How to Defuse an Argument

Being in an intense argument can be physically and mentally draining. Instead of yelling and arguing back, you should consider defusing an argument instead. If you can manage your own emotions and learn how to communicate with someone effectively, you can defuse an argument before it escalates any further.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Calming Yourself Down

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1
Breathe deeply from your diaphragm. Take a deep breath in through your nose and exhale out through your mouth. Each inhalation and exhalation should last for a full second. Continue to breathe and count to 10 in your head.^{[1]XTrustworthy SourceAmerican Psychological AssociationLeading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologistsGo to source}
- As you breathe, you should start to feel your body calming down. You may have to do this a few times before you start feeling any effects.
2
Excuse yourself from the conversation. Before the conversation escalates to a full-blown argument, remove yourself from the situation. Excuse yourself to the bathroom or tell the person that you need a second and take a walk. This space will give you time to think about the argument and your emotions.^{[2]XResearch source}
- You can say something like, “I’ll be right back, I need to use the bathroom. When I get back, let’s talk about this.”
- Don't worry about coming off as rude or impolite. It is much better to step away and "cool off" than to stick around and blow your fuse.
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3
Evaluate your emotions. When you're alone, think about the conversation and determine what is making you angry in the first place. Try to look at the conversation as objectively as possible. Reflect on whether you're mad over the argument or if you’re angry over something unrelated.^{[3]XResearch source}
- Think of ways to verbalize it so that you can communicate it to the person you’re arguing with.
- You can say something like, “I realized I was angry because of how you spoke to me earlier today. I wasn't actually that angry about you not taking out the trash.”
4
Think about the bigger picture. Sometimes we can get so engaged in an argument that we forget how the conflict will affect our long-term relationship with a person. Try to take a step back and think about the importance of the argument. If the argument is over something that isn’t meaningful, it may help you calm down, give you greater perspective, and put an end to the argument. ^{[4]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- For example, if your friend forgot to order your coffee frappe with extra whipped cream, just tell yourself that "it's no big deal, at least they ordered something for you."
EXPERT TIP
Maya Diamond, MA
Master's in Somatic Psychology & Relationship Coach
Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 13 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009.
Maya Diamond, MA
Master's in Somatic Psychology & Relationship Coach
If you're arguing with a loved one, remind yourself what they mean to you. Dating and relationship coach, Maya Diamond says: "When you recognize that your emotions have been triggered, look in the mirror and say, 'Everything's going to be okay. This person loves me and I love them, even if I'm feeling angry and hurt right now. I need to figure out how to share my feelings in a way that lets them really hear me.' A lot of times, that means sharing your most vulnerable emotions first."
5
Return to the conversation once you’ve calmed down. It’s important that you return to the person and continue the conversation after you’ve calmed down. If you don’t, the other person may not understand how you feel and the argument is likely to come up again. Once you’ve thought about your emotions, you can go back into the conversation with a level head.
- Once you come back say something like, “Okay, sorry about that. Are you still ready to talk?”
- Be aware that the other person may not be ready to talk yet. If they seem agitated, give them a little more time to calm down.
6
Learn to let go to keep yourself from getting upset. Some issues may not be worth getting all worked up about. Get into the habit of asking yourself if this is really worth getting upset about, or if it is something you should simply try to let go. Once you have decided to let go of the issue, you may feel more calm about the situation.^{[5]XResearch source}
- If you find that you cannot let the issue rest, then this is a sign that it may be something you will need to address.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Turning an Argument into a Conversation

