How to Identify Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse happens to many people all over the world. Emotional abuse, in general, is a pattern of harmful interactions that do not involve physical altercation, but cause harm to the person’s emotional health.^{[1]XResearch source} Emotional child abuse can occur when children are not appropriately cared for or are treated in a way that makes them believe they are worthless or unwanted. Emotional abuse can result in psychopathology, sexual difficulties, decreased self-esteem, substance abuse, delinquency, and interpersonal problems.^{[2]XResearch source}^{[3]XResearch source} Emotional abuse can come in different forms, such as: child emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and controlling behaviors.^{[4]XResearch source}

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Analyzing Emotional Child Abuse

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1
Notice emotional unavailability. This can include unresponsiveness, parental insensitivity, and emotional neglect.^{[5]XResearch source} Analyze the way the caregiver reacts to feelings and needs of the child. Some warning signs are if the caregiver or parent is:^{[6]XResearch source}
- Unable or unavailable to respond to the child’s emotional needs.
- Ignoring the child’s needs to interact.
- Failing to express positive emotions to the child (smiling, laughing).
- Showing no emotion in interactions with the child.
- Rejection or hostility towards the child.
- Too focused on their own issues such as mental illness, substance abuse, or work responsibilities.
2
Search for developmentally inappropriate interactions. This occurs when the caregiver does not have adequate understanding of age-appropriate interactions and discipline. This may mean the parent treats the child as though they have the developmental capabilities of an older child or an adult. The parent may not intend to cause harm but can unknowingly engage in inappropriate interactions with the child.^{[7]XResearch source} Look for:^{[8]XResearch source}
- Exposure to confusing or traumatic events that the child cannot process or understand. This may include exposure to domestic violence or suicidal behavior, such as self-harm or suicide attempts.
- Unreasonable chore expectations (such as making a 4-year-old do laundry for the family).
- Expecting a disabled child to do things that are unreasonable given their disability.
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3
Understand failures to recognize individuality. This is the inability by the parent to fully understand that the child is a separate and individual person.^{[9]XResearch source} This type of abuse is common in divorces proceedings and custody disputes, and may appear as^{[10]XResearch source}:
- Using the child for the fulfillment of the parent’s psychological needs.
- Inability to distinguish between the child’s reality and the adult’s beliefs and wishes.
- Lack of psychological boundaries (e.g. a father complaining to a child about the mother's behavior).
4
Notice failures to promote social skills. This means the parents or caregivers do not help the child develop social skills.^{[11]XResearch source} This may include:^{[12]XResearch source}^{[13]XTrustworthy SourcePubMed CentralJournal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of HealthGo to source}^{[14]XResearch source}
- Corrupting the child by giving them alcohol or drugs, exposing them to pornography or cruelty to humans or animals. Corrupting or not socializing also includes teaching the child self-destructive or antisocial behaviors, like bullying.
- Psychological neglect (failure to provide adequate opportunities for brain development and learning).
- Isolating the child.
- Involving them in criminal activities.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Identifying Verbal Abuse

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1
Look for yelling. Getting angry on occasion or so is normal, but screaming on a regular basis is not.^{[15]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- The abuser may become hostile and aggressive.
- They may scream and swear.
- They don't apologize, and they don't work on trying to control their temper.
- They refuse to take responsibility for their behavior if someone tries to address it.
2
Catch name-calling. Name-calling is the act of using offensive names to insult someone. Name-calling can be a form of emotional abuse if it is very negative and repeated often. Unlike friendly teasing, an abusive person will not stop name-calling if the victim shows or says that they are upset by it. Some examples of name-calling are:
- “Hey, stupid. You idiot. You are a dummy.”
- “You wimp.”
- “Why are you such a freak? I swear you're psycho. Are you going to snap and shoot up a school?”
- "Are you going to help me do this, or are you chicken?"
3
Identify blaming and shaming. Sometimes people who are abusive excuse or justify their behaviors by blaming the victim.^{[16]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source} The individual may begin to believe that they is deserving of the abuse or it is somehow their fault.
- Blaming might look like, “This is all your fault. Admit it. I had no part in this. Apologize.” It can also be more subtle such as, “I wouldn’t mistreat you if you didn’t act so badly.”
- Shaming can be things like, “Look at what you did. You are a bad person. You should be disgusted with yourself. I am so ashamed of you.”
4
Look for inappropriate humor.^{[17]XResearch source} Joking around may seem light-hearted, but it can be harmful especially if the individual does have a particular sensitivity or disability.
- This can involve inappropriately teasing or taunting someone. For example, teasing someone about their weight or appearance can be emotionally abusive.
- A well-meaning person will stop teasing someone about a particular thing if they are asked to stop or told that it's hurtful. An abusive person will not stop, because hurting others is the goal.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Looking for Controlling Behaviors

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If the person is telling you what to wear, what to eat, where you can go, and who you can see, this is a controlling behavior and a sign of emotional abuse.^{[18]XTrustworthy SourceUS Office on Women's HealthU.S. government agency providing resources for women's healthGo to source} The abuser makes you feel dependent on him and that you are unable to make your own decisions.
2
Recognize intimidation. Abusive individuals can be controlling and overbearing. This can manifest as a need to make decisions for others and tell others what to do. The person who is abusing others may expect people to follow his orders without questioning him.^{[19]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source} Intimidation tactics may include:^{[20]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Making threatening looks or gestures.
- Smashing things in front of the person.
- Destroying property, harming pets, or putting weapons on display.
3
Listen for threats. Threatening is when the abuser tries to scare the other person into staying with them or possibly drop charges against them. An abuser may threaten the other person, the other person's loved ones, or even to harm himself.^{[21]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Threats can be vague such as, “If I can't have you, no one can,” or, “You’re going to get it. You’ll be sorry.”
- The abuser may threaten to withhold food or other care the person needs.
- Know that criminal threats are crimes. Report the person to the police if you feel you or someone you know is in danger. You can also ask for a restraining order.
4
Notice social isolation. Social isolation can be a form of control. The abusive person wants the victim to not have close friendships or relationships because this can limit the abuser's control. The abusive person knows that the individual may seek help from social supports, and he may want to limit these supports.^{[22]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- This may show up as isolating the individual or not allowing the person to be in social situations (such as go out with friends).^{[23]XResearch source} They may also set so many "rules" for the victim that it is too much work for the victim to socialize while obeying the abuser's rules.
- The abuser may also try to prevent the person from attending school or work.^{[24]XResearch source}
5
Recognize financial abuse. Financial abuse can occur in intimate relationships, as well as against the elderly (called elder abuse) and disabled people. Economic abuse include any of the following:^{[25]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
- Rigidly controlling finances.
- Withholding money or credit cards.
- Forcing the person to account for every penny spent.
- Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
- Restricting the person to an allowance.
- Preventing them from working or choosing a career.
- Sabotaging someone’s job (making one miss work, calling constantly).
- Stealing from the person or taking money.

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Tips

If you can't figure out whether someone is being abusive or unintentionally hurtful, try telling them "It hurts my feelings when you do ______." A well-meaning person will take you seriously, and they'll adjust their behavior once they realize it's harming the relationship. An abuser may lie, make excuses, pretend to have a breakdown so that you will comfort them and drop the subject, or use any other tactic to avoid changing their bad behavior.
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