How to Know if Your Girlfriend Is Too Clingy

Being a little clingy isn't that unusual, especially when a relationship is new and you're still learning to trust and understand each other. If your girlfriend is acting so needy that you feel smothered, though, you may be wondering if this is normal. The truth is, everyone's emotional needs are different; what's normal for you may not be normal for her. The fact that you're uncomfortable is definitely a red flag, but don't write her off just yet! To help you get perspective, we'll start by covering clingy communication habits and how to handle them. Then, we'll touch on needy behaviors like jealousy and insecurity and give you some tips on how to respond.

This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach and matchmaker, Erika Kaplan. Check out the full interview here.

1

She blows up your phone nonstop.

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Texting each other often is fine as long as both of you are okay with it. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of texts she sends every day, that’s not a good sign. The content of her texts is also a factor: does she demand to know where you are or continually accuse you of things? Does she give you a chance to respond before sending another text? All of these behaviors are unhealthy.^{[1]XResearch source}
- To resolve this, gently speak to her about your boundaries. Tell her what you need and what your communication preferences are.^{[2]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- It’s a good idea to ask her what’s driving this behavior, as well. Did something happen to her in the past to cause her insecurity? Is it something you can work through together?^{[3]XExpert SourceErika Kaplan
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 1 October 2020.}

2

She expects an immediate response.

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Does she assume you’re up to something if there’s any delay? If your girlfriend starts worrying that you’re cheating on her or doing something else to sabotage the relationship when you don't respond right away, she's being irrational and unfair. It's understandable if you're frustrated about this but before you write her off, consider why she might be acting this way.^{[4]XResearch source}
- This behavior isn't that unusual if you've broken her trust or cheated on her before. Try to see things from her perspective and be patient with her.
- Use “I” statements when you bring it up with her so she doesn’t feel attacked. For example, “When you get angry with me for not texting back immediately, I feel really stressed out.”^{[5]XResearch source}
- Reader Poll: We asked 260 How.com.vn readers to tell us how they felt about checking their partner’s phone, and only 5% felt they didn’t need to check their phone since they trust them. [Take Poll] So, while that may not be a great strategy according to our readers, try to have a conversation about your concerns instead.

3

She monitors your social media.

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Does she stalk your profiles and question you about online friends? If so, she’s being excessively needy and it’s not healthy for either of you. The next time you’re alone, ask her where these insecurities are coming from. Hopefully, once you understand her motivation, you’ll be able to resolve the issue together.^{[6]XResearch source} Here are a few red flags to watch out for:
- She uses your posts/stories to figure out where you are/who you’re with.
- She demands your passwords or asks to read your DMs.
- She frequently posts on your wall in a way that feels possessive.
- She goes overboard professing her love for you in posts and comments.
- She goes back and “likes” all of your old photos.^{[7]XResearch source}

4

She keeps you from seeing your friends.

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Is she monopolizing all of your free time? It’s normal to want to hang out with your partner a lot but if she’s the only person you ever see, that’s not healthy. If you feel pressured to spend all of your time with her and you’re neglecting your friends, you need to have a heart-to-heart with your GF. It’s important that both of you have friendships outside of your relationship.^{[8]XResearch source}
- If you still see your friends but she’s stopped hanging out with hers, gently ask her what's going on. Encourage her to hang out with them and have fun.
- If your GF tries to make you feel guilty for spending time with other people or won’t accept your boundaries, you may want to rethink this relationship.^{[9]XExpert SourceErika Kaplan
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 1 October 2020.}

Quiz

How.com.vn Quiz: Am I Codependent?

Do you often have anxiety about your relationships or struggle with setting boundaries/establishing acceptable behaviors because you are afraid to lose your partner? You’re not alone. Codependency is a type of dysfunctional relationship in which the codependent person feels like they need their partner to function, often accompanied by feelings of low self-esteem and guilt. We've created this quiz to help you identify and work through possible codependent patterns.

1 of 12

Do you feel it’s your job alone to keep a relationship on track?

No. My partner and I are equally responsible for our relationship.

Occasionally, but I can usually talk it through with my partner.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one trying to maintain the relationship.

Yes. I worry about this all the time and feel like I mess up often.

5

She gets upset if you go anywhere without her.

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Does she overreact, pick a fight, or act like you’re abandoning her? It’s normal for couples to spend a lot of time together, but it’s healthy to spend time apart and maintain separate interests, too. If she gets upset when you go anywhere or do anything that doesn’t involve her, that’s definitely a red flag.^{[10]XTrustworthy SourceCleveland ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source}
- She may even start a fight just to delay or prevent you from doing what you planned to do, which is unfair and manipulative. To work through this issue, you need to talk to her and set some boundaries.^{[11]XResearch source}

6

She needs constant reassurance.

