What Is Gray Divorce?

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What it means to end a marriage after 50

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• Gray Divorce Meaning
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• Reasons for Rising Gray Divorce
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• Effects of Gray Divorce
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• Life After Divorce
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• Repairing a Marriage
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• Video
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• Expert Interview
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• Expert Q&A

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When we think about divorce, we often think of younger couples, but older couples separate, too. Gray divorce is separation that occurs after the age of 50, and it carries some key distinctions from divorce in other age ranges. We’ll fill you in on more about what gray divorce is, why it happens, and how you can land on your feet after going through one. For those of you still weighing your options, we’ll offer helpful advice on repairing a marriage as an alternative to separation.

Things You Should Know

• Gray divorce is when a couple over the age of 50 decides to end a marriage. Researchers note that the rate of gray divorce is on the rise.
• Gray divorce often happens because older couples drift apart or reevaluate what they want in a partner some years into the marriage.
• Shifting personal and societal values also enable gray divorce, since divorce is much more accepted today than it was in the past.

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Section 1 of 5:

Gray Divorce Meaning

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1. 
   Gray divorce is the end of a marriage between people older than 50. Research around divorce used to focus primarily on younger couples. Recently, the term “gray divorce” was coined to bring attention to and study divorce rates of people older than 50 years. Gray divorce is often distinct from other divorce age ranges, as older generations often have different ideals, traditions, beliefs, and financial circumstances than younger generations.

   • Research suggests that the rates of gray divorce are on the rise, more than doubling since 1990), In 2017 alone, more than 340,000 women over the age of 50 divorced.
   • Older couples may be divorcing at higher rates due to evolving social values, shifting individual priorities, and the ever-changing quality of life among older adults.
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Section 2 of 5:

Reasons for Rising Gray Divorce

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   Older partners have grown apart over time. Older married couples have accumulated years of experience that younger couples haven’t. Over the course of those years, an older couple may grow apart emotionally and physically, as they take on new and separate interests, values, or even appearances. This gradual drifting apart makes divorce a sensible conclusion to many relationships that might no longer serve the couple.

   • Growing apart might also make meeting another romantic partner a greater possibility for an older person, which may prompt the end of one marriage and the start of another.
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   Empty nest syndrome leads to restless marriages. Having and raising children gives many couples a goal and a purpose that helps them unite and stay together. When those children fly the coop, though, that goal disappears. After their children leave home, some couples find that their reasons for staying in a marriage leave, too, leading older couples to opt for divorce.

   • In addition, worry over the absent children’s well-being may place added stress on an already stressed marriage.
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   Longer life expectancies lead to more expiring marriages. Modern medicine and amenities have led to life expectancies that are much longer than they were in the past. Before, there was a common expectation for a marriage to end with the death of a partner. A single, lasting marriage may have been more feasible for many couples who didn’t imagine living to 70, 80, or even 90. Now, however, older couples are finding that, put frankly, life is just too long to stay with a single person for all of it.
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   Divorce is much more accepted than in the past. Divorce was something of a societal taboo just a few decades ago, but modern views are much more lax. These days, divorce is common and widely accepted. This changing societal opinion enables people who might have been discouraged from divorcing in the past to now separate from their long-time partner without so much negative reaction.

   • This shifting opinion is personal as well as societal. Individuals who may not have approved of divorce may find themselves with a different opinion years later.
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   Divorce is more common in subsequent marriages. Older generations have had more time to undergo a first divorce. And after the first divorce, later divorces become easier to handle—mentally, physically, and financially. Someone who’s already divorced a partner may be more comfortable doing it again. This might lead to a cascading series of divorces, making divorce more common among older demographics.

   • Someone who’s already had one divorce already has an idea of what to expect, and so there’s less uncertainty and fear in undertaking a second or third divorce.
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   Standards for life partners are higher than in the past. It wasn’t too long ago that society viewed marriage as primarily a way to have children and pool resources. Recently, though, societal views have shifted, and now finding a married partner often has more to do with love, self-fulfillment, and emotional connection than it may have when a couple first got married. Those shifting standards lead many married couple to reevaluate their marriage, and even end it in favor of seeking a more fulfilling partner.
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   Financial independence might make marriage less appealing. Traditionally, men were breadwinners and women were homemakers. Over time, women joined the workforce and forged their own careers and income. This newfound income enables many women to be financially independent. For women who saw marriage as a financial solution, that relationship may no longer be needed.

   • On the other hand, women may find that splitting their finances through marriage agreements to be too limiting or draining, and turn to gray divorce to regain some financial autonomy.
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Section 3 of 5:

Effects of Gray Divorce

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   Gray divorce may impact your mental and physical health. Divorce can result in worsened mental health, like depression or prolonged stress, but that’s not exactly unique to gray divorce. The sticking point is that some who undergo a gray divorce feel that they have less time to bounce back, which can lead to greater amounts of stress or depression. The good news is, that doesn’t stop new divorcees from forging new and happy post-divorce lives.

