Download ArticleLearn how to spot and put a stop to mental manipulation
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This article was co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA and by How.com.vn staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD. Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.
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This article has been viewed 91,471 times.
Mind games can leave you feeling confused, upset, and disoriented. This is never your fault—this is what people who play mind games want. They think they can trick you into doing what they want if they keep you off-balance and unsure of yourself. But you can take the power back for yourself. Read on to learn the best ways to deal with mind games and take back control of your life.
Things You Should Know
- Stand up for yourself by addressing the manipulative behavior directly to show that you know what the person is trying to do.
- Distance yourself from people playing mind games to care for and protect your own mental health.
- Pay attention to your own thoughts and feelings to spot when people are playing mind games so you can put a stop to it.
Steps
Tell the person openly and honestly how you're feeling. Make the first move and lead a conversation to let the person know how their actions and words have hurt you. If they seem genuinely confused or shocked and sorry, maybe it was just miscommunication rather than mind games. But if they try to twist your words or take over the conversation, they were likely playing mind games with you.[1]- For example, you might say, "I feel like you disregard my feelings when we talk." Someone playing mind games might respond by saying, "How am I supposed to know how you're feeling?"
- Get into the habit of expressing your feelings honestly. Healthy communication is probably the most important aspect of building and maintaining healthy relationships.[2]
Address the mind games directly. Let the person know in no uncertain terms that you're aware of what they're trying to do and you're not going to fall victim to it. If they're called out, they're less likely to continue trying to manipulate you.[3]- For example, if someone's trying to say something didn't happen the way you know it did, you might say, "I can see that you're trying to gaslight me and I don't appreciate it. I know what happened."
- People who play mind games think they can control you. When you outsmart them by letting them know you're onto them, they'll know they can't control you that way.
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Set a boundary around the manipulative behavior. Tell the person how you expect to be treated and what's acceptable to you. Then, create consequences by telling them what will happen if they continue to violate the boundary you've set. Be clear and direct when you establish the boundary and be ready to enforce it consistently by following through on those consequences if they try to come at you again.[4]- For example, you might say, "Please don't raise your voice when you talk to me. If you do it again, I'll walk away and end the conversation." Then, enforce that boundary by walking away if they raise their voice again.
- Many people who play mind games see boundaries as something to push past. They might think other people's boundaries don't apply to them. By enforcing your boundaries, you set yourself outside their control.
Ask probing questions to draw attention to their manipulation. The right questions put the focus on the manipulative part of what the person's trying to say. When you put the manipulation front and center, it forces them to answer for it directly. This can be a really powerful way to shift power and outsmart the person—you might even get them to admit what they're trying to do. Here are some examples of questions you might ask:[5]- Do I have a say in this?
- Are you asking me or telling me?
- Does that sound fair to you?
- Does that seem reasonable to you?
- Would you agree to that if you were in my shoes?
Ignore the person or disengage from the conversation. If someone says something to you that sounds manipulative, just ignore it rather than respond to it. Continue the conversation as though they never said it at all, or just remain silent and let it sink in. If they get aggressive or double down on their manipulation, you always have the option to simply walk away.[6]- For example, if the person tries to gaslight you by saying, "Oh, you're just being overemotional," simply stand there in silence with a blank expression on your face.
- When you refuse to respond, it can really highlight how wrong their statement is and can make them feel silly for trying to manipulate you that way.
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Keep your distance from the manipulative person. Sometimes, when you take a few steps back from someone playing mind games, you can see what they're doing more clearly. Watch how they act around other people—manipulative people often put on different masks for different audiences. Plus, if you keep them at a distance and avoid interacting with them unless you absolutely have to, it gives them less control over you.[7]- Distancing yourself from the person and the situation can also help you figure out why they're trying to manipulate you. This won't stop the behavior, but it can give you some insight and help you understand it.[8]
- Ending any relationship is uncomfortable but sometimes necessary. Once you've identified that a relationship is toxic, it's usually best to end it.[9]
Take steps to get away from a manipulator's influence and control. Mind games are really tricky to deal with, even after you’ve stood up for yourself. Separate yourself from the manipulator gradually by telling them no or creating clearer boundaries. As you slowly remove that person’s influence from your life, you'll feel happier and more in control.[10]- For example, if you live with a parent who constantly plays mind games, you might want to make plans to get your own place or move in with a friend or other relative.
- If the manipulative person is also abusive in other ways, create a plan that maintains your personal safety. Build a support system or talk to someone at a domestic abuse hotline.[11]
Lean on trusted friends and family for support. Manipulative people often try to isolate you by creating distance or distrust between you and your friends and family. Take those relationships back and you'll start to see that manipulative person for who they really are. Your friends and family can help you in many ways, not only by listening but also by doing small tasks for you to lighten your load while you make plans to get out of the manipulative relationship.[12]- This can also help if you're confused or doubt the information the person playing mind games has given you. Ask others if it's true or get them to validate your feelings about a situation.[13]
- People who play mind games do it to control you, which they can do better if they isolate you from others. Make sure you maintain a strong connection with the people you trust.
