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This article was co-authored by Christy Irvine, PhD. Dr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.
There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 247,951 times.
Most people associate “temper tantrums” with toddlers, who are often incapable of controlling or appropriately expressing their emotions. However, adults can have anger outbursts that have the same qualities as a toddler's tantrum. Fortunately, most adults are rational human beings who are capable of reasoning and controlling their anger. Communicating effectively and staying calm yourself can help you deal with an adult temper tantrum.
Steps
Remain calm. If you become angry or defensive yourself, you will likely exacerbate the tantrum that the other person is having. If you can keep yourself calm and rational, it's likely that you will be able to diffuse the temper of the other person.[1]
Realize that you can't control someone else. One of the most difficult parts of dealing with the emotions of another person—particularly someone who is a close friend or family member—is accepting that you cannot change the thoughts or actions of another person. You can offer help and support, but you cannot actually control another person.Advertisement
Ask what is upsetting the person. Adults who are prone to temper tantrums are unlikely to be effective communicators. You may have to ask the person what is causing them to be so upset. [2] Be calm and give him time to fully explain himself.- Remember to be patient and persistent. You could say, “I know you said that there is nothing wrong, but I can tell by the way you're acting that you are really upset. Please talk to me about why you are upset so that I can help you if I am able to. If you aren't ready to talk about it now, please remember that I am here when you are ready.”
Validate the person's emotions. It is important to express to the person having the tantrum that it is okay for them to feel the emotions that they are feeling. [3] Even if you do not agree with the way they are expressing their feelings (in a tantrum), you can tell them that what they are feeling is okay. Accepting feelings (such as anger) as a normal part of life can often help people deal with the emotions in a healthier way.[4]- For example, you might say, “It seems to me that you are feeling angry or hurt because of the situation. It's perfectly normal to feel that way; can we talk about how you feel and how we can make you feel better?”
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Apologize for any wrongdoing on your part. If you were a part of the reason that the other person is upset, apologize to them for what you did. [5] If you do not feel that you did something wrong per se, you can still apologize for making them feel the way that they feel.- For example, if you did something “wrong,” you might say, “I am very sorry that I accidentally downloaded a virus that destroyed your computer. I can understand why that would make you upset, and I will do whatever I can to help repair or replace the computer.”
- For example, if you did not do anything “wrong” but still upset someone, you could say, “I am sorry that I upset you by picking out the paint color for the living room myself. I did not know that it was so important to you. I will try to be more considerate of your feelings in the future.”
Use the words “we” and “us.” Using the words “I” and “you” can create a divide between you and the other person, although some people may prefer "I" and "you" as they don't like being treated as an extension of another person. [6] This divide may cause the tantrum-throwing party to become defensive or angrier. However, using “we” or “us” implies that you are a team and might reduce some of the other person's angry feelings.- For example, the following may cause someone to become more defensive: “You should not be so upset about your computer crashing. My computer crashed and I didn't get upset at all; I just went and got a new one. You should do the same thing.”
- A better example of “team” communication would be, “What can we do together to solve this problem? Can we take it to a repair shop, or is it time for us to invest in a newer, better computer? We can get through this together and make the best of the situation.”
Maintain a neutral or positive tone. It is important to avoid sounding condescending or frustrated while speaking with someone who is having a temper tantrum. If they think that you are talking down to them, they may become angrier or stop listening to you. It is also important to avoid sounding sarcastic. Keeping your voice at a consistent volume and tone will help you sound more neutral.
Stick to the facts when possible. Abandon emotionally charged language or anything that might be interpreted as an accusation and stick to the facts of the events that upset the person. [7] Emphasizing the facts may not cause the temper tantrum to subside, but it is less likely to make the situation any worse.- For example, saying, “I'm sorry that the computer crashed, but you click on links of cat videos, too. You can hardly say that it was entirely my fault,” may cause the person to become angrier.
- Instead, the following factual statements may be less inflammatory: “I clicked on the link and the computer crashed. We cannot change those facts. Now we have to decide what to do about the situation. We could either try to have a company repair the computer or we could purchase a new computer.”
Encourage rational thinking. It might be difficult to convince someone who is having a temper tantrum to use rational thought, but if you can get their rational, thinking mind to overcome their emotional response,[8] they'll likely snap out of the tantrum. This is an approach for which you need to be particularly careful about not sounding condescending or invalidating.- This may not work for everyone, but helping someone understand that being angry will not help solve the problem might kick start their reasoning mind. You might say, “I understand that you are angry right now, and you have a right to be. Let's talk through some possible solutions together and figure out how to make this better.”
- Make sure that you are validate their feelings, to avoid coming off as condescending or uncaring. You can acknowledge their feelings and encourage problem-solving.
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Give the person space and time. Someone who is really in a fit of rage may not be willing to have a reasonable conversation with you. Sometimes, the best option is to give the person some space until he calms down and is capable of sustaining a conversation with you.[9]- This can be difficult if it is someone you live with, but you can go outside, run an errand or two, or go to do a chore or activity in another room.
Prompt a change of environment. Many people respond well to a change of environment if they are feeling angry. .[10] Moving from an indoor space to an outdoor space can be particularly effective, as being outdoors can elevate one's mood. [11]- You can either be direct and say, “You're upset. Let's go for a walk and talk about what's bothering you,” or indirect, saying, “I need to go down the street to get something. Do you want to join me for some fresh air for a few minutes?”
