How to Deal With Your Parents' Divorce

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Emotional Processing

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Lifestyle Adjustments

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Future Conflict Navigation

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Dealing with your parents getting a divorce is never easy. You will have to confront a lot of new emotions, adjust to many different changes in your life, and maybe deal with conflicts and arguments between your parents. Reaching out for support when you need it and being flexible will help make the transition much easier. It may seem like the end of the world right now, but it will get better!

Part 1

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Emotional Processing

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1
Know that it is not your fault. If your parents are getting divorced, it's because of issues between the two of them, not because of anything you did. Most of the time, parents choose to get divorced because they fight with each other, because their feelings about one another have changed, or because of a serious issue in the relationship, like infidelity or substance abuse. There's no reason for you to feel guilty at all.
- You may be even more likely to blame yourself for the divorce if your parents get you involved in their conflicts or if they seem to hold it against you for caring about the other parent. No matter what they say or do, it is important to remember that you did not initiate these conflicts and that you have the right to love both of your parents.
- If your parents ever say something to make you feel like the divorce is your fault, talk to them about it. They may have not really meant what they said at all. Try to keep in mind that this is a stressful time for your parents and they are not perfect.^{[1]XResearch source}
No two kids feel exactly the same way about their parents' divorce. You might be confused, angry, sad, or even glad, if your parents fought a lot. No matter how you are feeling, it's important to validate your emotions. There's no reason to feel guilty about how you are feeling.^{[2]XResearch source}
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3
Talk to friends and family members. Don't forget that your friends and family members are there for you during this difficult time. Reach out to people who you are close to for support. You may even know people who have been through a similar situation.
- If you have siblings, they are going through the same thing that you are going through, so be there for each other.
- You may not want to talk to all of your friends about your parents' divorce. Choose one or two close confidants who will understand your situation and be compassionate. Chances are some of your friends have also dealt with a divorce.
4
Don't be afraid to talk to your parents. Talking to your parents about the effect that their divorce is having on you can make a big difference. Remember, if they don't know what you think or how you feel, they can't help you cope with those thoughts and emotions.
- Let them know how you're feeling and what you're worried about.
- If you have questions about how the divorce will affect your future, ask! Even if your parents don't know the answer, this will give you the opportunity to have an open conversation about what will happen next.
- Try to talk to your parents face-to-face rather than through text conversations. Expressing how you feel in person will help facilitate more understanding and empathy for one another.^{[3]XExpert SourceJin S. Kim, MA
  Licensed Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 14 May 2019.}
5
Seek professional help. Even if you don't have any friends or family members who you can talk to about your parents' divorce, you don't need to deal with your emotions by yourself! There are many resources available to adolescents who need some help getting through this tough stage.^{[4]XResearch source}
- You may want to talk to a social worker or psychologist. If you don't know one, ask your doctor for a referral.
- Your school may have counselors who are available to talk with you about personal issues.
- There are also support groups specifically designed for children and adolescents who are dealing with their parents' divorces. You may be able to find a group at your school or in your local community.
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Don't suppress your emotions. No matter how you are feeling about your parents' divorce, it's important to confront those emotions instead of trying to bury them. When people suppress their emotions, they often turn to destructive behaviors, like abusing drugs and alcohol or overeating, to help them cope. These kinds of behaviors will only make the situation worse.
- If you are struggling with self-destructive behavior, it's important to get professional counseling right away. You need to learn healthier ways to deal with your emotions so you will not feel the need to harm yourself.
7
Find new ways of dealing with stress. Your parents' divorce may have created more stress in your life than you've ever had to deal with before. If so, you may not be well-equipped to handle that stress, so it's important to look for ways to cope. Everyone is different, but most people are able to find enjoyable hobbies that help them get through tough times.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Journaling helps many people sort through their feelings and relieve stress.
- Physical activities like playing sports or going for walks are excellent for reducing stress.
- Other hobbies may also relieve stress simply by getting your mind off of your parents' divorce. Try doing an art project or socializing with friends.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Lifestyle Adjustments