   • It’s widely acknowledged that a decline in mental health can manifest as a decline in physical health, as well. For older demographics that may already have health complications, that decline may be more pronounced.
   • That said, gray divorce may also improve someone’s mental and physical health. If someone has been in a long and unhappy marriage, exiting the marriage may relieve longstanding stressors or promote lifestyle changes not possible in the marriage, like more exercise or socializing.
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   Gray divorce might affect your financial situation. For those who rely on their spouse’s income for security, getting a divorce may pose significant financial hurdles. After divorce, they must find a new source of income, which can be challenging for those who haven’t been in the workforce for some years. Unfortunately, this tends to affect women more than their male counterparts, who are more likely to have an established career.

   • Also, new gray divorcees may struggle with securing healthcare, which is often tied to their spouses’ employment. Many opt for Medicaid or Medicare.
   • Retirement and housing are also major concerns in a gray divorce. Many single, older individuals rely on their family to support them in their golden years, but if someone’s only family is their spouse, they may find that they lack those resources.
   • Alimony and other divorce dividends are also tricky in gray divorce. It can take quite a bit of time to determine what, in decades of acquiring possessions, belongs to who. And if the primary breadwinner is retired, their pension or retirement plan may be spread thin by alimony.
   EXPERT TIP

   

   Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

   Clinical Psychologist

   Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

   

   Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
   Clinical Psychologist

   Going through a divorce in older age requires thoughtful communication and planning. Older couples divorcing need to discuss financial obligations, shared assets and debts, retirement funds, and insurance changes. Making a comprehensive list enables carefully considering each aspect of separation. Openly communicating and thoughtfully preparing makes the process smoother.
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   Gray divorce can shift your family dynamics. Divorce almost always affects the children in the relationship, but those effects are unique when it comes to gray divorce. Adult children may have an easier time comprehending a divorce, but they may question their upbringings, or believe that their parents’ relationship was false the whole time, which often requires some hard conversations to alleviate.

   • Also, studies show that after a gray divorce, fathers tend to have less contact with their adult children while offering more financial assistance, while mothers offer the same financial assistance but have more interactions and closer relationships with their children after the fact.
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Section 4 of 5:

Navigating Gray Divorce

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   Make a plan for supporting yourself financially. Divorce always requires a rethinking of your financial situation, but gray divorce especially throws some curveballs. You may lose your primary source of income if you previously relied on your spouse, as well as your spouse’s healthcare or housing. If possible, make a plan to get these things covered before the divorce—review your retirement plan, consider starting a career for a stable and independent income, or apply for MediCare or Medicaid to secure healthcare.

   • Many gray divorcees also turn to their families for support after a divorce. Consider the possibility of living with a family member, or turning to your other relatives for care.
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   Hire a lawyer to help you navigate the legal and financial questions. Divorce presents a number of legal hurdles and questions. Will your possessions be split up? Who gets your properties? Was there a binding prenup? Not to mention stocks, pensions, and alimony. In a gray divorce, sorting these out may entail sifting through decades of legal paperwork. Almost always, those legal hurdles require hiring a lawyer to help you sort them out.

   • If you or your spouse are unable to obtain legal help, you may need to divorce without an attorney and come to personal agreements about possessions and other assets. If possible, consult a trusted friend or family member to help mediate those discussions.
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   Find a community to help you land on your feet. A safety net is essential in any divorce, but gray divorce can mean having to give up mutual friends or communities. During (and after) the process, identify a few close friends, or even find a therapist, who you can rely on to support you emotionally. Talk to them about the process, how it makes you feel, and what you hope to get out of it in order to sort out your thoughts.

   • Also, consider joining a social club like a book club or a workout group in order to establish yourself as a new and independent member of a greater community.
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   Talk with your adult children about the separation. After a gray divorce, your relationships with your adult children may shift. Your children may feel like they need to take sides (or avoid doing so), and they might reevaluate your past relationship. When you can, sit them down and clearly explain your reasons for the divorce, and that the divorce doesn’t invalidate your past relationship as their parent.

   • Also, resist overindulging or complaining to your children about your spouse. Many gray divorcees make this mistake, since it’s easy to see your adult children as confidants or peers in your divorce.
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   Focus on doing the things you love to manage your emotions. Divorce is a big lifestyle change, and you might feel a bit lost trying to navigate your post-divorce life. Look to your personal interests for direction. Ask yourself: What gives you satisfaction and pleasure outside of your relationship? It may be art, hobbies, your career, or personal goals. Refocus the energy you used to spend on your marriage into your personal interests to help you find purpose.

