Download ArticleDownload ArticleThis article was co-authored by Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.
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Many parents shout at their children at some point in their life. When this happens to you, remember to remain calm. Most parents lose their cool from time to time. However, sometimes this crosses the line into verbal abuse, which includes excessive scolding, swearing, yelling, blaming, insulting, threatening, ridiculing, demeaning, and criticizing.[1] This article will offer some coping mechanisms to deal with your parents shouting at you, and it will also help you identify and report verbal abuse.
Steps
Understand what verbal abuse is. Verbal abuse is difficult to identify. This type of abuse can happen in all types of families, whether you are rich or poor and regardless of race or location. Below are some common signs of verbal abuse; if you can answer yes to any of these, you may need to contact professionals for help:- Do your parents use threats to make you do something or to keep you from doing something?
- Do your parents curse at you, call you names, humiliate you in public, or degrade you?
- When you share your thoughts and feelings about something important with your parents, do your parents ignore you or make fun of you?
- Are you afraid of your parents?
Know the effects verbal abuse can have. If your parent or parents are verbally abusing, it is likely to have negative consequences in your life. Severe verbal abuse can even lead to the same kind of post-traumatic stress disorder experienced by combat troops.[2] If you exhibit any negative consequences of verbal abuse, you may need to contact professionals for help. Some of the most common consequences of verbal abuse are:- Issues with being insecure and poor self esteem
- Withdrawing socially
- Being overly demanding or overly compliant with others
- Depression
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Decide if it's verbal abuse or normal behavior. Conflict is a normal part of any relationship, but verbal abuse is not. If an argument always feels one-sided, if there are threats involved, and if your parents humiliate or demean you, a fight qualifies as verbal abuse. Some examples of verbally abusive statements are:- “Hey, fatso, come over here!” This counts as humiliation.
- “If you didn't make me mad, I wouldn't have to treat you like this.”
- “Don't you dare do that or I'll punch you!” Threats are always abuse.
Report any verbal abuse to the proper authorities. Because verbal abuse often escalates into physical attacks and can have severe consequences, it is necessary to report any verbal abuse that is happening in your life.- If you think the definition and consequences of verbal abuse accurately describe the issues you are struggling with, 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) will connect you to the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline.[3]
- A professional will help you report verbal abuse.
- If you do not have access to a phone, ask a teacher or trustworthy adult for help calling.
Remove yourself from the situation. Shouting makes people angry, so revisiting the problem in 20 minutes or even the next morning is sometimes the only way to calm down.[4] If your parents think you are just avoiding them, tell them you need a break.- Say, “Can we please talk about this in a half an hour?”
- Ask politely, “Please, can I sit in the other room for a few minutes?”
- Tell them, “I really want to talk about this tomorrow.”
Practice deep breathing. Regain control of yourself by breathing deeply. The best way to do this is to go in a different room away from your parents. Sit in a chair with your back straight, and breath in through your nose for 5 or 6 seconds. Then, hold the breath for one second, and breathe out slowly for 7 seconds. Repeat this 10 times.[5]
Go for a walk. Physical activity can help you calm down, and this is a good way to get away from the shouting. Be sure to ask your parents for permission—don't just run out of the house.
Don't be immature even if you really want to. Immature behavior includes mimicking your parents, talking back disrespectfully, or trying to make your parents even more angry. The urge to snap back at your parents while they are shouting can be almost unbearable, but don't do it. This will only make them angrier and make the situation worse. Keep your comments to yourself, and wait for them to stop shouting.EXPERT TIPDr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience, and is now the Clinical Director at Coast Psychological Services in Los Angeles, California. She received her Doctor of Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2009. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples.Licensed Psychologist
Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed PsychologistGive yourself a few minutes to calm down before responding. Psychologist Dr. Liana Georgoulis says: "When you're upset, your heart rate goes up and your fight or flight response kicks in. When that happens, it's almost impossible to actively listen, problem-solve, or speak calmly. If you try to have a conversation while that's happening, you'll typically create more conflict."
Look your parents in the eye. Face-to-face communication is much more effective than looking off to the side while someone is talking to you. If you look your parents in the eye, you seem much more honest and genuine about whatever you are saying.
