What Enmeshed Relationships Look like in Families and Couples

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Why enmeshed relationships can be toxic and how to deal with them

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What is enmeshment?

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Signs of Familial Enmeshment

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Signs of Enmeshment in Couples

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Coping with Enmeshment

There’s no better feeling than having a close bond with your family, friends, or romantic partner, but is it possible to be too close to certain people? If you’ve noticed yourself becoming absorbed in your relationship to the point where you’ve begun to lose your sense of self, you may be in an enmeshed relationship. It’s okay though, because we’re here to support you and help you understand your feelings and experiences. We’ll provide you with specific signs to look out for that might indicate you’re in an enmeshed relationship—and most importantly, what to do if you are.

Things You Should Know

An enmeshed relationship is one where relationship boundaries become blurred and people begin to lose their sense of independence.
In familial enmeshed relationships, a parent might place their emotional stress on their child, show favoritism, or guilt their children into staying with them.
A person in an enmeshed romantic relationship might push aside their needs to satisfy their partner or be constantly anxious about their partner leaving them.

Section 1 of 4:

What is enmeshment?

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In enmeshed relationships, physical and emotional boundaries are blurred. People in enmeshed relationships are often extremely close to the point where physical and emotional boundaries are blurred or broken entirely and there’s little privacy left between them. Someone who is in an enmeshed relationship often becomes absorbed in fulfilling the needs of others, which causes them to lose sight of their own needs, wants, and goals. They’re also usually expected to behave, think, and feel in certain ways that are in line with the other people in the relationship.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Enmeshed relationships can occur between family members, friends, and romantic partners.

Section 2 of 4:

Signs of Familial Enmeshment

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There is a lack of privacy between you and your parent. It’s totally normal for a parent to be interested in what’s going on in your life and ask questions about what’s on your mind. However, if you start to notice that your parent’s questioning is becoming extremely personal and invasive, this is a sign of a potentially enmeshed relationship.^{[2]XResearch source}
- An example would be if your mom is constantly asking you about your sex life and your relationship with your partner.
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Your parent treats you more like their friend rather than their child. When your parent starts to see you more as a friend than their child, they begin to blur those boundaries that separate a parent from their child. A parent’s job first and foremost is to take care of you and provide for you. But when they treat you more like their friend, oftentimes they’re turning you into their confidant and putting their parental duties to the side.^{[3]XResearch source}
- When a child’s parent tells them they want to be their friend and not just a parent, it often puts pressure on the child. In this position, the child might feel like it’s their responsibility to make their parent feel good about themselves and strengthen their relationship.^{[4]XResearch source}
- An example of your parent acting more like a friend would be if they’re constantly complaining to you about what’s stressing them. As their child, it’s not your responsibility to help them cope with their stress like one of their actual friends might.
- In a more extreme situation, your parent might share past traumas or long-kept secrets and unload their emotional baggage on you.
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Your parent has told you that you’re their “favorite.” If your parent has singled you out and admitted that you’re their favorite, or if you’ve noticed them giving you preferential treatment, this might be a sign of an enmeshed relationship. For example, they might always ask for your opinion first before any of your siblings or even their spouse. Or, they might help you out more financially compared to your siblings.^{[5]XResearch source}
- Showing favoritism is a parent’s way of indirectly exerting control over their children. If your parent tells you their you’re favorite, you might find yourself becoming more dependent on them and find it harder to eventually leave them.
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You feel like you have to meet your parent’s expectations. Your parent might have a very specific idea of what it means to be successful, and you feel pressured to fulfill their wishes. You might have even given up on your own passions or goals in order to make them happy. For example, maybe you wanted to study design in school, but you chose a career in the medical field so as not to disappoint your parent.^{[6]XResearch source}
- Similarly, another sign of enmeshment is if you notice that your parent’s self-worth seems to depend largely on your successes.
- For example, you might notice your parent bragging about your accomplishments to their friends but have little else to share about their own personal life.
- Or, you may feel like your parent’s life centers around yours. For example, they may not have any hobbies or other friends to keep them busy when you’re away.
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You feel guilty at the thought of leaving your parent. The idea of leaving your parent, such as moving for a job or even spending a weekend away on a trip, causes you stress and anxiety. Your parent may also guilt you if you indicate that you want more time to yourself. They might say something like “There’s no one else to take care of me” or “You’re abandoning me” to get you to stay.^{[7]XResearch source}
- Because of this, you might feel like you don’t have a lot of independence. Even small things like going to the store for a few hours or meeting up with friends might make you feel guilty or anxious.
- Similarly, you might feel guilty for choosing to spend time with one parent as opposed to the other.
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You’ve broken up with a partner because your parent didn’t approve. Even if you thought you met the perfect person, you might’ve still sent them off because your parent said they didn’t like them. This is an example of your parent’s beliefs becoming your own, which is a huge sign of an enmeshed relationship.^{[8]XResearch source}
- For instance, you might’ve had multiple partners in the past, but each time you brought them home, your parent claimed that they weren’t good enough for you.