Encourage deep breaths or meditation. A good way to deal with anger or other overwhelming emotions is to sit quietly and focus on taking very deep breaths. [12] Combining the deep breathing with some meditation exercises, such as visualizing a happy place or picturing negative emotions exiting the body, can make the breathing even more effective. [13]- If the person is willing, you can guide them through a meditation exercise. Instruct them to do the following (you can do it too!): [14]
- Sit comfortably with both feet on the floor and your hands resting comfortably in your lap. Close your eyes.
- Take a deep breath in, allowing your belly to expand with the fullness of your breath. Picture a white light entering every corner of your mind and body as you breathe in.
- Breathe out slowly and deliberately, allowing yourself to fully exhale. As you exhale, picture negativity leaving your body as dark, muddy colors, leaving only the light behind.
- Repeat for 10-20 breaths or until the person feels relaxed and comfortable.
- If the person is willing, you can guide them through a meditation exercise. Instruct them to do the following (you can do it too!): [14]
Suggest a solution to the problem. If the person who is having a temper tantrum is too overcome with emotions to think rationally or is unwilling to brainstorm a reasonable solution with you, try suggesting a few solutions to the problem. [15] Your cooler head is likely to prevail, and you might get through to them.- Don't be surprised if the person initially rejects your solutions. They may need some time to calm down and process what you suggested. They could very well return to you later and say that they took one of your suggestions to solve the problem.
Ask the person what they need in order to feel calmer. If you are really at a loss as to how to handle or help the person having a temper tantrum, you could try asking them what you can do to help. They may tell you that they just need some time, or a hug, or a walk outside. People who are prone to anger problems may be aware of what helps them cool down when they are angry.
Revisit sensitive topics at a later time. [16] If you were having a conversation that caused the person to go into a temper tantrum, you should probably drop the topic for now if it is not completely time-sensitive. Give the person time to get over their initial anger and return to it later once they seem calm and rational.
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Expert Q&A
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- QuestionWhy do adults have meltdowns?
Christy Irvine, PhDDr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.
Licensed Clinical PsychologistSometimes, you just end up with a lot on your plate and the emotions boil over. It happens. Nobody is perfect! - QuestionWhy won't they calm down when I try to reason with them?Christy Irvine, PhDDr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.
Licensed Clinical PsychologistIf you're having a temper tantrum, you're not exactly going to be in the best state of mind. It's going to be exceptionally hard for them to even process what you're trying to get them to understand if they're having a meltdown. - QuestionWhat can I do if they don't respond to me talking them down?Christy Irvine, PhDDr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.
Licensed Clinical PsychologistSometimes, just giving people the space to express themselves and let it out is all you can do. If they're really not responding to anything, just try to give them some room and wait it out. They can't keep melting down forever.
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Warnings
- Do not respond in an aggressive or reactionary way. This will likely inflame the situation.Thanks
- If you feel that someone's anger towards you may become violent, remove yourself to a safe place or ask for help from someone who can protect you.Thanks
- If you can, in a crisis, try to call a health care professional or suicide hotline before involving the police. There have been incidences where police intervention in cases of people in mental crisis have resulted in traumatization or death. When possible, involve someone you're sure has the expertise and training to deal specifically with mental health or psychiatric crises.[17][18]Thanks
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References
- ↑ Christy Irvine, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
- ↑ https://extension.colostate.edu/topic-areas/family-home-consumer/dealing-with-others-anger-10-237/
- ↑ https://extension.colostate.edu/topic-areas/family-home-consumer/dealing-with-others-anger-10-237/
- ↑ Christy Irvine, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
- ↑ https://extension.colostate.edu/topic-areas/family-home-consumer/dealing-with-others-anger-10-237/
- ↑ https://extension.colostate.edu/topic-areas/family-home-consumer/dealing-with-others-anger-10-237/
- ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/assertive-communication-and-anger-management/
- ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/physiology-of-anger/
- ↑ Christy Irvine, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx
- ↑ http://www.uofmhealth.org/news/archive/201409/walking-depression-and-beating-stress-outdoors-nature-group
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx
- ↑ http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2012/11/meditations-positive-residual-effects/
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx
- ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx
- ↑ https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/putting-it-together-use-of-anger-management-techniques/
- ↑ The Washington Post: Distraught People, Deadly Results - Officers often lack the training to approach the mentally unstable, experts say (USA)
- ↑ Police Brutality's Hidden Victims: The Disabled
About This Article
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Christy Irvine, PhD. Dr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut. This article has been viewed 247,951 times.
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Co-authors: 35
Updated: May 8, 2024
Views: 247,951
Categories: Anger Management
Article SummaryX
It can be frustrating when an adult is having a temper tantrum, but you can deal with it by taking some deep breaths and encouraging them to communicate. When someone has a temper tantrum, it’s likely because they’re upset and just want their feelings to be validated. You can help them by saying something like, “I can see you’re angry and hurt, but can we talk about it to see how to make things better?” When talking about the problem, try to maintain a neutral or positive tone, since sounding frustrated might make their outburst worse. If the person isn’t ready to have a productive conversation, give them some time to calm down. Then, reconvene at a later time. Keep in mind that it isn't your responsibility to control someone's emotions. The best thing you can do is try to help. To learn how to encourage someone to think rationally when they’re angry, read on!
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"Sometimes we need to tell people to knock it off. When we reward bad behavior it continues. I work with people who regularly throw tantrums because they can, and it negatively impacts everyone. Talking to them does not help. They need consequences for their actions. We spend so much time trying to fix immaturity when we need to cease putting up with it, period."..." more
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