Explain the situation from your point of view. If there is something specific you did wrong, such as fail a class or lie to your parents, now is the time to apologize and explain yourself. Be sincere and honest about what you did wrong and how you will improve in the future.- Don't make excuses for something you did.
- Taking responsibility for your actions is a very adult thing to do.
- Admitting you are wrong can sometimes get your parents to stop shouting; they will appreciate the honesty.
Listen to your parents. Chances are, if your parents are shouting, they're really emotional and upset about something. Once you've explained yourself, listen to your parent's side of the story. They are most likely very concerned about something, and listening will help you understand them.
Tell your parents they hurt your feelings when they shout. When things settle down, tell your parents you feel hurt when they shout at you. They might not know this, and they might not even notice they're shouting.- Say, “I feel hurt when you shout at me.”
- Tell them, “When you shout at me, I feel like crying.”
- Request that they act differently, “Next time, can you talk to me in a normal voice?"
Figure out what is causing your parents to shout. Often, you will already know why your parent is shouting at you. If you didn't clean your room, acted in a disrespectful way, or did something wrong, identify the behavior. Sometimes, you genuinely won't know why your parents are shouting, so try asking.- Say, “Can you tell me why you are shouting?”
- Ask, “What did I do wrong?”
- Get advice: “How can I change my behavior?”
Change your behavior. Once you figure out why your parents are shouting at you, before shouting is necessary, change your behavior so your parents approve of it. This is the safest tactic and the most beneficial in the long run. Most parents will appreciate you trying to act differently.- For example, if your parents shout when you don't do your homework, do your homework every day.
- Clean your room if they are shouting about you being messy.
- If your parents say you have an attitude, try to be more respectful.
Compromise with your parents. If your parents shout about something you really do not want to change, just compromise with them. They might shout about the way you dress, the color you want to paint your bedroom, or even the food you eat.[6] Compromising a little bit can go a long way.- Tell your parents something is important to you: “I really want to paint my walls red because I think the color is beautiful.”
- Offer a compromise: “Ok, what if I eat healthy for two meals a day instead of only one?”
- Ask them to meet you in the middle: “I really don't want to wear baggy jeans. Can't I wear tight jeans some of the time?”
Expert Q&A
Tips
- Remember your parents love you.Thanks
- Even happy and healthy families fight sometimes! Keep trying to communicate to push past any disagreements.Thanks
- Be patient with your parents, sometimes they just had a bad day.Thanks
Warnings
- When you have face to face conversations with them, do not laugh even if you cannot stand serious faces. They may think that you are treating the situation as a joke and not seriously.Thanks
- If you are being abused, call an abuse hotline immediately.Thanks
- Physical and psychological abuse is never ok. Talk to a professional and call the cops if your parents hit or abuse you.[7]Thanks
References
- ↑ http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2007/04/verbal-beatings-hurt-as-much-as-sexual-abuse/
- ↑ http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2007/04/verbal-beatings-hurt-as-much-as-sexual-abuse/
- ↑ http://safety.more4kids.info/202/signs-of-emotional-child-abuse/
- ↑ https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/study-says-yelling-as-harmful-as-spanking-in-disciplining-kids-so-what-should-parents-do/2013/10/01/dcb01b74-1bf1-11e3-8685-5021e0c41964_story.html
- ↑ http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/treatment/breathing-exercises
- ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/fight.html?tracking=T_RelatedArticle#
- ↑ https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/responding/reporting/how/
About This Article
If your parents lose their cool from time to time and wind up yelling at you, stay calm and communicate in a healthy way. Shouting makes people angry, so politely remove yourself and ask if you can talk in 20 minutes, so they have time to calm down. Once you’re alone, sit down and take a few deep breaths or go for a short walk to regain control. When everyone is ready to talk, look your parents in the eye and explain the situation from your point of view to show them that you’re being honest and taking responsibility for your actions. If they seem receptive, take this opportunity to also tell your parents that they hurt your feelings when they shouted at you. You can then request that they act differently in the future by saying something like “Next time, can you talk to me in a normal voice?” To learn how to identify verbal abuse, keep reading.
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