How to Get Rid of an Obsessive Ex Girlfriend

You’ve finally ended a relationship with your girlfriend and you’re ready to move on. The only problem is, she isn’t ready to let go. You'll need to be super clear that the relationship is over so she doesn't think there's a chance that you'll get back together. For more detailed steps, check out our suggestions below.

1

Be kind but blunt when you break it off.

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Make it really clear that you don't want to date her anymore. You don't have to explain or give your reasoning—the critical thing is that you tell her it's over. Be very direct and don't send mixed signals so she thinks there could be a chance.^{[1]XResearch source}
- For example, instead of saying, "I'll always love you," or, "I need a break," say something like, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore," or, "This didn't work out and I want us to go our separate ways."
- Keep this conversation short. The longer you stay and talk, the more she'll try to convince you to change your mind.

2

Stop all communication with your ex.

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Don't respond to their texts, phone calls, or emails. If you keep a line of communication open, she'll probably think there's a chance she can get you back. By not answering her calls or responding to her messages, she'll start to figure out that you're truly done. If she's still not getting the idea, go ahead and block her so you don't get her calls or texts.^{[2]XExpert SourceCristina Morara
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 29 September 2020.}
- She might cry or sound distraught, but don't give in and communicate or she'll continue to bother you.
- If she tries to send you gifts after your breakup, it’s best to ignore them rather than open up communication to try to send them back.
- Reader Poll: We asked 309 How.com.vn readers who've had an ex send them gifts, and 66% of them agreed that the best way to handle the situation is by ignoring them. [Take Poll]

3

Change your social media settings.

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Block her and don't interact with her on social media. Unfortunately, if your ex is being obsessive, she'll probably read into every little comment or status update so it's best to cut off interactions on social media. Update your privacy settings so she can't see your posts or images.^{[3]XExpert SourceCristina Morara
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 29 September 2020.}
- For instance, if you like one of her photos or respond to a tweet, she might think that you're still interested in her so it's better not to engage.

4

Make adjustments to your routine.

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Avoid places where your ex could meet up with you. Your ex probably knows where you like to hang out, so mix things up a little. Try new places where she can't pretend to bump into you. Although this might seem inconvenient, it sends a clear message to her that you don't want her to find you.^{[4]XResearch source}
- You don't need to keep this up forever. Once your ex gets the idea that it's over, you can totally go back to your daily routine.

5

Be consistent with your boundaries.

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Don't make exceptions for communicating with your ex. If you sometimes answer your phone, let her hang out with you, or respond to her texts, she'll think that you still want a relationship. Stay away from her and keep her blocked until you've heard that she's moved on.^{[5]XResearch source}
- For example, if your ex-girlfriend texts you a dozen times and you respond to her latest text, she'll think that if she messages you enough, you'll respond.

6

Lean on your support system.

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Let them know what's happening so they can help you. It can be hard to open up when you're going through a tough breakup, but if you're being harassed or stalked afterward, it's really important to talk about it. Your friends and family can give you advice on how to deal with the situation, and if your ex reaches out to them, they'll already know what's going on.^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceNational Domestic Violence HotlineOrganization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuseGo to source}
- Don't bad-mouth your ex, but do be honest about the things that are bothering you. For instance, you might say something like, "I'm not sure Aisha can accept that things are really over. She's still calling and messaging me pretty frequently, and I'm concerned things will escalate."
- If you think your ex is getting information about you from a mutual friend—like someone is telling her what you're posting on social media or where you're hanging out—don't share anything private with that person.

7

Tell your mutual friends what's happening between you two.

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Your friends can prevent accidental run-ins with your ex. For instance, they can make sure you're not hanging out as a group when she accidentally stops by. You can also tell them that you don't want them to talk with her about you. Make it clear that she's having a hard time with the relationship ending and that you don't want open lines of communication.^{[7]XExpert SourceCristina Morara
Dating CoachExpert Interview. 29 September 2020.}
- If you've got mutual friends that keep trying to put you in touch with your ex, you may need to cut off contact with them, too, especially if they don't support you.

8

Let her know when she crosses the line.

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Be clear and direct. If your ex does something that you find abusive, like harassing you on social media or popping up where you work, tell her to stop. Also, if you're thinking about getting a restraining order, let her know that you'll take further steps if she doesn't leave you alone .^{[8]XTrustworthy SourceNational Domestic Violence HotlineOrganization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuseGo to source}
- Try saying something like, "Janelle, this is going too far. Calling my phone 80 times a day is stalking behavior and it's not okay. I've printed out a copy of the call logs, and if you keep doing this, I'm going to the police to take legal action."
- Once you say this, don't respond to anything else she says.

