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What's My Attachment Style?

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What’s your approach to relationships? Are you comfortable with things like affection and vulnerability, or do they tend to scare you away? Your attachment style describes how you navigate relationships (both platonic and romantic) based on your early childhood experiences with your caregivers.

There are 4 main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful/avoidant. If you’re curious about which one best fits you, answer our questions, and we’ll give you some insight into your personal attachment style.

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Questions Overview

1. How would you describe your relationship with your caregiver(s) as a child?
  1. They always loved me unconditionally.
  2. They seemed to love me most when I was good or high-achieving.
  3. They were sometimes distant and unavailable to me.
  4. They didn’t have much of a relationship with me at all.
2. How did your caregiver(s) react when you got upset as a child?
  1. They were calm, patient, and sensitive to my feelings.
  2. They got anxious when they saw I was upset, which often made me feel worse.
  3. They weren’t interested in calming me down, so I learned to self-soothe.
  4. Their reaction to my discomfort scared me, so I hid my feelings from them.
3. How did you feel about making friends when you were a child?
  1. Loved it! It was always fun and easy to make a new friend.
  2. I wanted more friends than I had, but I was scared they wouldn’t like me.
  3. I didn’t really want new friends or feel the need to make any.
  4. I liked making friends but sometimes ended up clashing with them.
4. How did you behave in school as a child?
  1. I was confident and had no problem speaking up.
  2. I wanted to speak up but was always afraid I’d say the wrong thing.
  3. I didn’t feel like engaging with my teachers or the other kids.
  4. I participated in class discussions sometimes, but other times I acted out.
5. How confident do you feel in relationships (either friendships or romances)?
  1. I feel very confident! I believe that I’m valued and loved.
  2. I rarely feel confident. Sometimes I wonder if I’m unworthy of love.
  3. I feel more uncomfortable than confident. I worry about protecting my independence.
  4. I don’t feel confident. I feel like I can’t trust people to love me, so I try not to rely on them.
6. How often were you afraid of being abandoned or rejected as a child?
  1. Never! I knew my caregivers would always be there for me.
  2. Sometimes. They could be very loving but also seemed withdrawn at times.
  3. Rarely. I was often rejected as a child, so I got used to it and it didn't scare me anymore.
  4. Always. My caregivers’ erratic behavior made me feel uncertain and helpless.
7. How do you handle disagreements in a relationship?
  1. I face them head-on because I know working through them is important.
  2. I’m desperate to make things right and can’t relax until I do.
  3. I disappear and spend time alone while I wait for things to cool down.
  4. I take it as a sign of rejection (even when it’s likely not).
8. How do you react when you make a new friend or enter a new relationship?
  1. I eagerly (and easily) get to know them.
  2. I focus on making them happy because that’s what makes me happy.
  3. I don’t usually feel comfortable opening up to them for a while.
  4. I want to be closer to them, but sometimes the relationship becomes volatile.
9. Would you consider yourself a people-pleaser?
  1. Not really. I care about other people’s needs, but I know mine are important too.
  2. Yes. I worry that I won’t be loved unless I put other people before myself.
  3. No. I try not to spend much time around people at all, actually.
  4. I can sometimes be a people-pleaser, but other times I’m more withdrawn.
10. How do you feel about intimacy in relationships?
  1. I’m very comfortable with it.
  2. I want it but need reassurance that my partner does too.
  3. I don’t like it. I have a lot of protective walls, and it’s hard to let them down.
  4. I want intimacy, but I tend to get clingy or angry easily, so it’s difficult to achieve.
11. Your partner asks you for a committed relationship. How do you feel about that?
  1. Happy. I agree with no reservations.
  2. I want the same thing, but I’m nervous. What if something goes wrong?
  3. I’m hesitant. I don’t really like the idea of getting very close to someone else.
  4. I’m conflicted. Sometimes I want that, but other times I want to be independent.
12. How often do you rely on a partner or friend for help?
  1. I have no problem asking for help.
  2. I’m a little uncomfortable asking for help; I don’t want to be a burden.
  3. I don’t often ask for help because I don’t like counting on others.
  4. I don’t ask for help because I don’t think there’s any point. Nobody will help me.

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More About Attachment Styles

What is an attachment style?The attachment style theory suggests that small children (particularly infants and toddlers) primarily want to stay close to their main caregivers, and the bond they share with their caregivers shapes their interactions later in life. Based on those early relationships with caregivers, children develop attachment styles, which essentially outline how they navigate relationships with other people—from friends to romantic partners.

What are the different attachment styles?There are 4 main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful/avoidant (also called “fearful”).