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1
Work out a schedule. More than likely, you will end up splitting your time between your two parents after they divorce, whether you spend an equal amount of time with both of them or live primarily with one and visit the other. Talk to your parents about how this will work. They may already have a plan, or they may want your input.
- You and your parents will need to come up with a schedule that allows you spend time with both parents, but does not interfere too much with your other responsibilities and commitments.
- Tell your parents how you really feel about the custody arrangement, especially if something about it isn't working for you. They may be willing to make adjustments to the schedule to help make it easier for you.^{[6]XResearch source}
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Adapt to a new home and/or school. In some cases, a divorce may mean that you need to move to a new home, maybe even in a new school district. This can seem catastrophic for many young people, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Try to look at the situation in a positive way. You can see it as an opportunity to meet new people and try new things.
- While you should definitely try to make new friends if you're moving to a new area, you should also keep in touch with your old friends. Even if you don't get to see them every day anymore, you can keep in touch with them over the phone and on social media, and they can offer you a lot of support as you adjust to your new life.
- Try not to be angry with your parents for forcing you to move. Instead, work on building your relationship with them. They may be able to offer you a lot of support if you stop shutting them out.^{[8]XExpert SourceJin S. Kim, MA
  Licensed Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 14 May 2019.}
3
Be prepared for financial changes. Divorce often causes financial hardship for both parents. You may find that your parents have to work more or are not able to afford as many luxuries as they were when they were married. While this may be an adjustment for you, try to understand that they are doing everything they can to provide you with the best possible life.
- Try not to worry too much about your family's finances. If you have specific concerns, such as how your parents will pay for your college education, don't be afraid to bring up the subject with them.
4
Accept that your parents may start dating. One of the more challenging adjustments for many children of divorce is learning to deal with their parents' new boyfriends and girlfriends. Some parents start dating shortly after a divorce, while others may wait longer. If your parents have not started dating yet, it may help to prepare yourself for the reality that it might happen. Try to remind yourself that you want both of your parents to be happy, even if that means getting into a relationship with someone besides your other parent.^{[9]XResearch source}
- If your parents remarry, you may find yourself living with a step-parent, and maybe even step-siblings. If this happens to you, do your best to get to know your new family members and form a relationship with them. While it may not always be easy, being welcoming to them and trying to find common interests will make the transition much easier.
- If you're ever uncomfortable with someone who one of your parents is dating, or if you have questions about how the relationship will affect you, don't be afraid to talk to your parent about it. When doing this, be kind and respectful instead of accusing your parent of trying to hurt you by dating.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Future Conflict Navigation

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1
Figure out how you can include both parents in your life. If your parents don't want to see each other, it may be tricky to coordinate events that they used to go to together. Take some time to sit down with your parents and discuss ways that both of them can continue to attend important events.^{[10]XResearch source}
- For recurring events, like sports games, you may arrange for your parents to alternate their attendance. This way, both of them will get to see you play and there will always be someone there to cheer you on, but they will never have to be at the game together.
- You may have to arrange to do some things twice. For example, it may work out better to have two separate birthday parties with each of your parents instead of trying to have them both come to one party.
- In some cases, you parents may have no choice but to attend the same event. For example, if you are graduating from high school, they will probably both want to attend the ceremony. In this case, talk to them ahead of time about being civil to one another and arrange for them to sit separately.
2
Avoid taking sides. You will have a much easier time dealing with your parents' divorce if you can remain a neutral party. It's important to remember that your parents' issues are between the two of them, so you do not need to get involved.
- Try to maintain a relationship with both parents. Even if you live primarily with one parent, make an effort to stay in touch with the other one.
- If your parents try to make you choose sides, let them know that you want to maintain a healthy relationship with both of your parents.
3
Talk to your parents about conflicts. Some divorced parents are not able to interact with each other without fighting. If this is the case for you, your parents may be creating a lot of stress and tension in your life. While there's nothing you can do about how your parents feel about each other, you can ask them to refrain from arguing in front of you, talking negatively about each other to you, or using you as a go-between.
- Make it very clear that you do not want to be caught in the middle of their arguments.
4
Let your parents know if they are leaning on you too much. In some cases, parents rely on their children for emotional support during difficult times. This may not be a problem, but if you feel burdened by it, it's important to talk to your parent about how you feel. You should not be expected to be the rock if you are having problems dealing with the divorce as well.
- If a parent depends on you for support more than you are comfortable with, try to think of other people who he or she may be able to confide in. If there are no close friends or family members for the parent to talk to, suggest professional counseling.
- Try to keep in mind that the divorce is just as hard for your parents as it is for you. They may need help dealing with their emotions, just like you might.

Expert Q&A

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How can I handle conflict with my parents?
Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.
Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
Relationships with our parents and family can be the most difficult and triggering relationships for some people. Unlike friends, we can’t choose who are our family members. The answer to this question varies depending on the situation, but generally, I encourage my clients in this situation to engage and communicate with the parent.
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If you find it too difficult to talk to your parents initially, try writing them a letter expressing how you feel. This can help loosen up any stalemates between yourself and your parents and open up communication.^{[11]XExpert SourceJin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family TherapistExpert Interview. 14 May 2019.}
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Don’t choose sides, and don't let your parents try to force you to choose either. It is a form of manipulation that will only cause harm in the end. Remain as neutral as possible, but feel free to still love both your parents.
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Try to avoid isolating yourself. It will be much easier to deal with all of your emotions when you have the support of loved ones.
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