9

Take screenshots of harassing texts or posts.

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You can also save emails, DMs, or any other digital evidence. Maybe your ex is constantly messaging you online, sending you threatening emails, or making fake profiles to try to communicate with you after you blocked her. Luckily, you don't have to rely on your word against hers—screen shots are any easy way to prove what's going on.^{[9]XTrustworthy SourceNational Domestic Violence HotlineOrganization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuseGo to source}
- Even if you don't think the situation will escalate, it's a good idea to start taking screenshots as soon as it becomes clear she's not taking the breakup well. That way, if things do get worse, you'll have every incident documented.

10

Take care of your own mental health.

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Talk with a therapist, counselor, or friend if the breakup is hard on you. You might feel guilty if your ex is taking the breakup badly. She might say really hurtful things to you or threaten to harm herself in an effort to get you talking to her again. As hard as it may be, don't give in to her. Instead, talk things through with a trusted friend or mental health professional who can support you during this tricky time.^{[10]XResearch source}
- You can also do activities that help you feel calm and balanced. Make more time for your favorite hobbies or focus your energies on learning something new. Challenging yourself to try something new can be a welcome distraction.

11

Advise your ex-girlfriend to get counseling.

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Encourage her to meet with a therapist or counselor to talk about the breakup. If you're concerned she might hurt herself, put her in touch with a suicide crisis helpline by calling or texting 988 in the United States and Canada and call a family member to be with her.^{[11]XTrustworthy SourceNational Suicide Prevention LifelineSuicide prevention network operating a toll-free 24/7 hotline for anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts or emotional distressGo to source}^{[12]XResearch source}
- Remind her that you can't get back together with her just because she's upset. You want to move on with your life and with the right mental health services, she can too.
- If your ex is threatening to hurt herself, get in touch with her family immediately so they can find resources to help her.

12

Get a restraining order if nothing else works.

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Protect yourself if your ex has threatened you or won't leave you alone. You may have done all you can, but your ex still doesn't accept that the relationship is over. If she's been threatening you, destroying your property, or causing you mental harm, talk with a lawyer and document the abuse. If the judge grants your request for a restraining order, she'll have to stay a specified distance away from you.^{[13]XResearch source}
- If you can't afford a lawyer, ask the court staff to help you fill out the restraining order forms. They'll also explain how the court hearing will proceed.

Expert Q&A

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Question
How do you deal with an obsessive ex-girlfriend?
Cristina Morara
Dating Coach
Cristina Morara is a Professional Matchmaker, Dating Coach, Relationship Expert, and the Founder of Stellar Hitch Private Matchmaking, a luxury matchmaking service based in Los Angeles that serves clients nationwide and internationally. As a former casting director, Cristina specializes in finding the perfect partner through her exclusive global network and detailed, warm approach. Cristina holds a BA in Communications and Psychology from Villanova University. Stellar Hitch has been featured in the Huffington Post, Chelsea Handler’s Netflix documentary, ABC News, the Tonight Show, Voyage LA, and the Celebrity Perspective.
Cristina Morara
Dating Coach
Expert Answer
Stop all contact immediately. Do not talk on the phone, text, email or engage on social media. It may also be best to stop seeing your mutual friends for a while in case new information about you gets back to them and provokes more obsessive behavior. Make sure your friends and family know about it. Delicate situations like these can easily escalate so don’t hesitate to get a restraining order if you feel the least bit unsafe.
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Question
My son's ex girlfriend is a pathological liar. I'm afraid she might be dangerous. What can I do?
Community Answer
You should encourage him to document everything she does to harass him so that he can have evidence to show to the police if he ever needs to get a restraining order.
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What do you do if your boyfriend's ex girlfriend will not let you talk to him?
Community Answer
You should let him know what she's been saying so he can discuss it with her. In the meantime, don't let her dictate when you can talk to your boyfriend.
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Tips

Completely detach yourself from your ex-girlfriend as a way to counteract her obsessiveness.
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Your ex may have co-dependency issues that she needs to work through in order to be in a healthy relationship.
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Warnings

Call 911 if your ex has harmed herself in an attempt to get you back. Let her family know what's happened so they can put her in touch with recovery and mental health resources.^{[14]XResearch source}
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