How to Stop Abusing

Expert tips on how to stop relapsing if you’re an abusive partner

Many people who abuse others aren’t aware that what they’re doing is wrong or they know and don’t care. If you’ve identified abusive behaviors in yourself, you’re already moving in the right direction. Changing how you manage your emotions and interact with people around you takes time and lots of effort on your part, but you can do it if you’re committed to making a change. Seek support from friends and family, support groups, and a therapist.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Committing to Change

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1
Identify behaviors that are abusive. Abuse goes beyond hitting someone or calling them names. There are many other things that might not seem like abuse at first glance, but that are indeed abusive. Consider if you have engaged in other types of abusive behavior so that you can stop repeating it. Behaviors that may be considered abusive include:
- Verbally attacking someone, such as by criticizing them, blaming them, or insulting them
- Using intimidation or threats
- Isolating the person from their friends and family
- Threatening to kill yourself as a way to emotionally manipulate other people
- Withholding money, preventing the person from getting a job, or denying them other necessary resources
- Destroying the person’s belongings
- Sexually or physically assaulting the person
- Making angry gestures to frighten the person
2
Focus on how your behavior has hurt other people. Having empathy for those you have abused is an important part of changing your behavior. Take some time to think about how your actions have affected other people. They may have felt sad, frightened, hurt, or confused by your abuse. Try to put yourself into their shoes and imagine how you would have felt in their situation.^{[1]XResearch source}
- If you were abused as a child or by someone else, then you might already have a good understanding of how this feels. Reflect on how you felt when someone else abused you and recognize that you’re now doing that to someone else.
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3
Commit to making a change in your behavior. Once you have developed empathy for the person, commit to changing your behavior for the better. You are in control of what you say and do! You don’t have to abuse someone if you don’t want to. Commit now to stop abusing the person or people.^{[2]XResearch source}
- It might help to write your commitment down, such as in the form of a letter to yourself and sign it. For example, you could write, “Dear Janet, You are a good person, which is why you don’t want to hurt your loved ones any more. From this moment on, commit to stop abusing them verbally and find healthier ways to interact with them. Love, Janet.”
4
Identify reasonable alternatives to your former actions. Make a list of what you can do instead of verbally or physically abusing other people. Think about how you would like to handle situations where you feel frustrated and tend to lash out. What would be your ideal response in situations that usually upset you?^{[3]XTrustworthy SourceUniversity of Rochester Medical CenterLeading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and researchGo to source}
- For example, if you and your partner are arguing, you might list an alternative to name calling as taking a walk to clear your head.
- If your usual response to your child’s tantrums is to slap them, then you might list an alternative as having them sit in time out for 5 minutes.
- If you have used emotional manipulation to get a parent to do what you want, then you might commit to talking with them openly about your needs instead.
If you’re physically or verbally abusing someone who lives with you, the best outcome may be for them to live away from you temporarily or indefinitely. While this may be difficult for you, recognize that it might be the best situation for both of you. If they’re not living with you, then you’ll have fewer situations where you might abuse them and you can use this time apart to continue working on yourself.^{[4]XResearch source}
Warning: If your partner leaves you or if you’ve had your child or children taken away, you may not have a choice in the situation. However, you can choose to continue developing yourself personally with the goal of forging a healthy relationship with them in the future.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Managing Your Emotions and Actions

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1
Manage your expectations of other people. If you’ve lashed out physically or verbally out of feelings of frustration towards other people, taking some time to reflect on your expectations may help you in the future. If you’ve abused someone for falling short of your expectations, consider your expectations of them and whether or not these are realistic. If you’ve abused someone for not behaving in a way that you expect them to, do some research on what is actually realistic.^{[5]XTrustworthy SourceUniversity of Rochester Medical CenterLeading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and researchGo to source}
- It might be helpful to talk through your expectations with a therapist. They can help to ensure that you’re staying grounded in reality and applying fair, reasonable expectations to your loved ones.
Warning: Be aware that even if you lower your expectations and someone still falls short of them, this does not make it okay for you to abuse them.
2
Give yourself a time-out if you begin to get angry or frustrated. If you sometimes lose your temper and this causes you to lash out verbally or physically, start watching for signs that you’re getting upset and take a time out. Go into a different room and listen to music or read a book, walk around your neighborhood for a few minutes, or call up a friend or family member to come over and watch your kids for a little while. Do whatever it takes to get a break from the situation so that your emotions don’t get the better of you.^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceUniversity of Rochester Medical CenterLeading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and researchGo to source}
- Even excusing yourself to go to the bathroom for a few minutes may be enough to help you calm down and change perspective.
Take a deep breath before you say or do something out of anger. Verbal abuse can leave lasting scars, especially on children, so it’s important to think carefully before you say something you might regret. If you find yourself on the verge of lashing out verbally or physically, take a deep breath in through your nose to the count of 4 and hold it for 4 seconds. Then, slowly exhale through your mouth to the count of 4. Repeat this for as long as it takes for you to feel calm again.^{[7]XTrustworthy SourceUniversity of Rochester Medical CenterLeading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and researchGo to source}
4
Call an abuse prevention hotline if you think you might lash out. Talking through your emotions can be helpful for stopping you from doing or saying something you might regret. If you don’t feel comfortable talking with a friend or family member about how you’re feeling, call an abuse prevention hotline and tell them what’s going on. They will listen to you without judgment and help you find a healthier way to deal with your emotions.^{[8]XTrustworthy SourceUniversity of Rochester Medical CenterLeading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and researchGo to source}
- For example, you could call the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the US at 1−800−799−7233.^{[9]XTrustworthy SourceNational Domestic Violence HotlineOrganization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuseGo to source}
5
Make time for yourself if you’re a parent. Parenting can be stressful, especially if you’re the sole caretaker of your child or children and you don’t get a lot of free time to do things you enjoy. Arrange to have at least a few hours of time to yourself each week, such as by asking a friend or family member to watch your child or children for a few hours on 1 day each week.^{[10]XTrustworthy SourceUniversity of Rochester Medical CenterLeading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and researchGo to source}
- Make sure to do something that will help you relax in a healthy way, such as by engaging in a favorite hobby, exercising, or relaxing.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Getting Support