Section 3 of 4:

Signs of Enmeshment in Couples

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1
You try your best to avoid conflict. You don’t want to do anything that will upset your partner and will often simply defer to what they want in order to keep the peace. Even if it’s not something that you want to do, you might just end up doing it because it makes your partner happy.^{[9]XResearch source}
- For example, you may just let your partner make all of the financial decisions because you don’t want to argue about how to handle saving your money.
- You might also notice that you’re usually the one to apologize first, or you might even apologize when it’s not even your fault.
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You feel guilty when doing something for yourself. You might feel like it’s your responsibility to take care of your partner and make sure they’re feeling happy and content at all times. Because of that, the idea of taking some time to be by yourself or going to pursue your own interests or hobbies might stress you out or make you feel guilty.^{[10]XResearch source}
- The idea of spending time away from your partner might make you feel guilty, so you might often cancel plans with friends or visit your family less often than you’d like.
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Your partner’s interests have become your interests. In order to be closer to your partner, you may have started to adapt their habits and hobbies to your own lifestyle. For example, their interests might include things like working out, craft beers, and politics, so you’ve made those things your hobbies. You might also primarily spend time with their friends and family as opposed to yours.^{[11]XResearch source}
- It’s totally okay to be interested in what your partner likes and try new things for them. However, it’s more likely you’re in an enmeshed relationship when it gets to the point where you no longer have your own separate interests, hobbies, or social life.
Giving up on your dreams or passions for the sake of making your partner happy is a major red flag that indicates an enmeshed, or co-dependent, relationship. For example, you might have really wanted to go back to school but gave that up because your partner wanted to use the money to buy a house.^{[12]XResearch source}
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You’re constantly afraid that your partner will leave you. Whenever you think about your partner leaving you, you might feel extremely anxious or stressed. Therefore, you might try to do everything in your power to keep them happy and satisfied, even if that means that you’re putting yourself second.^{[13]XResearch source}
- You might also tend to overthink situations and expect the worst outcome. For example, if you notice your partner talking with someone else, you might feel jealous and insecure because you think they might leave you for someone else.

Section 4 of 4:

Coping with Enmeshment

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1
Establish healthy boundaries with your family or partner. Enmeshed relationships are problematic because they begin to erase emotional and physical boundaries between people. Come up with some boundaries that would make you feel more comfortable in your relationship and practice saying “no” to the behaviors that make you feel uneasy.^{[14]XResearch source} This can be difficult at first, so start small and work on building up your confidence.^{[15]XResearch source}
- Start by saying “no” to little things. For example, “No, I don’t want to go out tonight” or “No, I actually want to order pizza instead of chicken.”
- Some things to say when setting boundaries with family members include:
  - “I have my own opinions and beliefs, and I need you to respect them and not judge me.”
  - “You’re my parent, and it makes me uncomfortable when you bring your problems to me and expect me to solve them.”
- When you set boundaries with your partner, say things like:
  - “Our personal information needs to remain private.”
  - “Even though we’re in a relationship, I think it’s healthy for us to spend some time away from each other during the week to do our own thing.”
- Be prepared for the other person to push back at first. Don’t give up and keep pushing to establish your boundaries.
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Establish your own individual interests and thoughts. When you’re in an enmeshed relationship, you often begin to lose your sense of autonomy and independence. To combat this, spend some time alone and make an effort to discover what your unique passions, opinions, and dreams are. Find a new hobby, spend time with people outside of your relationship, or start journaling to work through your thoughts. Ask yourself these questions to discover your sense of self:^{[16]XResearch source}
- What do you like to do in your free time?
- What are your strengths?
- Do you have any religious or spiritual beliefs?
- What makes you feel genuinely happy?
- What are your goals for the future?
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Let go of guilt. Along with an enmeshed relationship comes a lot of feelings of guilt. Your parents might make you feel guilty for not living up to your expectations, or you may feel guilty when you don’t spend every moment with your partner. Whenever you find yourself having these guilty thoughts, stop yourself and take a moment to analyze why you’re feeling so guilty. For example, ask yourself:^{[17]XResearch source}
- Is there really a reason why I should be feeling guilty about this?
- What bad consequences am I expecting to come out of this situation?
- Does it really make me a bad person if I choose to focus on myself?
- Remind yourself that it’s okay to have needs and that you already do a lot for your family or partner.^{[18]XResearch source}
Loving yourself is the key to building up your self-confidence and slowly detaching yourself from the enmeshed relationship. Take time to pamper yourself and make sure your needs are met, use positive affirmations to give yourself praise, and pursue the hobbies that make you happy. When you feel confident in yourself, it becomes easier to set boundaries and be more direct with others.
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Talk to a therapist. If you’re having trouble setting boundaries on your own, or if you and your family or partner still can’t come to an understanding even after having multiple discussions, it might be worth it to talk to a therapist. Consider attending couples therapy or going to family therapy where a professional can help you work through any difficulties.^{[19]XResearch source}
- Use a site such as betterhelp.com to find a licensed therapist near you.
- It might also help to join a support group where you can talk to people who are in similar situations.
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Consider ending the relationship if things don't improve. If you still can’t make your family or partner see eye to eye and compromise with you, or if the situation has only continued to escalate, it might be time to walk away. While this is certainly a difficult decision to make, it’s important that you prioritize your well-being and health above all else.^{[20]XResearch source}
- Spend some time away from your family or partner if you don’t want to necessarily break off your relationship completely.
- Time alone will give you an opportunity to think through your thoughts and might allow the other person to come to terms with the negative effects of their behavior.

Quiz

How.com.vn Quiz: Am I Codependent?

Do you often have anxiety about your relationships or struggle with setting boundaries/establishing acceptable behaviors because you are afraid to lose your partner? You’re not alone. Codependency is a type of dysfunctional relationship in which the codependent person feels like they need their partner to function, often accompanied by feelings of low self-esteem and guilt. We've created this quiz to help you identify and work through possible codependent patterns.

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