   • For example, many gray divorcees use their newfound independence to travel the world, making new life experiences that might not have been possible with a partner in the equation.
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   Reenter the dating pool if it feels right. Your love life doesn’t have to end with a divorce. In fact, you may be better equipped now to find your ideal partner than you were the first time around. Think about what you learned—What’s important to you in a partner? What’s important to you in a relationship? If you feel ready, use that experience to get back out there and find someone who’s a better match for your current self.

   • Hobby groups for older adults, like outdoors clubs or book groups, are great ways to meet singles in your age range. Alternatively, sites like Match.com or Singles50 are tailored to helping older adults find relationships.
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Section 5 of 5:

Repairing a Marriage

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1. 
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   Turn arguments into productive moments. If you’re over 50 and considering divorce, your arguments may be circular or stale, which places added stress on the relationship. Any time you argue, stop and analyze the argument, and ask if there are ways to defuse the argument or even make it productive. What is the root of the argument? Does it have a solution you may have been avoiding? Is there something you might do together to distract from that root issue?

   • For example, if you repeatedly argue about who has to do the dishes, the root issue may be an imbalance in household labor. You might create a schedule that suggests alternating responsibility for dishes after dinner.
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   Recognize and accept each others’ differences. If you’ve been married a long time, chances are that you’re keenly aware of your spouse’s quirks and unique traits. They may grate after so long, but the key to cohabiting happily is learning to accept and compromise with your spouse and their quirks rather than wanting to change them. Ask yourself: Does this quirk have a positive side or a benefit you might not have considered?

   • For example, if your spouse has a tendency to overspend, you might use that trait as an opportunity to shop together, which creates more opportunities for bonding.
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   Perform small acts of love to maintain your marriage. A marriage is built on the small gestures that add up over time. You don’t need to take constant vacations or spend lots of money on gifts to show your love. Instead, make it a point to say, “I love you,” frequently. Cook an unexpected dinner, or pitch in on your spouse’s chores to show them you appreciate them. Small gestures put your commitment on display.

   • Also consider making art for them, or surprising them with small, inexpensive gifts like desserts, flowers, or outings to museums.
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   Invest in your personal interests. Too much time around any single person can cause division and drama, and it’s important to have a personal life separate from your spouse. Take time to pursue your hobbies, or join a social club to get you out of the house. After all, distance makes the heart grow fonder.

   • Also, encourage your spouse to pursue their own interests. When you’re both doing things that make you feel fulfilled, even separately, you’ll both be happier.
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   Live apart instead of divorcing. Many couples choose to separate rather than have a divorce. This is when you live apart and, in all manners except legal, are virtually divorced. It’s a good solution if you’re content with, or don’t want to deal with, the financial implications of your relationship, but can’t repair the emotional side of the relationship.

   • Or, take some time apart before separating for good. You may find that a month or even a year apart is enough time to get some perspective and find solutions.
   • Note that separation makes later remarriage difficult, as you’ll have to sort out the legalities before you can marry someone new.
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   See a marriage counselor to help resolve conflicts. Some marital issues are bigger than you or your spouse, and that’s okay! Despite how you may feel, neither of you are in this alone, not even alone together. If you encounter an issue you can’t think your way out of, see a marriage counselor. A professional can provide some much-needed perspective and practical solutions that may avert further conflicts or even divorce.

   • Of course, don’t rule out divorce if it seems necessary. Making yourself stay in an unhappy relationship, even with a counselor, doesn’t do yourself any favors. Your counselor may even be able to weigh in on the possibility of gray divorce, and if it’s suitable for you.
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  What is the best way to navigate a divorce?

  

  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Clinical Psychologist

  Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

  

  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

  Clinical Psychologist

  Expert Answer

  Open and effective communication is crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship. The avoidance of communication can only escalate negative emotions and sentiments. There are various compelling reasons to foster communication with your partner, particularly to facilitate a smoother process of separation and divorce.

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  If How.com.vn has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission.Support How.com.vn

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• Question

  How do we divide our assets when considering a divorce?

  

  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Clinical Psychologist

  Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

  

  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

  Clinical Psychologist

  Expert Answer

  When considering a divorce, it's necessary to divide not only sentimental items accumulated throughout life's journey but also assets and debts. Financial considerations often weigh heavily on individuals undergoing separation. When contemplating divorce, it is essential to address a range of factors beyond the relational aspect. These include financial obligations, retirement benefits, personal assets, debts, and life and health insurance. Even mundane details, though less glamorous, must be carefully considered. Creating a comprehensive list and thoroughly evaluating the implications of divorce is crucial. Rushing such a decision is ill-advised; instead, each aspect should be considered thoughtfully.

  Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
  Thank you for your feedback.
  If How.com.vn has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission.Support How.com.vn

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