Reasons You May Hate Your Family & How to Deal With Them

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Cope with family hatred with our complete psychology-backed guide

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• Why do I hate my family?
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• Coping with Hating Your Family
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• Maintaining a Relationship with Your Family
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• Cutting Ties with Your Family
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• Expert Interview
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• Expert Q&A
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• Tips
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• Warnings

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While it’s normal to dislike your family from time to time, saying you hate them is a stronger feeling with a deeper reason. How you were raised and differences in your views are the main causes of these feelings, and how you work through the issue depends on what you want out of your family relationships. Whether you want to maintain the relationship or cut ties with your family, keep reading to learn why you may hate your family and what choice you should make to reconcile with your feelings.

Things You Should Know

• People may hate their family members if they act emotionally abusive or neglectful, have different values and perspectives, or exhibit toxic behaviors.
• Stay connected with friends and people who support you if you have a difficult family relationship. Stay busy with activities you enjoy to process your feelings.
• Set firm boundaries with your family and limit conversation topics to maintain the relationship. Slowly reduce contact with family members you want to cut ties with.

Steps

Section 1 of 4:

Why do I hate my family?

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   Differing values or perspectives When you have different views on things like politics, family roles, or parenting techniques, it may feel like you’re separate from your family. If your family members don’t accept your perspective or respect your personal choices, it can put a lot of pressure on the relationship and lead to resentment or estrangement.

   • In some studies, around 50% of people say they feel distant from their family members when they have clashing views.
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   Emotional abuse Emotional abuse is a pattern of behaviors a family member may use to manipulate or control you. If you had family members who were abusive toward you or let emotional abuse happen, then it could make you really angry and lead to you strongly disliking the people involved. Common signs of emotional abuse to look out for include:

   • Monitoring or controlling your behavior
   • Shaming or humiliating you
   • Giving constant criticisms
   • Gaslighting
   • Isolating you from friends and acquaintances
   • Threatening your safety
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   Neglect When you’re neglected as a child, you may feel more isolated and excluded from your parents as you get older. If a parent or older family member neglects your emotional or physical needs, it can cause a lot of fear and distrust that you hold onto as you grow up. Neglect also can lead to a stronger feeling of dislike or hate toward the family members that mistreated you.

   • Signs of neglect are lack of adequate food, clothing, shelter, affection, supervision, education, or medical care.
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   Insecure attachment styles If your parents were inexperienced or you had inconsistent caregivers while you were growing up, then you may form an insecure attachment style that makes it hard to form a strong, emotional relationship with your family members. Because you didn’t have a secure relationship or attachment with family growing up, you may swing between moods of love and hate in your close relationships.

   • Ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied attachment styles make you feel anxious about whether a person cares about you, and it’s caused by inconsistent parenting.
   • An avoidant-dismissive attachment style makes you feel wary about making emotional connections, and it may be caused by parents or caregivers who were unavailable or distant.
   • Disorganized or disoriented attachment styles can make relationships and the world around you feel unsafe, and it’s usually caused by traumatic family experiences growing up.
   • Try our Attachment Style quiz to see if you have an insecure or secure attachment style.
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   Traumatic family events in your past If there’s been a traumatic event in your life, like a divorce, unsafe environment, or serious illness, the trauma may make you feel unsafe around your family members. The fear or pain from those moments can stick with you as you grow up, so you may dislike your family for putting you through those situations in the first place.
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   Lack of boundaries Boundaries are important for a family to respect each other’s emotional needs and feelings. As you’re growing up, boundaries around your privacy and autonomy are really important to becoming who you are. If you have family members who break your boundaries continually, then it can make you resent them because you feel like your needs are not being respected.
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   Toxic behavior Toxic family members will put their own needs before your own, which can make you feel really uneasy and uncomfortable. You may feel trapped with your family and grow to dislike them for only caring about themselves. Signs of a toxic family member include:

   • Gossiping about you
   • Criticizing you on your weaknesses
   • Acting self-centered
   • Making you feel guilty
   • Blaming you when something goes wrong
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Section 2 of 4:

Coping with Hating Your Family

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   Acknowledge and accept how you’re feeling. When you’re feeling upset or have a strong dislike for your family, name the emotion and take notice of what you’re doing at the time. Negative emotions are completely normal to have, and accepting that you’re feeling them can help you gain more control over them. With a good understanding of what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way, it’s a lot easier to determine what next steps are best for you.

