A Complete List of Dating Rules

Everything you need to know about modern dating etiquette

Are you wondering how to navigate the complicated world of dating? Look no further! We’ve interviewed professional dating coaches and relationship psychotherapists for the complete lowdown on dating. Whether you’re starting to date for the first time or getting back into dating after a long time, we’ve got all the info you need. Keep reading for a thorough list of dating rules and etiquette tips so that you can feel confident and ready to connect with that special someone!

1

Be honest about what you’re looking for.

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For example, if you’re looking for a serious relationship rather than something casual, don’t be afraid to mention this to your date. It might be nerve-wracking to be vulnerable in this way, but it’s definitely worth it in the end.

As relationship psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz, PsyD explains, “A lot of people are kind of shy about saying what they really want. They don’t want to scare somebody off, but the logic behind that is flawed. You want to scare somebody off who’s not on the same page as you and doesn’t want the same things as you, to clear space for the person who is on the same page and does want the same thing.”

2

Keep an open mind.

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They might prevent you from giving a chance to someone you're actually really compatible with.

Try to distinguish between dating “wants” and “needs." “Wants” would be things that are preferences, not hard rules. These could be more superficial things, like hair color or height. “Needs” would be non-negotiable things, like values, character, or life goals.^{[1]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}

When dating, try to keep an open mind about people who might be missing one or two of your “wants” but have all of your “needs.” You might be surprised by who you end up connecting with!

3

Plan a fun activity.

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Going out to dinner or grabbing a coffee together are totally fine options, but you could also get a bit more creative when planning your date.

Lisa Shield, a love and relationship expert and dating coach with 17 years of experience, recommends going to a museum. “Commenting and laughing at the artwork is always fun,” she says. “This is something that will actually start some natural conversation, rather than just being with someone at a dinner table.”

4

Be courteous.

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Things like showing up on time, complimenting them, and asking them about their day are great ways to show you care. Pay attention throughout the date to make sure they’re feeling comfortable and enjoying themselves.

Cher Gopman, NYC-based dating coach and owner of the company NYC Wingwoman, recommends “asking appropriate questions that you can tell they’re comfortable with, making sure to read their facial expressions, and always asking for consent to touch or kiss or anything like that.”

It's also a good idea to put your phone away and focus on being fully present.^{[2]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}For many people, picking up a smartphone and absentmindedly scrolling is second nature, but it’s best to give your date your undivided attention to show that you’re truly interested in getting to know them.

5

Be confident.

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According to Cher Gopman, “Showing that you’re confident in who you are is the most attractive thing that there is.”

Wear clothes that you feel comfortable and attractive in, and try to use confident body language. This includes standing up straight, making eye-contact, and smiling.^{[3]XResearch source}

If you’re feeling a bit nervous before your date, this is totally normal. Gopman recommends taking a pause and breathing deeply before walking in. “Always take a deep breath in,” she says. “That’s going to allow you to stand up nice and tall and come in pure and confident.”

6

Be yourself.

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It can be nerve-wracking to be vulnerable in this way, but it’s also necessary to make a meaningful connection. If your date is the right person for you, they’ll appreciate you for who you truly are.^{[4]XResearch source}If they don’t click with you, that’s completely okay too. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you deserve to be with someone who loves the real and authentic you!

7

Be curious.

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Ask them about their interests, hobbies, opinions, experiences, and feelings.^{[5]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source} This will show them that you’re genuinely interested in connecting.

To avoid making the conversation feel like an interview, dating coach Lisa Shield recommends not jumping from topic to topic too fast. When you ask your date a question, really listen to their answer and ask follow-ups to go deeper on that topic.

“Really great conversation happens when you take one topic, and then you go deeper with it,” Shield explains. “You might say, ‘Where did you grow up?’ And they may say, ‘I grew up in Detroit.’ And you might say, ‘Wow, tell me about Detroit. What was it like growing up there?’”

While your date is talking, practice active listening skills, like paraphrasing what they’ve said and repeating it back, and asking thoughtful follow-up questions.^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good in ActionAn initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful lifeGo to source}If you and your date are sitting at a bar, for example, dating coach Cher Gopman recommends angling your body so that you’re facing them, rather than just turning your head. “This shows you’re really giving your date your undivided attention,” she says.

8

Have a conversation about paying the bill.

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Try to have a straightforward, simple conversation about whether or not you want to split the bill. Clarifying this before the date can be helpful to avoid any awkward exchanges when the check arrives.^{[7]XResearch source}

Historically, “the man” has been expected to cover the bill, especially on a first date. However, this assumption is a bit outdated, and it doesn’t relate to same-sex couples.^{[8]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source} Ultimately, you and your date should do whatever you feel comfortable with, whether that means splitting the bill evenly, or one of you offering to pay for the other.

9

Avoid talking about exes.

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Although it's completely normal to discuss past experiences and exes once you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s best to avoid this topic when you’re first getting to know them.

If you’re talking about your ex too much, it may come across like you’re not over them, which can put a damper on a date.^{[9]XResearch source} Plus, the focus should be on the two of you getting to know each other, not on anyone else!

10

Follow up afterwards.

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According to Cher Gopman, “the flirting shouldn’t end as soon as the date ends.” If you don’t reach out afterwards, you run the risk of being “out of sight, out of mind.”

If you know that you’re interested in this person after your date, send a quick message letting them know how much you enjoyed yourself. Don’t be afraid to tell them that you’d like to get to know them better, and be proactive about getting another date on the books!

11

Don’t rush into a relationship.

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It’s totally normal to date a few people that you don’t fully connect with before finding “the one,” and it’s okay to date around and keep your options open.

Take all the time you need to figure out what you’re looking for in a partner, and don’t feel pressured to jump into a relationship right away.^{[10]XResearch source} Remember, there’s no rush!

12

Stay safe.

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Whenever you go on a date, take precautions to ensure your safety. This is important because you’re likely meeting up with someone you don’t know that well, especially if you found them on a dating app or online.

Always meet at a public place for your first date, and arrange your own transportation, rather than letting your date pick you up.^{[11]XResearch source}

As an extra precaution, let a trusted friend know about your plans, including where you're going, how long you’ll be there, and your date’s name.^{[12]XResearch source} You can even use your smartphone to share your location with this friend, just in case!