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Is she unconvinced no matter how much you reassure her? There’s nothing wrong with asking for a little reassurance every now and then, but if your girlfriend repeatedly asks you if you’re still into her, she’s being clingy. This is especially true if you haven’t done anything to make her question the relationship and your reassurances never seem to soothe her.^{[12]XResearch source}
- It can help to ask her why she needs so much reassurance. Did her last partner cheat on her, or is there something else from her past that’s haunting her? It’s not unusual for victims of abuse and infidelity to feel insecure.^{[13]XExpert SourceErika Kaplan
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 1 October 2020.}
- Try to be patient if she’s dealing with a past trauma, especially if you’re truly in love with her. If nothing improves, you may want to consider moving on.
- You don’t have to stick around just because she’s been mistreated in the past; that’s not your fault. Don't feel guilty if you want to move on.^{[14]XResearch source}

7

She’s irrationally jealous.

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Does she perceive everyone as a threat? Occasional jealousy is something that most people deal with. However, if she tends to get angry, upset, or suspicious just because you mention another person, that’s definitely not normal. For example, if you talk about a new coworker, does she automatically assume you have feelings for them? Does she lash out and accuse you of things that don't make a lot of sense?^{[15]XResearch source}
- Start by asking some frank questions: why does she feel this way? Is there anything you can do to help? Will things change if you work on it together?^{[16]XExpert SourceErika Kaplan
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 1 October 2020.}
- Having a conversation isn’t guaranteed to fix her jealousy, but it’s a good place to start.^{[17]XResearch source}

8

She’s rushing the relationship.

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Do you feel uncomfortable with the current pace? Healthy relationships progress in stages and both of you should be comfortable. If she’s pressuring you to take big steps that you aren't ready for, she might be trying to “lock down” your relationship out of insecurity. If you’re interested in a future with her, express your feelings and set boundaries. There’s nothing wrong with slowing down the relationship if you’re uncomfortable.^{[18]XExpert SourceErika Kaplan
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 1 October 2020.} Some red flags to watch for:
- Does she say “I love you” even though you haven’t been together long? Does she expect you to say it back and get upset if you don’t?
- Does she want you to meet her parents too soon?
- Is she talking about living together, getting married, and having kids?
- Does she want to spend every single day together? Does she find subtle ways to manipulate you into hanging out with her?
- Is she there every time you turn around (even when you didn’t invite her)?

9

She goes overboard with PDA.

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Does she want everyone to see that you’re “hers”? Excessive public affection can be pretty uncomfortable. It’s possible that she’s simply more affectionate than you are, but if her actions seem really over the top (especially around other females), she’s probably being insecure and possessive. And if she’s truly making you uncomfortable with this behavior, she’s crossing a line.
- The best way forward is to clarify your boundaries and comfort level when it comes to PDA. Be specific and clear so there’s no ambiguity.^{[19]XExpert SourceErika Kaplan
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 1 October 2020.}
  - For example: “I’m okay with holding hands and hugging in public, but kissing makes me uncomfortable. Can we agree to do that behind closed doors?”

10

She sees your exes as personal enemies.

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Is she obsessed with your past relationships? Clingy people tend to be very possessive. If she brings up your ex from 5 years ago just to badmouth her, asks you weird or aggressive questions about your past, or stalks your exes online, you need to talk to her and set some boundaries ASAP.
- Keep in mind that she may be acting this way because of something traumatizing from her past. That isn’t your fault, but try looking at it from her perspective.^{[20]XResearch source}
- Take some time to think about how you want to explain your feelings. Using “I” statements and a gentle tone can help a lot.^{[21]XExpert SourceErika Kaplan
  Dating CoachExpert Interview. 1 October 2020.}

11

She never voices her opinion.

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Does she always seem to agree with you no matter what? If she defers to you on all things, big and small, that’s not a good sign. People usually act this way because they’re afraid they’ll be abandoned if they disagree or create any kind of conflict with their partner. Unfortunately, something in your girlfriend's childhood or past is probably to blame.^{[22]XResearch source} A few things to consider:
- Does she agree with all of your views and opinions?
- Do you pick every date activity because she’s afraid you won't like her choices?
- Does she agree to do things that you’re pretty sure she doesn’t want to do?
- Has she abandoned her personal style because she wants to dress in a way that she thinks pleases you?