How to Settle an Argument with Your Wife

Arguments are a normal but frustrating part of most marriages. If you end up in an argument with your wife, it's important to stay calm and resolve the issues at hand. During an argument, talk respectfully, learn about one another's values, and move forward after the fight.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Communicating Respectfully

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1
Stay in the present. Arguments are often the result of underlying tensions in a relationship. If you want to settle an argument effectively you must be willing to communicate with your wife. This means staying in the present moment and avoiding discussing past conflicts.
- In an argument, you might be tempted to bring something up from the past. You might be trying to prove a point or convey how a certain behavior is part of a pattern. This is bad form in an argument, however, as it distracts from the issue at hand and can make your wife feel attacked or judged.
- If you're inclined to bring up issues from the past, it might be because these issues were never resolved to begin with. Keep in mind that moving forward means addressing present issues and letting go of the past.
2
Make "I" statements. The way you phrase things during an argument matters. "I" statements focus on how you feel about a given subject. This keeps the frame of reference subjective and de-emphasizes blame.^{[1]XExpert SourceCollette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention SpecialistExpert Interview. 1 May 2020.}
- An "I" statement addresses how you feel when something happens. It does not focus on an objective judgment of the situation but rather a personal reaction.
- For example, instead of saying "It's very disrespectful when you make us late for family events" try saying something like "I feel disrespected when you're not ready for family events on time."
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3
Use respectful language. Language is important in an argument. Even if you're upset and frustrated, try to stay respectful. You cannot settle an argument if you're making someone feel disrespected.^{[2]XResearch source}
- No name calling. Calling your wife names or using profanity can sting. Even if you're extremely upset, refrain from name calling and cursing during an argument.
- Yelling is also a bad idea during an argument. Yelling can be subjective. You might not think you're not yelling or raising your voice but it could easily come off that way to your spouse. If your wife asks you to keep your voice down, take a deep breath and proceed calmly with the conversation.
4
Listen actively. Practicing active listening is vital to effective communication. When smoothing over an argument with your wife, make sure you pay attention to what she's saying and convey that you are listening.^{[3]XExpert SourceCollette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention SpecialistExpert Interview. 1 May 2020.}
- Use verbal and non-verbal cues to show you are listening. Nod, say things like "uh-huh" and "mmhmm." Try to understand more than you're trying to be understood. Ask for clarification after your wife finishes talking if you don't understand anything. Summarize what was said after she finishes speaking.^{[4]XTrustworthy SourceUS Department of StateOfficial website of the U.S. Department of StateGo to source}
- Be non-judgmental. Give your wife the space to feel what she's feeling, even if you disagree with the sentiment. Allow her to express her feelings without needing to justify them.^{[5]XTrustworthy SourceUS Department of StateOfficial website of the U.S. Department of StateGo to source}
5
Avoid passive aggressive statements. When frustrated, people often fall into passive aggressive behaviors. This is toxic to communication and will only make the argument worse. Speak openly and honestly but use respect.^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source}
- Passive aggressive behavior is often used as a way to avoid expressing anger. People think of anger as a negative and instead of directly saying, "I'm mad at you" or "You're upsetting me," they may lash out in silence, sarcasm, sulking, or gossiping.^{[7]XResearch source}
- There's a way to express anger in a healthy fashion. Explain that you are angry and why, using "I" statements to emphasize your feelings over objective facts. Yelling, cursing, or using derogatory language is not a healthy way to express anger. Try to stay calm while still explaining how you feel.^{[8]XResearch source}
If an argument is getting heated, you won't be able to settle it. If you find yourself struggling to keep composure, take a break. Walk away for a few minutes and take a few deep breaths. Make sure you explain to your wife that you need a minute to cool down. Then, return to the argument when you feel ready to talk effectively.^{[9]XExpert SourceCollette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention SpecialistExpert Interview. 1 May 2020.} While many people throw around the phrase, "Never go to bed angry," keep in mind it's okay to go to sleep and talk things over in the morning if you're both extremely tired.