   • For example, if you're frustrated with a family member for ignoring you, say to yourself (out loud or silently) "I'm frustrated" and notice the circumstances that led to this feeling.
   • Trying to avoid your emotions may make you feel more anxious and resentful, so it’s better to address how you’re feeling so you know how to move on from them.
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   Reach out to friends for support. Create a social circle of friends and other relatives who know you well and are really supportive. When your family does something that upsets you, let your friends know how you’re feeling and open up to them about what’s going on. It will feel good and help you recognize your feelings when you have them there to listen to you vent out your frustrations.

   • Be sure you let your support system know how they can help you the best. Speak up about your needs, whether that’s a shoulder to cry on or just someone to listen.
   • Check with local community centers or mental health clinics to see if there are any support groups for people estranged or distant from their families. It may help to hear from other people who have similar emotions to you.
   • If you’re living with family members that you dislike and are making you feel distressed, ask a friend or a relative you’re really close with if you could stay with them for a little while.
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   Do something every day that uplifts your emotions. Rather than focusing on family members that bring you down, try to find an activity that you can look forward to every day. You might try listening to your favorite music, reading a book, going out for a job, making art, or anything else that brings a smile to your face. Even if you can only squeeze a few minutes in each day, it can help lighten your mood and make you feel less stressed out.

   • Try practicing some mindfulness activities like journaling or meditating to help relax your mind and make you feel calm.
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   Talk to a therapist or counselor if you’re struggling. If you’re having trouble staying positive or have really strained relationships with your family members, reach out to a therapist or counselor. Let them know how you feel about your family and what behaviors are making you feel that way. They’ll be able to talk through your emotions so they’re easier to name and help you determine what to do next for the relationship.

   • If you’re in immediate danger, call or text 988 to reach the SAMHSA hotline.
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Section 3 of 4:

Maintaining a Relationship with Your Family

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   Take accountability for any ways you may have added to the issue. Reflect on what issues you have with your family members and if there’s anything you could have done differently. It may be something like ignoring a family member’s bad behavior or not speaking up if you disagree with a decision. Once you recognize areas where you could improve, it’ll be easier for your family members to work on the relationship as well.

   • If a family member has emotionally abused you, it’s not your fault and you don’t need to take accountability for any actions. Abuse is never okay no matter who does it or when it happens.
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   Set and enforce boundaries with your family members. When you first set a boundary, decide what you want or need from the relationship with your family member. As you’re talking to your family member, explain your feelings and why you want to set the boundary using “I” statements. Tell your family member what the consequence is for crossing the boundary, and be sure to follow through whenever it’s broken.

   • Example: “I feel really upset and overwhelmed when you raise your voice. Please use a calm and collected tone with me. If it happens again, I’ll have to end the conversation and move on.
   • Example: “I feel like my privacy is disrespected when you come into my room unannounced. I’d appreciate it if you knocked and waited for an answer before coming in. If you do it again, I will start locking my door.”
   • Reader Poll: We asked 389 How.com.vn readers, and 53% of them agreed that the best way to cope with feeling upset or irritated around your family is to take breaks from spending time with them. [Take Poll]
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   Limit what information you share with them. If your family members are critical about certain aspects of your life or if you know a topic will trigger a strong emotional response, then just avoid bringing it up in front of them. Only share personal information with people that are trustworthy and won’t criticize you for it.