Secure attachment. While there are 3 different attachment styles classified as “insecure” attachments (anxious, avoidant, and fearful/avoidant), there’s only 1 kind of secure attachment style. Secure attachment is the ability to build (and maintain) healthy relationships in your life, and it tends to begin in early childhood with supportive and unconditionally loving caregivers.

In other words, if you have a secure attachment style, you likely also had caregivers who made you feel safe, secure, and valued as a child. Your caregivers were also likely emotionally available to you.

Other characteristics of a secure attachment style include:

  • Being able to regulate your emotions
  • Trusting other easily
  • Communicating clearly and effectively
  • Taking comfort in close relationships
  • Being able to ask for help easily
  • Being able to manage conflict
  • Emotional availability
  • High self-esteem


In relationships, people with a secure attachment style typically have no problem engaging with their partners. They’re trusting and loving and generally find it easy to commit to long-term relationships without worrying or feeling trapped. They know they’re worthy of love and don’t need someone else to reassure them about it!

Anxious attachment. Also called “preoccupied,” “anxious-ambivalent,” or “anxious-avoidant” attachment, anxious attachment is an insecure attachment style. It’s characterized by a fear of rejection and abandonment, codependent tendencies, and a habit of relying on partners or friends for emotional validation.

Anxious attachment typically develops when a child has inconsistent caregivers. For example, a parent who is sometimes very attentive and loving but sometimes distant or demanding may leave their child feeling confused, distressed, and unstable. That inconsistency can leave children feeling like they’re responsible for their caregivers’ feelings and happiness—which is what causes an anxious attachment style. Other signs of an anxious attachment style include:

  • Being “clingy” and overly attached to a partner
  • High sensitivity to criticism
  • Needing approval from other people
  • Jealousy
  • Low self-esteem
  • Feeling unworthy of love
  • Difficulty trusting others


In short, people with an anxious attachment style may find themselves needing constant reassurance from their partners because they feel jealous, unworthy of love, or simply need approval. They may have a deep fear of being alone or feeling rejected, which is often the root cause of their behavior.

Avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment is also called “dismissive,” “dismissive-avoidant, “anxious-avoidant,” or “insecure-avoidant.” People with this attachment style often have an inability to engage in physical or emotional intimacy and tend to avoid it instead.

This attachment style is thought to develop during childhood with strict, emotionally distant, or absent caregivers. For example, if your caregivers let you fend for yourself more often than not, expected you to be independent (and scolded you for relying on them), were slow to take care of your basic needs, or rejected you when you voiced those needs, those are all behaviors that may cause you to develop an avoidant attachment style.

When children grow up with distant or absent caregivers, they tend to develop a strong sense of independence—and prefer not to rely on anyone else as a result. Other signs of an avoidant attachment style include:

  • Avoiding emotional or physical intimacy
  • Feeling uncomfortable talking about emotions
  • Being dismissive of others
  • Feeling threatened when others try to get close
  • Spending more time alone than socializing in any way
  • Feeling reluctant to commit to relationships
  • Believing that you don’t need other people in your life


In relationships, people with an avoidant attachment style may keep their significant others at arm's length and remain distant for as long as possible. It’s often hard to get close to someone with an avoidant attachment style, as they tend to either shut down or walk away when a conversation gets too serious or emotional.

Fearful/avoidant attachment. Fearful/avoidant attachment is also known as “fearful” or “fearful-avoidant” attachment. A fearful/avoidant attachment style essentially means having inconsistent behavior in relationships—and a lot of difficulty trusting other people.

Childhood neglect, abuse, or fear of your caregivers is the most common cause of this attachment style. Key signs (or characteristics) of fearful/avoidant attachment include:

  • Being afraid of rejection
  • Being unable to regulate your emotions
  • Contradictory behavior
  • High levels of anxiety
  • Having qualities of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles


In relationships, people with a fearful/avoidant attachment style tend to be unpredictable, alternating between being “clingy” and distant toward their partner. In other words, they can sometimes be emotionally involved and very dependent on their partners, and at other times may seem totally withdrawn and independent. This is because they’re looking for love and validation but also fear them. They may also believe that their partners are unpredictable and thus behave unpredictably themselves.

Is it possible to change attachment styles? Anybody can change their attachment style over time and develop a more secure approach to their relationships. If you feel that you have an insecure attachment style and want to change that, therapy is likely your best tool for understanding and working through your emotions. A therapist can help you get to the root of the problem, sort through your childhood experiences (and how they shaped your future relationships), and develop a healthier mindset for yourself over time!

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