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1
Ask open-ended questions. Asking open-ended questions will open the other person up and help you understand their point of view. Acknowledge their feelings and listen to what they have to say, then respond by asking them questions about that require more than a one-word answer. Focus your questions on how they feel and what you can do to prevent arguments in the future.
- You can say something like, "So how did the experience make you feel?"
- You can say something like, “I get why you would be angry. What would you prefer me to do in the future?”
2
Listen to the other person. Practice active listening and avoid interrupting the other person. Concentrate on what they are saying rather than thinking about how you're going to respond. The more that you listen to them, the more that you'll understand their point of view.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Understanding the other person's point of view may help you realize that your anger was misplaced and that they really meant no offense.
- Active listening takes practice. Don't beat yourself up if you struggle with it at first. Just try your best to listen to what the other person is saying and take mental notes.
3
Look at the argument in the third person. High emotions can make people irrational. After you listen to the person, try to take a step back from your emotions and look at the argument from a third person's perspective. This may help you see their point of view and may assist you in understanding why they may be angry.^{[7]XTrustworthy SourceHarvard Business ReviewOnline and print journal covering topics related to business management practicesGo to source}
- Don't look at the argument from your perspective or their perspective. Rather, pretend that you just walked in on the argument as a stranger. What does it look like to you?
4
Rephrase their side of the argument. Many times arguments arise out of miscommunication. Taking someone’s argument and saying it back to them will let the person know that you’re actively listening to them and care about how they feel. It will also allow them the opportunity to explain their side of things and can prevent miscommunication.^{[8]XResearch source}
- You can say something like, "So what you're saying is that you don't like the way my friends talk to you. Is that right?"
- If you rephrase their side of the argument incorrectly, that's okay! Give them a chance to re-explain themselves.
5
Be honest about your feelings. Sometimes in an argument, people tend to meet anger with anger. This will only escalate things and make them worse. Instead, let the other person know when they cross the line and are hurting your feelings, rather than getting angry and yelling.
- You can say something like “Ouch, that hurts my feelings. Do you really mean what you just said?”
- Make sure to use “I” statements when you express your feelings. This will help to prevent the person from becoming defensive. Try saying, “I feel hurt when I don’t get a say in these matters.”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Calming the Other Person Down

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1
Keep your tone of voice even and calm. If you yell or scream at the person, they are more likely to match your energy. Keep a smile or neutral expression on your face and keep your voice at a conversational tone.
- If you are the one who is angry, you can smile or maintain a neutral expression.
- If it's the other person who's upset, it's best to keep a neutral expression. Smiling might make them think you aren't taking their feelings seriously.
2
Find something you agree on. Agreeing with something they are saying will help you in restarting the conversation and can tone down the energy in an argument. Instead of telling the person they are wrong or their point of view isn’t valid, start by talking about things you can agree on.^{[9]XResearch source}
- For instance, you can say something like “Yes, I agree, it wasn’t the right thing to do in that situation.”
- You can also say, “I understand why you would be mad and I would be too, but that’s not what actually happened. Let me explain it from my point of view.”
3
Be willing to compromise. Once you understand the situation more and hear what the other person wants out of you, you can try to come to a compromise that you can both live with. Try to meet the person halfway, even if it means that you have to make concessions on what you originally wanted.^{[10]XResearch source}
- You can say something like, "So how about this? I'll do the dishes Monday through Thursday and you can do them for the rest of the week. Is that fair?"
- Compromising is not easy and often requires that you swallow your pride. You may not get exactly what you want, but the outcome should be fair for both parties.
4
Use humor to lighten the mood. You can defuse an argument with jokes and laughter. Don't try to do this for more serious arguments, like family or relationship problems, and don't use to it avoid talking about tough issues. Instead, use humor to lighten up the mood if an argument breaks out over a banal or unimportant argument.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Keep in mind that humor is not always the answer. Try giving the person a smile first. If they react negatively to it, then this may not be a joking matter.

Expert Q&A

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Question
How can I avoid getting the cold shoulder?
Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Answer
Try to engage with the person indirectly at first to open up the lines of communication. Consider writing a letter or email stating the problem and asking them their opinion on the issue.
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Question
I don't want people to know that I'm angry at them or somebody else. What should I do to make them leave me alone?
Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Answer
If you are angry, then tell them what makes you angry from your point of view. Don't blame them for your anger, but do suggest ideas to resolve the conflict. If you are being bullied, then it would be helpful to try to ignore the bully if possible and show that you are not emotionally affected by it.
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Question
My friend does not listen to me when I do this, so I am going to write her a letter. How do I do this without hurting her feelings?
Community Answer
Keep it polite and tell them exactly how you feel, because they need to know the truth -- whether they like it or not. Don't lie about what you are feeling; doing so will just create more problems down the road. If you still want to be friends with them, make sure you tell them that.
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