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1
Seek help for addiction or alcoholism if you’re struggling. Substance abuse often goes hand in hand with domestic abuse or child abuse. If you’re addicted to drugs or alcohol, get help for this first and foremost. Talk to your doctor, find a recovery program, or go to 12-step meetings.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Keep in mind that you’ll still have to work on managing your emotions even after you stop using drugs or alcohol. However, you might find it easier to deal with everyday stressors if you aren’t also dealing with agitation or pain from hangovers and withdrawal.
2
Talk to a trustworthy family member or friend. As you work towards changing your behavior, find support from people who care about you. It can be difficult to admit that you’ve been abusing someone, but it’s important to do this if you really want to change. Tell someone you trust, such as a parent, sibling, or close friend, and ask them to support you.^{[12]XResearch source}
- Try saying something like, “I’ve done some things that I’m ashamed of, but I’m trying to change. I need help and support, and I’d appreciate it if you’d be there for me.”
- For example, you might ask them to check in with you once a week to see how you’re doing or ask them to remind you of your commitment if they notice you going back to your old ways.
- Be sure to tell your friend or family member about any other issues you’re facing, such as substance abuse, depression, or financial issues.
3
Find a therapist or other mental health professional to help you.^{[13]XExpert SourceJay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical CounselorExpert Interview. 7 August 2020.} Cognitive behavioral therapy can help you to develop tools for coping with your emotions and preventing abuse. Find a therapist or ask your doctor for a referral, and make sure that the person has experience counseling people who have struggled with anger management and abusive tendencies.^{[14]XResearch source}
- Set up an initial meeting with the therapist to see if you think they might be able help you.
Tip: You might also consider doing some counseling sessions with the person you’re abusing to work through any issues you’re having in a safe space.
4
Join a support group for parents if you’re struggling with parenting. Parenting is stressful, but you’re not alone! There are lots of people who are going through similar situations and meeting with them on a regular basis may help you to feel supported and develop better responses to frustrating situations. Look for a support group for parents in your area, or look into online support groups if there are none available or if you’d rather not meet in person.^{[15]XTrustworthy SourceUniversity of Rochester Medical CenterLeading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and researchGo to source}
- You might even be able to find a group specific to the age of your child or children, such as a group for parents of toddlers or teens.

Expert Q&A

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How can a narcissist stop being abusive to others?
Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Jay Reid is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in private practice in San Francisco, CA. He specializes in helping clients who have survived a narcissistic parent or partner. Treatment focuses upon helping clients identify and challenge self-diminishing beliefs as a result of narcissistic abuse. Jay holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania and an MS in Clinical Psychology from Penn State University.
Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Answer
Working with a therapist is really important. Usually with narcissism, there's a real core sense of worthlessness that can be triggered and cause the person to go off. Therapy could help the person manage those feelings in a healthier way so they don't lash out.
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Tips

It’s also possible that violent media may influence your behavior. Try making your home a violence-free zone regarding your media choices as well. Don’t allow violent movies, TV shows, or video games in your home.^{[16]XTrustworthy SourceUniversity of Rochester Medical CenterLeading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and researchGo to source}
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Abusing others can be a sign that you have deep emotional wounds and insecurities. A therapist can help you identify these wounds and be more mindful when you're interacting with others so you're less likely to lash out.^{[17]XExpert SourceJay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical CounselorExpert Interview. 7 August 2020.}
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Warnings

Be aware that withholding essential things from your child, such as food, water, sleep, or healthcare is a form of abuse called neglect. You must provide your child with food, water, adequate rest, and regular visits with a healthcare provider no matter what.^{[18]XTrustworthy SourceUniversity of Rochester Medical CenterLeading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and researchGo to source}
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