]XResearch source}
- You can find people who meet these criteria anywhere. However, you may have the most success if you try places where people like this are likely to gather.
- For example, since many religions teach that sex before marriage should be avoided, you may find good potential partners in religious youth groups or places of worship.

2

Set boundaries with the person you're dating early on.

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Be clear about what you’re comfortable with to avoid confusion. Set physical boundaries early on. Be clear and explicit about what you are (and aren't) comfortable with. It can be alarming if your physical limits come as a surprise to your partner in the "heat of the moment," so take the opportunity to be up-front before you start getting affectionate.^{[3]XResearch source} Also discuss what you’re comfortable with emotionally or how serious you’d like to get.
- Say something like, “Just so you know, it’s important that I wait until marriage before having sex.”
- Or, “I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now, but I’d really love to keep seeing each other casually.”
- Or, “I really like you, but I’d prefer if we didn’t have sex until we’re in an exclusive relationship.”
- Don't be afraid to tell your partner "no" if they get too "touchy-feely" for you. If your partner won't listen to repeated warnings, have a serious discussion about respecting your boundaries.

3

Hang out only a few times a week.

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Keep up with other aspects of your life while dating at the same time. Part of a slow relationship means not seeing each other every single day. Instead of hanging out all the time, plan dates a few times a week (or even less, if you’d prefer). That way, you can both live your lives outside of the relationship without dedicating all your time to it.^{[4]XExpert SourceJohn Keegan
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 29 June 2021.}
- The same thing goes for texting and calling each other, too. Give each other space by not talking 24/7.

4

Go on casual, fun dates.

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Plan chill outings to focus on having fun. Take time to go out, explore the world, and treat each other to small luxuries. Whatever you and your partner enjoy doing together is fair game. The good news is that there are many, many things to do that don't involve physical intimacy. Enjoy traditional dates like dinner and a movie, or get creative with dates like rock climbing.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Splashing out on big, expensive dates can make the relationship feel more serious than it is. Keep things casual with fun, relaxed dates, like picnicking in the park or going for a bike ride.

5

Flirt with your partner.

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Keep the spark alive by getting a little saucy with your partner. Just because you're taking things slow doesn't mean your relationship has to be boring. Keep things exciting by learning how to flirt and putting your knowledge into practice. With a little effort, your relationship can be a source of great passion, even if you're waiting to get intimate.^{[6]XResearch source}
- For instance, you might compliment your partner or tell them how good they look with a saucy wink.
- Or, you might give them a back rub or touch them on the arm when you’re sitting next to them.

6

Learn more about your significant other.

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Form an emotional connection to make you more comfortable. ^{[7]XExpert SourceJohn Keegan
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 29 June 2021.} Ask them deep questions, like what makes them happy or what their long-term goals are. The more you can focus on your emotional connection, the more you’ll create a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. Try questions like:
- “What’s your best childhood memory?”
- “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
- “What are your career goals?”
- “What do you like to do to relax on the weekends?”

7

Spend time apart.

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Slow things down by doing things without each other. Since you trust your partner to respect your pace for the relationship, trust your partner when they aren’t with you. Don't try to restrict your partner's time with friends, family, or other people who are important to them. Give your partner enough space to have some alone time when they want it.^{[8]XResearch source} Remember that respect is a two-way street.
- When you’re taking a relationship slowly, you probably won’t see your partner every day. Get comfortable with that, and make peace with the fact that your partner has their own life outside of the relationship.

8

Don’t label the relationship.

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Focus on having fun instead of asking, “What are we?” Defining the relationship is definitely important, but it can speed up your partnership, especially early on. If you really want to take things slow, don’t give each other labels or call each other “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.”^{[9]XResearch source}
- You can still be exclusive if you want, but it’s possible to be in an exclusive relationship without labels.
- For instance, you might say, “I’ve been having a lot of fun getting to know you, but I don’t want to label our relationship just yet. I’d like to wait and feel it out for a couple more weeks before I’m ready to make that commitment.”

9

Wait to meet your partner’s family.