Part 2

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Having Perspective

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Consider your wife's values. Oftentimes, arguments are about more than surface issues. Try to understand your wife's perspective during the fight by considering her values.
- While most successful couples share many core values, you'll inevitably clash in some areas. Arguments are sometimes necessary if they're in relation to certain differences in values. It's an opportunity for clarification and discussion. Try to think deeper during an argument. What are you really fighting about?
- For example, say your wife is slightly more religious than you is and is upset you want to take a romantic vacation over Easter Weekend. It might not really be about the vacation itself but your differing religious beliefs. Your wife might be the type of person who cringes at the idea of missing a service, especially on a major holiday. She might feel you're being disrespectful of her wants and needs regarding her faith.
2
Reconsider your expectations. An argument can be an opportunity to regroup and refocus. If there are certain values you're never going to share, what can you do about these values? How can you move forward as a couple?^{[10]XResearch source}
- Try to see an argument as a chance for growth. If there's an underlying issue at play, try to focus on smoothing over that issue. You might have to adjust your expectations of your wife and your marriage.
- Return to the above example for a moment. Maybe your wife does not feel her religion is enough of a priority. You might have to accept your wife will never want to take a vacation during a religious holiday or sleep in on a Sunday. Even if this frustrates you, you might have to reconsider what you expect and accept your wife for who she is.
Oftentimes, laughter can help in a heated situation. Couples tend to bond over shared humorous moments. Humor can help remind you both of your shared passion and love. When the argument begins settling down, try making a joke or bringing up a funny memory. This can help return a sense of normalcy to the situation.^{[11]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving Forward

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Learn what you both want. An important aspect of a marriage is understanding one another's wants.^{[12]XTrustworthy SourceUniversity of Rochester Medical CenterLeading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and researchGo to source} After an argument, work on learning about these wants. This can help prevent arguments in the future.
- Talk about your personal and professional goals. What does your wife want career wise? Family wise? What do you want? Why? Have these kinds of conversations on a fairly regular basis. Wants are dynamic and might change with time and circumstance. Stay up to date on how one another change.
- Understanding one another's wants can help in future arguments. You're more likely to understand each other, which can help you listen better, stay focused, and come to a mutually satisfying resolution.
Support is important in a relationship. In a healthy marriage, you will want what's best for your wife. Try to positive and encouraging of one another's pursuits. This can prevent argument in the future.^{[13]XResearch source}
3
Be clear about what you want. Arguments often recur because people operate under different assumptions and standards. Being clear about what you mean and what you want can help prevent arguments from happening again.
- Let's return to the lateness example. Say in your wife's family the start time of an event is taken as a light suggestion. Showing up exactly on time may come off as showing up too early, before others have arrived. In your family, it might be considered extremely rude to be even 5 or 10 minutes late.
- To resolve this, say something like, "It makes me uncomfortable when we don't show up early or at the start time of an invitation. Can we make an effort to get to events a little earlier?" This way, you're emphasizing your feelings over an objective definition of lateness. This makes it clear to your wife what you mean by "on time."
If arguments are a frequent occurrence in your home, you might not be communicating effectively. Seeing a couple's therapist can help you smooth over issues and learn how to talk to each other respectfully and productively. You can find a couple's therapist by going through your insurance or asking for a referral of your family physician.^{[14]XResearch source}

How Do You Stop Arguing In a Relationship?

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How should I handle an argument if I'm still angry?
Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
Collette Gee is a Relationship Coach, Certified Violence Prevention Specialist, the Author of "Finding Happily… No Rules, No Frogs, No Pretending." Focusing on creating meaningful romantic relationships, Collette uses her experience having worked in the mental health industry as a psych nurse to conduct relationship coaching, online courses, and workshops to help women and men find lasting love. Prior to Collette's coaching business, she worked in the mental health field as a psych nurse which has helped inform her practice to create and sustain happy, healthy meaningful romantic relationships. Her work has been featured on TLC, London Live, the Huffington Post, and CNN.
Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
Expert Answer
Tell your wife that you need to take a break so you can have some time to think over the issue. Take a walk or step away for a little while so you can collect yourself.
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What should I say during an argument?
Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
Collette Gee is a Relationship Coach, Certified Violence Prevention Specialist, the Author of "Finding Happily… No Rules, No Frogs, No Pretending." Focusing on creating meaningful romantic relationships, Collette uses her experience having worked in the mental health industry as a psych nurse to conduct relationship coaching, online courses, and workshops to help women and men find lasting love. Prior to Collette's coaching business, she worked in the mental health field as a psych nurse which has helped inform her practice to create and sustain happy, healthy meaningful romantic relationships. Her work has been featured on TLC, London Live, the Huffington Post, and CNN.
Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
Expert Answer
Try to use "I" statements instead of shifting the blame on them with a "you" statement.
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What should I do after a fight with my husband as a good wife after many days of not talking to each other?
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Now that you both have cooled down from the argument, assuming it was not physical, let him know that you listened and heard his view point. State back what you understood from his point and how you will do your part to help the situation, but do not open the argument again. For example: "I can see how my spending an extra $50 on the grocery bill this week threw off the budget and I am sorry about that, from now on if the bill is going to be more than $20 more than we budgeted I will let you know so that we can better stay on track." Do something special as a couple. Pick out a movie you would both enjoy and cuddle together with popcorn and drinks and reconnect.
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If you need to calm down, do so. Engaging in meditation or deep breathing techniques can help keep you calm and resolve an argument effectively.
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