Download ArticleDownload ArticleThis article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
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You will inevitably hurt others on occasion, usually not intentionally. These transgressions can result in significant guilt and shame, especially when you've hurt people you care about, like your parents. Your guilt and shame and your parents' anger and disappointment can seriously strain your relationship. Helping your parents to forgive you will improve your relationship and reduce negative feelings experienced by you and your parents.[1]
Steps
Listen more than you talk. Your parents will be able to forgive you more easily if they feel heard and understood. Shutting up and listening can stop arguments and reduce emotional intensity.- Staring blankly at your parents as they speak will likely upset them. You should nod and display appropriate expressions, so they know you are listening, and not tuning them out.
- Ask questions to clarify and check your understanding. This will demonstrate that you are processing what they are telling you. For example, you could say something like, "I'm hearing you say that you're angry that I stayed out past curfew without clearing it with you. Is that right?"
Communicate whole messages. When it is time for you to talk, use the whole message formula to avoid misunderstandings. Start your statement with an observation of facts. This is usually a description of a behavior. Then explain what you interpret that behavior to mean and how that makes you feel. You should finish with what you would like to happen to focus the discussion on resolution.- For example, "I ditched school to hang out with friends. I knew it was wrong, but I thought it would make me seem cool. I was afraid I would be teased and embarrassed if I didn't go with everyone else. I would like some help coming up with good ways to resist peer pressure to better handle this kind of situation in the future."
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Be mindful of your tone. Your feelings about your parents or the situation may affect your communication. The same sentence said in different tones can mean wildly different things. Feelings of frustration may result in a sarcastic tone or shouting before you even realize it.[2] Try to remain objective and focus on communicating your message rather than your emotion.- If your parents do comment about your tone, apologize and explain you're experiencing frustration trying to communicate your message.
Admit your wrongdoing. You may not believe your behavior was completely in the wrong, so instead of looking at the situation as a whole, focus on specific aspects. You may not have done everything wrong, but it isn't likely you did everything right. Find areas of improvement and own them. Your parents will appreciate your ability to admit you were wrong as a sign of maturity. This will help them forgive you more quickly.- Do not argue fault or try to deny wrongdoing. Your parents may see this as immature and take even longer to forgive you.
Apologize to your parents and others you may have hurt. Showing remorse is important to help anyone forgive. When giving an apology, acknowledge the hurtful behavior, why it was wrong, and how it affected others. This will demonstrate you understand what you did wrong and validate your parents' feelings.- Try structuring the apology stating the effects of your behavior first. This will show others you are most remorseful about hurting them. For example, "I'm sorry worried and disappointed you by sneaking out. My behavior was irresponsible and inconsiderate; I assure you it won't happen again."
- Always be sincere when apologizing. Insincere apologies will probably be interpreted as sarcasm and make the situation worse.
- If you struggle with personal apologies, try writing them in a letter.
Make amends wherever possible. Make a genuine effort to compensate the offended parties. Depending on what happened, this may not be possible, but a good faith attempt is usually enough to buy considerable goodwill with parents.- You might consider working off debt or providing physical labor to help restore damaged property.
Identify ways to respond more appropriately in future situations. Parents may have a hard time forgiving because they are concerned you may make the same mistakes again. Demonstrating that you learned from your mistakes and developed ways of avoiding repeating them will help your parents to let go of the past.- If you are struggling to identify more appropriate responses, ask your parents to help you. They will appreciate that you are making the effort to improve, and it's another opportunity to make them feel heard.
Get involved in activities that are incompatible with the behavior your parents are upset about. Show them you are responsible by studying to earn good grades or getting a job. Remind them how great you are by taking on a leadership role at school or in the community. Involve yourself in activities they would be proud to tell others about and reduce their concern about how you're spending your time. Parents forgive more quickly when they can focus on your new achievements, rather than past failures.- Consider volunteering to serve others in your community to make them proud. You can find lots of volunteer opportunities online.[3]
Talk to your parents about your future goals. Help them forgive you by distracting them from your past behavior and focusing on future possibilities. Set goals for 6 months, 2 years, and 5 years from now, with action plans to achieve them.- Your 6-month goals should be reasonable. Set goals for improving grades, saving money, and/or improving your physical and mental health.
- Your 2 and 5-year goals should be complex but attainable, a good example might be to graduate college.
Expert Q&A
Tips
- Remember your parents love you and always will, but they also have emotions.Thanks
- Go beyond your parent's expectations of you and make them feel as though you are taking action to make things right.Thanks
Tips from our Readers 
- At the end of the day, your parents love you and will probably forgive you anyways, but it might be hard for them to trust you. You will need to be mindful and respectful to them. Show them that you are truly sorry and that it won't happen again, and then show them that you have learned your lesson.
- If they still don't say "I forgive you" even after you apologize, don't get mad and start yelling. All you can do is tell them what you did wrong and say that you won't do it again. If they still don't forgive you, just do your best to earn back their trust.
- You probably don't want to say sorry, but sometimes you might have to force yourself into it. You'll probably make your parent and yourself feel better by just apologizing sincerely.
- If they're really mad, give them time to cool down before you talk to them.
Warnings
- Avoid arguing about fault, as it may make apologies and plans for change seem insincere.Thanks
- Aggression and violence are not acceptable, no matter how angry you may be.Thanks
References
About This Article
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, but if you show remorse and try to make it better, your parents should be more inclined to forgive you. Apologize and explain why you did it so your parents understand your perspective. For example, say something like, “I’m sorry for stealing money. I know it doesn’t justify it, but I just wanted it to go to the movies with my friends so I wouldn’t be left out.” Use a calm tone of voice, even if your parents get mad at you, so they don’t think you’re trying to argue. Let them say what they’ve got to say without interrupting so they can get it off their chest. Then, ask if you can do some extra chores or something to make it up to them. Your parents might be annoyed now, but if they love you, they’ll forgive you at some point. For more advice from our co-author, including how to learn from your mistakes, read on.
Reader Success Stories
"My mom and dad would always blame things on me that I had no idea why I was getting in trouble for. We started losing trust, so I decided to follow this article to see if this really does help. Trust me, it does! We regained our trust and we seem a lot happier. Now my parents are being more conscious (even though sometimes they forget). "..." more
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