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Meeting the family can put a lot of pressure on your relationship. While it might be convenient to visit your partner’s parents on a road trip or see their family on vacation, that doesn’t mesh with a relationship you’re trying to take slowly. There’s no specific timeline for how long you need to wait, but try to avoid meeting your partner’s family until you’re sure you want to be in a long-term, committed relationship with them.^{[10]XResearch source}
- Explain this to your partner by saying something like, “I’m sure your family is wonderful, and I’ll definitely want to meet them eventually. I think I’d be more comfortable if I waited until we’ve been dating for at least a year.”

10

Define your relationship by how happy you are.

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Measure the strength of your relationship by how you feel, not physicality. The things you've done with your partner, especially when it comes to physical affection and sex, aren't measures of how "good" your relationship is. At this stage, the most important thing is how you and your partner feel. If you both enjoy each others' company, you're affectionate, and you have open, caring attitudes towards each other, you're doing fine.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Keep in mind that not everyone will agree with this. Some people have different priorities for their relationships. It's OK to disagree with these people. If you're happy with your relationship, you don't need to let them pressure you into things you're not comfortable with.

11

Talk to your partner before taking things to the next level.

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Check in often with each other to make sure you’re both happy. Communication is vital to any relationship, but it's even more important when you're taking it slow.^{[12]XResearch source} Discuss the boundaries of your relationship often to make sure you’re both still comfortable with them. If there are any concerns from either side, talk things out and listen to each other respectfully.^{[13]XExpert SourceErika Kaplan
Relationship AdvisorExpert Interview. 1 October 2020.}
- For instance, maybe your partner would like to move in together, but you’re not ready yet. Let your partner know that while you’re committed to this relationship, you need to feel more secure before you take that next step.
- Have this conversation carefully and gently, especially if you’re telling your partner to pump the brakes. Check in with yourself first to understand what you want, then tell your partner clearly and calmly.^{[14]XExpert SourceErika Kaplan
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 1 October 2020.}
- It’s fine to compromise with your partner, but don’t be afraid to stand your ground. If your partner is asking you to do something that you’re not comfortable with, feel free to tell them no.

12

Keep the end goal for your relationship in mind.

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Think about your relationship’s future so you can plan ahead. It's a good idea to have an idea of where you want your relationship to be eventually, even if you're not there yet. You can gradually work towards this goal, making week-by-week progress as you take small steps toward it. If you don't have an end in mind for your relationship, it can be harder to justify your slow pace to a partner.^{[15]XResearch source}
- If you are a teen or pre-teen, having an end goal of "spending lots of time being affectionate with each other" is fine. There's no need to worry about "the L word" or marriage for a long time.
- If you're older, it's wise to know whether you plan to end up married, cohabiting, having children, and so on. This makes it easier to find a partner who's right for you (and get rid of ones who aren't). Plus, most adults who are willing to wait a long time to become physically intimate are interested in marriage or life-long relationships.

13

Take the relationship as slow as you want.

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Comparing your relationship to others will only bring you down. Being in a relationship should make you feel good (most of the time). If you find yourself frequently stressing out about whether or not you should take things to the next level, relax. These changes will happen naturally after you've decided that you're ready and you have discussed them with your partner. They aren't "checkboxes" to mark off as quickly as possible on the way to a "real" relationship.^{[16]XResearch source}
- If you suspect that your partner is unhappy with how slowly the relationship is progressing, have a serious conversation about it. It's best to address these problems head-on rather than pretending that they do not exist.

Expert Q&A

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Question
When should you open up to a new partner?
Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”
Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
Not having your heart completely open, and being able to walk away from a relationship, is actually a healthy thing until the right time—when your partner has proven to you through a track record of trust and respect. Then, you can fully open up.
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Tips

Don't buy into the idea that taking things slow sabotages your relationship before it even begins. Believe it or not, waiting to have sex or live together can significantly improve the long-term potential of a relationship.^{[17]XResearch source}
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Not ready to go on one-on-one dates with someone yet? Try group dates, which take the pressure to be interesting and conversational off of you for the entire outing.
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