   • Remember that you’re not obligated to share all of your life details with your family members. You only have to say as much as you want to feel safe and comfortable.
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   Focus on your own actions instead of trying to change their behaviors. Rather than trying to make your family members do what you want, let them behave how they’re going to. Trying to change them when they’re resistant will only make you feel more frustrated or overwhelmed, so it’s best to just focus on what you’re able to control in your own life.

   • Example: Rather than trying to make a parent give you a compliment, you may instead focus on looking for validation from a friend or colleague.
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   Go to family counseling to work through issues. If you want to develop healthy communication habits and strengthen the relationship you have with your family, ask if they’d be open to seeing a family counselor. If they’re willing to work with someone, look for family counseling services in your area. The counselor will give you and your family members all time to explain how you’re feeling and help you work together to find ways to improve your bond with each other.

   • Family counseling works best if every member opens up about their feelings. If you have a family member who’s resistant, then they may not get the most out of the sessions.
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Section 4 of 4:

Cutting Ties with Your Family

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   Cut ties if you had a severe conflict or if your relative refuses to change. If family members don’t acknowledge the problem and don’t feel like they need to change, then it might not be worth trying to save the relationship. If there were severe issues, like abuse or neglect, then it may be healthier for you mentally to cut ties so you aren’t hurt again.

   • Ending a family relationship is a big choice, and it can be hard to reconcile after cutting them off. Take a minute to list out the reasons why you want to cut ties with your family to help you work through any doubts you have.
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   Reduce contact with your family members slowly. Rather than cutting family members off completely right away, start by using the Grey Rock Method. Try to be emotionless and only answer essential questions from them. As you respond less and less, just slowly stop reaching out or communicating with them.

   • If your family member tries contacting you, you may enforce a boundary and say that you’re not interested in speaking to them based on your past interactions.
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   Allow yourself time to grieve. It’s normal to feel grief or be upset when you cut off a family member because you’re losing a close relationship. Even if the relationship was harmful, it can still make you feel like sad or guilty for ending it. Let yourself cry or be upset with losing a close connection as long as you need to.

   • Try to balance out the negative feelings you have with the new positives of cutting out a family member. You may have more freedom to do the things you want or feel relief from the pressure your family members caused you.
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   Get support from friends or a professional therapist. Reach out to your group of close friends to let them know what’s happening and how they can best support you. Try to find friends who have gone through similar family issues so they understand your perspective a little bit better. Alternatively, schedule appointments with a therapist or counselor to help you reconcile with cutting ties and help you manage your emotions.

   • If friends haven’t gone through similar family issues, they may not understand the full extent of how you’re feeling and accidentally make judgmental comments.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  What advice do you have for establishing healthy boundaries with your family?

  

  Amber Rosenberg, PCC
  Life Coach

  Amber Rosenberg is a Professional Life Coach, Career Coach, and Executive Coach based in the San Francisco Bay Area. As the owner of Pacific Life Coach, she has 20+ years of coaching experience and a background in corporations, tech companies, and nonprofits. Amber trained with the Coaches Training Institute and is a member of the International Coaching Federation (ICF).

  

  Amber Rosenberg, PCC

  Life Coach

  Expert Answer

  Setting boundaries is best done with a graceful or neutral tone. This will feel uncomfortable at first, but as you take care of yourself, the personal power you gain will make it easier. When setting boundaries, there is no need to justify, give excuses, or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, gracious, and direct. When faced with resistance, repeat your statement or request.

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Tips

• For more information about family relationships and mental health support, check resources like HelpGuide and SAMHSA.
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• If you or a family member is struggling with substance abuse or mental health issues, try contacting the SAMHSA hotline.
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Warnings

• If there’s a crisis or immediate emergency and you need help, don’t be afraid to contact emergency services right away.
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• If you’re in an abusive household and are in danger, contact 1-800-422-4453 to reach the National Child Abuse hotline and speak with a trained counselor.
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