Talk to a therapist if you're in a manipulative relationship. Even once you've left a manipulative relationship, it's tough to get back to yourself after someone's been playing mind games with you. It's normal to have feelings of confusion, insecurity, and self-doubt. A therapist can help you find clarity and get to a better place mentally and emotionally.[14]- Therapists often have different coping techniques that you can try until you find what works best for your personal situation.
- Join a support group to talk to others who've been in a similar situation. It can make you feel less alone and help restore your self-confidence.
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You question your own thoughts and feelings. The whole point of many different types of mind games, such as gaslighting, is to get you to question your own understanding of reality. If you start questioning things you were previously sure about, that could be the result of psychological manipulation.[15]- For example, if your partner goes out by themselves all the time and you mention that you're concerned about that, they might try to gaslight you by saying, "You're imagining things. I never go anywhere without you."
You feel inferior or bad about yourself. People who play mind games use insults or unfavorable comparisons to others to make you feel bad about yourself. Their hope is that you'll feel bad enough about yourself that you'll be willing to do whatever they ask you to do in the hopes of returning to their favor.[16]- For example, your manipulative boss might say, "Your report was okay, but even your best still isn't as good as Alice's worst. If you want to get ahead in this company, you need to step it up."
- In a personal relationship, these types of mind games can be particularly hurtful. For example, a manipulative partner might say, "You shouldn't wear so much makeup, it only makes you look older than you already are."
You feel guilty for wanting to do something. People playing mind games often resort to guilt trips to make you feel bad for doing something you want to do. They believe that if you feel guilty for doing what you want to do, you'll do what they want you to do instead.[17]- For example, you already have plans for the evening but one of your friends is feeling lonely and wants you to hang out with them instead, so they tell you, "If you really cared about how I feel, you'd come over and hang out with me."
You're filled with doubt and insecurity. Not all acts of manipulation are aggressive. Sometimes, people playing mind games use more passive techniques, such as forgetting something important to you and then downplaying your response. The whole point is to sew seeds of self-doubt and make you feel insecure about yourself and the things that you value.[18]- For example, your partner might "forget" your doctor's appointment, and then say something such as, "Was it really that important to you?"
You're afraid of what might happen if you don't go along with the manipulator. People who play mind games often try to play on your fears to get you to do what they want you to do. They'll tell you that something bad is likely to happen if you don't do what they want.[19]- For example, a manipulative person might tell you that if you don't follow their advice, your best friend will turn their back on you.
You feel pressured to change your boundaries. Manipulative people tend to see boundaries as things for them to overcome. They don't care about respecting your limits—they want you to change your limits for them. Getting you to bend to their will in this way is how they exercise control over you.[20]- This can also take the form of the person using excessive praise to try to get you to do something you ordinarily wouldn't do. For example, a boss playing mind games might publicly praise your work on a project to get you to take on more work than you can handle.[21]
- A healthy relationship is one where both people have respect for each other and their boundaries. If you feel that someone regularly disregards your boundaries or makes you engage in activities or situations that you don't feel comfortable in, it may be time to end that relationship.[22]
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Expert Q&A
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- QuestionHow do I know if a relationship is toxic?
Jin S. Kim, MAJin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.
Licensed Marriage & Family TherapistIn a healthy relationship, both people have respect for each other and their boundaries. If you feel that someone regularly disregards your boundaries or makes you engage in activities or situations you don't feel comfortable in, it may be time to evaluate that relationship.
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Tips
- While mind games are hurtful, they usually come from someone who is insecure and probably was a victim of psychological manipulation in the past.[23]Thanks
- As tempting as it may be to play mind games in return, it's best to take the high road. Salvage or rekindle the relationship, if you can, with open and honest communication.Thanks
- Not all mind games happen face to face. People can also play mind games online, such as when someone ignores your texts or ghosts you.Thanks
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Warnings
- If you’re in a genuinely abusive situation, call a hotline or look for a local shelter where you can stay.[24]Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201406/how-to-spot-and-stop-manipulators
- ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prisons-and-pathos/202104/understanding-and-managing-psychological-manipulation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prisons-and-pathos/202104/understanding-and-managing-psychological-manipulation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201406/how-to-spot-and-stop-manipulators
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201406/how-to-spot-and-stop-manipulators
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201406/how-to-spot-and-stop-manipulators
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prisons-and-pathos/202104/understanding-and-managing-psychological-manipulation
- ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201507/how-escape-master-manipulator
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
- ↑ https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/domestic-violence-and-abusive-relationships
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2022/01/are-you-being-influenced-or-manipulated
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/machiavellians-gulling-the-rubes/202303/games-master-manipulators-play-gaslighting
- ↑ https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/ethics-manipulation/
- ↑ https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/ethics-manipulation/
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2022/01/are-you-being-influenced-or-manipulated
- ↑ https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/ethics-manipulation/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prisons-and-pathos/202104/understanding-and-managing-psychological-manipulation
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2022/01/are-you-being-influenced-or-manipulated
- ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201406/how-to-spot-and-stop-manipulators
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
About This Article
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
This article was co-authored by Jin S. Kim, MA and by How.com.vn staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD. Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015. This article has been viewed 91,471 times.
Co-authors: 6
Updated: August 21, 2023
Views: 91,471
Categories: Abuse
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 91,471 times.
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